New girlfriend and Ex has stopped paying child maintenance

[MrsHanif]

Ex has never liked paying child maintenance. I did get child maintenance involved initially when he refused to pay in cash and insisted on buying things for our son instead.
He agreed to set up a direct debit rather than child maintenance service taking his pay direct.
He’s always presented himself as the worlds best Father and I don’t think he wanted anyone to know he’d not been paying. He can easily afford to pay and had a very nice lifestyle.
I got a letter from the CMS saying his income has increase and he now need to pay me £192 a month from April.
Knowing he’d try and not pay the increase I contacted him to make sure he changed his direct debit ready for April. Well predictably he’s not. He then asked if he could pay it next month as this month he’s had to pay extra to pick out child up due to diversions on the road. I kindly agreed but spelled out I want the direct debit changed £192 a month and the excess from last month paid. So this month I should have got around £230.
He didn’t pay on the date and again just the £145 went in.
When I queried this he apologised saying he thought he’d sent it and I will get it tomorrow latest.
Well he never sent it.
I asked to discuss it. He hasn’t replied.

I’m actually feeling really sad. He’s a stereotypical ‘Disney dad’. I’ve had to do all the hard work of parenting while he just takes our Son for a good time every other weekend.
He criticises constantly.
And to not pay maintenance is just so disrespectful in my opinion.

I don’t believe there’s any financial difficulty. He seems to have plenty of money as he has a nice lifestyle.

I’m not sure why he’d decided not to pay the full amount. He recently got a new girlfriend so this could be why (he is always in short lived relationships).
But he recently found out I’m pregnant so that could also be why. I got married in May last year.

Despite everything I’ve always worked on the belief that it’s better to ‘keep the peace’.
I have to deal with him for 8 more years (Son is 10) and I just prefer to be amicable.
We do not talk except to discuss child arrangements and don’t argue.

I have already sent a message saying I’m appalled that he’s trying not to pay the maintenance in full. I regret sending that now as I don’t like him getting any emotion out of me. Especially as he might deliberately not be paying to upset me.

I am not sure how best to proceed. I didn’t want to use the CMS as I really wanted the correct child maintenance for a specific item for my Son and I know with the CMS it will be weeks until they get it.

I also know as he works for his Dad he’d be embarrassed if the CMS contact his employer as the employer is his Dad.

My Husband feels it’s best to not engage in conversation with him anymore and just use the official channel of CMS and that he thinks he’s made a decision he’s not paying the increased rate.

AIBU to try to get him to pay or is my Husband right?

It’s such a shame as he hardly pays anything anyway. It just feels so disrespectful.

Yep, get CMS to deduct from his salary - no messing.

Absolute bastard

And I wish others would stop harping on about the girlfriend. The OP hasn't blamed her at all. It's reasonable for her to assume that the ex's reluctance to pay coincides with the start of a new relationship. I mean, if he's prioritising the new girlfriend then it's hardly surprising, given he's not exactly father-of-the-year material.

Do this.

Go the cms route. You have to deal with this gift 8 more years so might as well make it as easy as possible. If I’m he’s embarrassed - well he should be. Anyone who avoids paying for their child should be embarrassed

This!

Agreed. Many men stop paying once they get into a new relationship. They want the money for other things.
Not in any way the girlfriends fault who likely has no idea he’s not the perfect Father paying all his child maintenance in full.

So he hasn't actually stopped paying it, and it's nothing to do with his new girlfriend?

Slightly misleading title there OP.

Theres a service where every year CMS calculate and advise of the new amount due (based on last years earnings) but don't get involved in taking it from your account by "direct pay", for which they add their own fees to the payer, and knock more off before giving it to the receiver.

The calculate and advise method is used by a lot of parents who are amicable about patients.

Payments not patients.

I would tell him if I dont receive the backpay by 9am Monday morning I'm contacting CMS and seeking direct pay so they may contact your employer.

If he is that concerned about his Dad knowing it may spur him on

Not my day today, clearly too early in a morning!

DIRECT PAY is where they just calculate and advise.
COLLECT AND PAY is where CMS whack their own fee ontop and then hoik it from earnings etc.

Given you've asked, given a time frame, and also sent a shirty message- I'd say the negotiations are done. Contact CSM and have them involved.

Update:
So I sent a message to him today saying I have contacted CMS regarding the missed payments and they will be taking the communication further ongoing. I won’t be communicating with him about it again.

I have just decided I’m getting them to deal with it as me contacting him and getting annoyed just gives him power and that might be partly what he wants. Also even if he paid off the arrears today I would have the same issue next month.
I hope they’re able to sort it and help me out.
I shouldn’t have to deal with this. Yet more work for me when I’ve already so much to do.

The £92 if budgeted to use for our Son’s food shop. So it’s only his Son he hurts with this. This month will be a financial struggle now until payday 😢
That teaches me not to rely on his payment going forwards anyway.