To ask for advice on how to unspoil my child?

[Sunshinebuttercupsrainbows]

Name changed as the context here is very outing.

My DS is 6 and has had a difficult hand dealt to him. He was removed from his birth mum at birth, I adopted him with my exhusband when he was 1. We split when he was 3 and my ex was having contact until last year - he was unable to cope with DS and was getting aggressive and physical. The last time he had contact, my ex assaulted my son. Police and social services were already involved due to previous incidents. He decided then that he didn’t want contact with DS anymore (fine by me and I was hating contact by this point and only going through with it because SS were offering support). So he lost his dad and also his older brother (my exes son) and he hasn’t seen either of them for over a year.

He has special needs - ASD, ADHD, speech disorder and FASD. Attend a special school that he gets a taxi too, which is an hour each way.

So because of all of the above, I have overcompensated when it comes to trying to give my son the best life ever. He wants for very little. We do lots of lovely things, low key and not things that he finds overwhelming. Beach trips, weekends away, theme parks, farms. We live with my DP who dotes on DS, and who DS loves so much.

We have always worried that maybe we are spoiling him but DS has always been so happy and grateful for what he called “the best life ever”.

Lately though things have changed. He’s struggling a bit in general with his emotions but also his attitude and today it has just really upset me. Lovely day at the beach where he went in the fun fair on all the rides, had an ice cream, McDonald’s lunch, went in the sea, arcades, a donut… on the way home I asked him if he had a nice day and he said “no because you didn’t get a video of my climbing on the rocks”.

FFS. I don’t know if it’s to do with his disabilities (focusing on the one thing that didn’t go how he wanted rather than all the good) or whether he’s just so used to having everything he wants? This is just one example but there have been a fair few over the past few weeks.

Despite his disabilities he is very cognitively advanced so very clever and capable. Is this normal behaviour for his age? How the heck do I get him to appreciate what he has?

Ooh this sounds like my daughter! Gets fixated but on reflection she usually later realises her behaviour and apologises sometimes too. She's definitely autistic/adhd but is awaiting diagnosis. She'd be at the high functioning/milder end if the spectrum was still a thing. I'd cut him some slack but maybe cut back some of the treats - he didn't need donuts, ice cream, mcdonalds etc and he didn't need to go on ALL the rides etc. Just start slightly dialling it back and see what happens.

He sounds like a regular 6 year old to be honest!

I have a NT 6 year old who can be an ungrateful little so and so at times. I think they’re very much still only concerned with themselves at this age to be honest, reminders and corrections are enough I think to start sowing the seeds of gratitude. They will outgrow it.

Thanks all, this is really reassuring to hear! It’s so hard trying to figure out what is adoption related behaviour, what is his disabilities, what is trauma from my ex and what is just normal so I do tend to overthink!

If he is of the type to focus on negatives, then instead of asking if he had a nice day, ask what he enjoyed & say also what you liked.

We always also said things like 'it is so nice we can do X because you behave nicely when we go out' to reinforce behaviour.

Fellow adopter. That is sadly a lot of loss. I hope you / he are getting any support you need.

My son is 4 and he tends to always bring up the 'worst thing' that happened when we reflect back on the day together as part of bedtime routine. I think it's just that he's trying to process that bit because it was challenging. then with support he's able to remember the better bits so we always end on a positive.

I don't know if you're spoiling him tbh. it sounds like you're providing him with a really fun childhood. Sorry it's been a bit turbulent for you both.

Same.Mine can be a bit like this.

I just give less treats. So if they are getting an outing I’ll probably take lunch and snacks along instead of buying lunch and treats. Makes no difference to their behaviour but makes me less annoyed if they are ungrateful!

I know what you mean by overthinking. I have spent 16 years doing that!

Same here and if there wasn’t a worse thing mine will sometimes invent something (when the donkey trod on my foot) 😆 I agree with modeling enthusiasm and asking more specifically ‘what was your favourite thing today?’ Also agree with reduction of treats / rides - a little bit of ‘no’ is fine.

I think that whilst you had had a very nice day it was also extremely busy and my DD would struggle with being 'happy' after that, she'd need time to decompress and then would be happy to chat about what she enjoyed but straight afterwards would probably also single out the one thing that had disappointed her as it was at the forefront of her mind.

I agree this is pretty normal OP. Next time ask "what was your favourite thing today?" or "did you like x, y or z best?" to encourage him to focus on the positives.

I think it's normal behaviour for that age. Sometimes children just focus on the things that didn't go well rather than what did. Maybe you just need to remind him of the things that have gone well.
I don't think you are spoiling him. It sounds as though you are trying to give him a good life afer his very difficult start

Thanks all - I do normally ask what his best part was of the day was to focus on the positive, usually telling him what my favourite part was etc but even then he has started saying “nothing because XYZ didn’t go my way”. Reassuring to hear it’s normal. Just feel like I’m losing my happy little man at the moment as he’s really struggling!

I have adhd kids and they tend to focus on the negatives as they get older. I brush them off, so he says about the rocks then just say we'll that's OK there's always next time for a video climbing the rocks

I don't think you can 'spoil' him with nice, normal, family friendly experiences. I imagine its just what he needs! But I wouldn't expect constructive, balanced feedback from any 6 year old - he's just a wee bairn! Keep being consistent and you'll be fine, vent on here/to friends if you need to let off steam yourself. You can't pour from an empty cup.

I think they go through phases. My 5yo is going through a phase of demanding everything they like in every shop we go into. And not asking nicely for things. I deal with it by being firm but also by mirroring the behaviour back to them - "I want, I want, I want, get me this!" - which makes them laugh but also slightly embarrassed.

I'm not trying to minimise what your DC has been through at all - it sounds like a lot of upheaval and is bound to have an effect. But there are lots of children without his challenges who behave equally badly at times, if not worse. So I wouldn't say it's necessary to come over all heavy-handed with him. Just keep doing a fantastic job of giving him a great childhood and model being appreciative yourself... he will learn from your example. And when he is helpful or thoughtful towards you or others, lavish him with praise for it.

The most helpful piece of advice somebody gave me as a parent of a neurodivergent traumatised child, was that the cause of the behaviour didn't matter. It didn't matter which condition or experience caused it, what mattered was my response. Keeping yourself, your child and anyone else around you safe, whilst helping your child feel secure and loved and teaching them the skills to be safe and loving, is not an easy job. But it helps to know which part is your part, it was very easy for me to get so caught up in finding answers to the behaviour, I forgot to work on my relationship with my child. I had started to see them as a combination of traumas and disorders, and lost sight of the child underneath.
First you need to be safe, do whatever you can to avoid any harm coming to anyone (including you!) then move on to connection. Throw traditional ideas about discipline and punishments out the window, keep central to every response that everyone needs to be safe and your child needs to know they are loved.

Honestly, @Sunshinebuttercupsrainbows, you sound like a phenomenal mum doing a great job in a hard situation. Your son doesn’t sound spoiled, actually very normal for 6.

My 8 year old is so like this. He is old enough to understand how ungrateful it is and usually apologises. When he was younger it drove me mad. We once took him on an amazing holiday with theme parks, rides, beach etc etc. He said his favourite part of the holiday was looking at a hole in a wall we walked past 😀 I took that as a win as he hadn't moaned at least!

Sounds like my Son who has ASD 😅 one thing can ruin his day, although a few hours/day later he'll be saying "it was the best day ever!"

We went to a fair, had a picnic, went on a boat ride then had donuts and a slush before we headed home...he got 'brain freeze' from the slush which apparently meant it was the worst day ever!

I find he tends to say these things when it's been a long day/he's tired.

I’m wouldn’t say I’m a great mum, we went to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory musical last night so when today he was saying “but I WANTED a video on the rocks” I may have compared him to Veruca Salt 😬 he was most offended!

YES. All of this. You're a breath of fresh air!

I have a 6 Yr old who is exactly the same. We have been going hard with the learning to be grateful stuff in recent months.