Page 2 | To ask whether your own holidays are navigated around everyone else...

Sissynova · 01/06/2023 11:40

Thank you, some of the ans on here are basically saying I am expecting my friends to drop their husbands and children... although men seem very able to go on "boys " trips..

I'm sure they also work within their family commitments like holidays and graduations...

Your friends can go on holidays, nothing to do with men and women, you just aren't happy to go when they are free.

JorisBonson · 01/06/2023 11:40

I don't have children and, if I go away with friends, they are also childfree. We often struggle to find suitable dates as we are both busy with other things. It's just life, regardless of whether you have children or not.

Original poster

Livelifelaughter · 01/06/2023 11:42

Sissynova · 01/06/2023 11:39

That's really an extreme response and ridiculous. Of course I am not saying that someone with children can't be friends with someone who doesn't...
What I am saying is that if a person with children (hers are at uni) invites themself on your holiday and you give them a selection of the three months in the year when you would like to go, I don't really think it's reasonable for them to say they can't go rather than expecting me to change my plans.

No one is telling you to change your plans!

If you're busy when she is free then thats the end of it. No need for all the complaining.
And it hardly sounds like she said she was busy for 9 months of the year. You're being so dramatic.

"Can't do June as going away with children... can't do early October as university starts for daughter... can't do X as husband is away "

So why doesn't everyone take a holiday at any month of the year then...

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Shinyandnew1 · 01/06/2023 11:44

What I am saying is that if a person with children (hers are at uni) invites themself on your holiday and you give them a selection of the three months in the year when you would like to go, I don't really think it's reasonable for them to say they can't go rather than expecting me to change my plans

If someone invites themselves on your holiday (and you want them to come!) you say when you’re going. If they can’t make it, they don’t come.

Sissynova · 01/06/2023 11:44

So why doesn't everyone take a holiday at any month of the year then...

Of course people take holidays all year round. Are you saying they don't?

You just seem to be irrationally pissed off that your friend already had plans to go away with her family in June. Clearly your friend still has the constraints of an academic calendar to work to if she wants to go on holiday with her older children. Really don't see what your issue is.

creasedclothes · 01/06/2023 11:46

It depends if both you and her see this as

going on holiday together- so deciding location and dates together or as

-her being welcome to join you- on a holiday you have already decided upon, already have in mind and would be going on by yourself even without her. If you want to do the second type, make sure this is obvious by presenting the location and general time period as non negotiable.

Original poster

Livelifelaughter · 01/06/2023 11:49

Sissynova · 01/06/2023 11:44

So why doesn't everyone take a holiday at any month of the year then...

Of course people take holidays all year round. Are you saying they don't?

You just seem to be irrationally pissed off that your friend already had plans to go away with her family in June. Clearly your friend still has the constraints of an academic calendar to work to if she wants to go on holiday with her older children. Really don't see what your issue is.

Because she asked to go with me on the trip.
It's a walking trip. The best months are April, May, June, September and October. Neither of us could do April or May. The months she won't do as she has other trips in those months.
I would be happy to go alone which was my intention.

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Original poster

Livelifelaughter · 01/06/2023 11:52

creasedclothes · 01/06/2023 11:46

It depends if both you and her see this as

going on holiday together- so deciding location and dates together or as

-her being welcome to join you- on a holiday you have already decided upon, already have in mind and would be going on by yourself even without her. If you want to do the second type, make sure this is obvious by presenting the location and general time period as non negotiable.

Yes I think you're right, it's the second type. What I am not good at is after giving her options of then saying " sorry those months don't work for you but maybe we can do something another time when we are both available"

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user1469095927 · 01/06/2023 11:55

Agreed @Monkeymonkeymoo . I have three kids and work 4 days a week. A friend of mine who lives far away would text me with a days notice to say they were visiting and was I free for a catch up over coffee/dinner etc. Invariably I would have to say no as it was too short notice to find baby sitter, pick up kids from school/nursery, expect husband to change working hours to accommodate. On the face of it, it seems like a simple request but the reality is that unless you have another parent at home all day, kids who are old enough to be left home alone or grandparents who can babysit at a moments notice, the majority of parents are limited by work, school pickup and holiday times.

FatCatBum · 01/06/2023 11:55

If you are planning on going anyway and they have jumped in with 'I'll come' then if their restrictions don't work for you, just go without them

BellaJuno · 01/06/2023 11:55

It’s all about priorities surely. Sounds like your friends prioritise family commitments above a holiday with a friend (perfectly understandable/ normal) and you prioritise your preference for when you want to go on holiday over your friends availability (again, perfectly understandable / normal).

Original poster

Livelifelaughter · 01/06/2023 11:59

BellaJuno · 01/06/2023 11:55

It’s all about priorities surely. Sounds like your friends prioritise family commitments above a holiday with a friend (perfectly understandable/ normal) and you prioritise your preference for when you want to go on holiday over your friends availability (again, perfectly understandable / normal).

I agree. I have some other friends with children and we are going away in November because it works for them and the weather will be good at our destination.
I think I know that in this particular case that I need a break in the period when I suggested so if I wait for her timings I won't get that...also colder months aren't an option for the hike that I am hoping to do.

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Original poster

Livelifelaughter · 01/06/2023 12:02

FatCatBum · 01/06/2023 11:55

If you are planning on going anyway and they have jumped in with 'I'll come' then if their restrictions don't work for you, just go without them

Yes. I posted because I know she will be disappointed because she wants to do something without her family this year as well as doing things with them and I feel bad about not working around her...but I also need a break and she will be getting that with her family

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worktired · 01/06/2023 12:06

Tbh OP I used to go on holiday alone before I had kids & loved it. I met people along the way who were travelling together and falling out over where they were going/activities & remember thinking that travelling alone was preferable!

Mydusa · 01/06/2023 12:12

Maybe see if a date round the margins of those months will work for you both. Maybe considering the last few days of Aug would be OK if budget allows, even if it's not an optimal walking month, or the first few days of Sept would be OK around your friend's commitments.

If you really can't agree a date then your options are to go without her or look at dates for next year. I don't think she's asking you to change your plans. The world is a big place, I'm sure you can find somewhere else you'd both like to visit another time.

Brendabigbaps · 01/06/2023 12:18

Livelifelaughter · 01/06/2023 11:17

I get that, but I don't really then think it's reasonable to say that you really want to go to X place with a friend and expect them to fit their plans around you....

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But that’s what you’re expecting them to do with you.

you need to find a convenient time for both of you.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 01/06/2023 12:20

Just decide where you want to go and when you want to go, and stick to it. If other people want to join you in that place at that time, great! But if they can't, that is also fine. Don't get into complex negotiations about it.

Original poster

Livelifelaughter · 01/06/2023 12:42

Brendabigbaps · 01/06/2023 12:18

But that’s what you’re expecting them to do with you.

you need to find a convenient time for both of you.

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I am not though...I have said I am going to X and my friend has said I would like to go with you but can't go in the months that you have suggested because I may be going on family holidays and or have other commitments. I was going to go alone or another friend has expressed an interest for when I can go...

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Original poster

Livelifelaughter · 01/06/2023 12:47

Mydusa · 01/06/2023 12:12

Maybe see if a date round the margins of those months will work for you both. Maybe considering the last few days of Aug would be OK if budget allows, even if it's not an optimal walking month, or the first few days of Sept would be OK around your friend's commitments.

If you really can't agree a date then your options are to go without her or look at dates for next year. I don't think she's asking you to change your plans. The world is a big place, I'm sure you can find somewhere else you'd both like to visit another time.

What's funny is I was going to do this trip last year and she asked to go then but we couldn't find dates! I think I will just explain that I really do need a break and can't afford too many other trips so as much as I would love her to join me I do need to stick to the months I have suggested...a week or so around them is fine. I think it's a question for her of also not wanting trips to close to each other but sometimes that's the only option, I have had to do that loads of times..

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Fairyliz · 01/06/2023 12:56

I understand where you are coming from op. My friends and I all have grown up children, but it’s still a nightmare trying to arrange anything. I suggest things on date A, B or C and there is always someone who can’t make it due to a family event. They then act like I am trying to exclude them if I want to go ahead and book.
It means that we only seem to meet up for a night out a couple of times a year when everyone is available. Really annoying as I finally have the time and money to do things.

Original poster

Livelifelaughter · 01/06/2023 13:07

Fairyliz · 01/06/2023 12:56

I understand where you are coming from op. My friends and I all have grown up children, but it’s still a nightmare trying to arrange anything. I suggest things on date A, B or C and there is always someone who can’t make it due to a family event. They then act like I am trying to exclude them if I want to go ahead and book.
It means that we only seem to meet up for a night out a couple of times a year when everyone is available. Really annoying as I finally have the time and money to do things.

I know, I feel guilty for excluding her but by the same token I wouldn't expect her to invite me to her family trips... although some of my friends have done.

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Identifyingasadolphin · 01/06/2023 13:32

I’m with you OP.
I have friends who see me on social mefia doing some outing or other and ask if they can arrange a day to do the same, I spend ages agreeing to meet halfway, send photos, maps, directions, car parks, timings, takes effort and time on my part to organise - then late at night the day before - they send a one liner they “can’t make it” (while I have given up another activity to accommodate their request).. They stay with their family unit, meanwhile I am alone, and have effectively my a day.

Others with families ask to meet for lunch, I give up another paid activity to accommodate the request - then they cancel me on the morning of the event. They are fine, life goes on, they have their family for company - I’m widowed.

So in answer to your question, I have learn’t just to say “I am doing X on Y date” - and if they join me fine, if not I just get on with it, I don’t wait or change my plans, same with holidays.

Original poster

Livelifelaughter · 01/06/2023 16:14

GiveupHQ · 01/06/2023 11:00

In a nutshell op

you are not as important to your friends as their children and husband.

and there is nothing wrong or surprising about that

Fine, but respect that I have commitments and value my time. I not saying this about my friend but I don't think families should feel those who aren't should work around them

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FatCatBum · 01/06/2023 17:13

Yes. I posted because I know she will be disappointed because she wants to do something without her family this year as well as doing things with them and I feel bad about not working around her...but I also need a break and she will be getting that with her family

She can be disappointed, but if she won't show any flexibility she can't expect everything to work round her. Could you do this one on your own and arrange something else with her later?

mellicauli · 01/06/2023 17:32

Your friend wants to do the trip with you but reality is she’s too busy. I would just say sorry if like to have done it with her but I’ve waited a year and it’s clearly impossible . Tell her you are going anyway but maybe you can do it again together next year (when she’ll no doubt be too busy again).