To think that my 14 year old daughter has to be told no sometimes?

[Tallulu]

I’m having trouble with my 14 year old daughter at the minute. For background she’s my only girl; I have three boys (2 older than her, 1 younger).

She was a really sweet little girl growing up. But when she hit 13 or so, the teen hormones hit and she started shutting herself in her room, barely speaking to me, being stroppy and argumentative, all the usual teen stuff I suppose.

Lately it’s gotten worse. Many days she won’t get out of her bed to go to school and prefers to spend all day in bed texting. She stopped doing a sport she played for years. She badgers me constantly to buy her clothes, makeup, perfume, or she just nicks mine. I thought getting a part-time job might help but she flat out refuses. I ask if she wants to come on walks with me or exercise classes, she just rolls her eyes. She refuses to do any chore around the house even though her brothers all do their share.

Recently I found a vaping kit in her room and some alcohol (which she took from her older brother who is 19). I was furious at first but when I’d calmed down tried to have a talk with her and cleared the air (or so I thought at the time).

Lately she will badger me, all day, to get a lift to a nearby town to visit a female friend of hers that I’ve never met. And I mean badger. She will shout, cry, slam doors, moan about how unfair it all is that I won’t let her do “anything she likes to do” or “have any fun”. Today I tried to compromise and asked her why didn’t she invite the friend up to our house, but she didn’t want that. I said why don’t you go with friend to the cinema? “Cinema’s boring.” She accused me of “keeping her locked up” (not true, last weekend she was out to a teen night at a club with aforementioned friend and stayed at her house!) and I tried to explain that I can’t just let her do whatever she wants all the time.

She responded that she hates me, she’s never going to speak to me again and, sarcastically, “thanks for making [her] even more unhappy than she is right now”.

I know she’s 14 so her social interactions are pretty much everything to her, but I have to protect her too. I explained to her my concerns about her hanging around in another town with people I never met and whose parents I don’t know, not knowing where she’s going in said town, and how it’s hard to trust her after finding the vaping kit and alcohol. But she doesn’t want to engage with me at all.

Punishment wise my husband (who is a lot stricter than me) does not deal well with her behaviour; he just shouts at her. I try taking her phone away for, say, a set number of days, or refusing to give her spending money but nothing seems to have an impact. Whatever limit I have set to the number of days the punishment will last, when it’s over we’re back to square one.

The whole situation has left me feeling low and stressed. The tension and the arguments with her are constant. I feel so sad that it’s like this with my only daughter.

Please, any advice? AIBU in telling her no sometimes? She makes me feel like I’m a terrible mum.

Is she actually not going to school??

If that’s the case you should be able to engage professional help via the school.

From a non professional POV I find bribery works, what does she value? Make getting that dependant on certain behaviours. Prioritise getting her to school.

I don't have good advice, but you are absolutely in the right to tell her no.

My initial thought is that there is a huge correlation in teens between mood and time spent on devices.

Tell her once she goes to school consistently, does her homework properly and manages her chores the same as her brothers you will agree to sit down with her and discuss what she wants calmly.

Vaping is a big no. It will be another cigarette health scandal in twenty years so stop her now.

Who is this female friend? School, club or from online only? Where are her other friends?

Hi there - I have some experience of this.

Sit her down when she is in a relatively 'good' mood. Tell her that you love her and are concerned that she is missing out on school. It's really important that you let her know that you have her best interests at heart.

Then let her know that her privileges are 100percent dependent on her attending classes. If she misses school you don't give her cash and take away her phone. If the behaviour starts again straight away, go back to square one.
Have the school been in contact with her about missing classes? If not, call her head of year and ask for a support meeting. Does the school have a counsellor? If it does, I would suggest she sees them asap.

All the best with this. Teenage girls can be very exhausting but prioritise getting her in to school.

If she won't go to school take her phone off her

Are you absolutely sure this 'friend' is really a girl?

Her behaviour, whilst it could be also undiagnosed SEND, a MH issue or just being a shitty teenager, also flags up in my mind as consistent with being groomed for sexual abuse or gang activity.

I'd want to be speaking to the school DSL on Monday.

And probably also the demands for ever more makeup and clothes. Everything they're absorbing on Instagram etc - it all seems based around looks - makeup, hair videos etc as well as comparing themselves to peers. Bloody social media.

Instead of taking things away make her earn things. In a few years she has to earn her way in the world. It's best that she learned that now. The first thing she needs to earn is your trust. Tell her to stop asking for things over and over. Once you said no it's no.

I was an awful teen. I have a DD who is 15 and I’m adamant she won’t be the teenager I was. I struggled with PMDD my whole menstruating life so my first suggestion would be to read up on it and watch her monthly cycle; it can play havoc with moods, anxiety and anger.
Be firm and consistent with your boundaries. My kids have chores and a monthly (generous) allowance. On top of that they must clean a car each week, inside or out, to earn their phones and contracts. We use screen time and no Xbox etc Sunday through Thursday, although they do play on their phones. If I don’t know where my DD is going and who with, she’s not going. DS is 17 and driving so he has more freedoms, but he knows I want an idea of where he’s going and who with.
Parenting is a minefield…. good luck.

Are you absolutely sure this 'friend' is really a girl?

This was my first thought too OP.

Some here have mentioned possible SEN. I can’t comment on that.

DD 17 here. She does shout and scream though she is slowly coming out of that. She does shut herself in her room. She does badger. I am the worst parent in the world. (That led to an argument in the supermarket aisle with a mate of my own as she had been told the very same that morning. Who was going to take the title that day of worst mother!)

And, oh, the bitchiness to me. DH doesn’t receive it and doesn’t understand the relentlessness of it. He also doesn’t understand my need for wine at times (I don’t drink tea or coffee).

DD worked for the past year and that has helped. She has never refused school. As an only, she has never had to negotiate siblings so I have to wisdom there. But, in her sane moments, she says we have brought her up well. We have always said no. We are not rich and that is noticeable compared to some of her friends but she is surviving and thriving that.

Do your best. Stick to your guns. Take the good moments and treasure them. As the one who was once a teenage girl, you are both her inspiration and her shield from her father and brothers. DH and I have had huge barneys as he doesn’t know/has never come across her behaviour before. But he does show fabulous patience with her when I am ready to let rip. I have struggled. I have cried. But DD is growing into someone who will be a pleasure and our pride.

Ideally please don't take her phone off her.

Let her keep it, but maybe limit what she can do with it, ie restrict the time she's online etc.

I don't want to worry you but my nephew was showing some really bad behaviours. His mum took his phone off him.

He went missing for over a week. Nobody could contact him and he couldn't contact anyone else! The police found him in the end.

Hi everyone, thanks for the responses.

The friend, J, is a girl from school; I have seen her a few times when I’ve picked my daughter up but J always slopes off before I can speak to her or say hello. My daughter won’t bring her to meet me. Although, one of her frequent claims is that I have met J because I’ve seen her. I’ve pointed out that seeing is not the same as meeting!

That’s not to say there might not be some boy on the scene and I think this is actually the likely scenario. She’s told me about boys she likes in the past and I don’t have any issues with her going out with anyone (in an age appropriate way and doing age appropriate things) as she’ll be 15 in a couple of months. It’s the behaviour that’s the problem.

She used to have other friends too but she never mentions them now or brings them home.

The refusing to go to school is happening often enough now that I’m going to arrange to meet with her head teacher.

She doesn’t seem to learn anything from having her phone (the only thing she seems to really value atm) taken off her. She’ll double down and retreat to her room.

On the occasions I tell her no to something, I absolutely stick to my guns but she will go on and on at me relentlessly. Even if I leave the house she will call and text, when she gets the same answer that’s when I start getting the string of abuse and “I hate you”.

Sounds really tough OP. Don't have teens here yet so no proper advice but what I'd maybe try is to get her when she is in a calm mood (maybe take her out for lunch or something?) And try between you to establish some mutually agreed reasonable rules and some boundaries for your relationship eg. When you say no she should respect that, her saying she hates you won't change that and will hurt you and makes you want to do it even less. Rewards and privileges should be earned theough good school attendance.

I also find there is something about her relationship with this girl that i am finding uncomfortable reading but can't put my finger on. She's dropped her other friends? How does she know this girl? I think i would insist on her coming over. Is the girl older?

The girl is a friend from her year at school, they’re the same age. The relationship makes me uncomfortable too as my daughter’s personality has changed so drastically since she became good friends with her 😔

Who is she texting? Surely all her friends are at school?

Are you sure it's a girl that she wants to meet? Quite honestly I wouldn't let her go that unless you'd met her.

It may well be that her friend is also off school. You should ask the schoolabout the relationship between the two of them and whether her behaviour at school is good.

If removing the phone doesn't seem to bother her and she goes back to her room, are you sure she doesn't have a secret phone so carries on as normal?

I must echo a pp: this could potentially be grooming. (Had to have training in this, plus have some experience).

It might well not be, but she's vulnerable, miserable, and alienated. (Not your fault).

Try to get your husband onside: he sounds as though he's making the situation much worse. Talk to him about grooming, and being an approachable dad.

My dd is the same age. I’d be very worried if she wouldn’t go to school.

I also wouldn’t take a child’s phone if they have a tendency to go off. Does your dd do this?

Emotionally your dd does sound to be struggling a lot. Whether it’s the influence of the other girl or something else, this needs unpicking. The first place to start if your dd won’t talk is to talk to the school about why she is refusing school and to get a system together to help facilitate regular attendance. They should have a dedicated staff member or members your dd can go to if she’s struggling and can put some kind of support in place for her. Maybe they will come and talk to you in your home.

As for the girl, to a certain extent it’s hard to stop your dd from being friends with her at this age. Does your dd talk to you at all about her friends? My dd is pretty open about friendships. I only have the one child and have always encouraged discussions, been open house for her friends etc. A couple of her friends also sometimes text me, happy birthday and such.

If you’re really concerned about the girl, your dd doesn’t yet get to decide to meet up with her but at some stage soon, your dd will just go and not care about what you think. You both seem to be butting heads a lot. So breaking it down and seeing things from your dd’s perspective would be helpful. She needs things to look forward to, guidance and a framework. The amount of freedom she gets can only be commensurate with the amount of responsibility that she shows for herself.

What does your dd actually have to look forward to?

Slightly off topic but I do wish we could go back to having Saturday jobs available for young teens. I worked in a shop from 13 years old on a Saturday and took a great deal of pride in earning my own money for clothes and going out. Nowadays we have to keep paying for our kids in most cases until they are at least 16 as there aren’t any jobs they are allowed to do (paper delivery aside - but exactly how many routes are still out there in the day of the smartphone?)

The lack of opportunity for kids to be responsible doesn’t help children like your daughter.

I don’t have any other advice though I’m afraid.

Why are lots of posters questioning if the girl might be a boy? You know many 14 year old girls have no interest in boys, so not sure why that should be a major concern (especially when OP has seen this girl)

OP, what's the issue with her going to meet this girl? It's perfectly normal at secondary school age to only know of their friends, but not know them deeply.

I see you already have lots of good advice but thought I’d add as my DD is 14 also. My DD gets anxious about school and sometime won’t go but she knows having her phone and switch has several rules, 1. She goes to school, 2. She hands it back at 8pm no arguments. 3. I check everything and if there’s signs of deleting stuff she loses it next day 4. No swearing, this has got bad.
I have lots of issues with DD and we have professional help but DD is very vulnerable with a phone so this is rigid.

I just wanted to give you hope, OP. You are in what in my experience is the worst couple of years.

Dd is 17 now and life is a world away from the foul tempered demanding strops of 14/15. This phase will pass.