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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my DP should be able to keep in contact whilst he’s away

30 replies

AMuser · 03/06/2023 18:40

So … I can of know IABU but …

DP and I both late 40s. Together 2 years. Don’t live together. On a normal day we WhatsApp a few times before work then have 1-3 calls.

Any time I am out with friends it away on work / friend trips I call him. Send a couple of Whatsapps. To me it’s important. I am not on my phone with friends (hate that) but can always find 5 mins to message / step outside and call.

We were working together til about 1 in the afternoon yesterday (we don’t normally work together it was a one off). He was heading off to his family home later that day & then heading off on a hobby trip with his brother. He said he would call me that eve. He didn’t call. I got a WhatsApp to say goodnight at about 11. And not heard a thing since.

I know it’s immature but given how much contact we have normally I find it really a bit hurtful he doesn’t seem to think about me when he’s doing something else. He’s done this before.

he’s not been on his phone tho. A message I sent this am at 8 to say I hoped he’d have a lovely time with his brother is unread.

OP posts:
TheNewSchmoo · 03/06/2023 18:41

Late 40s?

MichelleScarn · 03/06/2023 18:44

Maybe he's busy having a lovely time with his brother?

Original poster
AMuser · 03/06/2023 18:45

MichelleScarn · 03/06/2023 18:44

Maybe he's busy having a lovely time with his brother?

Yes I know he is. I’m a dick aren’t I?

but I can have a lovely time with my sister and still send him the odd message

OP posts:
continentallentil · 03/06/2023 18:45

The level of contact you describe would drive me insane. I’ve been with my partner about 14 years and we both work away a lot. When we are apart one of us texts the other most days, but not always. If I’m on a full on work trip I might not text for a few days. I’d call only if I was away 3 days plus and/or had something to say.

I don’t think it was much different at the start. I think you do need to communicate most days but not endlessly. You have to be present where you actually are.

Obviously we’re all different and it sounds like you two have to find a compromise, but there is no reason he should be thinking of you when on a fishing trip with his brother.

Original poster
AMuser · 03/06/2023 18:46

TheNewSchmoo · 03/06/2023 18:41

Late 40s?

It was a typo. I meant 15. We are both 15 😫

OP posts:
rwalker · 03/06/2023 18:46

It’s a personal thing but in 23 years working away /sep hols it’s a call text when you arrive and one when you’re coming home nothing in between

Justmuddlingalong · 03/06/2023 18:47

You being in contact with him is important to you, even if you're doing something.
It obviously isn't as important for him to contact you when he's busy.
That doesn't make either of you right or wrong, just different.

Original poster
AMuser · 03/06/2023 18:48

Justmuddlingalong · 03/06/2023 18:47

You being in contact with him is important to you, even if you're doing something.
It obviously isn't as important for him to contact you when he's busy.
That doesn't make either of you right or wrong, just different.

Thank you. That’s a really helpful way to look at it 😀

OP posts:
GoodChat · 03/06/2023 18:52

The contact is a lot but it works for you.

The problem is he said he'd call then didn't, and didn't apologise for not calling - no explanation etc. Not that he owes an explanation, but it's just good manners, jsnt it?

AlwaysPlayingYellowCar · 03/06/2023 18:53

You want to have phone calls with your partner while on a night out with friends? Why?!

Clymene · 03/06/2023 18:54

Oh god I would find this smothering. He's doing something else.

Original poster
AMuser · 03/06/2023 19:02

AlwaysPlayingYellowCar · 03/06/2023 18:53

You want to have phone calls with your partner while on a night out with friends? Why?!

God no. I don’t want phone calls whilst he’s on a night out. I wouldn’t call him on a night out. But I’d probably message once or twice.

(I was just giving context of how often we are in contact on a normal day when we are not together as we live apart. He is much more phone call driven than me - I’m more of a messager).

in this case I wouldn’t expect or want him to be on his phone during the day when he’s out doing his hobby with his brother.

But given he didn’t call last night from his parents house (which he would normally) I’d have thought he might message early this morning to say “setting off speak to you this eve. Sorry I couldn’t call last night” or similar.

OP posts:
VisionsOfSplendour · 03/06/2023 19:03

AlwaysPlayingYellowCar · 03/06/2023 18:53

You want to have phone calls with your partner while on a night out with friends? Why?!

That does sound a little ott what sort of thing would you be talking about ?

Original poster
AMuser · 03/06/2023 19:10

VisionsOfSplendour · 03/06/2023 19:03

That does sound a little ott what sort of thing would you be talking about ?

Show quote history

I didn’t say that at all 😀

OP posts:
BranchGold · 03/06/2023 19:13

Op, you did say you would step outside of a social event for a 5 minute call.

Clymene · 03/06/2023 19:14

I don't know what his 'hobby trip' is but is it possible they're somewhere with limited coverage?

Also, he texted you last night. He's not out of contact, he's letting you know he's thinking of you but unless you have children or other caring responsibilities, I can't think why you need regular voice check ins.

Hbh17 · 03/06/2023 19:15

He's on holiday! Let the poor guy have a break. Oh for the days when we could be completely out of contact when we went away! Then you could have the fun of catching up once home again - it worked. Or perhaps he doesn't want his brother to know that he is in a smothering relationship?

LindorDoubleChoc · 03/06/2023 19:16

"I know it’s immature" - you said it.

JudgeRudy · 03/06/2023 19:19

Gosh, that level of calls and messaging seems an awful lot to me. Are you sure ghis is something he's happy with?
I think given its your norm l can see you might be a little disappointed however he's out with others. It does seem a bit needy to expect him to be thinking of you all the time. You've said yourself you think you're being immature. I'm surprised you expect those and I'm surprised you're hurt. This is abnormal.

BranchGold · 03/06/2023 19:22

I do also think that that period of around 18 months to 2.5 years into a relationship is when things settle in somewhat, and you also start to question what you want going forwards.
It’s not sustainable living in the honeymoon just fallen in love bubble, so general annoyances and differences are amplified quite a lot.

Aprilx · 03/06/2023 19:25

I have always thought I like a lot of contact with my past boyfriends and now husband. But my god a telephone call three times a day? I would find that smothering. I recently went on holiday by myself and my husband wanted to have a FaceTime call every day, I thought it was too much, although in the end I found it ok, but honestly three phone calls a day? What in earth would you talk about? And he is not your partner either, you are not sharing your lives, he is your boyfriend.

Whattodo112222 · 03/06/2023 19:29

I think you're being far too needy.. I sometimes go up to 8 or 9 hours without speaking to the guy I'm seeing. He's busy and so am I..
Your partner is on a hobby trip with a family member.. not some jolly with the lads.

He should have perhaps apologised for not calling when he said he would but honestly, give him a break.

MayThe4th · 03/06/2023 19:29

AMuser · 03/06/2023 18:46

It was a typo. I meant 15. We are both 15 😫

Show quote history

Eh? In your OP you said that you’re late 40’s and now you’re saying you’re 15? Wtf?

Whattodo112222 · 03/06/2023 19:29

What more is there to say after 1 phone call a day also.. 3 calls is v excessive.

Whatkindofuckeryisthis · 03/06/2023 19:34

MayThe4th · 03/06/2023 19:29

Eh? In your OP you said that you’re late 40’s and now you’re saying you’re 15? Wtf?

Show quote history

She’s clearly joking as she feels a bit silly feeling this way at 40! However I am the same… my DH and I together 15 years if away would text a few times in the day and call at least once. It’s the fact he usually does that she’s clearly upset about and so would I be!