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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL & family ignores me

44 replies

Firsttimemummy23 · 04/06/2023 07:37

Hey, not really sure where to start. So me and my husband have been married close to four years and been together five years.

From the start his mum had made little comments about me saying she couldn't understand me - she is from England I am from Wales. Things did get better and we started to get on, she offered to pay for some of our wedding which was really kind as I don't have any real type of family (mum and dad left when I was younger)

We got married and I tried so hard!! Like I felt like I was breaking my back, we wanted a baby and unfortunately I had quite few miscarriages. This is where it got worst, I would mention oh my doctor is doing this test and she would just presume it's my fault even after I told her all test came back great with no issues (I was later diagnosed with early pregnancy loss)

Anyway I finally got pregnant and I was over the moon, all my HCG came back and was double but noone would celebrate it or even acknowledge the baby which started to hurt me.

I wasn't able to have the baby naturally due a health condition so had a planned c section which unfortunately caused some issues (there's another post on this)

She then said "Well I guess some women bounce quicker than others" it was a slap in the face when she said this. She does look after my LG 2 days a week when we are in work. I do buy her flowers chocolates etc as a thank you and I make my LG food (although she doesn't give it to her unless my husband make it) - nothing wrong with my food lol, baby eats it all the time! Also, she refuse to take pics of me and the baby together- however she has a pics of my baby with everyone else.

Well the whole family ignores me now and I am not really into getting into arguement with them as I'm quite unwell and feeling so self conscious right now because of the way I am being treated I don't want to go down anymore. Yesterday they all completely ignored me and I really cried but stopped myself.

Can I have some advice on how to handle it, I didn't imagine my life to be like this where I literally have noone apart for my husband and baby.

I haven't been rude or nasty to any of them, I have always been polite. Since being ill I have become alot quieter but it's because I'm in pain all the time.

Sorry this was long! Thank you xx

OP posts:

Pottedpalm · 04/06/2023 07:40

Are you the same nationality as his family?

Original poster

Firsttimemummy23 · 04/06/2023 07:41

Pottedpalm · 04/06/2023 07:40

Are you the same nationality as his family?

Yes xx

OP posts:

Itemremovedfromthebaggingarea · 04/06/2023 07:41

This is awful behaviour from them op - where is your husband in all this? What’s does he say. I presume he’s noticed or you’ve spoken to him about it?

Totalwasteofpaper · 04/06/2023 07:43

Honestly stop giving it head space and stop being nice and trying.

Let her make the food if she wont use yours. And drop the flowers and chocolate.
my relationship with my mil improved dramatically when i stopped bothering

Original poster

Firsttimemummy23 · 04/06/2023 07:43

Itemremovedfromthebaggingarea · 04/06/2023 07:41

This is awful behaviour from them op - where is your husband in all this? What’s does he say. I presume he’s noticed or you’ve spoken to him about it?

He say he doesn't want to rock the boat but he has noticed it x

OP posts:

Original poster

Firsttimemummy23 · 04/06/2023 07:44

Totalwasteofpaper · 04/06/2023 07:43

Honestly stop giving it head space and stop being nice and trying.

Let her make the food if she wont use yours. And drop the flowers and chocolate.
my relationship with my mil improved dramatically when i stopped bothering

My biggest fear is that she won't feed my daughter lol. I'm sure she would but it's just part of my anxiety x

OP posts:

TheKobayashiMaru · 04/06/2023 07:46

Firsttimemummy23 · 04/06/2023 07:43

He say he doesn't want to rock the boat but he has noticed it x

Show quote history

That's your problem right there, a wet lettuce for a DH. He cannot make his family like you, but he should insist that you are treated well.

SugarCraving · 04/06/2023 07:47

Offering you a hand hold.

Unfortunately I too have MIlL issues. I think I married into the Adam's family. They do resemble characters from the show.

I try to avoid interacting with them. Try and laugh at their stupidity. Please don't let them get to you.

I also have issues with his brother and sister. In fact they have never forgiven me for marrying their brother.

I hope your OH is on your side.

Original poster

Firsttimemummy23 · 04/06/2023 07:49

I completely accepted that they don't like me and I won't ever be the favourite lol, I'm fine with that however a simple hi would be nice especially in front of my child .. I feel like I turn into a ghost when I see them.

OP posts:

MRex · 04/06/2023 07:49

Sorry to hear you are unwell and that you have some strained relationships. Definitely don't approach it with the attitude that you want to have an argument with them all, that won't fix anything. It may be that they are unsure what to say to you; especially because there seem to have been so many issues along the way, and some people don't enjoy discussing health problems. Try just asking them about themselves and then talking about the baby for a bit, rather than talking about your health issues, it might reset.

If MIL doesn't use food you make then fine, saves the effort of making it. It's really helpful that she's looking after the baby and hopefully you'll come to appreciate that in time, but make sure you keep saying thank you even if you don't feel it's warranted for now. I really wouldn't over-think about taking photos of you though, that's for your DH to do so speak to him about it. You really need to make some friends rather than only relying on in-laws; get out to baby groups on days off and you might be surprised how quickly you make a friend.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 04/06/2023 07:50

I would try to get support for your health issues and then concerned on building friendships away from his family.

weirdas · 04/06/2023 07:51

Your dh needs to defend/back you. You have two choices- call her out or go minimal contact. Does she have to have lo ? I'd avoid using her for childcare if you can. With regard to food, stop making it surely she can prepare food. I'd also stop flowers etc let your husband do it.

Keepitrealnomists · 04/06/2023 07:52

I am clearly a cow as I wouldn't let anyone look after my child that treated me so badly. I would also make it clear to DH that you will no longer be seeing the in laws until he talks to them and they improve their behaviour. He can take DC to see them but only him and no other childcare required, put DC with proper paid childcare.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 04/06/2023 07:52

Firsttimemummy23 · 04/06/2023 07:44

My biggest fear is that she won't feed my daughter lol. I'm sure she would but it's just part of my anxiety x

Show quote history

But she's not giving her your food any way so she must be feeding her something on the days you make it?

Your husband is spineless. I'd be furious if I were you and he refused to step in and say something. You're his wife ffs, how dare he let them all ignore you like that

ilovelamp82 · 04/06/2023 07:53

Don't go somewhere where you are treated poorly. Don't let your daughter see that you accept being treated poorly. Make other childcare arrangements. And your husband sounds like a coward. I couldn't sleep in bed with my husband at night if he knowingly and willingly let me be treated so poorly.

Original poster

Firsttimemummy23 · 04/06/2023 07:53

I have been so fortunate and met some great friends and I have loyal ones who is there for me.

With my health - I'm just waiting for surgery and I need to wait for the results so hoping I'm in all the clear. That is building a lot of pressure in my head.

I'm just not sure if I should stop going over but I don't want my daughter to be apart from me either.

I'm grateful she looks after her xx

OP posts:

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 04/06/2023 07:54

It's really helpful that she's looking after the baby and hopefully you'll come to appreciate that in time, but make sure you keep saying thank you even if you don't feel it's warranted for now

Make sure you keep saying thank you??? Just to be ignored? Fuck that

Original poster

Firsttimemummy23 · 04/06/2023 07:55

Right now all the nurseries by me are full, we live in a small community and she's safer with a family member.

I have stopped with the food making now so my husband makes it.

He knows how I feel about it, tbh I felt like a right cow telling him..

OP posts:

Muggyoutthere · 04/06/2023 07:57

They sound abusive tbh

I think your DH is minimising this as he doesn’t want to admit his own family are cruel but by doing so he is allowing you to be abused and bullied by them.

Can you talk to him and say it’s not ok how they behave and you won’t be going there anymore and nor will your child? When your baby gets older there is a risk of them really making this an issue by excluding you to your child and this will make you even more miserable and isolated.

Can you afford alternative childcare? I would be insisting on that. No way MIL would have my child when she can’t even say a simple hello to me.

OP you aren’t at fault. You sound really vulnerable and your husband is being complicit in the abuse you are suffering which is the first issue to tackle.

If he won’t stand up to them to protect you then I would seriously be considering leaving. I genuinely think this is a massive red flag.

You can speak to womens aid for advice also as this is familial emotional abuse.

ilovelamp82 · 04/06/2023 07:58

Well obviously you are not a cow for telling him... but if you aren't willing to make these changes then I guess you'll just have to accept things the way they are it seems.

Itemremovedfromthebaggingarea · 04/06/2023 08:06

Firsttimemummy23 · 04/06/2023 07:43

He say he doesn't want to rock the boat but he has noticed it x

Show quote history

I would star by telling him ‘you know this behaviour from your mother isn’t right, don't you dh’. If he’s not behaving as if he’s for you then he’s against you and this needs to be made very clear to him. You’re the mother of his child. You should be his priority.

He needs to start rocking that boat with his mother and stick up for you!

Weallgottachangesometime · 04/06/2023 08:07

Personally I think you have 2 potential routes…

Stop seeing them or engaging with them. If anyone asks why say “well they ignore me when I visit so I stopped going”. Go hardcore into looking for alternative care for your daughter so you don’t have to rely on them for childcare. Let your husband manage the contact with his family, but be clear with him you’ll have no contact with them while they are being unkind to you.

2)make a massive deal and call out of each time they say/do something rude. They try to ignore you then say “Hello, hello HELLO…How odd no one can hear me. Maybe I near to talk louder HELLLLLOOOOOOOO”. Call out every rude comment and make rude comments back.
“no maybe I wasn’t made to bounce back. You were made for childbearing with those hips though weren’t you”.

personally I’d got for option 1 because option 2 really requires you to be able to stand up for yourself and be willing to escalate to a blow out.

The first thing you need to do though is have a proper talk with you husband. Why is he allowing them to treat you like that? Is he under their thumb?? Does he not care that your child is literally watching you be ignored and spoken to like crap. Have a firm word with him. He needs to step up to tell his family to stop.

Flowers90 · 04/06/2023 08:14

We've been there with my husband and family. It took my husband a long time to see. In regards to the other family members, his sister who refuses to even acknowledge I'm in the room when we all see her together.

We have cut down the amount my mother in law provides childcare, and as such my husband does the pick up and drop off from her. She goes to a lovely childminder and its saved in so many problems. Mother in law was telling us different things about how our daughter had been and due to health problems we need a clear picture. We visit her at weekends but my husband speaks out if she's being unfair towards me or ignoring what I say about little one which he never would have before.
It's massively improved things for us.

nahwhale · 04/06/2023 08:14

Firsttimemummy23 · 04/06/2023 07:43

He say he doesn't want to rock the boat but he has noticed it x

Show quote history

He needs to rock the boat. It needs to be addressed. He can't just allow his family to treat you with so much contempt and stand by. Has he no principles?

MintJulia · 04/06/2023 08:17

Totalwasteofpaper · 04/06/2023 07:43

Honestly stop giving it head space and stop being nice and trying.

Let her make the food if she wont use yours. And drop the flowers and chocolate.
my relationship with my mil improved dramatically when i stopped bothering

This. Stop trying so hard.

I can understand if there had been multiple miscarriages, them being careful about celebrating too soon. But the rest...some families just aren't very demonstrative. Maybe your MIL wants to make food for your little one when she is there. Or maybe she has an issue with you, but if so, it is HER issue.

I'd go for breezy politeness. Breeze in, say thanks for looking after dd, collect and leave, Don't spend more time there than you need to. Make your friends elsewhere.

Play groups, soft play, the best cafe in town, regular picnics in the park now it's summer. You'll soon find another mum to chat to and take photos. Put your MIL out of your head and enjoy your little one.

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