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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DH that I can’t do this any more?

41 replies

Eyeofthelamp · 01/06/2023 18:38

I have 4 DC (17yrs - SEN, 12yrs, 3yrs & 6m). DH and I are both self employed and I work from home full time. I took no maternity leave after each of the youngest children and I went straight back to work as there is no way anyone else could do my job, plus I don't have the money to employ anyone. We have no family to help either, it’s just me, DH and DC.

DH has started regularly working away from home since the beginning of the year and I'm on my own 3-4 days per week juggling the kids, work, the house, dogs etc. and quite frankly I'm exhausted. My health has been a bit iffy recently and I'm back to the docs tomorrow for more bloods.

Anyway, I want to tell him that I'm struggling with him being away so much and to ask him not work away for a while. Am I being unreasonable? Should I just suck it up? I know other husbands work away much more that this, but I'm literally doing everything alone. I have chronic insomnia and I'm doing everything for the kids from the second I get up until the second I go to bed (DC3 is a handful!) whilst also trying to run a business and look after a the house. It's just too much and it's making me miserable. I literally can't go on like this. I know DH won't be happy but I'm not sure what else to do.

Sorry for waffling and thank you if you made it this far!

OP posts:
Sirzy · 01/06/2023 18:41

Something has to change, you need to sit down together and discuss the best way for that. None of us know the nature of the jobs to know if cutting back travel is possible or going to be detrimental to things long term.

would employing someone to work as a Nanny or similar help?

ToddlerMama27 · 01/06/2023 18:50

Are all of the kids his? If they are then he has just as much responsibility as you to be there and looking after them!! If you weren’t working it would be a bit fairer to expect you take on more but it’s not on to leave you to do it all alone for 3/4 days at a time!!

PimpMyFridge · 01/06/2023 18:52

Christ.
He won't be happy about your request.
Would he like to swap places with you - if the answer is no then he knows you've got the shitty end of the stick and he should share the load more fairly.
That is a very very unfair load.

NoSquirrels · 01/06/2023 19:03

Why is he working away more? Is it money, opportunities etc? Did you both discuss it before the change was made?

You’re not being unreasonable at all, you can’t do everything. Is there scope for more paid help?

NerrSnerr · 01/06/2023 19:11

Are you using childcare for the younger ones? If not could you afford it? If not, could one of you get an employed job that paid more so you could use childcare?

NEmama · 01/06/2023 19:13

Get some childcare

pandarific · 01/06/2023 19:15

You’re not waffling at all and you shouldn’t feel the need to apologise - it’s nuts that you’re doing all of this, you shouldn’t be. The working away so much would be a deal breaker for me, I just couldn’t do it. Hope you get it sorted with him.

LindorDoubleChoc · 01/06/2023 19:21

What sort of a life do your toddler and baby have? It's crazy that you would get into this situation with a large family when you have no childcare in place.

Myusername4321 · 01/06/2023 19:24

My husband works away 6-8 weeks at a time but gets 4-5 weeks at home. It's his job and always had been the money he would earn working at home is incomparable to what he earns working abroad, it's hard sometimes but it works for us for now. Having said that, we only have 2 DD's who are at an older age then your younger 2 and I also only work part time & term time.

You do have an awful lot on your plate especially if your health isn't good and lack of sleep. You should speak to him about your feelings of being overwhelmed, so what he says. Also like others have said is outside paid childcare possible?

I would also be massively expecting him to be doing the lion's share when he's home.

Original poster
Eyeofthelamp · 01/06/2023 19:27

LindorDoubleChoc · 01/06/2023 19:21

What sort of a life do your toddler and baby have? It's crazy that you would get into this situation with a large family when you have no childcare in place.

Thank you for making me feel like a shit mother on top of everything else.

OP posts:
Original poster
Eyeofthelamp · 01/06/2023 19:30

So DC3 attends childcare 9am to 2:30pm 3 days per week in term time. The baby will be starting in September similar hours/days. The is an acute lack of childcare where we live and a nanny wouldn’t be affordable.

I’m probably feeling more overwhelmed this week as it’s school holidays so the DC are at home.

OP posts:
Snoken · 01/06/2023 19:42

I think you should get a full-time job outside of the home and get full-time childcare from September. There is no way you can work and look after an active 3 year old and a 6 month old. This means you are now in a viscous circle of not be able to work properly and make enough money which means you can’t afford proper childcare. I am curious to know what you envisaged your life would look like with two additional small children. Even if both work from home, you are meant to be working and not doing childcare.

Comfused · 01/06/2023 19:47

Can your older 2 help you with some chores and some evenings keeping younger ones occupied.
Tbf I feel overwhelmed with 1 year old and I work 3 days a week and DH works from home and DS has childcare for 3 days a week, so hats off to you for how you are managing

MyFaceIsAnAONB · 01/06/2023 19:50

He started working away while you were very heavily pregnant or had a brand newborn?? I think that’s totally shitty tbh. YANBU at all.

Dibbydoos · 01/06/2023 19:51

I think partners who work away and expect their working partner to cope alone are selfish. They know its hard but haven't offered help cos they think the only way to help is to be home. We'll it isn't

Firstly can the kids help out a bit too? My kids have a job each which they do weekly or daily in addition to loading and unloading their washing in and out of the washing machine. It's nothing big - dishwasher or recycling, but it helps.

Secondly and more importantly, can you afford to get a cleaner/ gardener/ home help? If so, employ someone.

If those options fail, your DH will need to either come home more or spend his weekends cleaning, washinv clothes etc etc whilst you catch your breath.

beckyre · 01/06/2023 19:55

MyFaceIsAnAONB · 01/06/2023 19:50

He started working away while you were very heavily pregnant or had a brand newborn?? I think that’s totally shitty tbh. YANBU at all.

* Thank you for making me feel like a shit mother on top of everything else.*

Aww op you are not the only woman in this position I'm sorry you are struggling- it's hard being a single parent most of the time. I am in the same boat as you so following for helpful advice too. DP just announced he'll be travelling away for 3 days in a few weeks. At the moment his van isn't working so he's using my car. I'm needing to speak to him about being so selfish

MyFaceIsAnAONB · 01/06/2023 19:57

beckyre · 01/06/2023 19:55

* Thank you for making me feel like a shit mother on top of everything else.*

Aww op you are not the only woman in this position I'm sorry you are struggling- it's hard being a single parent most of the time. I am in the same boat as you so following for helpful advice too. DP just announced he'll be travelling away for 3 days in a few weeks. At the moment his van isn't working so he's using my car. I'm needing to speak to him about being so selfish

Show quote history

@beckyre not sure why you quoted me, it wasn’t me that OP said made her feel like shit 😵‍💫

ADHDDDDDDDBOOM · 01/06/2023 19:58

Working away! What absolute bliss, imagine that?!

OP YANBU.
Im in a very very similar position you.

I've asked DH to take a year off work because I can't cope Doing It All anymore.
And like your DH it's not out of laziness, rather that work keeps him physically away from the home for long periods of time.

twoandcooplease · 01/06/2023 19:59

@MyFaceIsAnAONB I didn't mean to quote your post sorry! It should have been 2 posts

orangegato · 01/06/2023 20:08

Why does he work away if it’s optional?

Freefall212 · 01/06/2023 20:10

orangegato · 01/06/2023 20:08

Why does he work away if it’s optional?

Agreed. I dont' understand the working away part.
Is it just personal choice to work away and he can choose to not work away?
What led to him starting to work away and what was the plan at that point in terms of how long that would last?
Are there negative consequences to him not working away in terms of his job?

Isthisexpected · 01/06/2023 20:25

Can you afford and would he subsidise you taking a break from work by paying into your pension etc? Either that or you have to work more to pay for childcare which seems bonkers to me if you have health issues too. You need less not more work.

doubledeckerfondue · 01/06/2023 20:29

Really feel for you OP, it sounds absolutely exhausting. YANBU at all. I don't know how you do it tbh! Why is he working away? Better money? Was it meant to be a longterm thing?

CLEO42 · 01/06/2023 20:34

If you can free up a bedroom in your home (it's a long shot I know with 4 DC!), you might consider an aupair? They work 20 hours a week for 'pocket money' £80-90 per week and they live with you as a family member and can do basic childcare/light housekeeping 4 hours a day. Might that be something you could consider?

Livelovebehappy · 01/06/2023 20:39

I guess it depends on whether your Dh actually needs to work away for periods of time as part of his job. If the nature of his business needs for him to work away, then you need to assess whether he will be earning a lot less money if he doesn’t, and what impact that will have on your financial situation.