DS doesn’t take the kids out on his own

[Bigwildorange]

I feel myself growing more and more resentful as time goes on. We have 2 DCs (11+7) and DH has only taken them out twice in almost 12 years on his own. I work one week on and one week off and during the school holidays DCs (if I’m working) don’t leave the house, unless oldest is out with friends. Our youngest is autistic and is challenging however I take him to softplay/on local walks, to the park, picnics and to events with autism societies. I can’t help feeling sad when I see Dads out on bike rides with their kids, at the park or just going for a walk. If we have days off together then we do take them out together. I also don’t drive and struggle on buses taking them out whereas DH can drive and could easily take them somewhere.

I have tried talking to him but he gets defensive and says I’m always making out he’s a “bad father.”

Well he is being a bad father. You are pointing it out. No one likes being called out on their deficiencies.

You are not being unreasonable, but if kids are this old, he is unlikely to change now.

I wonder if he hasn’t had the practice to deal with the challenges that can arise when taking out your younger child so avoids it because staying home is in his comfort zone.

What about your seven year old? Does he actually like to go out or is he happier at home? I have one child who is diagnosed as autistic and another waiting for an assessment, who are a similar age, and one is at their happiest staying home alone all the time. It’s not the right thing to do for my other children so we do go out but it’s a balance.

You are not being unreasonable at all. We have 4 children, one with autism and ADHD, our youngest is a baby and my husband takes all 4 out on his own regularly. Your husband is being a bad father and I’m really sorry, has he said if there’s a reason he won’t take them out alone? Is he anxious? Does he find it difficult?

He's just another selfish father suiting himself.

He's defensive because you are right.

Poor kids.

You clearly are doing your best.

Learning to drive, if you can should be a priority for you, to make life easier for you.

Yes. He is a bad father. He needs to know how to parent as if you died today.

Yes, it would definitely make life easier! 🚗

I would like to say that his refusal to take them out is due to our youngests needs, however he was the same with our oldest and he only ever took him out once on his own. It’s very difficult to speak to him about why he won’t take them out unfortunately.

Is this another case where he thinks having children is your hobby do you think? What's he like at home with them?

YANBU, it sounds hard work and rubbish for you.

Well he is lazy.

I have tried talking to him but he gets defensive and says I’m always making out he’s a “bad father.”
id be responding with, I didnt call you a bad father, i simply stated your actions. Youve obviously recognised that makes you a bad father fir yourself. So what are you going to do about it?

Ex-H never took the dcs out by himself. It was always me alone or the 5 of us together but mostly me alone. He was/is a lazy father, one reason why we split.

Well ask him the question, "Why do you refuse to parent your children outside of the house?"

It wouldn’t be so bad if he was an active father in the house, he’s not. I do all the homework, reading to them or encouraging my oldest to read, gardening with them, baking cakes, playing in the garden or just watching a movie together. While I’m in work, he’s on his phone or playing video games all day. He takes up his place on the couch and doesn’t move. He has once or twice taken my oldest (almost 12)to the cinema but I’ve had to suggest it and organise it. I feel such pressure and that on my days off I have to do as much as possible with them as I know they do nothing when DH is off and I’m working.

My youngest (ASD) loves going out, loves being outside in a park etc. Oldest (almost 12) does have to be dragged out of his room these days or he would spend all day gaming!

I’d be having a chat with him about his constant phone use and gaming , it’s hard enough to get most teens off screens but your husband is setting a very poor example . It’s telling that you referred to the child as ‘my oldest ‘ in your post , it’s as if they are just your children and not both of yours .

Oh, he's just a lazy fucker. Doesn't do any parenting at all. What's the point of him???

Don't let him silence you. Tell him what he could be doing with the dc. Tell him when he's letting them down.

I couldn't be doing staying with someone like that.

Well he sounds lovely doesn’t he

Does he cook? Or shop? Or do anything useful? Does he work?
Sounds like you might be as well off without him, particularly if he won't discuss things with you.

So he's a shit father and a shit husband. I'd be telling him to parent his children or it's time for a divorce.

You've stayed with him too long and he is very obviously a shit father and partner and his comment to you about it means he knows but doesn't care.

My dh takes all 3 of ours out on his own and does the grocery shop, ssiftplay, adventure Park etc. The difference is that he has always been an equal parent and I wouldn't have accepted less.

You've got yourself in a position where you are doing everything so your kids don't miss out. That is great for them, all of their needs are being met but what about yours? Life is for living op and you sound like you are just existing. A partner shares the load, what you have is dead weight. People can put up with different things and hopefully he does have some redeeming qualities, otherwise you are selling yourself short putting up with this.

You should try a sit down conversation to get to the bottom of why he doesn't like to do stuff with the kids and see of you can tackle those issues as a team. If he isn't on board then maybe ots time to make some tough decisions. Best of luck op.

He doesn’t cook, I do all the cooking, if I’m working he will make them food/freezer stuff etc. He does work, he does do long hours and his job is stressful, difficult etc. He works shift work and complains about being too tired on his days off to do anything. He does shop for groceries, baths the kids, gives the medicine when sick etc and settles/looks after youngest overnight when I’m working.

Can you afford holiday club or are there grandparents nearby who might help out? Also I know this means extra work for you but are there any friends you could invite out with you & then yours could go out with them on one of his days?

You might be better off alone. I would learn to drive so you don't have to navigate public transport.

What a total failure he is.

Our oldest does get invited out a lot with his friends or his friends parents will take him out for the day. We could afford a holiday club for DS1 but there’s not many options available for DS2 that would cater to his needs (he needs 2:1 care at best or 1:1) We’ve recently got to the top of the list for respite care for DS2, hoping it’ll all be set up in time for the summer holidays.

i do this with DS1s friends and I’ll take them out then we swap, it’s great and means DS1 has lots of days out.