To ask you how I can change my life…

[fedupmumof2]

I’m the lowest I’ve ever been. I’ve tried therapy (lots of different types including CBT). I’ve tried medication too but honestly I feel I need someone to give me practical advice which I need to hear no matter how brutal.

i feel I have no friends, no life outside of my kids, I live a life of constant worry and fear. I had a bad childhood full of abuse and emotional upheaval. My heart just always feels so heavy and I feel exhausted thinking about it all. I attract users into my life so I’ve for the time being just not bothering with anyone which makes me feel even more lonely. I’m desperate for human connection as I feel lonely but having people in my life just makes me more lonely as I feel broken. I do t know where to go for help. I know my diet is bad and I know I’m slightly over weight which could be making me feel worse. How can I change my life?

You have a lot going on there, and I’m not remotely qualified to advise you, sorry, so I’ll just focus on the small things to make a difference part - which I can very much relate to.
For me, I have my first coffee of the day outside in the garden, whatever the weather - the fresh air really seems to make a difference and helps get me going.
I try and walk everyday, even if it’s only for 10-15 minutes.
I also have started reading more, and doom-scrolling less - which has made a massive difference actually.
I’m filled with ambitions for things like cross-stitch, language or music learning etc etc but I know I won’t actually do it and then I’ll feel crap about myself, so my next step is to work on not planning this stuff in the first place and accepting that just reading or walking or whatever is a perfectly good use of my time.

1. Therapy
2. Start doing small things for yourself that will give you pleasure and build your sense of self-worth
3. 1 and 2 will begin giving you the confidence to leave what sounds like a poisonous home environment.

Thank you all. Taking all the advice on board.

You've done amazing given how tough your life has been. Personally I would suggest aim for just one thing a day, & build up as you get stronger. Too much change at once can be overwhelming. Are you getting enough sleep? Perhaps set yourself a routine or goal, so 10 minutes of a yoga video once a day (or a run - personally I'm in such poor shape a run would likely do more harm than good hence my suggestion of yoga, whatever appeals or suits you!). If you're just in a rut then adequate rest & a bit of exercise will lift you enough to start looking at other things you want to achieve, if you have depression or think you might have speak to your GP. Friendships are more tricky as it can be difficult/often you find out too late what they're really like so all I would suggest on that front is, is there a hobby that you would enjoy for its own sake that you could do (running club, book club, maybe an adult education course if such things still exist) & if you meet nice, like minded people great. If not you've still gotten some time for yourself & a bit of company. You're not alone OP & you are so much better than your family and IL's think.

How are you doing OP? X

@ChiefPearlClutcherthank you for asking. ive just referred myself for talking therapy in my area. So I’m waiting to hear back. Could be 3-6 months they said. I’m feeling really low and annoyed I’ve wasted my life by not getting better earlier. I’m in my early 40’s. I can’t believe I still feel this lost as I did as a young girl. I just want to be normal and less anxious. Wish there was a magic switch to make this happen

I've tried various therapies, but the only one to have helped with childhood trauma has been psychotherapy for PTSD - I think it was called CPT. It has made a huge difference to my automatic responses in particular, some of which I hadn't even realised were a trauma response until I noticed I didn't do it any more. My brain has definitely undergone a rewiring. Other therapies have helped with isolated issues (bereavement) or provided a tool kit to manage better day to day, but didn't fix anything long term.

Can you volunteer? Something around DCs/their hobbies? I help with DCs swim club and am in the school PTA, and DH volunteers with Scouts. When DCs were babies/toddlers, I helped to run the local community playgroup. It's a good way to meet people (both other volunteers and parents more generally), and depending on what it is, may get you moving and a bit fitter too without exercise having to be a conscious effort. By keeping it around things the DCs already do, it gets round any childcare issues.

I think the hardest part is getting your shoes on and getting out of the house sometimes. I might not always feel like going out somewhere or exercising, but I'm always pleased I went afterwards even when it has left me exhausted. I find it easier to make sure I get out the door and don't duck out if I feel like I'm expected to be there by others. It's why booked exercise classes (where my name will be checked off on the register) is better than the gym when I could go (or not!) anytime, and nobody would notice either way. I don't like letting people down, so reframe my brain and play to that (even though I know the reality is that the Swim Fit coach doesn't really give a shit if I don't turn up in the gramd scheme of things).

It's going to be a process that's for sure, and there will be bumps, but it's really important that you recognize them as such and don't let them throw you off course.

I'd really recommend reading how to do everything and be happy by Peter Jones. Admittedly it's not therapy but it might help you break down how you want your life to be, and get you thinking about what you can do.

You mention makeup. Start by watching 5 Lisa Eldridge videos on youtube. That's your first mini target.

Big hug OP. Please believe you are not alone, even if you feel unsupported in RL right now.

Another big fan of the Mel Robbins podcast here. For the uninitiated, she is a mid 50’s American mum who lost everything then built her way back up in her early 40’s. She started her podcast last autumn and it’s free with no ads in the uk. (Also on utube I think) she’s non judgemental and very motivational. The episodes are around 45 mins and come out on a Mon and Thurs. You could start at the beginning and work through one a day whilst on a walk which combined with no alcohol would give you a really good mental health boost.

The cutting down/giving up alcohol threads are really supportive on MN in case you didn’t look them up yet. Plus perhaps get your hormones checked? A relatively recent pregnancy and being in your early 40’s might be contributing? (Speaking from personal experience.. I blame lots of stuff on hormones!)

Whilst accepting it’s easier said than done, you have to challenge yourself to take action before feeling ready/finding the motivation. Then you will find your vicious circle becomes a virtuous one. Keep checking in if it keeps you accountable.

This. Honestly running changed my life, made me get over myself, made me more resilient and calm and optimistic. That last not in a pollyanna-ish way, more in a "well let's see what we can do for the best here" way.

And I know so many people now from running and cycling and dog walking.

Find the local parkrun and/or junior parkrun and start volunteering (it's all very easy). Rock up every week. Go to coffee after. Chat idly to people. Start couch-to-5k when you feel up to it.
Get out and about more in general, even if it's a simple project to walk every single different street or footpath in your town!

We're all mammals at bottom, we're social animals, and we need exercise and socializing. Look after yourself as you would your own pet.

Thank you everyone for your lovely messages and book/podcast recommendations. Thank you, I’m really trying to change things for my kids sake at the very least. I’ll keep you all updated with any progress I make. Thank you x

Christ OP you have not wasted your life. These (awful) experiences that you have had has made you the person you are today and have formed a way to look at and deal with the world that is unique to YOU and only you! I know a childhood lasts a lifetime, but if you can make all that crap work for you somehow you are totally winning!
You have young children - actively concentrate on doing stuff with them (you probably do already). They are the two people in the world that 100% want YOU and no one else because you are their mummy. An instant fan club. Like we both now know, your childhood sets the tone and it lasts a lifetime.
Your rubbish in-laws - take revenge by living your very best life.
The husband sounds a bit crap - is there something to work on there? Do you love him still?
Your job - you have a job! I gave mine up when eldest was born. Biggest mistake of my life and impossible to get back into it. If the job is a bit rubbish, can you get another one? Sideways move if you don’t have the energy right now for an upwards move?
The alcohol - knock that on the head. My mood, figure, skin and purse improved considerably when I stopped drinking. There is SO MUCH calories in booze, so much. I have fun experimenting with alcohol free gins and quite like an alcohol free beer on a hot day.
As said before, outdoor exercise, or just getting outdoors does SO much for my mood. Do you garden? Growing veg is quite rewarding. You can harvest radishes in 20 days!
Re-decorate a room, paint a wall, buy new bedding, colour and change your hair, paint your toenails, cook something complicated from scratch, whatever you’re into or used to be into, just do one thing. That is the hardest bit - making a start.
Have you been on anti -depressants before? I had really bad pnd after my second. A low dose of fluoxetine literally saved my life, it’s like it gave me a break from my brain. 18 months on that just re-set everything. Maybe worth investigating similar with your GP? It just dampens the noise so you can make a break for it. It also killed my libido stone dead - but that is/was just one of those things.
As for being in your 40’s etc. - 40
is the new 30. You are in the best years of your life. You will never be as young as you are TODAY.
I am cheering you on! Big hugs!

Best piece of advice I can give you is to start looking forward. It sounds like you've had it tough but this doesn't need to dictate your future. Anything could happen! Try to start feeling excited about a new future full of possibilities.

Get out for a walk every. single. day. Start with five minutes out and five minutes back. Get your clothes ready the night before and lay them out where you can see them. It's an easy habit to build and you will start to feel good about yourself for being consistent.

Definitely this. I think we really underestimate how badly alcohol affects our mood. I really notice it because I barely drink but when I do, I feel low 1-2 days afterwards. Then feeling low makes you feel worse etc. Ditto for processed /takeaway food which I definitely don't avoid enough!

Is there a nice park or somewhere you can go walking? That's usually a good mood lifter x

Don't try and adjust everything at once - start with one or two things, such as stop drinking and more sleep. Once your body has adjusted to that then add in another two, maybe more water and exercise. Then again when feeling a bit better, try therapy and a hobby. Doesn't have to be in that order and go at your own rate. I'm sorry your feeling this way x