To think my marriage is ending?

[Icecreamsundaee]

Hi, please be kind to me. Im not in a very good mental state (anxiety/panic attacks). Dont know where to post about marriage plus i kmow there is a lot of traffic here.

Just to give context, Its my 11 year anniversary in 2 days. We have 2 lovely little boys that we both love (we want more bit we can never be able to be on good terms for long enough to try for a third). DH does anything for our kids (private schooling for ds with language disorder, moving us abroad for a better life etc.)

The problem lies with our relationship, there are no major issues, infedelity, addiction, money problems, control issues, domestic violence or abuse. Nothing that you could imagine put a strain on ohr marriage in that sense.

But DS travels alot for business and i used to go with him sometimes, but ive started work to keep myself busy (helps with my anxiety) not sure if id even be invited anyways.

Dh doesn't prioritise spending time with me anymore and is always busy, he doesnt even like to go out much when he is home for work but will do anything but spend time with me. No spontaneous trips, no gifts no affection. When i confront him he says im rude to him and i tell him its because he doesnt show me any love. Im upset all the time.

I now cope by not speaking to him at all, he left for a week long work trip and i didnt even say goodbye. I also didnt message him while he was away except regarding the boys (pics and vidoes of kids etc). At this point we ade co parenting and it makes me angry i often lose my cool and say "why dont we get divorced as this clearly isnt f***g working!!!", he just tells me to leave him be and that gets me even more worked up.

I dont have any suspicions hes cheating on me, though we haave been marroed for 11 years im 29 as we were childhood sweethearts we got marriage very young, hes 31. Im not boring and keep my appearance up, im not sure where this disinterest in me stems from, please help.

P. S i do love him i just really dont like him right now and i havent for a while now. I somehow believe he loves me... Not that he shows it 😒

But how did it end in you crying? It sounded like a done deal, why would it then not happen?

@Freefall212 i do not abuse my husband, i never said i name call and habe always respected his wishes when he no longer wants to speak to me anymore.

Like i said im not on here to paint myself as an angel and act like i do nothing especially my husband's nit here to say his side of the story. I want honest advice and afterall your a stranger so i can be brutally honest (thats what mumsnet it for right?).

I said ive raised my voice before if u must know its been from crying and ive not threatened him with divorce ive just said "why dont we get f'in divorced then" because quite frankly i was at my wits end.

Thank you for your advise, ill take it into consideration, dont appreciate you throwing the word abuse around as it can be triggering to many and its not anything that happens in my household.

If you have nothing more to add kindly leave the thread.

You having answered how it went from going for breakfast to you refusing and crying in 15mins

Love isn't shown by spontaneous trips and suprise gifts. Surely sitting together watching a TV programme or having a chat over coffee.

You’re not just painting yourself as no angel, you’re painting yourself as abusive. If he was on here saying that you were treating him this way I’d be advising him to leave the bitch. No counsellor will work with you for mediation or otherwise until you can face up to your behaviour being abusive.

Silent treatment is abuse, withholding affection is abuse, sudden severe mood swings causing others to walk on eggshells is abuse.

You sound like a bit of a nightmare OP. Sorry.

You ask is my marriage ending?

no it isn't

Because your marriage has already ended.

You were highschool sweethearts that entered a relationship that has now long run dry.

The only thing holding you two together is your kids. And the fact that he provides money....

And you say you think he isn't cheating because of your "intuition ". Shouldn't your so called intuition have told you that you no longer have a marriage but a stale roommate agreement?

You BOTH have checked out of this marriage. The marriage now only exists of the ruins of what once was

Seeking marriage counseling now would be like trying to brushing your teeth whilst eating oreos.

For both your sakes. But MOSTLY for your kids sakes : get a divorce.

And do seek counselling... but for yourself. To treat your rage and anxiety....

@sandyhappypeople if i remember correctly it was something along the lines of him being very agitated (i dont know if this had anything to do woth the car) but he didnt speak to me at all through out the drive and then he said he didnt want to go to the breakfast place, he rathher go somewhere nnearby most likely a fast food place.

To which i responded that wasnt the point the point was for us to have a nice breakfast somewhere different and take our time together (he was also rushing).

Cant remember his response but it was probably like "oh here we go again why are u always like this"

I bursted into tears and felt like shit, i didnt wamt to be there if he wasmt interested. Thats my main issue with him to begin with, and the fact i initiated it was killing me. I dont mean ti be so sensitive im just a wreck lately

@SparklyBlackKitten i do love him, i wouldnt be so desperate for his affection if i didnt.

@ShimmeringShirts HE gives silemt treatment, HE witholds affection, yes i need to work on myself but abusive is a stretch.

The list of behaviours you have described that you do is abuse. That is the reality OP. And if you posted that list and said that was how your husband was treating you, there would be zero hesitation in a long list of posters also calling it abuse.

Additionally, how he is reacting by withdrawing more and disconnecting is actually the advice that would be given to you along with leaving him if you posted that he was acting the way you are. You would be told to disconnect and only talk to him about the essentials.

Until you can see your role and that it is abusive, you won't be able to change the dynamic. The more he withdraws and disconnects, the more you emotionally abuse him and the more he withdraws and disconnects. You both probably have different versions of exactly how this dynamic got started but where you are now - based on your own words is that you are abusive and he withdraws and you feel hurt and feel that justifies more abuse which leads to him disconnecting more. I don't see how you think that anything you are doing will in any way lead him to want to reconnect or show you love. You can't mistreat people into being who you have decided they need to be.

If you actually want to resolve this, you have to be the one to change. When you went for breakfast, why didn't you just enjoy that time together and keep it light and try to reconnect? That is what would have helped. But you went at him again. He withdraws more.

@changeyerheadworzel i know, i haven't always been this way. I hate feeling like this

From everything you are saying.... can I ask why you think he still loves you? I don't mean to be harsh. But it sounds like every time you try to connect, he pushes you away. What is it that he is doing that is giving you hope?

Also, ignore the people crying 'abuse'. Yes your behaviour isn't ideal, but neither is his and we all have a breaking point where we behave less than perfectly. Counsellors work with exactly this type of poor communication and lack or affection. PP indicating you need to be 'communicating well and affectionate' is laughable, that would eradicate the need for a counsellor

It sounds like your communication is completely broken down and he might have checked out of your marriage.

If he is willing to still work on your relationship you could try a couple counseling.

You mentioned anxiety / panic attacks - whether he is willing to go through couple counseling or not, I would still suggest you see someone for your own sake too.

@Sunnyfeelgood thats a very good question, to be honest i think its because hes still there for me if anything happens, as am i with. Weve had some thing happen, i was in a car accident last month i wasnt hurt too bad but i was lucky and he was there for me every step of the way (despite our issues), weve both had deaths in our family that we were close with. I mentioned before my son has a language disorder and theres plenty of ups and downs and hes there for those bad times. I guess that makes me think theres still hope?

@Freefall212 thanks for your more insightful post, believe it or not i have tried and i ended up resenting him more.

I given him all the love languages to channge the dynamic and he was happy i think he had no complaints. But why do i have to intiate everything? Like other posters are asking me does he actually love me anymore? Im not sure and im only human that bloody hurts me.

"When you went for breakfast, why didn't you just enjoy that time together and keep it light and try to reconnect? That is what would have helped. But you went at him again. He withdraws more."

This is easier said then done

To which i responded that wasnt the point the point was for us to have a nice breakfast somewhere different and take our time together (he was also rushing).

But that obviously wasn’t what he wanted or had time for? A quick breakfast somewhere on the way to do something was obviously what he had in mind, but you got your hopes up and had a different expectation entirely.. not really a fault on either side, just a communication issue mostly.

My take on all this op is that instead of being happy to go out and do something together, you need it to be a certain thing for a certain length of time in which no doubt you will inevitably try to talk about what’s not working in your relationship, instead of just enjoying it for what it is anymore. I mean this kindly but I can see why he’s pulling away from you to be honest, whatever this problem is as soon as he gives an inch you’re trying to take a mile and then you give him the silent treatment when he refuses to engage.

You need to find a way to break this cycle, have you thought about talking to someone by yourself? You may need to try and come at this a different way, as currently you seem to be punishing him for not being happy.

YANBU to feel like your marriage is over. Everything you've said signals sadly that you're right. It sounds like you got together too young and, as often happens in those situations, that flush of young love has run dry and while there is of course still some kind of love and shared experiences, you're not compatible for a lifetime together. That's not because you're not attractive or you're boring or anything you can easily point to, but more complicated, intractable issues that neither of you could fix. It's hard to accept and you'll want to keep the family together for your kids and your security, but it's not making either of you happy and not really giving the DC a happy family home.

All the drama of the recriminations and what people are calling abuse feels to me like you're locked in the kind of drama that characterises a teenage romance, like the age you were when you got together, but things have changed now and you're in this different era when you're both growing apart. In some cases, couples can work really hard and grow back together again but it doesn't sound like either of you are really ready to do that and may find you're both ultimately happier starting over and being co-parents.

@Icecreamsundaee it sounds like he can connect well with you if there is something practical to fix? But when the focus is purely on emotions he retreats?

As other people have picked up, the silent treatment etc is only pushing him away. I wonder if you can change your approach to put less pressure on the pair of you? Instead of having big emotional chats and meaningful one on ones that he clearly gets overwhelmed by... Is there any chance of organising activity based things for you to reconnect over? Just as two people who might get along rather than as two people who are in a doomed marriage?

It is going to mean you have to drop your ego and instead of seeking to feel loved by him, the approach is to make him feel loved. This is really the only way through, as hoping for the best and then being disappointed when it doesn't happen has got you in a right pickle

@Pinkdelight3 i cried reading your message.. I think. Its true.

Op, if you don’t have to work then my first suggestion would be to stop working for 6 months, alongside counselling and CBT for your anxiety and marriage counselling. Work brings its own unconscious stressors and anxieties, I think it’s unwise to use employment as something to fill your time. It was a good start to arrange to eat together while waiting for the car but not following this through may have felt like another rejection to him. Please consider divorce as a last resort as only a very small percentage reconcile romantically afterwards

So sorry, I'm just picking up on what you're saying, and you seem self-aware enough to get that. Crying can be a good thing. Talking it through can too, with your friends IRL and/or a counsellor just for you. There's a lot of your formative period of life to unpack and it will involve a lot of tears but you'll get through it, whatever way your future lies.

Could you perhaps ask him to come to counselling and if he won't go with you, could you go by yourself? If he sees you committing to this, and can see a positive change in you after a few sessions he might be encouraged to come along with you the next time.

@Sunnyfeelgood ive tried but when i make effort it makes me resent him more as ibe been the one to initiage too often. So even of all goes well i dont feel fulfilled as it doesnt get reciprocated.

@sandyhappypeople he knew i wamted to do something nice as i had gine somewhere fancy with co workers the weekend before and i wamted to show him.

(I wouldn't give up work as personally I think keeping a sense of your identity and a network and income independent from the marriage is a good thing at this point, but obviously take time off if you need to help deal with the anxiety. Not working/having employment can be as stressful as working in some ways.)