To think my marriage is ending?

[Icecreamsundaee]

Hi, please be kind to me. Im not in a very good mental state (anxiety/panic attacks). Dont know where to post about marriage plus i kmow there is a lot of traffic here.

Just to give context, Its my 11 year anniversary in 2 days. We have 2 lovely little boys that we both love (we want more bit we can never be able to be on good terms for long enough to try for a third). DH does anything for our kids (private schooling for ds with language disorder, moving us abroad for a better life etc.)

The problem lies with our relationship, there are no major issues, infedelity, addiction, money problems, control issues, domestic violence or abuse. Nothing that you could imagine put a strain on ohr marriage in that sense.

But DS travels alot for business and i used to go with him sometimes, but ive started work to keep myself busy (helps with my anxiety) not sure if id even be invited anyways.

Dh doesn't prioritise spending time with me anymore and is always busy, he doesnt even like to go out much when he is home for work but will do anything but spend time with me. No spontaneous trips, no gifts no affection. When i confront him he says im rude to him and i tell him its because he doesnt show me any love. Im upset all the time.

I now cope by not speaking to him at all, he left for a week long work trip and i didnt even say goodbye. I also didnt message him while he was away except regarding the boys (pics and vidoes of kids etc). At this point we ade co parenting and it makes me angry i often lose my cool and say "why dont we get divorced as this clearly isnt f***g working!!!", he just tells me to leave him be and that gets me even more worked up.

I dont have any suspicions hes cheating on me, though we haave been marroed for 11 years im 29 as we were childhood sweethearts we got marriage very young, hes 31. Im not boring and keep my appearance up, im not sure where this disinterest in me stems from, please help.

P. S i do love him i just really dont like him right now and i havent for a while now. I somehow believe he loves me... Not that he shows it 😒

So no matter what you do... crying, silent treatment, no affection, lots of affection, arranging dates, trying to make it work...... he just isn't interested. What more can you do?

It sounds like you are trying to breathe life into something that is long dead, but he isnt doing you the courtesy of letting you know it is dead.

I guess you ask go to couples counselling and if he refuses then you have your answer for sure. This sucks. I'm sorry

@SleeplessinScarbourough i understand, im a teacher so i am going on summer break soon. The kids i teach brightrn up my day and though its a demanding job it gives me purpose.

Ive been living in this country for 6 months, i dint have any friends and i keep it very professional with my colleagues as i think this is best.

Im very isolated, my mum has stayed with me for 3 consecutive minths to help me settle and when sshe returned my sister wanted to visit and she will be staying for the summer. Im excited but dreading what life would be when i have no distractions. As my marriage is also a very lonely place.

Ill see how i feel about working, but i dont think stopping will help me.

No one is coming across as abusive! We are human beings, we have negative emotions. We cry, we get angry, we sometimes don't feel like hugging or having sex. These things are especially prevelant when trying to navigate the end of a relationship. Although these actions can be part of an abusers reportoire, they do not automatically equal abuse.

I can only guess you are projecting from your own experience so are extra sensitive to this topic. It is particularly cruel to see someone who is clearly struggling and try and portray them as an aggressor after reading a few lines about their whole entire relationship.

@Sunnyfeelgood thank you for your honesty and though provoking comments. Your quite right, i may try counseling, i dont know if he will be open to it ive never asked. But we are bith private people and dont tell family or friends about anything we are going through.

Talking about it may help whether we get divorced or not. I want a healthy co parenting relationship regardless. Hes a good man so i think if thats the case we will be able to do so.

Well said @Sunnyfeelgood!!

It sounds like this may be salvageable, you're not on the same page at present.

@Freefall212 I don’t think it is ok for anyone to abuse anyone in a relationship. I advised OP to stop lashing out and to find a way of communicating. She is admitting that she hasn’t behaved brilliantly, but being cold and refusing to engage is also pretty shit.

But there is context and possibly the marriage can be fixed if they both want it to and they find a way of communicating. (Someone on this thread went through something similar themselves and it has got better for them)

You haven’t exactly exemplified understanding communication styles yourself on this post.

It sounds like he is perfectly happy with a co parenting, with sex thrown in, kind of relationship - but you want a deeper connection, more conversation, and romance (for want of a better word). Basically he doesn’t see anything wrong with the relationship the way it is and that’s why he won’t change. But it’s not enough for you.

Neither of you is right or wrong exactly, you just want different types of relationship.

I am not sure what to suggest as I’m in a similar position myself. Without quite so much dramatic behaviour, but similar underlying issues.

I can tell you one thing which is that all the dramatic behaviour isn’t helping your cause. Ultimately even if you do manage to berate him into making more effort, it won’t be because he wanted to, but because you had nagged him to. So it still won’t satisfy you. And he’ll stop after a while as underneath it’s not really his style. And there is a big risk that all the drama and berating will make him retreat further.

‘Hé left for a week long work trip and i didnt even say goodbye. I also didn’t message him ‘……

has he come back ? Why?

I feel quite sorry for this bloke. You have revealed that you have had your mother staying with you for months, now your sister is coming, but you are still demanding attention and tbh unreasonable understanding from your husband as well.

Frankly, you sound a bit spoilt. Were you the centre of attention in your family, maybe the pampered by everyone youngest child? Because you sound as if you expect your DH to behave like a forbearing father or older brother, not an equal partner.

Letting him go off for a week working without saying goodbye, and then not messaging. That is childish, it’s like a school kid saying ‘ you’re not my best friend anymore, I don’t want to speak (play) with you’. Even if you think he was ‘in the wrong’ that is not how to mend your relationship.

I expect you think this is horrid of me, but sometimes we have to look in the mirror and think ‘ I could do better’ . If you want someone to love you, you have to try to be loveable, and you have to give them some love ( even when you think they don’t deserve it, and you are grumpy inside).

Totally agree with @Sunnyfeelgood there. @ShimmeringShirts give over. You've told the op repeatedly she's abusive. I hope that's made you feel better now you can leave her alone I think.

You do not sound like an abuser to me op. Consistently lashing out, giving silent treatment etc over a sustained period could be part of a pattern of abuse. But that does not sound like you.

Anyway, I would try talking to your DH calmly and suggest marriage counselling. It does sound like a communication problem. But it may just be something you might think about ending in the future

I cant see if anyone has mentioned this yet @Icecreamsundaee . But if you live outside the Uk you need URGENT legal advice about your rights if you and your husband were to split up. Especially around the residence of your children, restrictions around your right to return to the UK with the children and any visa rules on your right to work where you live now.

@Allthegoodnamesarechosen i dont think that message is "horrid of you" however i do think your jumping to conclusions.

My mother staying for 3 months hasnt had any relevance in our marital issues. Dh has a very good relationship with my mum and he was very grateful she was able to come as she had helped so much. As i mentioned our son cannot speak fluently just yet and we dont trust him woth jist aanyome and finding a good school for him took months. As did sorting out my sons visas etc in order for them to start school. And our house isnt like the homes in the uk, its more than big enough to where everyone gets their own privacy. One of the things i love aboit dh is his closness and love with my family. Im also very close to his as weve been together for so long i see them as my own.

Im also not the youngest in my family, im actually the oldest. I come from a family where we are always there for each other when we need to be and for that im lucky.

" If you want someone to love you, you have to try to be loveable, and you have to give them some love ( even when you think they don’t deserve it, and you are grumpy inside)."

This is easier said than done, but for your information i have tried.

@minipie you might be right. But if thats the case thats nit fair on me because thats not what i think marriage is. He was my best friend and i enjoyed just being in the same room as him.

If its just co parenting and sex he wants, thats ludacris. Theres alot more to a marriage than thaat, which im sure u know as u said your going through something similar.

"my dramatic behaviour" stems from the shift in our relationship as its nit allways been like this. Quite the opposite on both ends, i suppose im hurt. Even so i tell u that im tired of it all i do is go into myself and it eats away at me om the inside.

I agree it’s not fair. But I’m not sure what you can do about it, if he isn’t that way inclined then he isn’t.

However, you say he hasn’t always been like this. So perhaps I’m wrong and this isn’t just his kind of relationship. When did things change?

Can you try writing him a letter to read at his leisure? Telling him you love him and want to make it work but your not sure how to start as you have both been distant for a while. Plant the seed of therapy. It make make all the difference.

This 👆

You need to look at your behaviour and how you respond - I am not saying he doesn’t have issues but it does not feel like you are particularly easy to live with either!