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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To distance myself from MIL

41 replies

Fatshamed · 03/06/2023 11:05

My MIL has an eating disorder and controls everything she eats and monitors what those around her are eating .

I understand this is a illness, but she has no insight into it and is really rude with it.
She thinks fat people are disgusting and worthless. When my partner and I got together I was a size 8 and she treated me well, but due to ill health I'm now a 14/16. She let's it be known I'm worthless and can tell she is disgusted by me. She can't even look at me eat. My views have no value. I've been told she has looked at people in restaurants eating who are larger and loudly voiced her disgust so the person can hear. I really struggle to accept her behaviour.

My partner said she has invited us round for dinner tomorrow. I quite frankly don't want to go and be subjected to it.

Am I being unreasonable to avoid her or should I go and accept she has an illness.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fatshamed · 03/06/2023 16:48

Anybody?!

OP posts:
Coffeaddict · 03/06/2023 16:49

Don't go and tell your DP why.

TheSnowyOwl · 03/06/2023 16:50

There is a difference between having an eating disorder and being rude. I wouldn’t go either and I would explain why.

Cherrysoup · 03/06/2023 16:53

I’d go and give her a piece of my mind if she said anything.

Secondwindplease · 03/06/2023 16:54

Well your MIL has two problems really - one is that she has an eating disorder and the other is that she’s a nasty judgemental twat. Two separate issues and only the first deserves your sympathy.

Don’t go and tell her exactly why, perhaps she will reflect or perhaps not. Either way it’s not your circus and not your monkeys.

Seas164 · 03/06/2023 16:55

It doesn't matter if she's rude because she has an illness or she's rude because she's rude. If you don't want to spend time in her company because she is rude, then you do not have to.

No thankyou, I don't want to, should do it.

AliceMcK · 03/06/2023 16:58

I’d go, fill my plate, ask for seconds and pudding while patting my tummy.

My mother judged people on their weight and told me my entire childhood and adult life I was fat, I wasn’t in childhood but struggled up and down in adult life due to her. It was very liberating when I stopped giving a shit and would indulge in a massive cream cake in front of her,

Original poster
Fatshamed · 03/06/2023 16:59

Ok thank you. I do think somebody should be helping her get help she needs for the eating disorder, but her husband says things like 'you can't put lipstick on a pig' and 'how massive his niece is for being fat'. He shower me a photo once and she was slimmer than me.

Her children just ignore the issue and don't seem to be able to raise it with her. She has fatshamed them enough times publically.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fatshamed · 03/06/2023 17:00

He shower me! I mean showed me

OP posts:
Summerdayz530 · 03/06/2023 17:01

You are being unreasonable if you subject yourself to that.

We are all more than our body fat percentages and what we look like is literally the least interesting thing about us… I couldn’t spend time with her either!

Screamingabdabz · 03/06/2023 17:03

She sounds unhinged. It clearly hasn’t occurred to her that beauty is found within. She may be thin but she’s an ugly human being. I’d have nothing to do with her.

parietal · 03/06/2023 17:03

Go round. If she makes a comment, say - do you have any idea how rude that is? And wait.

If she makes a second comment, walk out.

Original poster
Fatshamed · 03/06/2023 17:06

AliceMcK · 03/06/2023 16:58

I’d go, fill my plate, ask for seconds and pudding while patting my tummy.

My mother judged people on their weight and told me my entire childhood and adult life I was fat, I wasn’t in childhood but struggled up and down in adult life due to her. It was very liberating when I stopped giving a shit and would indulge in a massive cream cake in front of her,

I did have a similar attitude. My thinking was she can only make me feel dreadful if I let her get to me. But I've just had enough. I don't want to be subjected to it anymore and would rather be at home in peace than being judged round her house for being heavier because I can't burn calories anymore.

She ignores me when I speak. Looks my size up and down and is sneering.

OP posts:
Seas164 · 03/06/2023 17:06

A relationship with your MIL and her husband isn't compulsary. She may need help with an eating disorder, but that is not your business, and unless her huband also suffers from the same affliction it sounds like they're judgemental and rude regardless of the help she needs.

It is healthy to have boundaries and not spend time with people who comment inappropriately on womens bodies.

GreenestValley · 03/06/2023 17:08

To be fair, ‘you can’t put lipstick on a pig’ is nothing to do with weight. It means you can’t improve something that’s fundamentally crap. Pigs being unattractive creatures. Don’t think it alludes to weight.

she sounds dreadful though

Original poster
Fatshamed · 03/06/2023 17:10

GreenestValley · 03/06/2023 17:08

To be fair, ‘you can’t put lipstick on a pig’ is nothing to do with weight. It means you can’t improve something that’s fundamentally crap. Pigs being unattractive creatures. Don’t think it alludes to weight.

she sounds dreadful though

He is referring to fat and unattractive women..i think he was referring to me to be honest.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 03/06/2023 17:13

I wouldn't be going around, no, and I'd be very clear to my husband why, and also that he was very welcome to his mother to share the reason, if she asked.

Your mother in law has an eating disorder. Yes, that's an illness. My daughter has an eating disorder. She doesn't go around sneering at people, hating on them, and judging them, for being larger than she thinks they ought to be. If she does, she does it in her head. She knows and acknowledges it to be an eating disorder, and is seeking help for it. Your mother in law is not. This is not a free pass to be an utter fucking rude and judgmental bitch. You have tried to be compassionate and understanding and that has been thrown in your face with her utterly unacceptable behaviour.

You are bigger than you wish to be, and than she thinks you ought to be. You are also dealing with a physical disorder that has created this situation. She is not seeking to have any insight, understanding or compassion for your issues, is she?

Why is she worthy of understanding and tolerance, and not you?

Redshoeblueshoe · 03/06/2023 17:14

The lipstick remark is disgusting. I wouldn't go round again.

whiteroseredrose · 03/06/2023 17:18

I'd counter with comments that she looks really ill, like a cadaver. She needs to see a doctor.

Screamingabdabz · 03/06/2023 17:20

Fatshamed · 03/06/2023 17:10

He is referring to fat and unattractive women..i think he was referring to me to be honest.

Show quote history

So FIL is nasty and misogynistic too? What a vile pair!

SoTired12 · 03/06/2023 17:21

If I was in the mood then I'd go round and play her at her own game, if I wasn't in the mood then I'd just stay at home and tell my DH the reason why (your mum is a horrible *unt and I cba with her today).

You do whatever you feel like doing, you don't owe her anything.

Original poster
Fatshamed · 03/06/2023 17:24

Screamingabdabz · 03/06/2023 17:20

So FIL is nasty and misogynistic too? What a vile pair!

Show quote history

They belong together to be fair.

Not just misogynistic but racist too.

Don't even get me started on how she has treated her gay child. 🙄

OP posts:
tsmainsqueeze · 03/06/2023 17:25

She ignores me when I speak. -- this alone is enough reason not to visit let alone everything else !
She sounds vile .

Original poster
Fatshamed · 03/06/2023 17:27

SoTired12 · 03/06/2023 17:21

If I was in the mood then I'd go round and play her at her own game, if I wasn't in the mood then I'd just stay at home and tell my DH the reason why (your mum is a horrible *unt and I cba with her today).

You do whatever you feel like doing, you don't owe her anything.

I think the reason I'm not soildering on with it for the sake of my partner is because I'm pmt'ing. The anxious and vulnerable pmt'ing. I'd crack if I went.

OP posts:
Seas164 · 03/06/2023 17:29

You don't need to "solider on" for the sake of your partner, why would your partner want to subject you to his mysogynistic homophobic parents?

Again, it's not compulsory, let him deal with them, you can opt out at any time.