To want a baby sooner rather than later

[CheesePls]

We are due to get married soon, we really want to start a family and I can’t get the idea out my head. Unfortunately we still live in a rented home. We have got the deposit for a house saved but just hanging fire at the moment due to the high rates. I want to enjoy the build up to our wedding, our honeymoon, etc without my mind wandering but can’t seem to at the moment. We did have an early loss of an unplanned pregnancy some months ago which has worsened the broodiness I think. Logically I know we have lots of time and should be enjoying this dual income no kids phase but I just can’t seem to. We likely only want one too unless our minds massively change so there definitely isn’t a rush to start biologically. AIBU (and a bit crazy) or is this normal?

We did conceive fairly quickly (I’m guessing anyway) as it was an unplanned pregnancy that we lost last time. Aware that could’ve been fluke though.

You can always get a longer mortgage (with lower monthly payments) so that you're able to afford childcare costs more easily. Most of the time, mortgage payments are lower than rent but obviously you have to pay out for house maintenance etc.

We took out a 35 year mortgage on our house even though we could have a much shorter term as we knew it would take the pressure off us financially while doing renovations and then having children. Once our fixed rate ends and our children (I'm pregnant) are school age then we will look to reduce our term and increase payments. In the end, what mattered to us was getting on the property ladder so that we weren't stuck renting for 5+ extra years. The less money you put into your landlord's pocket now equates to more money in your pocket to spend on your children in the future - as you should hopefully pay it off at a younger age. For instance if our children want to go to university then we'll be able to offer a lot more support if we aren't lumbered with a mortgage.

I'm definitely a planner though! We bought our first (very run down) house at 25 and got married at 28. I had my first DC at 30, for context.

How old are your parents OP? Did they have you quite late? I'm just wondering if that is part of the concern.

Thank you, this sounds sensible! 35 year term is definitely the way. Like your perspective of having more to help when you need to. And yes they did! So did DHs parents.

^ well, DH to be of course.

I am aware there’s no rush too if we only want one. It just feels like someone is missing from our family now

I'm in London and pay £2300 a month for full time nursery.

oh bless.
You actually believe that will happen? truly free hours funded at the rate which they actually cost?

sorry, you haven't read enough threads on here.

You didn’t read my full post, then? I said im aware they are not free. Just discounted. Obviously there will still be a cost but hopefully a few hundred pounds will be saved this way. There’s no need to be patronising. 👍

I can see from your replies you seem really set on wanting a baby right now.

I had a baby before owning a house. I always thought it would be OK and I would get on the hosuing ladder afterwards. Life hasn't worked out like that and I am still renting and it is likely now that I will never buy my own home.

So, if you really want a baby go for it. But, don't just assume that the house and marriage will fall into place later because often, even with the best intentions it just doesn't work out like that.

You will need to go into it with the acceptance that having a baby now might mean you sacrifice other things forever. This might be at cost to your baby too. How would that leave you feeling in the long run?

I know what it feels like for nothing to come close to that desire to have a baby. If you can try and be a bit more rational for just a little while longer you might thank yourself later.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Thank you for your perspective

We rented til I was 40... Good to wait until you're married especially as that is relatively soon. But no need to put things off until you've bought a house, especially if that might take a while. Our kids were primary school aged when we bought our house.

apologies, my mistake. but it's still not 30 hours year round, it's term time only so if you're using nursery to work it's less hours per week.

Thank you

I think you're looking in the wrong places and letting your broodiness steer you.

But a house ASAP. There's nothing like paying a mortgage down ASAP. Prioritise this above all else. Even if you have to get a long mortgage term or not buy quite the house you want just yet... but a house. Preferably worst house on the best street you can afford.

THEN make wedding plans, based on your finances post house-buying. You can get married for next to nothing, or spend a ridiculous amount of money on it. Factor in TTC plans and subsequent childcare costs at this point too because these are foreseeable at that stage.

THEN once you are married, TTC. You'll have a lot more security, especially if you are both youngish and came to the marriage without significant assets.

I can tell you from the other side, that the funded hours at nursery are really neither here nor there in the scheme of things. They're helpful, but in 10-15 years time, presuming you'll have had your children by then, the things that will more significantly affect your income and wealth will be:

Paying down a mortgage
Not paying extortionate interest on anything
Not continuing to service student loans
Making 1 or 2 savvy House moves
Both of you finding ways to continue in your careers... keeping a presence in the jobs market despite maternity leaves and child rearing in your case
Both of you finding ways to earn more (usually promotion)
Treating childcare costs as a household cost, not your bill to pay
Inheritances (not assuming anything here)

These things result in very significant gains or barriers to your income and lifestyle longer-term than funded childcare in the next few years.

Get a pet for now!!

And maybe reassess, if once you've done all of the above TTC doesn't work as easily as you'd hoped. It's not the amount of time that you spend on each thing that matters, but the order that you do them in.

Having children is a loooong game. You're worried about nursery fees now, but soon enough it will be uniforms, school trips abroad, driving lessons and uni (or similar).

If you're young and want to stay together as you say you do, then massively play this to your advantage and don't rush to TTC.

You say 20s but which is it -22? Or 28?

Personally - and it can only be a personal thing, I wish I had been in the position to have my little one when I was a little bit younger- say 25-30. I wasn't and I'm not as able to rush around these days. It is different for everyone obviously. Also we'd have found it harder to get mortgage as lenders take into account your child.

Thank you

I think it’s hard as we know people who have made it work in MUCH worse positions than us. We have stable income which will only rise, a solid/loving relationship and plenty of time, energy and care to give. We just don’t have a mortgage yet. But that seems like such a big gamble at the moment anyway with how expensive things are. We have a HA house and can stay here as long as we want really

My advice remains unchanged!!

I think it’s hard as we know people who have made it work in MUCH worse positions than us.

Indeed, but why not make the best of it for yourselves?

We have stable income

If this is earned income, then that can change in the blink of an eye... redundancy, Ill health, change of employer's circumstances... not to mention maternity leave and juggling working with childcare.

Early years childcare is expensive, and school age childcare is nowhere near as convenient as nursery.

which will only rise

See above re earned income.

a solid/loving relationship

Sorry to have a downer on this, but realistically that can also change in the blink of an eye.

and plenty of time, energy and care to give

I'm sure you do, but there's the guest things to evaporate when you're dealing with the various challenges of child rearing.

We just don’t have a mortgage yet

I'm sure there are statistics that shoe how much harder/unlikely it is to get a mortgage after DC than before.

that seems like such a big gamble at the moment anyway with how expensive things are.

Some of this is not a gamble, but a dead cert. Long-term, houses and everything are only going to get more expensive.

Do the hard yards now whilst you have time, youth and spare cash on your side.

We have a HA house and can stay here as long as we want really

Fair enough. Is that what you'll want in 10, 20 years time though? Do you want to retire there? What about wanting to have a house as an asset for various reasons?

Full disclosure OP... DH and I were early 30s when our DC were born..... we'd been together a good while by then, bought a cheap house, got married, moved to a slightly better house, studied, had payrises, had time to ourselves, acquired pets.

It felt about right compared to our peers and always has done. We got a good foundation in place from starting with very little. We were wiser than people who had DCs young, and had time to work on our relationship and get some tough stuff done.

Yet we got on the housing ladder early doors and have always felt very averagely-aged as parents.

Thank you, some good points

The mix of comments is quite interesting on here to be honest

Please calm down .. your life will be so much easier if you do everything in the 'right' order .. that doesn't mean some ridiculous social convention but entirely because of the legal protection it affords you ..

Marriage - legal contract
House - you have a legal contract and have certain rights regardless of specific contributions .
Baby - baby has a home guarded by the initial legal contract ..

Do it the other way round and you could find .. (as so so many have done on here .. just read the threads )

Baby - Not married to father . No entitlement to anything except CMS (if he is self employed he can avoid)

House - No legal contract . Your name needs to be on the mortgage . Do you qualify if you are looking after baby and have no income ? No you don't . He can carry on living in the house but you will be entitled to not much life than you contributed to the deposit .

Marriage - highly unlikely once you have had a child .. in the words of that hackneyed and misogynistic phrase.. (yet so sadly true and echoed on here ten times over .. ' why buy the cow when the calf came for free ' ..

Things are done in a specific order for a reason . Protect yourself and start with a legal contract .(marriage)

Thank you, we are planning on getting married first and always were