MIL & family ignores me

[Firsttimemummy23]

Hey, not really sure where to start. So me and my husband have been married close to four years and been together five years.

From the start his mum had made little comments about me saying she couldn't understand me - she is from England I am from Wales. Things did get better and we started to get on, she offered to pay for some of our wedding which was really kind as I don't have any real type of family (mum and dad left when I was younger)

We got married and I tried so hard!! Like I felt like I was breaking my back, we wanted a baby and unfortunately I had quite few miscarriages. This is where it got worst, I would mention oh my doctor is doing this test and she would just presume it's my fault even after I told her all test came back great with no issues (I was later diagnosed with early pregnancy loss)

Anyway I finally got pregnant and I was over the moon, all my HCG came back and was double but noone would celebrate it or even acknowledge the baby which started to hurt me.

I wasn't able to have the baby naturally due a health condition so had a planned c section which unfortunately caused some issues (there's another post on this)

She then said "Well I guess some women bounce quicker than others" it was a slap in the face when she said this. She does look after my LG 2 days a week when we are in work. I do buy her flowers chocolates etc as a thank you and I make my LG food (although she doesn't give it to her unless my husband make it) - nothing wrong with my food lol, baby eats it all the time! Also, she refuse to take pics of me and the baby together- however she has a pics of my baby with everyone else.

Well the whole family ignores me now and I am not really into getting into arguement with them as I'm quite unwell and feeling so self conscious right now because of the way I am being treated I don't want to go down anymore. Yesterday they all completely ignored me and I really cried but stopped myself.

Can I have some advice on how to handle it, I didn't imagine my life to be like this where I literally have noone apart for my husband and baby.

I haven't been rude or nasty to any of them, I have always been polite. Since being ill I have become alot quieter but it's because I'm in pain all the time.

Sorry this was long! Thank you xx

I have similar issues with my in laws. The difference is I don't have a disloyal wet lettuce for a husband.

The entire issue here is your husband. He doesn't want to "rock the boat"? In other words, "yeah I know they treat you like shit and disrespect you in front of our child and it makes you feel desperately unhappy, but it doesn't affect me so I'm not going to do anything about it". That's not a supportive, loving spouse. That's a weak mammies boy.

This is your problem.

He is your husband, you are a team, he should be supportive and stand up for you. By not rocking the boat he us allowing their behaviour and giving the impression he approves of it.

I think you need to have a frank conversation with him about how their behaviour and his tacit approval of it is making you feel and damaging your marriage.

Well I certainly wouldn’t be allowing her to have my child unsupervised if she can’t respect me.

If you were to have met my in-laws 18 years ago you would see pictures of their darling son and his four beautiful grandchildren which he was pluckily bringing up alone. They took hundreds of pictures - none of which included me. They never really spoke to me or acknowledged things I’d done for them. At Christmas I got something clearly regifted ( some aftershave once! ) and they never bothered with my birthday. I tried for years to make them happy - to no avail. Then decided fu** it and backed right off. The perfect son and perfect grandchildren would go and visit them and I would use the opportunity to have a break. The novelty of having four maniac children around without me soon wore thin as even though they considered me a waste of space they had to admit I was good with my kids (ffs). If they came round I was polite but would find something to do elsewhere. On one memorable occasion they were in the living room with the perfect son hearing about his perfection I went into the kitchen to ‘get something’ only for all four kids to follow me and not want to go back. The more I backed off the nicer they became and now I’m also perfect.
Don't chase their approval. Know your own worth - and if they don’t value you then fu** em!

I don't understand why you are putting up with your husband not defending you. He should have the back of his wife and mother of his child. Why are you putting up with his lack of care for you? To me, this would be marriage-ending and he needs to figure out who he wants to 'rock the boat with' the least. And that should be you, the woman he has to live with and sleep with, he needs to get his priorities right and defend his wife and mother of his child. He can't think much of you if he won't. I would tell him you are no longer going over there, and will possibly stop her seeing your baby and your marriage is at stake if he doesn't step up to the plate like a man and defend you. I would honestly tell him he speaks to his family about their behaviour or your marriage is at stake. He needs to choose who he least wants to anger. And he better fuqqing choose wisely! Don't stand for this disrespect from your husband a day longer.

What happens when your daughter is older and she notices their treatment of you? What happens if they bad mouth you to her? Will your DH finally step up then or let that behaviour continue as doesn’t want to rock the boat?

So sorry you have been treated like this, particularly when you’re healing from everything you have been through.

Their behaviour is unacceptable and emotionally abusive.

To attempt to blame you for the health and pregnancy issues (if I read that right) and to totally ignore you is disgusting.

A decent and emotionally healthy person would not act like this.

I don’t think anyone who treats you like this has a right to be in your life. It must be really difficult though, as you are in pain and feeling vulnerable and relying on your MIL for childcare at the moment.

I personally would look for other childcare as soon as possible and avoid going round there. If you can, spend more time with friends and people that build you up.

Strongly agree that your husband should be standing up for you and not letting you be subjected to this. It sounds like there are deep-rooted issues within the family.

Remember, none of this is your fault. You deserve to be treated with respect and compassion.

Stop bothering. Put your foot down, if they cannot be civil they cannot look after your daughter - it is not in the best interest of the child to have their mother treated this way.
and out your foot down with your husband - if he cannot insist that his wife is treated civil than he is rocking the boat at home. Say you want to move away to get away from this

This is more of a DH problem than a MIL problem. He should be standing up for you and saying it’s not on etc. If there is no improvement, once you have alternative childcare he should be minimising contact with them unless they accept you and any contact is only for the sake of your child otherwise.

She sounds awful. But your DH ignoring it is also a problem.

I would personally not have someone who treats me this way look after my LO. I can understand it's difficult to find a childcare if you are living in a small community, but this would be a priority for me.

I would also stop trying so hard with his family, they sound rude.

Your DH should say something, I would not let my family treat my DH this way.

What do you mean, you live in a small community so your child is “safer” with a family member? There must be Ofsted-registered childminders, and you can get her on the waiting list for nursery?

In my opinion you need to stop using her for childcare. That gives her power over you and means you have to stay in this toxic relationship. Find paid childcare and stop using MIL. The refusal to feed your child the food you have prepared is frankly bizarre. What about other instructions, eg suncream and limiting sweets etc? Does she respect you there?

Your husband needs to have your back. He's not great if he's allowing his family to treat you poorly.

I would look at alternatives to your frankly horrible in-laws looking after your baby. I wouldn’t say it’s petty or anything, but I wouldn’t want people who treat me with such disdain to take care of my child and possibly have that rub off on them.

The next issue is your husband. It’s not ok to let a relative treat your partner like this and do nothing about it. His lack of action makes him complicit imo.

Find your own people. Not instead of your husband but as well as.

I hope your health and situation improves. Honestly, real empathy for you.

She wouldn't be looking after my DD.

Stop trying so hard with them, and step away, it’s doing you no good. There’s no excuse for your husband not calling them out

Stop using them for childcare. I don't know why on earth you would when they behave so disrespectfully towards you. As for your dh he needs to shape up and should be challenging their behaviour. I would have a conversation with his mother in his presence and say you've noticed that she is rude and ignores you and as a result you won't be using her for childcare anymore. I'd go low to no contact. If he wants to see his side that's up to him. I'd take the time to make friends and widen your circle that way.

And if all the nurseries in the area are full and you both have to work, what do you do then?

All very well to hoick your bosom and be sniffy about OP having her mother in law looking after their child but she doesn't exactly have options, does she?

When I read this I feel so sad and even angry for you.

Excellent replies here by other posters so I won’t repeat. But, just remember we can only be disrespected if we allow it. You do not need your husbands permission here.

Go out and make new friends outside the family. Literally just live your happy life. No confrontation, no drama. Please don’t let this get you down, I’m sure you are not the problem here.

Why do these people believe they have the right to act like this? They sound so arrogant I wouldn’t want to spend any time with them. It’s unfair to the kid imo what they are doing. They’ve shown you who they are and frankly it stinks. Hmmm.. I’d remove that free granny daycare if you can and make her come to you instead if she wishes to spend time with your daughter when it is convenient for you. That should help shift the dynamic that seems to have developed here.

Wow this was a long time ago however not much has really changed after being forced from my job I am now a stay at home mum and his family doesn't see her unless I let her down as I do keep that line of communication open.

In a twist of faith she wants us all to move closer to her and I'm very unsure about this so looking everywhere currently. I don't think she realise I come with the rest of "her" family although I'm 100% they think I'm my daughter donor...

My husband still haven't said much which has caused tension. Thank you all for the support x