To ask for advice on how to unspoil my child?

[Sunshinebuttercupsrainbows]

Name changed as the context here is very outing.

My DS is 6 and has had a difficult hand dealt to him. He was removed from his birth mum at birth, I adopted him with my exhusband when he was 1. We split when he was 3 and my ex was having contact until last year - he was unable to cope with DS and was getting aggressive and physical. The last time he had contact, my ex assaulted my son. Police and social services were already involved due to previous incidents. He decided then that he didn’t want contact with DS anymore (fine by me and I was hating contact by this point and only going through with it because SS were offering support). So he lost his dad and also his older brother (my exes son) and he hasn’t seen either of them for over a year.

He has special needs - ASD, ADHD, speech disorder and FASD. Attend a special school that he gets a taxi too, which is an hour each way.

So because of all of the above, I have overcompensated when it comes to trying to give my son the best life ever. He wants for very little. We do lots of lovely things, low key and not things that he finds overwhelming. Beach trips, weekends away, theme parks, farms. We live with my DP who dotes on DS, and who DS loves so much.

We have always worried that maybe we are spoiling him but DS has always been so happy and grateful for what he called “the best life ever”.

Lately though things have changed. He’s struggling a bit in general with his emotions but also his attitude and today it has just really upset me. Lovely day at the beach where he went in the fun fair on all the rides, had an ice cream, McDonald’s lunch, went in the sea, arcades, a donut… on the way home I asked him if he had a nice day and he said “no because you didn’t get a video of my climbing on the rocks”.

FFS. I don’t know if it’s to do with his disabilities (focusing on the one thing that didn’t go how he wanted rather than all the good) or whether he’s just so used to having everything he wants? This is just one example but there have been a fair few over the past few weeks.

Despite his disabilities he is very cognitively advanced so very clever and capable. Is this normal behaviour for his age? How the heck do I get him to appreciate what he has?

They won’t be grateful, because it’s just normal to them. It’s just the way it is.

I think this is normal especially for ASD. From experience, ‘ruder’ comments will be coming, so it’s good to practice not getting too wound up - which I’ve had to try very hard at!

I wouldn’t ask things like ‘have you had a nice day?’-maybe say things like, “I’ve had a lovely day-I enjoyed x and y’, then give him space to volunteer his thoughts without putting him on the spot.
Sounds like you’re giving him a lovely life, but it’s very focused on him (easy to do with 1 child)-make sure you also eat/drink/do an activity that you like so it’s not so unbalanced-for example, I love Disney films so sometimes we would go to the cinema and it didn’t matter quite so much if DS said it wasn’t his favourite, because I had enjoyed it-then next time it might be (eg) Spy Kids which he had chosen.

Very normal (and irritating) reaction from my 7 year old. Don't worry about this. Bless you and your dc.

You sound like you are doing a fantastic job of making him feel loved, safe and able to enjoy life. The fact that he can express what he was unhappy with is a triumph, particularly with everything he's been through.

My advice if I can give any would be to acknowledge what he says and give him a way deal with it in future. For example in this case I would say 'yes, that is a shame, isn't it, you were doing so well and it would have been nice to have a video of it. Maybe next time we come you can do it again and we can video it? Make sure you remind me so we don't forget.' That way you are acknowledging his disappointment and giving him something he can do to avoid it happening again, which empowers him.

But again, I'm in awe of how well you have done with him. He sounds like a totally normal little boy, which is an achievement given what he's been through.

Try to not give him things when he asks for them on days out..prep before you leave..so we are going to the beach but we arent going to buy any treats when we are there as I am saving up our money for xyz later this month. It teaches delayed gratification which is a very important skill to instill early in life

Ask him what he enjoyed about the day and then follow up with a who should you thank for making that possible. You will probably have to scaffold this skill. Well we should thank DP for driving us to the beach and Mum for packing your swim shorts and you should thank yourself for being quick about getting changed so that you could jump in the waves.

Ask him what didnt go so well about the day/activity and then follow up with a what could HE have done differently so that he would have enjoyed it more. This role models owning problems for himself and taking charge of his emotional response.

Then do the same exercise yourself and see if DP will do it too. You might want to start with DP and yourself to show him how its done.

The poor kid has had a very poor start and experienced difficulties with your ex, so just give him all the love and attention you are. There is no such thing as spoiling. You are making memories. 6 year olds can be a bit thoughtless

*mine doesn't have any trauma or adhd btw. Just a regular 7 year old.
Tbf, adults are often like this too! You can ask him in a different way "what did you enjoy the most today?"

My autistic 8yo is v similar. Always fixated on the negative. We don't run through the day anymore at bedtime, it always turned into a focus on the negative.
You might find that by the next day or a couple of days later he has a more balanced view of the day.
The spoiling thing is difficult. I think for me I struggle with my kids being ungrateful when they're getting so much more than I did - not just stuff, but our time and care and love. But then I also think sometimes that actually, that's just their normal, and maybe it's a good thing that they expect everything to be lovely. As they get older we'll talk more and more about how not everybody is as lucky as them, and we teach them kindness and demonstrate a good work ethic and we talk about how grateful we feel to have all that we do. And hope that in the end, that adds up to a happy, kind adult. Because making things less nice for them just because we struggle with the ingratitude doesn't seem like a great solution.

The fact that he can express what he was unhappy with is a triumph, particularly with everything he's been through.

I must admit that even though I don’t like that he’s mad at me for something every single bloody day at the moment, I am very proud of his ability to articulate what I have done to make him mad!

😂. You are only human.

This is one of the best bit of advice I have ever read on MN. Spot on @Desiree88.

As folks have said, don't expect reciprocal emotional exchanges - he has autism and will experience things differently to you. That's OK - please don't punish or admonish him for saying it like he sees it. He needs to remain confident that you'll love him unconditionallly. You'll desperately need that honesty and an open line of communication when he gets older and is navigating the world more independently. It will get tougher and blunter as he gets older - that's OK too. Let it wash over you, and as you say focus on the positive. He's just going to be on a slightly different wave length in term of social communications - he is not going to absorb all the little social conventions in the same way as an NT child.

If you think you are going over the top, dial it back a bit. Don't make it about him and graditude.

Would recommend posting on the various SEN boards - there are some very wise parents there. You can get some appalling comments about disabled kids kids with additional needs on AIBU.

You sound like an absolutely amazing person and a fabulous mum. Not everyone could parent a child like that full stop

You sound like a lovely parent. He would probably benefit from hearing ‘no ‘ occasionally. It’s not good for any child to always get everything they want.

I should add that he doesn’t get everything that he wants all the time - he still doesn’t have the Nintendo switch he has been pining for for years, and I’ve yet to buy him a roblox gift card despite the persistent begging 😂

I don’t think he sounds spoilt. It sounds likely the overly direct response of an ND six year old, who probably isn’t thinking about your feelings but just answering what’s in his head at the time.

Im sure he had fun really!

Agree with this advice

Well done first of all for adopting and loving this little man and unfortunately he has been thru the mill in such a short little life bless him. Do not worry he is 6 nothing personal to you its what boys and girls do. Keep up the good work mum

Also really agree with this.

I think you're doing a great job with him.

Look up 'emotion coaching.' When a child expressed feelings inappropriately, connect before correct.

Also, ASD children are brutally honest . They can also struggle with middle ground or grey areas as I'm sure you're aware. You could support him to understand questions like that with a visual, eg a table with bits I liked about today and bits I didn't like that you fill in as he speaks. This would hopefully get him to see that there were lots of nice things too. If, in his opinion, one bad thing means it's not a nice day that's ok to feel like that, but you can gently explain the social rules about not expressing this to the people who have been treating you.

Fellow adopter here, who also struggles to unpick which parts of my child's behaviour are typical for their age and which parts are due to trauma. Like you OP, I also worry about overcompensating by giving my little one lots of lovely experiences but sometimes wonder if they are being 'spoiled'!

One thing we do each day is talk about something we are thankful for or that we have enjoyed. We do it at the end of the day so it's quite removed from the moment. It's become part of our routine and it can be quite interesting to see what our LO picks as their favourite moment of the day.

Also wanted to say that there is lots of lovely advice on this thread. @Desiree88I've bookmarked that response because it really resonated with me!

Could it be because he was tired and/or hungry when you asked him? My DC (not adopted) are grumpy little so-and-so's when they are tired and/or hungry. As am I to be fair.

I think mine have both said stuff like this at some point. I think also as parents when we've made a lot of effort we expect them to see it in the same way we do, but children often see things quite differently. Could you perhaps be led by him a bit more ( so more time filming him on the rocks fit example?) Rather than filling the day full of objectively nice experiences?
Overall though, it doesn't sound too awful for a 6 year old!

I think that is a adhd thing- mine does it and it seems to come from a mixture of hyper focus on the thing that made him feel negative, which then kicks off the rejection sensitivity dysphoria (ie, I feel rejected because I wanted a video on the rocks and you forgot/said no/hadn’t charged your phone… it was important to me but you made me feel it didn’t matter to you).