To ask whether your own holidays are navigated around everyone else...

[Livelifelaughter]

I don't have children...I have traditionally had great holidays to unusual places. As I have grown older along with my friends more are asking to join me . The only problem is that I am getting a lot of "I will go to X with you" but when it comes to it fixing a date is on their terms so its "Can't do June as going away with children... can't do early October as university starts for daughter... can't do X as husband is away " so taking into account weather, cost of flights it all becomes a very narrow window. I appreciate that there's compromise but I find that they tend to sort out their family events and then slot me in, which is fine if I was asking to join them but it's the other way around...

I absolutely do

why? Because my children are my priority. So if a holiday meant cancelling plans with them or missing one of their birthdays or a graduation etc etc… then I simply wouldn’t want to go on holiday then

It’s “fine” irrespective whoever makes the suggestion of going away on holiday!! Whether you or them

So just say that doesn't work for you, sorry, maybe you can go together another time.

You have started a number of threads about you being disappointed in various friends for different reasons

I appreciate that there's compromise but I find that they tend to sort out their family events and then slot me in, which is fine if I was asking to join them but it's the other way around...

YABU. It makes sense for them to tell you when you are busy.
Just because they have asked you to do something doesn't mean they need to entirely clear their calander.
If the times they can do don't suit you then don't go.
No big deal.

Your disappointed with one friend because she’s always late, another friend about politics, another friend about….

and so it goes on

I think it’s fair for you not to be slotted in around other schedulable things but it’s not clear that’s what’s happening here, from your op. I don’t schedule the school holidays, I just react to knowing school is out then and I need to make arrangements for my children. Ditto university start- it’s a thing that happens, I can’t change the date or decide my dc will start next year instead, and often for work trips too?
the June holiday with dc you mention may have been schedulable or it just may have been school holiday timing?
in any case you are entitled to take your holidyas whenever you would like, so I would start saying cheerily, of course I’m lining up the next one in a week or so, I’ll let you know what flex I have with dates, would be great if you can join! And send them a few date options that suit you. If they can’t make them say oh shame maybe in a year or so! And check with other friends who have expressed interest - hey Eliza I’m going to x in may, you said you were keen, still interested? Would probably be flying out on about the 12th for a week. Assert yourself.

Agree.

OP does it ever occur to you that with so many problems with so many people it might actually be your own outlook and expectations?

In a nutshell op

you are not as important to your friends as their children and husband.

and there is nothing wrong or surprising about that

I have traditionally had great holidays to unusual places. As I have grown older along with my friends more are asking to join me

You can keep having your great holidays to unusual places. If your friends can’t come when you were planning to go, go without them.

I still have young children so it might be a bit different but yes, my trips with friends (or on my own) have to work around them and my work.
It does mean that I’m not as flexible as I was when I was single, child free and had fewer work commitments but I think that’s life.
I love going away with my friends but co-ordinating calendars can be a bit of a mission.
Can you just do a shared calendar where they highlight the dates you’re free and they highlight the dates that they’re free and you see what matches up (I’ve found it helps to be a bit flexible with destination if you’re doing this, so you don’t spend a week in the freezing rain/45 degree heat!)

If you don’t want to compromise then just say ‘I’m going to X on these dates, do you fancy coming?’ If that isn’t suitable for them then you can either ask someone else or go alone.

OP go off on holiday with groups of singles or on your own.

If you wait for your friends you will never go.

Two of my SILs go on at least one holiday a year (excluding Covid), and have done for about 20 years, on their own. If they waited until my brothers had free time they would have missed out going to great places.

I get that, but I don't really then think it's reasonable to say that you really want to go to X place with a friend and expect them to fit their plans around you....

They’re not.

They are giving their availability

you have every right to give your availability

Are you saying someone who has kids and therefore wouldn't miss a birthday/ graduation should never make friends with someone who doesn't have those commitments?
Otherwise they would never be able to make plans for dinner, a day out or a holiday if they have certain commitments they have to work around?

It is normal to not be free 365 days a year. They want to do something with you and are giving you their availability. If that doesn't suit when you are available then it doesn't happen. It doesn't mean they are unreasonable for trying to make plans. They aren't expecting you to work around them at your own expense. You either find a time that works for you both or you skip the plan for now.

You just seem to have very high expectations of people and whether they are making 'enough' of an effort.

Then you say sorry that isn’t suitable for me. Of course you have to plan holiday around the time they are available. Isn’t that how everyone books holiday?

I feel I am really flexible and have compromised but it's hard when you're single and your friends aren't and are doing family holidays at optimum times, such as June early July and other months as those are the optimum months for me too. Honestly I actually wanted to go on the trip alone !

Fair enough..

Either get some new friends whose lifestyles align better with yours or accept that the friends you do have are, quite rightly in my opinion, never going to prioritise you over their children and spouses.

Start giving your availability first. They can then see if they can join you. The end result will be the same, you'll only be able to go together if you are both free, but it may make you feel less like you are always having to be the flexible one. Which I do get.

Not the same situation, but I often feel like we (my partner, 2 kids and I) always slot in to what works for everyone else, and it drives me nuts. Yes, there is always going to have to be give if you want to see someone, but it should work both ways.

As a friendship group, we've now started making a poll when we suggest something - so if I wanted to arrange a meal out, I'd suggest it and then include all of the dates I have available in the next few weeks. Anyone else who is up for it would then vote for the dates they are free, and we then book in for the closest date everyone can make. It makes things so much easier.

That's really an extreme response and ridiculous. Of course I am not saying that someone with children can't be friends with someone who doesn't...
What I am saying is that if a person with children (hers are at uni) invites themself on your holiday and you give them a selection of the three months in the year when you would like to go, I don't really think it's reasonable for them to say they can't go rather than expecting me to change my plans..

Thank you, some of the ans on here are basically saying I am expecting my friends to drop their husbands and children... although men seem very able to go on "boys " trips.. In my situation a lot of my friends with families ask to join me, I haven't invited them or suggested it

I do give my availability upfront, I probably haven't explained this very well, but I find it quite annoying when they are adamant about going with me.

That's really an extreme response and ridiculous. Of course I am not saying that someone with children can't be friends with someone who doesn't...
What I am saying is that if a person with children (hers are at uni) invites themself on your holiday and you give them a selection of the three months in the year when you would like to go, I don't really think it's reasonable for them to say they can't go rather than expecting me to change my plans.

No one is telling you to change your plans!

If you're busy when she is free then thats the end of it. No need for all the complaining.
And it hardly sounds like she said she was busy for 9 months of the year. You're being so dramatic.

"Can't do June as going away with children... can't do early October as university starts for daughter... can't do X as husband is away "

I would just go on your own. If questioned, just say that you enjoy the flexibility of going when you want and obviously it’s a lot cheaper outside of the school holidays. Don’t feel bad, go and enjoy yourself!