To move to another school

[Jennybeans401]

My middle dd is in Year 5 and moved from her previous school last year after horrendous bullying from a group of girls.

Initially things were better at this school but she is now desperately unhappy. We are in a rural area so surrounded by small schools. This school has six girls across two year groups and dd has tried with the girls but she says they are very cliquey. They won't let her join in at break and lunchtimes so she spends her time alone.

I spoke to the head and teacher several times and they told me a playground plan was in place but dd is still isolated. There are other problems such as lack of resources, teachers off sick a lot and not much to do in terms of clubs.

I feel so sad for her and thinking now AIBU to consider moving her elsewhere or even home ed to build her confidence up?

I forgot to mention that I have seen how dd is isolated when I've been on school trips as a volunteer

Why can't she be friends with the boys? At that age mine was best friends with 2 or 3 boys, girls were secondary friends. I'd pick a few choice after school activities (eg soft play, farm visit, pick your own then tea) and ask your daughter to choose a friend (boy or girl) to bring. In isolation the other girls can get to know here without the pack

She has tried with the boys and they all play football at lunchtime. The girls seem to have very set friendships.

Where will she go to Senior School in Y7?

Can you try to support her making friends? Are there activities at the weekends where she can meet one or two of the girls in different environment? Swimming lessons? Dance class? Junior parkrun?

It would be very disruptive to keep changing schools. At some point you need to decide to stay and face them out. How long has she been there? What is the school plan to sort it out?

My ds went to a 17 intake rural primary so there were only 8 boys in his class too. I know it sometimes isn't easy.

If you keep on moving her she'll never make friends cos she'll always be the new girl. Give her tools and suggestions on how to make friends. You'll make it harder for her by moving again and disrupting her education .

The girls in dds class all do gymnastics and it's literally all they talk about. Dd hates it, her hobby is tennis and loves it. I've spoken about maybe giving gymnastics a go but she just really doesn't want to (we tried it a few times in the past and dd hated it).

The teacher told me a plan is in place, she said not to worry and that dd would be okay. She isn't though. On coach trips she sits alone, she dreads break and lunchtime.

They went on a trip recently and dd thought that she'd partner up with the girl who sits next to her. When the teacher asked people to partner up this girl got out of her seat and walked to the other side of the class to find her friend. I saw it because I volunteered to help. Dd was upset

I'm a teacher and I would ask the teacher to be really honest with you about why she thinks this might be happening. She might have been very unlucky at two schools or she may be unintentionally doing something to alienate her peers. The teacher won't tell you if your child is being insufferably arrogant and superior, or critical, or standoffish. I know it isn't pc to blame a child who is sad about being without friends but I honestly mean this kindly, as something just to consider. She might need a bit of help or she might not be doing anything 'wrong' at all but it's worth investigating and I would if it was my child.

Where would you plan to move her to?

I'd discount to some extent the disruption to her education. Yes, two school moves in such a short space is less than ideal and horrifically disruptive, but she won't be learning well at school if she's miserable and anxious there. Most children have friendship issues and are left out occasionally but it's not fair imo to send her somewhere where every day is a torture for her. As an adult, I wouldn't put up with working somewhere like that.

But you need a reason for why the next place is going to be better. Do you have a bigger school in mind? Can she do a trial day? If actually they're all very similar, you might be better focusing on building up her confidence through out-of-school clubs and activities. I wouldn't home ed though unless you're planning to do that for secondary... I think it would be hard for her to go straight from home ed to a huge, impersonal secondary.

She has friends outside school which is great and her teacher tells me she is one of the kindest girls in the class. She is often recognised for being kind and helping others our if they've had an accident or are upset about something.

My feeling is that she is in such a small school (about 60 pupils) and came from a small school. It seems like a bad fit for her personality. Her self esteem has been affected by it but with such a small pool of friends I'm really not sure how this will get better.

How long has she been at the school? Friendships take time to develop, particularly at that age.
But also if they all have a shared hobby and your DD has no interest then it might just also be that they don't have a ton in common.

If there are 6 other girls then they are already used to partnering up and your DD is just the odd number. It isn't necessarily malice.

I agree with this as well. There is never an excuse for bullying but it might be worth thinking about whether there is some obstacle in your DD's interactions with her peers which means similar problems are likely to arise elsewhere. Of course she shouldn't have to change who she is to fit in, but often friendships (and just generally rubbing along with others) involve some degree of willingness to compromise.

There's a larger community school which I'd be prepared to drive to. It's oversubscribed unlike the village schools. The head told me I could appeal but the chances are slim. Perhaps if they know how unhappy she is then they will consider her?

All half term she's been anxious about going back to school and it's been sad to see.

I'd go and look at some larger school's with her and see what she thinks. At her village primary my daughter ended up making friends with the year below and the year above, as she joined in yr 3 and the friendships were very set in her year (5 girls).

@Goldbar she makes friends easily out of school. Generally very affable and known for being kind. That's from teachers and her friends parents.

I'd definitely add her to the waiting-list. Spaces might become available over the summer.

If she's previously been bullied and now is being isolated, she needs her confidence building up. It's not going to do her any good whatever being kicked when she's down, over and over again.

Are there any holiday clubs/courses near you that she might enjoy that would help with building confidence and get her socialising over the summer? Forest/woodcraft camps, art courses, coding courses, tennis or sports camps? I'd try to give her lots of out-of-school social interaction in a safe, positive environment.

If her year group is oversubscribed they can't make an exception even if they are sympathetic. It wouldn't be fair on the existing students to increase their class size.

I do think another move is a mistake FWIW. You chose both of her previous schools for good reasons, yet they didn't work out. What if you are wrong about this third school too?

When I have a parent who is very worried about friendship issues it is usually one of three things.

Sometimes, it is a highly anxious parent who reads too much into typical interactions between children. They don't give it enough time before starting to panic.

Sometimes, it is a genuine case of bullying and that must be taken seriously and dealt with.

Usually, the child - who may have lots of perfectly lovely qualities - needs a bit of support to interact appropriately with their peers. In my mind, I am thinking about a little boy this year who brags a lot - the other children don't like it and it will take time to address it sensitively with him.

Before you panic, ask the teacher for absolute honesty. If she thinks you are the sort of parent who will complain or get angry about it, you won't get it.

This is a really good point. Definitely something to work towards. Even if she can't move schools, can you promote out-of-school friendships with children who will be going to the same senior school? So that she knows some people when she arrives there.

Is the teacher actually being proactive in trying to get the other girls to include your dd? Have they talked to them without your dd present and asked them to consider how she feels? They're old enough to have some empathy. The fact they all do gymnastics is neither here nor there unless it's all they talk about.

The trouble with moving schools again is your dd will be experiencing another failure (current school) and go to the next with even lower self confidence.

I also wonder if there is something "different" about your dd. Does she lack social skills in some way or exudes lack of confidence/ interest somehow? Girls this age will readily pick up on these subtle cues. Typically girls would flock to a newcomer, especially with such a small group.

I'd also try inviting each girl one to one for a playdate, though it's not so easy when they get older and the other child refuses to go - unlike at 5 say, where they generally go along with it.

Sounds as if she has lots of friends and interests outside school. So I would just home Ed her for a year until secondary. It’s a funny time for children to make friends, parents are less invested in it too unless they’re very local as it’s not long til secondary.
I think it’s better to do that than potentially damage her self esteem move if another move fails.

Could you move her to a school that one or more of her friends outside school go to? Would that work?
I can't see that you will solve the problem by placing her in a new school again because by year 5 and 6 friendship circles will have set and it's hard to break in.
Year 7 will be very different though as things get a huge shake up then.

We had similar problems with my eldest dd. We were also close to small schools and we were told she probably had autism. It was an awful time, dd was told she couldn't play with the others, lost all her confidence and eventually just gave up trying (sat alone every break and lunchtime).

The teachers do pigeonhole people. That's my experience of it, the quiet child, the autistic child. They did little to help dd once they'd labelled her and we were also told there were plans in place. Schools are massively under resourced and have little time to resolve problems so sometimes if your dd is compliant and quiet (yet desperately unhappy as you say) the school will keep placating you until you kick up a fuss.

We have withdrawn our dd (not an easy decision I can tell you) and we home ed now. It is not easy and not what I would have chosen but she is so much happier and her confidence has returned. Sometimes the school environment isn't for everyone and it doesn't reflect the real world, particularly when there is such a small mix. You could consider home ed as a real choice for your dd, our area is full of groups that meet so there are opportunities to mix and make friends.

Small schools can be the worst. If large school is oversubscribed would it be worth homeschooling until she starts high school. Iv read some great things on here about home schooling groups.

If it's feasible to homeschool I would choose this option until secondary. It sounds as though she has stuff going on outside of school so won't be isolated by doing it. You might be able to do more as actually need less time to learn what you need. Going to a school for six hours a day where she has no friends and is unhappy is awful. No harm in putting her on the waiting list for somewhere and checking it out with her in the meantime.

Thanks,yes I'm thinking home ed might help her build her confidence. Before the bullying started at the old school (a new girl joined and it drastically changed - only four other girls there) dd was bright, extrovert, chatty and extremely confident.

The school couldn't resolve the issue and she's ended up in this new school feeing very lonely. She's lacking in confidence and I can't see this changing by staying. Wondering if I should at least give it to the end of summer term to see if there are changes? She is miserable though.