AIBU to change my daughters surname?

[EricNorthman]

Myself and my ex both decided to double barrel our surnames for our daughter before she was born (both individually long - along the lines of Middleton - Chadwell) Upon registering the birth he seemed shocked I was going through with it as he had thought Id give in and just go with his. I didnt because a) we weren't married and i kind of knew it would never happen b) he had other children from a previous marriage with solely his name and c) Im proud of my surname.

When our DD was born and people asked her name, he would tell them her full first and surname, followed by but it will only be Chadwell when she starts school! This really pissed me off as he had never discussed this with me.
I left him, and have been and will continue to raise her by myself. When asked her name she says x Middleton.

I know I need his permission. He will probably sulk but sign the forms if asked, but would I be unreasonable to suggest it?
Her surname has a hyphen in it so i believe that may complicate just dropping the hyphen without involving deed poll.

Sorry for the long post x

It’s better to have solely your surname if you choose to have other children. (My mother did (my half siblings) and all of us have my mothers surname. However we both have our fathers surnames as our middle names.

Is your name the first or the second in the double barrel?

I wouldn’t change her name. It is her name now and she is the only person who should ever change it.

Of course you’re not being unreasonable. Absolutely suggest it.

Your name is simply what you decide to use. A deed poll does make it easier for banking, passports etc, but is unnecessary, and is a most unimpressive document, just a single sheet, no headed paper or anything. You could just use your child's forename and your surname if you wish. When she gets to 18 she could decide for herself.

How old is she? What does she think?

There seems to be no real advantage to her in having a name change. I think it would be fine to ask that she’s known as just your surname at school for convenience.

It's her own personal identity now not yours. You should respect your daughters wishes and allow her to decide.

I agree, and i know that know, i was in a bit of a bubble at the time.
My surname is the 1st, hence why she just says that as her name.

Shes 3, so she cant really decide, but she just wont say the 2nd part as its too long.
My main reason for changing it was the fact that i didnt want her to have to spell the 2 full names at school, but as pp has suggested just to ask school to use mine.
Also wanted to do it whilst ahe was still young so she didny know any different

I appreciate that its her name, so will leave it until she decide and just use my name apart from official documents.

Thank you for your input everyone.

W b y does it get to be your surname and not his?

Do you even see him? Will he know?
I double barrelled the DC's surname for school, clubs etc when I split with XP. He wouldn't let me double barrel it when they were born so I then did it anyway.

I have a similar issue only I gave dd both mine and exes surname but now everyone drops mine and only calls her under his, he won’t let me change it despite rarely seeing her. Are you sure he will definitely give permission? If he would then yes change it

You were wise to make sure your surname was included from the get-go. So many women don't and then regret it when the relationship falls apart and they're the one left raising the child day to day.

I'd probably leave it and just have her known as your surname on a day to day basis.

Definitely leave it until she can decide! A name change at that age will follow her for life - every form filled in will request previous surnames, she'll have to provide proof (for bank accounts, passports, DBS checks or similar, mortgages etc). She can drop either name when she's older and just be known by one, but no point to chop and change it now and make her life a pain in the further imo.

Given aged 3, I think changing it is reasonable.

I’d leave it. It’s her name and a link to her father and half-siblings. Plenty of children have long names or difficult spellings to learn.

It will hardly be a pain, do it now op whilst she’s young and before she starts school! My girls 12 now as soon as she’s 16 I’m changing it wish we could have done it sooner

I’d change it.

I don’t think it’s reasonable as it then forces a lifetime of faff for someone having to declare past names on forms etc. I’d be pissed if I had to do this (obviously never changed my name). I think just leave it until they are old enough to understand the implications and what this will involve for them ever after. If they then want to go ahead, no problem, they can action.

Why do you want to do it?

I would leave it until age 16 when she can do her own name change.
As suggested I would have her known with your surname at school but have her exam certificates as her birth certificate name assuming that she doesn't change it.
Ime it's very common for a child with a double barrelled surname to drop one at school.

I agree with this. A name change now will mean a lifetime of reminders that she once had a different name. If she chooses to make the change as and adult that's fine, but at least then she will be able to make the decision knowing all the facts.

Just leave it as is. When you apply for school you get a form which basically asks for the full name and then the known by name.

So you can fill it in with ’Suzannah Middleton - Chadwell’ but known as ‘Susie Middleton’ if you like.

When mine were born they just had my ex’s surname. When we split up, I got a court order to double barrel them with mine (which is an alternative to deed poll). I was advised to have mine first though.
My eldest now only uses mine (although legally eg passport/driving licence has both), my youngest uses mostly just mine, but both other times. I think he quite likes that it is different (they are otherwise very common surnames on their own!)
I’d leave it up to your daughter. He is still her dad.

My children are similar - double barrelled it’s actually ok and my name is fine - his is much shorted and people can not pronounce it.

we agreed on double barrelling when we got married - I did and he didn’t.
when we got divorced - my name is first and the children like it so use it.

For example she is
Camilla Nightingale rather than Camilla Nightingale-Shue (misspelt as Shoe)
kind of example

When they were younger ex forced them to be Shue and they hated it - I was like ‘you choose’ but I’m Nightingale.

They dropped the Shue bit. For a long time I brought labels with their full names on and despite not paying a penny towards them he used to black market pen my name out just leaving his - then one day they both said ‘I’m nightingale’ don’t want his name on any label - so I took it off - they have asked at school to have a known as name and a legal name.

but dentist, library etc were happy to change it.

they them choose.

eldest is older and has no contact and changed hers legally youngest - he won’t consent (ex) to changing their name but I understand they can at 16 or 18 so we will do that!

I had a long double barrelled surname. At school everyone just used the initials, so using your example I was Yom M-C. I hardly ever had to write the long version, so it wasn't an issue.
I wouldn't legally mess with her name, let her do that when she is old enough.