To move to another school

[Jennybeans401]

My middle dd is in Year 5 and moved from her previous school last year after horrendous bullying from a group of girls.

Initially things were better at this school but she is now desperately unhappy. We are in a rural area so surrounded by small schools. This school has six girls across two year groups and dd has tried with the girls but she says they are very cliquey. They won't let her join in at break and lunchtimes so she spends her time alone.

I spoke to the head and teacher several times and they told me a playground plan was in place but dd is still isolated. There are other problems such as lack of resources, teachers off sick a lot and not much to do in terms of clubs.

I feel so sad for her and thinking now AIBU to consider moving her elsewhere or even home ed to build her confidence up?

All half term she's been anxious about going back to school and it's been sad to see.

This must be heartbreaking for you. My kids are quiet and don't have masses of friends but will be looking forward to going back as they get bored if they don't see their friends in the holidays and they don't enjoy sports outside school like your Dd does. I imagine this means she can do sporty clubs in the summer?

I would talk to her again and if homeschooling an option put it on the table with what it would look like. I think you would need a plan. Where I am I would be able to easily access museums and other things in term time without the holiday crowds which would be lovely.

In my area there seems to be an increase in homeschooling as I see tuition centres with small group classes in school hours for home ed kids even offering forest school etc.

It might seem like only a few weeks left but every day spent dreading going in and then dreading being alone and wondering what to do with yourself at break and lunch is awful. The school don't seem to have shared any kind of plan with you so hard to know what might change.

I think another school should be tried for in preference to home education.

It’s hard with such a small school and yr5, they will naturally already be a tight group.
I’d definitely be asking school and see how they can assist eg not letting people pick partners and leave dd out. Can she help with a younger class at break DDs school had a sports thing at breaks where they played games with little ones on a rota.
Is she a Brownie or Guide? Guides start at age 10/yr 5. We have girls at tiny village schools and some quirky girls and parents feedback how positive it is for them. I’m a leader and we work really hard to include everyone eg putting them in mixed groups.

Would you be thinking about home educating for Year 6, or permanently. If the former, I’d start considering secondary places now, especially those where her out of school friends might go, if there’s a decent chance she’ll get a place. If the latter, then off roll her and investigate all the groups and support that there is for home ed.

WRT appeals, this isn't really how they work. The panel don't just admit a child because they feel sorry for them, unfortunately. You'd have to demonstrate why the prejudice to the school in admitting your DD is less than the prejudice she faces by not being given a place. At the moment, she has a school place, she doesn't have friends but she isn't facing active physical bullying or name calling etc.

The argument will be that she could move to any new school and they would support her in making friends, etc. The panel can agree that she's unhappy at her current school, but not agree that she necessarily needs to go to this particular school.

It might be worth a try, but there are a lot of factors involved in appeals, and at the moment, it doesn't feel like you have a strong case.

It might be worth applying so she is on the waiting list for a place at the larger school if one becomes available?

In this situation I think I'd try and break the group of six down to smaller groups or individuals and arrange some play dates. Unfortunately if your DD hates gymnastics and the girls are spending breaktime cartwheeling around she's naturally going to be isolated but if you can help her try to get to know some of the girls better that may help.

Or even the boys. She dislikes gymnastics but what about football? My daughter's class had about 6 other girls in it, all of them heavily involved in dance. My daughter hates dancing and wouldn't entertain trying it. She tried football instead and spent her break times playing football with the boys in class, at parents evening I asked her teacher if there were concerns that she was always on the outskirts with the other girls and her teacher said that they'd noticed but she's close to X and Y (2 boys) so aren't bothered.

Thinking ahead to secondary, could she go to the same school as her out of school friends?

Her tennis club is out of area so unlikely dd would go to the same secondary school. I'm struggling to imagine her at secondary, probably because she's really unhappy at school and her confidence is so low.

Home ed might work, I would find it hard work because I think it would mean me driving her to places for social interaction. On the other hand it's so difficult to see her stressed about school in this way.

I know schools are massively overstretched for money and resources but I feel really disappointed by our experiences.

The school can make sure she has someone to work with in the classroom and that she isn't on her own at playtime - if that isn't happening then you could follow it up. They can make the other pupils be kind and allow her to join in, and not to say anything mean. But they can't force true friendship. I know I'm a stuck record but before you do anything drastic and potentially even more damaging I do think you could have that frank conversation with the teacher - partly to find out why, but also to find out what they have tried, and to make sure DD's version of events is truthful. I sometimes have parents worrying that their children were 'alone all playtime' when they were alone for five minutes because they got cross about a game they didn't want to play or something.

Home ed might work, I would find it hard work because I think it would mean me driving her to places for social interaction.

You're right, in a rural area it would mean driving her around to see friends, but you don't have to be on the go nonstop. I guess your daughter already sees her tennis friends at least once or twice a week. Add a few sociable activities (home ed or otherwise) or playdates each week, and that might well be enough to keep her happy.

People assume that children need school-style interaction 30 hours a week to get their fill socially, but for most kids that isn't true. How much time did you used to need to get her together with friends during the summer holidays? It could look similar when home educating, except maybe a bit easier as you can get into more of a routine when you do it for longer than six weeks. We tend to fall into routines such as Mondays home ed climbing, Tuesdays game club, Thursdays meet up with a particular friend, Saturday sports club. If she makes friends with other home ed kids, they will have more time on their hands than schoolchildren, so they may be up for playing for many hours at a time, meaning you only have to drop her off or have the other child dropped off and they'll be happy for the day. My kids' playdates were usually a minimum of five hours.

You describe your daughter as sociable, friendly, and previously very confident. That indicates there is nothing wrong with her social skills, only the environment in which she has found herself. She deserves to be happy and to regain her confidence for the next year and a bit. I bet secondary will be entirely different. To the poster who said it is hard to go from home education to a big secondary school: not particularly! An outgoing child who has had positive social experiences will land on her feet. Many kids are home educated for primary and then start school in secondary. Unless they are the sort of children who will never be a good fit for school, they don't find it a difficult adjustment. Being happily home educated would be a far better foundation for secondary school than moving from a tiny primary where she has been ostracised and has come to believe there is something wrong with her.

If the school is small, presumably there are mixed age classes. Are all these girls in Y5 or are some in Y6. Will there be some new girls (or boys) in the class next year? Would this help?

She's really stressed today, very upset about the idea of school tomorrow. We've had tears since she got up this morning, she's angry and shut herself in the bedroom.

I've spoken to her about me meeting with school about it to see if there's more they can do before we take her out. She hates it there though and says she even misses the two girls that bullied her at the other school because at least they spoke to her.

My dsis thinks I should make her go back to school tomorrow but I hate seeing dd so desperately unhappy.

Also, will another meeting help? Head says she's got a plan in place and do has teacher but won't be pinned down on the plan or how they are going to help dd.

She's not even thriving academically (good at writing naturally and reading though). The school had an inadequate inspection which did flag up problems but we were told the head was turning it round.

It's like deja vu for me. We had a very similar experience with dd. We would rather her be in a school but we ended up home edding because she was so unhappy.

Where are you up to now? It's not easy to home ed but it might be worth it to see your dd feeling calmer and more confident.

Has the school put in place any concrete strategies to help? E.g. written plans with intended outcomes.

There is also the possibility that your dd is ND which may affect her social relationships. We think my dd is autistic and she struggles with a lot of social interaction, can make but not keep friends, doesn't really read the situation. It makes the playground very difficult for them. It may be worth having the assessment.