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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New girlfriend and Ex has stopped paying child maintenance

38 replies

MrsHanif · 03/06/2023 07:25

Ex has never liked paying child maintenance. I did get child maintenance involved initially when he refused to pay in cash and insisted on buying things for our son instead.
He agreed to set up a direct debit rather than child maintenance service taking his pay direct.
He’s always presented himself as the worlds best Father and I don’t think he wanted anyone to know he’d not been paying. He can easily afford to pay and had a very nice lifestyle.
I got a letter from the CMS saying his income has increase and he now need to pay me £192 a month from April.
Knowing he’d try and not pay the increase I contacted him to make sure he changed his direct debit ready for April. Well predictably he’s not. He then asked if he could pay it next month as this month he’s had to pay extra to pick out child up due to diversions on the road. I kindly agreed but spelled out I want the direct debit changed £192 a month and the excess from last month paid. So this month I should have got around £230.
He didn’t pay on the date and again just the £145 went in.
When I queried this he apologised saying he thought he’d sent it and I will get it tomorrow latest.
Well he never sent it.
I asked to discuss it. He hasn’t replied.

I’m actually feeling really sad. He’s a stereotypical ‘Disney dad’. I’ve had to do all the hard work of parenting while he just takes our Son for a good time every other weekend.
He criticises constantly.
And to not pay maintenance is just so disrespectful in my opinion.

I don’t believe there’s any financial difficulty. He seems to have plenty of money as he has a nice lifestyle.

I’m not sure why he’d decided not to pay the full amount. He recently got a new girlfriend so this could be why (he is always in short lived relationships).
But he recently found out I’m pregnant so that could also be why. I got married in May last year.

Despite everything I’ve always worked on the belief that it’s better to ‘keep the peace’.
I have to deal with him for 8 more years (Son is 10) and I just prefer to be amicable.
We do not talk except to discuss child arrangements and don’t argue.

I have already sent a message saying I’m appalled that he’s trying not to pay the maintenance in full. I regret sending that now as I don’t like him getting any emotion out of me. Especially as he might deliberately not be paying to upset me.

I am not sure how best to proceed. I didn’t want to use the CMS as I really wanted the correct child maintenance for a specific item for my Son and I know with the CMS it will be weeks until they get it.

I also know as he works for his Dad he’d be embarrassed if the CMS contact his employer as the employer is his Dad.

My Husband feels it’s best to not engage in conversation with him anymore and just use the official channel of CMS and that he thinks he’s made a decision he’s not paying the increased rate.

AIBU to try to get him to pay or is my Husband right?

It’s such a shame as he hardly pays anything anyway. It just feels so disrespectful.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsHanif · 03/06/2023 07:30

With all the stress of looking after a child this is the last thing I need to be wasting my time chasing after child maintenance.
It should just be given willingly 😢
Thankfully I have a rock solid marriage and an amazing Husband who is the best support.

OP posts:
Lostinplaces · 03/06/2023 07:30

Tell him it needs to be transferred in full today or you will be contacting CMS as he can’t keep to the existing arrangement.

cansu · 03/06/2023 07:31

Wait a few days and then send him a final message asking him to pay the amount owing. I would maybe say that you really do not want to be in the position of continually asking for this money so if it can't be sorted out quickly the CMS might be the best way for everyone.

piedbeauty · 03/06/2023 07:32

I'd just go through CMS. Easier all round. Especially if his dad says something to him about not paying!

piedbeauty · 03/06/2023 07:33

The CMS must be involved if you got a letter from them saying that his income had increased?

TheKobayashiMaru · 03/06/2023 07:34

Go through CMS. Easier all round.

MintJulia · 03/06/2023 07:34

Lostinplaces · 03/06/2023 07:30

Tell him it needs to be transferred in full today or you will be contacting CMS as he can’t keep to the existing arrangement.

This. No excuses.

Original poster
MrsHanif · 03/06/2023 07:35

piedbeauty · 03/06/2023 07:33

The CMS must be involved if you got a letter from them saying that his income had increased?

Yes they are. I explained in the original post that I had to get them involved as he initially refused to pay in cash to me.
but we use direct pay and have no contact with them at all.

OP posts:
nutbrownhare15 · 03/06/2023 07:35

It's not fair for me to have to keep asking and clearly you are having some administrative difficulties. I'm wondering if going via CMS would work better for us both moving forward. If you aren't able to pay today I'll get in touch with them on monday'

Fedupofdiets · 03/06/2023 07:36

piedbeauty · 03/06/2023 07:33

The CMS must be involved if you got a letter from them saying that his income had increased?

My CM was calculated via CMS but ex pays directly instead of via them, each year they recalculate it.

OP tell you he has left you with no choice but to inform CMS and let them collect it, he is a fool because it will now cost him more but that was up to him.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 03/06/2023 07:36

Agree with above. Tell him to pay today what is still owed and pay on time in future or you will be going via CMS. Tell him the first missed, late or wrong amount paid, will also lead to this

SeasonFinale · 03/06/2023 07:37

I agree. Say if the amount he owes in full including any arrears is not paid in full by (date) then you will have no alternate but to go via CMS. If he doesn't want his dad/employer to know then he will soon pay up.

(But don't blame a new GF for his failings. This is entirely on him).

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 03/06/2023 07:39

Call CMS and change to Collection, they will start the process to get CM taken off directly from his salary.

Using their collection service will mean your CM payment will decrease by 4% BUT he will have to pay 20% extra to CMS so hopefully that will get him paying without the need of using the CMS collection service.

This process takes a bit of time so ring them ASAP.

Original poster
MrsHanif · 03/06/2023 07:41

SeasonFinale · 03/06/2023 07:37

I agree. Say if the amount he owes in full including any arrears is not paid in full by (date) then you will have no alternate but to go via CMS. If he doesn't want his dad/employer to know then he will soon pay up.

(But don't blame a new GF for his failings. This is entirely on him).

apologies if this could be misunderstood.
Absolutely not blaming her in any way for this.
He always turns critical, difficult and more likely to not pay for things when he has a girlfriend. Particularly a new one.
it’s not the women’s fault as this is the same with every woman he starts a relationship with.
I have NO idea why this is.
The only man I’ve ever dated is my now Husband but he was worst when we got together first. Thankfully he seems to have got over it now. I left him. Around 9 years ago.

OP posts:
BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 03/06/2023 07:42

I get this most years, I report to cms and they threaten him with collect and pay and without fail he sorts it out. Just contact cms and let them give him the options of either bringing up to date or them enforcing it. Which reminds me I need to report a short payment

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 03/06/2023 07:43

Don’t threaten him with calling CMs, just call the CMS and they will have the difficult conversations on your behalf.

That will also set the clock ticking as the CMS can only recover arrears for the previous 3 months to your call, so the longer you take to report the issue, the less they can do to help.

Original poster
MrsHanif · 03/06/2023 07:43

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 03/06/2023 07:39

Call CMS and change to Collection, they will start the process to get CM taken off directly from his salary.

Using their collection service will mean your CM payment will decrease by 4% BUT he will have to pay 20% extra to CMS so hopefully that will get him paying without the need of using the CMS collection service.

This process takes a bit of time so ring them ASAP.

I’d actually prefer this anyway. 4% is nothing really and it would give me peace of mind that the money will actually go in and I can budget accordingly.
I see endless issues now with him trying not to pay even if I successfully get him to pay what he owes today 😢

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsHanif · 03/06/2023 07:44

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 03/06/2023 07:43

Don’t threaten him with calling CMs, just call the CMS and they will have the difficult conversations on your behalf.

That will also set the clock ticking as the CMS can only recover arrears for the previous 3 months to your call, so the longer you take to report the issue, the less they can do to help.

Do you know if they’re any good at actually contacting and getting things done?

OP posts:
ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 03/06/2023 07:45

MrsHanif · 03/06/2023 07:43

I’d actually prefer this anyway. 4% is nothing really and it would give me peace of mind that the money will actually go in and I can budget accordingly.
I see endless issues now with him trying not to pay even if I successfully get him to pay what he owes today 😢

Show quote history

Honestly, having the collect and pay device sorted my ex beautifully. The 4% is nothing, however, if your ex is self employed this may not be the best route.

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 03/06/2023 07:46

Device? Service even.

nahwhale · 03/06/2023 07:46

cansu · 03/06/2023 07:31

Wait a few days and then send him a final message asking him to pay the amount owing. I would maybe say that you really do not want to be in the position of continually asking for this money so if it can't be sorted out quickly the CMS might be the best way for everyone.

This and don't blame his new girlfriend - he's the one who needs to pay there was absolutely no need to drag her into this

Waitingforsummer75 · 03/06/2023 07:47

MrsHanif · 03/06/2023 07:44

Do you know if they’re any good at actually contacting and getting things done?

Show quote history

No, they're not. I started the change to collect and pay early December. They finally wrote to advise him that they intended to implement this on 29 May. This is despite me calling almost weekly. I don't currently receive a penny.

nahwhale · 03/06/2023 07:48

MrsHanif · 03/06/2023 07:41

apologies if this could be misunderstood.
Absolutely not blaming her in any way for this.
He always turns critical, difficult and more likely to not pay for things when he has a girlfriend. Particularly a new one.
it’s not the women’s fault as this is the same with every woman he starts a relationship with.
I have NO idea why this is.
The only man I’ve ever dated is my now Husband but he was worst when we got together first. Thankfully he seems to have got over it now. I left him. Around 9 years ago.

Show quote history

It did to be honest. Just leave the new girlfirends out of it. One of them might end up being your kids stepmum so view them kindly until you have reason to not.

ButterCrackers · 03/06/2023 07:51

Go down the legal route and contact the relevant services for this. The child support needs to be taken directly from his pay. He sounds like a loser dad as he isn’t paying for his child and you don’t need the hassle for running after him each month.

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 03/06/2023 07:53

MrsHanif · 03/06/2023 07:44

Do you know if they’re any good at actually contacting and getting things done?

Show quote history

They are if your ex is employed, it will take a few months sorting it as he will tell them he will pay, then they will call you on after the date he promised to pay and call him back if he hasn’t and so on, but they will be taking note of what he pays (for his own good he should pay by bank transfer as if he pays in cash he has no proof of payment but that is his own problem).

Eventually, if he fails to pay, the CMS will arrange for his employer to deduct the payment from his salary directly, they will also change the amount he pays to recover any arrears.

It is a long winded process but it will save you years of misery.