Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just not want my inlaws staying in the house?

36 replies

posieflump · 20/02/2008 19:06

We have recently moved into a larger house with a spare room.
Usually inlaws would stay in a hotel nearby when they visit (they live 6 hours drive away so come for a few days).
My parents will continue to stay in a hotel as they like the break/holiday aspect of it.
Dh says it would be unfair to ask his parents to fork out for a hotel now we have room. They can afford it and they stay for about 3-4 nights.
I probably am being unreasonable but I hate the whole sharing of bathrooms etc with MIL. I just don't want them here when i wake up and when I go to bed for 4 fricking days. They drive me crazy, wind the kids up so they don't want to go to bed etc etc

OP posts:
Carmenere · 20/02/2008 19:07

YABU

janeite · 20/02/2008 19:08

Yes you are being unreasonable.

Wilkie · 20/02/2008 19:08

YABVU

re-read your post and look at it from their POV. Very unfair

constancereader · 20/02/2008 19:08

I can sympathise TOTALLY, but I do think your ds has a point. (Sorry).

I don't like sharing my bathroon with people I like, let alone people that drive me crazy. You will just have to grit your teeth.

piratecat · 20/02/2008 19:09

YABU

Yet its the law, to hate the whole thing.

think of it as good for the spirit. They are the only paternal grandparents your dc's have got.

Hulababy · 20/02/2008 19:09

Sorry, think YABU.

Tatties · 20/02/2008 19:10

Do you think your ILs might prefer to continue staying at the hotel?

I like my space too so IMO, YANBU

Original poster
posieflump · 20/02/2008 19:10

Okay I expected that

It's just they seem to have accepted the fact that when they come they stay in a hotel, they haven't assumed now we have moved they could stay here, it's just dh who says it would be mean not to offer ( and of course they will accept)

Is it really that bad considering my relationship with them deteriorates the more they annoy me? I try so hard not to let them see but I know they know iyswim

OP posts:
Crunchie · 20/02/2008 19:11

shouldn't have bought a house with a spare bedroon reallu should you !! What was the point unless you have poeple to stay

RubySlippers · 20/02/2008 19:11

YABU!

you have a spare room - thought you were going to say you had no space and you would be kipping on the coach

just because they can afford to stay in hotel doesn't mean they should be compelled to

paddingtonbear1 · 20/02/2008 19:12

I do sympathise, but yes you are being unreasonable. My in laws live down south and come for the weekend every couple of months. We have a spare room so they stay here, the only time they didn't was when I'd just given birth!

sophiewd · 20/02/2008 19:14

I have to say I agree with you, sometimes my IL's stay with us, other times they stay locally, find that much less strain when they stay locally as they can get up when they want in morning, we don't have to cope with them as well as getting DD off to nursery, we do stuff with them during the day/evening, but neither us nor them feel that we are being forced to spend time together so less strain.

Wilkie · 20/02/2008 19:15

I do sympathise - my FIL drives me INSANE but I have to accept that WE choose to live far enough away from them that they have to stop over from time to time. It is only fair and REALLY is a 'bite your lip' kind of moment.

It's hard but that's just life unfortunately.

My FIL is a lovely man but REALLY gets under my skin so I totally sympathise!!

ComeOVeneer · 20/02/2008 19:15

I don't get on with my MIl (just have a search on my previous posts on the subject) but I to would say yabu. Count yourself lucky MIL brings her dog when she comes to stay, and it has to sleep in the room with them (despite the fact we have 2 cats)!

Original poster
posieflump · 20/02/2008 19:15

oh yes I did say to dh that I didn't want a spare room if this is what would happen

How long is reasonable for them to stay then do you think? Is 3 nights acceptable for me to say? Really I think 2 nights is more thna enough but apparently, according to dh, again I am being unfair

I have to say I hate the whole inlaw thing, i know I signed up to it when I got married etc etc but I really don't feel part of their family and compared to some of the horrendous stories I've read on here I am very very lucky

OP posts:
piratecat · 20/02/2008 19:17

Your DH is being fair.

pre divorce

it would have been my dh who would have wanted them to stay at a hotel, and I would have had to be the nice one, and tell him to not be so horrible.

It wasn't a barrel of laughs when my ex inlaws visited. Me and ex dh used to laugh becuase we realsied after about 2 yrs, there was a 3 day rule.

They always came for at least a week as they had a long journey( being from Germany, yes Germany!)and ex would always say 'oh he (his dad) seems ok this time'

Then things would always kick off, and we'd stand there saying omg, its day 3 .

ANYONE staying in your house is unsettling, and I do sympathise, but perhaps you have to keep some de stressing strategies in mind!!!

Like exiting the room to dep breathe etc!!

good luck!!

girlfrommars · 20/02/2008 19:18

YANBU
This is the reason my spare room is filled with boxes that should really go in the loft

Original poster
posieflump · 20/02/2008 19:20

pre kids they came to stay for 2 weeks!!
To be fair they were doing a lot of DIY for us.
During those 2 weeks I was at work full time.
They honestly drove me loopy. I hated coming hom from work and instead of being able to chill out I had to make decisions on paint and have dinner with them.
And that was only seeing them in the evening and at weekends and no added stress of having kids . I just have no tolerance for them

OP posts:
Libra · 20/02/2008 19:22

We have a rule that the day after my MIL has left, we go out for a nice meal and have a good moan about her.
I look forward to that meal the entire weeks (yes, she likes to get good value out of her ticket) she is with us.

Original poster
posieflump · 20/02/2008 19:24

I do feel sorry for my poor dh
he knows exactly how I feel and walks on eggshells around me when they are here
It really is for his sanity too for them to stay in a hotel but he can't ask because he thinks/knows it isn't right

OP posts:
Spink · 20/02/2008 19:24

3 days sounds like a dream, tbh. my parents are staying with us for 3 weeks. they're not in-laws but still we annoy and drive each other crazy... we have no spare room, they sleep on the couch. OUr flat has a strange layout meaning they have to walk through our bedroom to get to the bathroom. Which they do several times during the night. It is mostly horrible, with little bits of loveliness because ds loves them so much. I mainly grit my teeth and pop out lots to the corner shop for 'bread'...

piratecat · 20/02/2008 19:25

I have no sympathy then

DIY !, only had to have dinner with them!!

I had to go to a theme park with mine (yes this was even pre dc)!!!

I have had to play crazy golf, with my very competitive ex fil!!!

I have had to traipse round london doing the sights on about 10 occasions!! AND still cook them dinner and feed them copious amounts of crumpets (they love em).

At least there were no dubious shaving hairs in my razor from mil.

now I am being mean LOL!!

Original poster
posieflump · 20/02/2008 19:30

at razors and walking through bedrooms to the bathroom

OP posts:
ChutneyMary · 20/02/2008 19:34

PF, I can see precisely where you are coming from but I think you might look rather rude if you didn't offer them the spare room when they came. I find prolonged exposure to my ILs very stressful and DH and I always row when we are with them but I think I would feel slightly awkward making them still stay in a hotel when they were down. Of course, if they would PREFER it, that's great but you need to offer. 3 days is ample. Make sure you have lots organised as it is easier to keep the peace wehn you are all busy and out of the house.

Hats off to the poster who had visitors for 3 weeks. There'd be a corpse chez chutney if mine were around for that long, and it might be mine....

bubblagirl · 20/02/2008 19:35

if your parents decided they didnt want hotel but to stay with you would you be so against it then if you werent how would you feel for your dh to not want them there

it is 3 days grin and bear it they are his parents and it is only fair to offer a choice they may not take you up on it but if they do its a good thing your doing

and they wont be moving in so just smile through it and maybe if they do stay you abd dh could go out one evening and take advantage of them being there