To tell DH that I can’t do this any more?

[Eyeofthelamp]

I have 4 DC (17yrs - SEN, 12yrs, 3yrs & 6m). DH and I are both self employed and I work from home full time. I took no maternity leave after each of the youngest children and I went straight back to work as there is no way anyone else could do my job, plus I don't have the money to employ anyone. We have no family to help either, it’s just me, DH and DC.

DH has started regularly working away from home since the beginning of the year and I'm on my own 3-4 days per week juggling the kids, work, the house, dogs etc. and quite frankly I'm exhausted. My health has been a bit iffy recently and I'm back to the docs tomorrow for more bloods.

Anyway, I want to tell him that I'm struggling with him being away so much and to ask him not work away for a while. Am I being unreasonable? Should I just suck it up? I know other husbands work away much more that this, but I'm literally doing everything alone. I have chronic insomnia and I'm doing everything for the kids from the second I get up until the second I go to bed (DC3 is a handful!) whilst also trying to run a business and look after a the house. It's just too much and it's making me miserable. I literally can't go on like this. I know DH won't be happy but I'm not sure what else to do.

Sorry for waffling and thank you if you made it this far!

YANBU, at all.

you are doing all of the everything, all of the time.

anyone would feel totally overwhelmed.

Tbh I was exhausted reading it, let alone living it.

a proper chat about domestic, admin & childcare tasks is needed. He will probably moan but as a pp noted, would he swap? No way as he knows the tasks are all everything on you. It’s not fair and it’s not right.

I am in a similar situation but I only have one 6 year old daughter and I struggle. I do have a cleaner who comes twice a week. I work full time but 3 days at home. I'm not sure how ai would cope with several children so I am not surprised you are feeling the strain. It's lonely too. I use childcare, after school club, holiday clubs and I have w childminder look after my daughter one afternoon a week until I get home around 6.30. I occasionally book w gardener too. The other thing I do is take myself off when my husband is home. Meet with the girls or just go for a pedicure or something. This just about keeps me sane!

I agree, so many posts by parents struggling when actually just choosing to have less kids would have avoided many of the problems. Particularly sad when older children have SEN as they can’t be getting the support they need.

To answer the OP, presumably the husband choose to have a 4th child so he should be equally responsible for the extra workload, and should not be working away. He sounds like a CF trying to hide from his responsibilities.

Are you self employed?

Please ignore me! It's right there in your first line! Apologies.

What you're trying to achieve is basically impossible.
A single person cannot possibly work full time, look after a baby full time, a toddler nearly full time, a dog, a house, a child with special needs, and another one. It's impossible.
You say others do it, I really really hope no one else does. Some will do some of it.

The two of you got yourselves in to this mess, which it is I'm afraid, it will take the two of you to get through it. Not just one. Not just you. That's not fair at all.

I'm not surprised he's working away. That would be bliss compared to what he's left you with.

What you're trying to achieve is basically impossible. A single person cannot possibly work full time, look after a baby full time, a toddler nearly full time, a dog, a house, a child with special needs, and another one. It's impossible

Agree with this. You either need to outsource a lot more (proper childcare mostly) or your DH needs to be around a lot more to take up some of the slack. I’m not surprised you are approaching burnout.

My goodness. So firstly no you’re not unreasonable, you have hit your breaking point. I have a DSC 17 & 13, a 4 year old and an 8 month old. I have been fortunate enough to have six months of Mat leave with each of mine before 4 days a week nursery. We also have a dog and I also have a husband that goes away sometimes (although not as frequently). Something has to change but some things of what I do, there maybe something that may help. We implemented some major changes after the second was born.

We have LOADs of uniform - enough to only do a wash a week and wear clean clothes every day.

Every meal I make will do an extra for the freezer. Spaghetti bolognaise, cauliflower cheese, chilli, curry, campsite stew etc etc on bad weeks I don’t have to cook at all

If you can afford it, make sure they all have school/nursery lunches, there was pushback from DSC on this and I put my foot down and when I went back to work - so much time!

Declutter, everything. Less stuff less mess!

When DP is home go out, on your own even if for an hour to walk the dog for an enjoyable walk rather than one of those ‘how quick can we get round the field’ walks.

I’m sorry things are so hard. Remember after 5/6 months when they start solids baby will get easier- you’re in the hardest time right now I think for feeling entirely overwhelmed.

The "why did you have more kids" comments are so pointless, just needling at a shit situation. It's not like they can go back in is it?! Also, if you read the OP it clearly states the baby is 6 months old and the DH started working away at the beginning of this year. So after the baby was born.

OP you do need to have a proper conversation with your DH. Something has to give as clearly this is totally unsustainable. Either he works away less, if that is possible, or you have to step back from your business whilst the youngest children are small.
^
Your DH can also make life much easier in the week (and frankly he should be doing this regardless of where he is working given you have 4 children and you are working) by setting things up at the weekend. So 5 sets of clean uniform and sports kits etc. ready for the oldest ones. Clothes sorted into outfits for the smallest ones. Batch cooked meals so you only have to chuck on some pasta and heat up a sauce in the evenings. Etc.^
^
I really feel for you. ^

No idea why I have italics in my post

That's really not helpful fgs

This. For this to be sustainable, you need a housekeeper and nanny. As you cannot afford these, a rethink of working patterns is essential.

If my dhs job started requiring him to work away I’d tell him he needed a new job, because our children need two parents and I need a partner parenting with me. YANBU at all, I would be very clear this isn’t working, and you need a different job. Until then, when he’s home, walk out for a few hours every weekend. Tell him he gets this every night when away and you need some of it too, you are a person too.

How nice for him to be able to work away while his children are looked after, his house is cared for and you also bring in income. Quite the setup.

I would have lost my shit a long time ago.

I know DH won't be happy but I'm not sure what else to do

That's just tough shit for him then, isn't it? Ask him to swap places with you, and see if he'd be happy do it, I bet he wouldn't!

Your situation just isn't sustainable. How can you possibly manage working full time while also looking after the house, kids, dogs, cooking, shopping etc on your own. While he just swans off to work away.

Something has to give. You have four children, who you are both responsible for. You need to sit down with him and talk about what you are BOTH going to do to fix this. I assume he won't be happy because he will see it as restricting his career? What about your career? Why should you be the one making all the sacrifices?

My husband has nearly always worked away, unfortunately it’s the nature of his job and there’s nothing local, I wish there was. It’s just me at home now so it’s not such an issue, apart from 3 dogs to walk.

If he could find work closer and be based at home that would be ideal, can he do this? Could you reduce your hours? Or are you financially constrained and need to work full time hours? It’s not an easy one and I understand your exhaustion and frustration, it’s a difficult situation.

You need to have a chat with him and explain how you’re feeling, he probably thinks everything is ok and you don’t mind him working away. Most men aren’t mind readers, if only, my husband is oblivious unless I point things out, living in his own little world 🥴. I hope you can find a solution and look after yourself.