To worry about regret so much

[Torven]

Pretty certain I shouldn't have kids. I don't have the "calling" urge and I know I'm really selfish (not with adult friends etc, I hope, I just think I'd be a selfish cow mother because of the intensity and I don't think it's right to make a person exist unless you are 100% committed to being the best parent you can be).

But I'm also really scared I'm going to regret it when it's definitely too late. It's easier to make a choice when you have a choice.

Had a pregnancy scare this month but turned out to be a chemical and now I feel a bit messed up. I might be too old anyway (40) and the feeling that I might have made a terrible life choice.

I know it's stupid and childfree people have a great time in different ways and my gut tells me that's my tribe but I feel so socially conditioned to associate kids with happiness and it's hard to shake off. My friends with kids are great and we talk about it a lot but I think the amazing things about having a family can't really be explained in words so there can be more emphasis on mundane downsides simply because love and soul and selflessness are so private and indescribable.

DP is happy with either. We've been together for 20 years nearly and we know each other as much as that's ever possible. He thinks we can have a great time either way.

Anyway. Aibu to be wondering if I should want to want a baby? Or try anyway.

Thanks.

If you wanted to, you'd feel as though you wanted to.

It's probably your hormones settling from the disruption that is making you second guess yourself this way. A nonsensical way, actually, but that's hormones for you.

Don't try for a baby because you think you should want one. That would be completely nuts.

You may find this helpful OP

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/living-single/202003/7-reasons-people-shouldnt-fear-theyll-regret-not-having-kids#:~:text=7.-,To%20fear%20future%20regret%20about%20not%20having%20children%20is%20to,by%20the%20choice%20to%20parent.

Has the chemical got you thinking “what if?” If it hadn’t of been for that so you think you’d be in this limbo? Are your worried about your biological clock ticking? So many factors to unpack here ….if your starting to think it’s something that you want go for it! I think 40 is a great age to have a baby.

I didn't want kids until I did and it hit me hard. It was almost all I could ever think about for a while.
If you really wanted one, you'd know.
You'd want what your friends with children have.
If you do, then 40 is fine.
If not, that's fine too.

When you picture your life in 10, 15 years time, what are you doing? Is there a child with you?

I'm childfree by choice and would much rather have regretted not having children than regretted having them.

(I'm almost 40 and still no regrets).

Kids are not all they are cracked up to be

I envy you, do not have them

I never had any. Mid/late 50s now.
I thought it was certainly possible that one day I would wake up and want a baby enough to try for one (I've seen enough to be clear, kids are hard work even when you wanted them more than anything!).
Never happened.
Felt slightly sad when menopause came along ... The ghosts of the children we never had.
Right this minute though, I'm DEEPLY grateful I don't have a teen going through GCSEs, which I would if I'd conceived at 40! I do have friends (now 60+) who had a single kid at about 40 and they seem happy though,
So you do you, but don't think you'll be wracked with regret, because afaics that doesn't happen!

Don’t worry so much about regret, lest it paralyze you. I’m not sure that living plagued by the fear of regret is any less a burden than living with regret.

no matter what course of action you decide upon, there is potential for regret. There’s no escaping that, it’s part of life. The potential for something is not the same as it’s realization.

If it helps any, there’s no evidence to suggest that the childfree are more inclined to regret than parents:

https://msutoday.msu.edu/news/2023/childfree-study-confirmed-April2023

“Particularly interesting was a more zoomed-in finding: that childless couples had no more regrets later in life than parents, contradicting a commonly cited concern.”

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/12054274/

This study examines regret and psychological well-being among 72 middle-aged and older women who are either voluntarily childless, involuntarily childless, or mothers. Group comparisons indicate that, when compared to involuntarily childless women, voluntarily childless women show higher levels of overall well-being, rate themselves as more autonomous with greater environmental mastery, and are less likely to have a child-related regret

I don't think you're unreasonable to feel like you do, but I think you would be unreasonable to have a baby essentially out of fear (fear you may not be as happy without one as you would be with one).

I think those who have a child to make themselves happy are setting themselves up for a miserable time, because children don’t bring happiness.

Relationships, having fun, spending your time and energy on this planet in a meaningful way, these things bring happiness. Children are a common way for people to accomplish those things, but they are not the only way. And children also bring with them a huge amount of stress, worry and heartache.

I think you need to do some serious soul searching about what makes you happy.

I, for example, am childfree. I have loving family and friends, time to pursue interests and travel. I am not always happy, far from it, but I don’t know that a child would bring me any more happiness. They might, if I manage to produce and raise a healthy, easy, sweet natured, compliant and happy child. But I work in schools, have friends with children, and spend far too much time on mumsnet, so I and know that this depends to a large degree on the roll of a dice, and I like my life too much to gamble on it.

If you wanted a baby, if it was right for you, you'd know. There would be no doubt in your mind.

My husband and I were in two minds about having kids or not. We got speaking to a woman at an event we went to and she gave me some of the most valuable advice I think I've ever had she told me "I thought my life couldn't get any better and then I had my son".

For me, the time is never right, there's always going to be a reason why you should put it off or why you shouldn't have them. But for me my kids have unlocked a side of my life i never knew was there and brought me a level of happiness I didn't think was possible. I was always happy, my husband and I are very fortunate and have always had a very easy and great relationship. Parenthood brings its challenges for sure but I do not regret a single thing.

If you’re not sure I honestly wouldn’t. It’s incredibly hard work, particularly when you’re older. Not only have you got to navigate higher incidences of miscarriage due to abnormalities but even if you get your ‘healthy’ baby there is no assurance the child won’t have other problems.

You’ll want to give your child a sibling and hate yourself that you can’t. You will get completely immersed in living your life cycle by cycle, analyse anything from cervical fluid to faint lines/no lines on pregnancy tests. You’ll start to hate pregnant women, resent baby adverts on TV. It’s an absolute world of pain waiting for you so if you’re not bothered, do something, anything else.

Thanks for the link, that's really helpful.

And thanks for your thoughts. I suppose what troubles me is that I love my partner so much and who wouldn't want an extra bit of love in life but it's different because they're so reliant on you and also because you didn't pick them you might not like them.

I know the concept of loving but not liking is widely recognised but I can't imagine what it feels like. I've never been one for doing things out of "duty" but that's because I've always been able to opt out of it before with no harm done.

I definitely don't want a small child in that instinctive way some people get. The thought of nappies troubles me. But I can see that an older child could be a lovely part of living.

If if if I know this whole thing is just part of life and we can never travel all the paths. It's hard, eh.

I was brought up by a divorced single mother in 70s where it was still a stigma and realised if I had DC I’d want them in a committed relationship.

I got pregnant unexpectedly at 17 which was a shock for everyone and I had a termination. I also got pregnant and had a miscarriage at 21 when I was engaged but I ended up not getting married. My 2 best friends when younger, one had a child at 18 to get away from her DM and get a council flat, then had another child 2 years later, she told me she wasn’t happy having kids and wished she hadn’t had them! Another best friend got pregnant at 24 but she’d travelled, lived her life before having her child, she also had support from her DM.

i then spent most of my fertile years worrying if I was pregnant despite being on the pill and taking MAP. Even though I was in good relationships I didn’t want to be pregnant yet the biological clock does funny things to your head plus society.

I agree with others saying if you’re not sure don’t do it as it is hard work from what friends and family tell me.

Im child free by choice im almost 40 i dont think i would cope with the sleepless nights tantrums or teen dramas dont do it becoz you feel you need to only do what you want i dont regret my choice but i do know a few women that do sadly regret having children .

Or can you see yourself maybe retiring a bit early and doing lots of travelling?

You've never wanted children and now you're worried you'll regret not having any. What happens if you do have one and regret it?

If if if I know this whole thing is just part of life and we can never travel all the paths. It's hard, eh.

Don't lose sight of this. It's tempting to think there is one perfect path through life that will result in complete happiness and satisfaction - we just have to choose the correct path at each major decision point, and woe betide if you pick wrong!

In reality, most big/hard choices have positives and negatives, and we make our own happiness (and experience unavoidable sadness) wherever our paths take us.

I had DC because I thought I might regret it. They're 20 and 18 now and we absolutely did the right thing. The very best moments of my life have been since they came along.
Having said that me and DH have a strong marriage and have pulled together. Make no mistake, the vast vast majority of men don't take the DC with them, let alone do 50/50 if the relationship fails.

I'm not sure I agree with this. Thinking long, hard, logically and critically about having children can cause doubt. It's a big decision and in a lot of ways doesn't really make sense to do it.

You can make a decision and then roll with it, stick to it. I think a healthy amount of doubt about most decisions is good and shows you're giving it thought - not just saying oh fuck it why not.

This is really good, thank you for sharing!

This.

If the only thing driving you at this stage is a fear of missing out on a source of happiness for yourself... I think it's a no. I think the risk of having a child you regret - and having a child is probably life's only decision for which there are no takebacks - is a much worse outcome than regretting not having a child. Not giving birth also doesnt mean you can't be present in the lives of children and young adults in other ways if you choose. You can mentor, volunteer, be an honorary auntie, if you so choose.

Just dont build your life around "just" a man - don't have kids just because you are happy together without them. Make the decision based on what you want. have to admit to being a bit 😳 when people go on about the fact they are with the love of their lives and can't imagine bringing a child into it and they'll live happily together forever in their kid free life....except when he buggers off for a younger model (most likely then has kids with her) and then what do you have to show for your lives together?