To want to do my own shopping

[HerefromEden]

Going on holiday to a self catering cottage with DP, kids and parents of DP

The plan was always that we would organise the food shopping between us and I’ve been telling DP we need to go over what we want all week.

He also knows that I am following a strict diet. I have been really miserable and self conscious about my weight since having our last baby (now 14 months) I am still 2st over my usual weight and honestly think it’s making me a bit depressed. After our other children I went back to my usual weight with little effort.

today he announces his parents have organised all the meals & done the shopping.

I say I appreciate they are trying to be helpful but he says I’m being ungrateful and that I can just take my own food and have something else. my Opinion is that this might look upright/difficult/ungrateful.

I don’t want to upset anyone but I haven’t long started out on my weight loss so don’t want to go backwards before I’ve even really got going.

also, it would have been nice for us to cook for them too

I just feel like we should have done what we said we would do originally

am I being a miserable cow?

Tell your husband to wind his neck in. Thank your in laws and say you're determined to stick to your diet so you'll bring some extra things just for you.

I’ve not long started actively trying to lose weight I don’t want to lose momentum

I feel miserable about it so don’t want to make it worse

with my other children I went back to my usual weight without having to think about it and I live a really active lifestyle so it’s all quite new to me

Just take your own food.

IMO it’s ruder to buy all the food for other adults (and presumably expect a financial contribution?) with zero consultation.

Your husband is not the boss of you, and neither are your ILs.

What sort of meals do they cook @HerefromEden

Ok. Then I do think you need to get more assertive with maintaining your diet and worry less of what in laws will think.

I can relate, people are always urging me to eat things that ruin my diet. But like Finallyhere I’m well fed and losing weight at 2 pounds a week on average, I don’t want to ruin that to make other people happy.

You won't lose momentum. Just make sure you keep your portion size sensible, and if you feel like you've over-indulged, just get up early and take yourself for a long walk before breakfast.

Just buy and take your own food. Or have small portions of what they cook plus salad. I can’t really see the difference if you’d planned to eat your own meals anyway

No the OP needs to do what she needs to do, not what you fundamentally agree or disagree with.

Do you know what meals they are likely to be cooking? Might they have bought food with your diet in mind, as well as treats for others? If you are worried I'd just turn up with lots of what ever it is you are eating, ie salad, so you have less of what they are cooking if it's lasagne or something with lots of cream in it and top it up with fresh salad.

Do you actually know what they have planned?
They might have taken your needs into account.

I mean I fundamentally disagree with the notion of ‘strict diets’ for weight loss in part for this reason. It’s not sustainable.
If you want to lose weight and actually be able to maintain it you need to be able to be flexible and make healthy choices on the spot.
It’s entirely possible to eat food someone else had planned and still maintain a lower weight or weight loss. It’s about knowing reasonable portions, understanding where calories come from, how much a sauce is adding, having a lighter lunch to account for a bigger dinner and vice versa.

👏👏👏. Totally agree. Diets don't work long term.

I don't remember OP saying what the diet is, only that it's "strict". And if somebody has a number of stones they want to lose, rather than just a few pounds, particularly if that weight is proving difficult to lose, I think it's understandable to want to adhere to some rules first to help get into the weight loss. On seeing some success, the person might feel more able to look at the long-term of the way they eat, their diet, and make some changes that will be sustainable.

I can't help but feel that those who say "diets don't work" are just... I don't know, hoping that it fails for the person...? Not even talking about online, but in real life, too. In my experience it's usually overweight people who have been in a cycle of losing weight and gaining weight for most of their adult lives or it's holier than thou types who swear by their particular diet or way of eating. Either way, I don't think it's said in a helpful way.

Unless their meals are lard on cheesecake I'm pretty sure you can just adapt to suit your diet? More veg or salad, less of the other bits? I get that it's thrown a spanner in the works for you as you're not in control and I'm guessing you are doing something like slimming world or WW which requires a bit of fore planning but it'll be fine!

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

Also, if we're going to get our feminist hats on re. women always bending to others, keeping the peace and being 'nice' let's talk about toxic diet culture and how unrealistic beauty and body standards have led to this person feeling miserable because she's carrying baby weight.. diet culture and fatphobia are awful and insidious and I think tackling that is more important than anything

Just ring your MIL for a chat, tell her you're trying to lose a bit of baby weight and see what her menu plan is, hopefully at least some of the meals will work for you even if you have to bring salad to have with it.

Same here. I have some stupid disease that affects my guts so can't eat loads of stuff. I'm happy to eat what I can of whatever's on offer but always have back up - just simple things like tinned tomatoes, tinned sweetcorn, eggs.

I think the first response onwards had it - OP, take your own salad / veg, and have that with small portions of whatever's being made for the family. You can take tinned vegetables like green beans, spinach and artichokes if that's easier.

If the DP can't bear the thought of his parents vaguely noticing OP's diet, then maybe he can get some resilience therapy.

Why don't you ask what the food plan is? They will know what meals are planned. Then you can get stuff that will adapt their food. Maybe make sure you can add salad rather than the carb element. You can work round it rather than eating completely different food.

Or maybe she feels miserable because she knows at what size her clothes feel lovely for her, and she knows when she feels comfortable versus a lack of energy and feeling tired etc. Maybe nothing to do with diet culture and fat phobia. OP literally asked for advice on whether it's rude to take her own food, not whether you all agree with dieting and fads and fat shaming. FFS.

Take some salad/fruit/veg and replace the bits of the meals that you don't want to eat.

This just seems like common sense. If the majority aren't eating the special diet, why don't those 5 have one thing and you join in with them if it's appropriate, and eat your own thing if it's not. Not to have to menu plan and shop for 6 people sounds bliss to me. I'd take advantage if someone else doing the thinking for once.
Hope you have a lovely holiday.

Oh good lord. This isn’t hard. You say they are lovely people…great. You were planning to do healthy meals for you… great. They’ve already planned and bought the food…double great.

Call your MIL, tell her that you’ve embarked on a healthy eating campaign which you understand is not everyone’s campaign. You wanted to bring a few extra things for meals…does she mind…(nope because they are lovely people)

Ask her what the meal plan was so that you can compliment what she’s already sorted … you’re having burgers one night, How about I grab some veggies or fish to toss on the grill next to them. Pasta another night… wonderful I’ll bring some olive oil and lemon to toss mine in. Etc…

Could you do intermittent fasting and/or adjust some meals a bit. E.g. if they're doing spag bol bring a courgette to spiralise or have a small portion with a big salad?

Sorry, I'm a bit confused. Initially you say your partner says you can take your own food but you think that looks ungrateful. Then you say your partner is saying you shouldn't take your own food because it might look ungrateful.

I say I appreciate they are trying to be helpful but he says I’m being ungrateful and that I can just take my own food and have something else. my Opinion is that this might look upright/difficult/ungrateful.

As in he thinks it’s making a fuss to bring my own stuff and I should be grateful and eat what they cook

Can you ask what they have chosen? Just inform them that you have started on a new menu plan and hope that what they've chosen fits with your needs.