To want a baby sooner rather than later

[CheesePls]

We are due to get married soon, we really want to start a family and I can’t get the idea out my head. Unfortunately we still live in a rented home. We have got the deposit for a house saved but just hanging fire at the moment due to the high rates. I want to enjoy the build up to our wedding, our honeymoon, etc without my mind wandering but can’t seem to at the moment. We did have an early loss of an unplanned pregnancy some months ago which has worsened the broodiness I think. Logically I know we have lots of time and should be enjoying this dual income no kids phase but I just can’t seem to. We likely only want one too unless our minds massively change so there definitely isn’t a rush to start biologically. AIBU (and a bit crazy) or is this normal?

I would hold off until you are married and have a mortgage. It's a little trickier to get a mortgage once you have a dependent or at least you generally can't borrow as much as they take childcare costs etc into consideration. Obviously you shouldn't get a massive mortgage that you can't afford while raising an infant but still...

I personally feel that it's a lot more enjoyable to have a chance to fully focus on your wedding planning and making your new house feel like home prior to children coming into the picture. Renovation work, big furniture purchases etc often gets put on the backburner when people have children due to changing priorities and limited budgets. Not to mention as PPs have that you should enjoy your honeymoon and maybe a couple of other holidays first.

I love my toddler DS so much but a holiday won't feel like a relaxing break for many years to come...and that's ok! But I'm really glad I got to go on an amazing 2 week honeymoon across Peru, travelled around New Zealand etc beforehand.

I would say by all means start trying after the wedding. We had one during covid, got married the following year and now expecting #2. I’m really glad to have been lucky enough to have two but my only one regret in life is that we didn’t get married sooner because we didn’t get to go on a proper honeymoon. I felt it wouldn’t be a honeymoon if we took our baby so we only went for a weekend abroad without him. I wasn’t fussed on a big wedding so could easily have saved money and done something small but I always imagined my honeymoon to be so relaxing and just such a nice luxury holiday but it wasn’t like that at all. I missed him and it was just a short break so I really wished we’d got married before having him. I’d say enjoy every second of your honeymoon. Make the most of the drinking and lounging about reading books etc. Then try after 😊

Thank you x

Peru and New Zealand wouldn’t have been easy with a toddler that’s for sure! Thanks x

Just as an aside (as I'm currently pregnant and got really excited about the free childcare) it doesn't fully come in until September 2025 that is when the free 30 hours begins. September 2024 you can get 15 free hours for 9months and older.
I'm currently 24 + 5 and gutted that the 30 free hours doesn't come in until our little one will be 2.

Ah, thank you! That is quite a way away, how frustrating. At least you’ll have the 15 hours. We worked out that Christmas conception onwards would be maximum 12 months old by September 2025 so would probably utilise the free hours. Someone else on another board was saying to a poster that it’s reliant on government anyway and there will be a general election next year so might happen differently to as promised anyway.

Another point about the free hours. I’m so glad they’re doing something about the cost of childcare but for us 30 free hours will take our £1200 per month bill down to around £800. Then we’ll get a bit more off with tax free childcare. 15 hours will of course reduce it by less. The free hours are term time only so get spread across the year.

So yes it’s still saving £100s but its still eye wateringly expensive.

Is that for full time place?

I pay £1000 for part time nursery a month; I’m stuck as can’t get a new mortgage. Yes “YOLO” but if you can wait so life is a little less of a struggle and get a house first it will be.. less of a struggle.

Fair enough. That’s a lot

4 Days a week in the midlands

Yikes I thought you’d say 5 days in London. That’s a lot!

We moved to a bigger house earlier this year, there was only one provider who would give us a mortgage even though we had a 40% deposit and decent incomes. They deduct the childcare costs from your post tax salary before they even start looking at the other affordability criteria. The mortgage payments for a bigger house are still less than the childcare bill 😂

I’m so glad we moved when we did because I’m pregnant with our second and I really don’t think anyone will give us us a mortgage if we had 2 in childcare.

Sorry to put a downer on things. Though I really wish it cost less it’s only temporary, I really enjoy my job and DS has a great time at nursery, they’ve taught him so much. A childminder would be cheaper but I don’t know any and don’t have any friends who could recommend one.

That is outrageous, there’s honestly no reward for working hard with the system the way it is! I suppose it’s good that it had a positive benefit on your son though, I know people have mixed views with childminders anyway.

That’s true though we heard from family there will be 30 free hours from 9 months old by the time we have one. I researched and understand they’re not free, basically just discounted as you have to pay a top up in many cases. This would make it cheaper for us.

Oh, don't be fooled. I have 2 kids, quite close together in age. We were paying £3k for childcare per month until our 30 'free' hours kicked in for the eldest. It saved us £400 a month, so we were still paying £2600. It will be better for you, as your 'free' hours will come to you sooner, and with only one child it's more manageable. Plus I worked full time and you may not need full time childcare. But regardless, don't be fooled into thinking that you won't feel the cost of childcare!

And yes definitely get the mortgage sorted first! They take childcare costs into account and it's a huge hit.

No, life won't work around you. Thinking that is ignorant and dangerous.

I definitely wouldn't be making any decisions based on that. The Tories aren't going to be in power by that time and the sector seems at best dubious that it's going to happen. The capacity is nowhere near there at present, and a lot of work will have to be done in the meantime.

Life is enjoyable with children but in a different way. As well as the monetary aspect there is the absolute joy of lazy Sunday mornings, leisurely lunches and doing things on spec with zero planning. All lost post children for quite a few years.

That’s true, we do understand that but would rather do it while young and with energy / family support

We’re more worried about being up to our eyeballs in mortgage debt and then having to pay for childcare at the same time, we have it cheaper where we are atm

If I were in my 20s I would enjoy the tume together the freedom and the lack.of responsibility for a few years before becoming parents

Some have said this but some people also say it’s better to be younger, biologically

Me and DH were in a similar position and I fell pregnant at 23, now 25 with a toddler and a newborn.

Pros for us- more energy, younger grandparents, we love our babies, i personally couldnt bear to wait any longer

Cons- cost of everything, I'm a teacher and Returning to work will cost my entire wage on nursery fees, it's hard sometimes not to be jealous of dual income friends who just randomly book holidays while I'm watching bluey

Do not minimise nursery costs, full time for my two will be 2.5k and we don't live in London. We also have a mortgage in a house we can stay in until the childcare years are over and in theory forever.

My advice is sit down and cost it all out, then decide what to prioritise. We are the youngest of all the parents we now know, the average age mid 30s aside from a few very late 20s. Good luck!

Don't wait if you both want it. You never know how long it will take.