To ask you how I can change my life…

[fedupmumof2]

I’m the lowest I’ve ever been. I’ve tried therapy (lots of different types including CBT). I’ve tried medication too but honestly I feel I need someone to give me practical advice which I need to hear no matter how brutal.

i feel I have no friends, no life outside of my kids, I live a life of constant worry and fear. I had a bad childhood full of abuse and emotional upheaval. My heart just always feels so heavy and I feel exhausted thinking about it all. I attract users into my life so I’ve for the time being just not bothering with anyone which makes me feel even more lonely. I’m desperate for human connection as I feel lonely but having people in my life just makes me more lonely as I feel broken. I do t know where to go for help. I know my diet is bad and I know I’m slightly over weight which could be making me feel worse. How can I change my life?

I know this may sound really really glib but honestly it has changed my life - outdoor exercise. Local walking group, park run, walking a dog, couch to 5k, walk x amount of laps around your local park, etc.
Hope things improve for you soon x

Here are a few ideas:

The Six Pack Revolution because you can do it at home and it’s 75 days to really focus every day on yourself. The water, the exercise are going to lift your mood and cofidence.

You could get a small dog because dogs seem to make people happy and they always meet other dog walkers.

Think back to when you were a child and what was it you loved to do…, read, play netball.

Whatever it was before you had to do stuff - find a way to add that in to your life as a high priority.

You might not be able to choose what you do with your time, all the time. But you can choose what you do with your time, some of the time and that’s what you need to focus on tweaking in your favour.

@Cherryana @ChiefPearlClutcher

Thank you both. Running sounds like a good idea. If I’m completely honest by the timevweekend comes around I’m so bloated with the drinking and eating that excercise is the last thing I feel like doing. I drink lots in the weekend sat at home on my own.

It sounds obvious but make sure you are eating, sleeping and exercising consistently. Don’t attempt to do anything else until you have those three things under control.

You mention you are drinking lots which I presume to be alcohol. No judgement meant but if you are in a low place alcohol is a great depressant and can make you feel much worse.
Making changes can be hard but only you can change your life. Do you work or are you at home. You don’t say how old your children are so suggestions would depend how able you are to get out and about.

I find that drinking makes me feel so awful mentally: depressed, short tempered, anxious. If I were you I’d try and stop for a decent period, say a month, to try and break the cycle, as alcohol is almost certainly contributing to the way you feel.

Good advice from others re exercise. Anything you can add to your daily routine will help. When I’m feeling low I set myself projects to do in the evening - like right now I’m sorting all my photos from 2023 to make a photo book.

OP I don’t know where you are, but do you have a peer coach service? It’s a service in MH trusts where staff who have had their own of MH issues support someone to achieve their goals. Ten to twenty sessions. To help people stuck in a rut to start engaging with life properly again. Have a look. This stuff can be hard to do on your own.

My kids are 7 and 3. I work part time. The people I work with (mainly men in my department) are lovely but not really anyone I can or would want to socialise with after work. Work is very busy so probably only say hi when I come in and bye when I leave. I feel so lonely.
m I tried to reach out to someone over the weekend and it was nice but it’s obvious I’m depressed that it was awkward! It felt very draining on this new “friend” and I don’t think I’ll be hearing from her again.

That sounds tough, look into SPR - https://thesixpackrevolution.com/?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIq5eZvOmo_wIVEO3tCh1iBwYjEAAYASAAEgK5uPD_BwE

because that will give you lots of endorphin things that will replace the drinking feels. Sounds like this is getting in the way of you getting what you really want which is connection, health, energy-and a sense of control of your own life.

Maybe try the exercise first rather than waiting to not drink so much and not starting? You could start today with a walk?

I would start by knocking the alcohol on the head - or limit it to say one bottle of wine a week, spread over 2 or 3 evenings. I promise you'll feel so much better for it. Drink sufficient water, try to get to sleep at a decent time and get a short walk each day.

Once those habits are ingrained, next steps might be cutting out snacks, starting the couch to 5k programme, joining an exercise class.

You say you have no friends - no one at all? Is there a casual acquaintance or a friend you haven't seen in a long time that you could ask out for a walk or a coffee? How old are your children? If they have a friend whose mum seems nice maybe you could invite them round for a playdate or to meet in the park? Otherwise see if you can find something locally that interests you, maybe a walking group, a choir, a book club, a litter pick or tree planting session... could be anything. Local Facebook groups are usually a good place to find out what's going on.

I second this. studies have shown exercise is the only thing that consistently helps with depression.

don't want to state the obvious, how about something like bumble to make new friends?

I'm really sorry you are going through this...

Hey OP. I love the Mel Robbins podcast and I think she has a Lot of advice you would find useful. Good luck.

I am a runner
but I think daft to suggest you plunge straight in to running.

ok so
start gently. Up, showered and dressed early every morning. Note the “early”. Get moving immediately, unload the dishwasher, put a wash on etc
Then get outside. If children still asleep, get in the garden with your coffee.

walk every single day. Without fail. For at least thirty mins.

after a fortnight, intercept that walk with the odd minute jogging and build up from there.

do you work?

Do you literally not have one single friend?

what about any family?

Give up alcohol as this is a depressant and will naturally make your mood low. Start with a small achievable goal and build up to increase motivation. For e.g. a walk for 20/30 mins everyday

Sorry you feel like shit.

When my mum died six months ago, I decided I could either continue drinking (I wasn’t a problem drinker, but got into the habit of drinking at least a glass of wine a night to cope) OR I could make myself face it all constantly sober. Honestly it was the best thing I did: it has cleared my head so well and left me able to cope with the heartache and I could say in all honesty that my mental health, which was ok to start with, has improved immeasurably.

So. Cut out the booze.

seek counselling for the trauma stuff, it sounds like you could do with that.

as far as people being users, I’ve no idea, I think though you need to get boundaries in place and that only comes from valuing yourself.

I would also agree on the exercise front: I read that physically moving was a great way to process grief and it did make a huge difference to me, I’m sure it would benefit you too.

1. Stop drinking. Alcohol is a depressant.
2. join some local groups. WI, Ladies Circle, running class, Zumba, a back 2 netball group. Try them all out, see who you meet, what you enjoy
3. fill your quiet time with hobbies you enjoy solo. Sewing, reading, watching boxsets, doing Pilates, face masks, painting your nails, practising make up or hair styles, designing your home.
4. arrange meet ups with school mums - meals out, play dates at the park, nibbles at yours, a mix of with and without kids.
5. find online social groups where you can connect with people

Oh the users - you need therapy. It will help you put boundaries in place and spot it a mile off and cut it quickly. It’s the single most important thing I’ve done that’s changed my life.

Have a look at these videos, they will help you understand how your childhood has affected you. The good news is that you CAN change the way you think and therefore act but it needs to be at a deeper level that CBT.

s

s

I wouldn’t try to do too much at once. Making massive changes and doing lots of things all at once are likely to be hard to sustain and overwhelming.

focus on a couple of small things you can do to make yourself feel better and break them down into smaller tasks.

Personally I agree with everyone else about drinking. If you can stop that I would make that one of your targets, if you struggle maybe seek support stopping.

maybe one more thing could be trying out a new club next week (a walking group or exercise class). Try a few and find one where the vibe of the group of people is good. I think meeting people through activities is a useful way to make friends. No pressure because you’re just all doing the same activity and the activity is a natural topic of conversation.

if your childhood was difficult it does seem likely to need some support/therapy around that. You also say you got into difficult relationships with others who are users, did you mean domestic abuse? If so I wonder if accessing specific DA support might be useful. I know many do support around recognising the signs of an abusive relationship. That might help for keeping yourself safe in future relationships and knowing who to avoid?

For years I saw myself as someone who was depressed and a victim of my childhood and I really identified with that story, which is allowed, because it was true that I went through horrible childhood abuse.

But something changed in my mid 30s where I realised, the past doesn't exist anymore. It onlt exists inside my mind, it isn't actually happening anymore. I am the only one perpetuating it. Once I realised this I tried to 'fake it until I made it'. Whenever those horrible thoughts and memories came in, I started allowing myself to feel upset for around 10 mins and would have a little cry if necessary, then I would say 'we are not getting stuck here!' And would use all my strength to force myself into doing something positive for my current life. I used to ask myself what X would do? And choose someone I thought was really strong and copy their behaviour.

I know all that is very hard work, not foolproof and easier said than done. It also will never take away from the fact I missed out on love and connection as a tiny human. But I simply refuse to let the people who stole my childhood also steal my future. There comes a time where we just get fed up and need to take ourself out of victimhood (even though we were a victim and are allowed to remain there if we want).

I know you have tried meds and different types of therapy in the past. It might be worth trying again. There are 3 types of anti depressant with multiple differenr subsets, have you tried them all? Some work with our make up better than others. Re the therapy, the relationship you have with the therapist is the biggest predictor of success, can you try again with a different therapist? We have to be pretty motivated for therapy to work and it isn't always the right time, quite simply, the depression itself can get in the way. Just because it didn't work before doesn't mean it will never work. I wonder if your mind is doing the 'yeah but....' or 'no point' thing right now? If so, recognise that is the habitual depressed part of your mind speaking, it is not based in truth. There is always hope for improvement. And people do get better after decades of being depressed!

Also second other people saying exercise is key thing you can do and getting rid of alcohol. Alcohol is a depressant, you are drinking something that will lead to you feeling low after the initial nice feeling.

Other things you need in your day to combat depression are:

• light (make sure you have natural light early in the morning)
• vitamins (try and eat fruit and veg, but filling that, a multivitamin, especially vit D and vit B12 which help with 'happy hormones)
• nature (humans are meant to be outdoors around green, our brains do not like cities and screens)

-achievement (we get a buzz from finishing something, even as silly as doing the washing up or doing a puzzle. We may hate it the whole time, but once it is done we can go 'well it was a crap day, but at least I did the stupid washing up') -connection (easiest way is to do this with your kids. Are you hugging a lot, reading bed time stories?)

I hope you feel better in the future. It is a hard road, but it is possible

Thank you so much everyone. It’s so lovely to have so much advice. Yes I will give up the alcohol today and start moving more.

someone asked me about DV, no my husband is not violent, just very cold and unloving.

in terms of childhood: warning, might be triggering for some * I was unwanted from the get go. Parents wanted a boy but I was the youngest of 3 girls. They always told me they didn’t want me and my sisters used to join in with telling me I was unwanted. I was sexually abused by a male relative when I was 6/7 up until the age of 10 I think. I tried to tell my mum when I was a teenager but she called me a liar and said I’m the type of girl who would accuse anyone of anything. My parents were super religious so I wasn’t allowed to dress nicely or even have friends. I don’t remember ever going to a birthday party as a child and I obviously didn’t have one either.

my sisters both moved away from uni and became “modern” I.e. looked better, learnt how to do makeup and wear nice clothes. I asked them to help me when I went away to uni but they laughed and called me square. I still don’t know how to do makeup or look nice. I feel I look like a “geek” in the words of my sisters. I spent my entire uni life on my own in my room whilst others partied and had fun.

I met a few “friends” when I started working but they were users. One helped me look better and I started going out but I got involved in risky behaviour which I’m very ashamed of. I got a bad reputation in the area I was living in. People called me “easy”. I felt ashamed every time I went out but alcohol and the fact I didn’t feel loved added to this behaviour.

I met DH and he was in the beginning really kind, and I thought he loved me. My sisters who were both married and had kids by now told me he must be really desperate to be with me and must be something wrong with him. He treated me so nicely. We got married and moved in with his mother. She was the typical Indian MIL in terms of I should be a servant to them and my husband. We had lots of fights. Then when I had my first child - a girl she started with the old fashioned Indian mentality of how awful it is. This brought back memories of my childhood. DH Only has sisters no brothers and his sisters were no better! They said how unfortunate it is I have a daughter. You can imagine how the memories all came back. MIL also called me a liar when I questioned her about her attitude to girls, which again brought back memories of my childhood.

I’m NC with DH’s sisters (going 5 years now) which has caused our relationship to deteriorate, he’s made it clear till I don’t make up with his family we will sleep in separate beds which we still do, I only talk to his mother when there’s a need. I’m NC with one of my sister, the other one actually said she’s really sorry for everything which kind of helped as I know I didn’t imagine it all,

there so much more but I can’t write anymore. If you’re still reading thank you! It really helped getting all that out.

im in the situation now where all relationships I try to develop I’m negative about them.

I agree with all the advice you’ve had so far, especially starting with the smaller things and building up to the big things. Personally, I’d focus on myself before putting myself out there to find friendships etc, so cutting the drinking and doing some sort of exercise most days would suffice for the first few weeks, then look at diet etc. Can recommend the couch to 5k programme if you fancy running.

Oh OP, I really feel for you. Thank you for sharing your story. Is there any possibility of leaving yor husband and living alone with the children?

You might be asking quite a lot of yourself to feel happier when you are stuck in this environment. It is unlikely anyone would feel happy with a partner who sleeps in a separate bed with a horrible family (on both sides) judging you. Of course you feel awful!

This is your life. You are the only one who can change it. No one is going to come and save you. You husband, his family and your family have proven themselves to be toxic humans and they will not change, no matter what you do.