To worry about regret so much

[Torven]

Pretty certain I shouldn't have kids. I don't have the "calling" urge and I know I'm really selfish (not with adult friends etc, I hope, I just think I'd be a selfish cow mother because of the intensity and I don't think it's right to make a person exist unless you are 100% committed to being the best parent you can be).

But I'm also really scared I'm going to regret it when it's definitely too late. It's easier to make a choice when you have a choice.

Had a pregnancy scare this month but turned out to be a chemical and now I feel a bit messed up. I might be too old anyway (40) and the feeling that I might have made a terrible life choice.

I know it's stupid and childfree people have a great time in different ways and my gut tells me that's my tribe but I feel so socially conditioned to associate kids with happiness and it's hard to shake off. My friends with kids are great and we talk about it a lot but I think the amazing things about having a family can't really be explained in words so there can be more emphasis on mundane downsides simply because love and soul and selflessness are so private and indescribable.

DP is happy with either. We've been together for 20 years nearly and we know each other as much as that's ever possible. He thinks we can have a great time either way.

Anyway. Aibu to be wondering if I should want to want a baby? Or try anyway.

Thanks.

I was completely ambivalent about kids. Decided to try, couldn't, and was told the only way was to try IVf. Worst decision to have to make but we decided not to put ourselves through it. Now I'm 46, I can't imagine having children and I'd say 99% of the time I feel like I dodged a bullet! 1% of the time (usually Mother's Day) I can have a bit of a ponder, but I think 99% is pretty good! I have friends with a toddler and their life looks so hard. I'm glad I have the life I do now and I'm please now with what was still a hard decision when it was made.

But children is only "something to show for it" if you actually wanted children in the first place. If you have happy years in a relationship, you will always have had those years; they won't get taken away from you if the relationship ends, any more than they do if your partner, say, dies prematurely. You're still working from the basis that the only thing that validates a woman's existence is children, and "to validate that I didn't waste my years on earth" is a really shit reason to have children.

Agree with all of this.

There's also a lot of men who don't want children and won't inevitably run off and have them with someone else. My DH is on the list for the snip!

For me the idea of regretting children is far worse than regretting not having them. My father resented me and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I am too selfish honestly. I love my lie ins and being able to go out whenever I want or travel without worrying about having to accommodate children. I dote on my siblings children but am always very glad to leave them behind. I have lots of hobbies that keep me busy too.

People talk about what happens when you get older but I have known plenty of people whose children never visit anyway.

For many of us it’s not a clear-cut, easy decision. I envy women who always knew they wanted children (and were able to do so), but I also envy women who were sure they didn’t.

I am 43 and terrified by the idea of pregnancy and childbirth - before even considering the huge weight of responsibility afterwards of raising a healthy, happy human. However, coming from a lovely family, it has often weighed on my mind that I would regret not having my own. My sister was not overly fussed, but had her first at 40 and second at 42. She says the love she feels for them is overwhelming and I will never know anything like it - but she is peri-menopausal at 46, with two small children, and she is miserable and exhausted ALL the time. Her marriage is hanging by a thread from the stress of it all. Obviously that won’t last forever, but it is no picnic becoming a mum in your forties when your energy levels and hormones are all over the shop.

As for me, I assumed I’d meet the right person and suddenly, magically, want a baby. But NO! I fell pregnant at 37 in a loving relationship, but when I found out I was petrified. The pregnancy hormones made me deranged, and I cried hysterically all the time and felt suicidal. I had just told my family and decided to go ahead with the pregnancy (mainly because I felt I “should” at my age) when I miscarried at 9 weeks. My overwhelming emotion? Relief. That seems to be such a taboo, but it’s the truth.

The happiest of all my female friends is the only one (besides me) without children. She has a very full life and a close relationship with her nephews and nieces. She may be less happy when she’s 70, but I doubt it, it’s not her nature - she has a great outlook on life. The flip side is that the most miserable one is me - I’ve suffered debilitating bouts of depression since 17 (yet another reason why I wouldn’t be a great parent). I may always be ruminating on my life choices, but that seems to be how I’m wired. I don’t think it’s right for me to have a child to try to “fix” MY lack of purpose.

I know people who are estranged from their grown up children; I know people who don’t particularly like their small children; I know people who adore their children and think/talk/breathe them; I know single parents who cope and coupled parents who don’t. Unhelpfully, nothing is certain and it’s a leap of faith whichever path you choose. Not that long ago women didn’t have that choice - plenty became mothers who really shouldn’t have, and fucked up their children in any number of ways. You are the only one who can weigh up the pros and cons that apply to you, and your life. You are so fortunate to have a wonderful relationship of 20 years, so try to do what’s best for the two of you and your long term happiness. Good luck!

I don't think the idea of regretting them is a good enough reason to have them really. Children are such a huge commitment - they take all your time and energy and cause huge amounts of stress as they get older. You have to really want them to put yourself through that!
I know many people without children, who are now too old to have them. Not one of them regrets their decision.
For me having kids was the right thing to do but I've always known since childhood that I really wanted to be a mother.

I’m a couple years older than you and have known since I was a teenager I don’t want children. Whenever people ask me about regretting my decision I always say I would rather regret not having than having them. This is always followed up by no you will NEVER regret having a child. I know myself, I know my flaws, strengths and I know want I want out of life. I am 100 99.9% sure I will never regret being childfree. Have to say 99 as someone will come along to say you can make such guarantees hormones etc. Even if that 0.01% hormonal want makes it’s appearance, it won’t last.

How did you feel when it wasn't a viable pregnancy? Did you feel disappointed or relieved?

And I would think there is just as much chance of a man who already has children running off and having them with someone else as there is of a man without children doing so.

Oh god op, are you me? This is exactly my situation. I’m not totally sure there’s even room in my life for a child, the only thing I like the idea of is older ones but that’s a long 20 years! We’re also both only children with small families and it seems unfair to bring them into this without a real ‘’family’. I don’t know the answer, I’ve stopped taking my pill and am a little bit what will be will be.

If you're pretty certain you don't want kids (as per the op) please don't lose control of your contraceptive choices. Kids needs to be an active decision, not passing the buck to whatever you think of as "fate"! Not judging but please be honest with yourself and don't bring a child into the world that isn't actively wanted by both parents.

@Muhwanda Gosh, that's a risky strategy!!

I am in my 50s now and childfree. It just never felt like having children was the path for me and for the most part I am happy with the decision and DH and I have a lovely life together. We go away a lot for weekends and holidays and like to eat out a lot, go to the theatre, events etc. We paid off the mortgage quite recently and I plan to cut back my work to 3 or 4 days later this year. DH can retire at 60 with a good pension so hopefully we will both be healthy enough to enjoy relatively early retirement.

I do realise that there is a chance I / we will regret the decision when older and we see our friends with their lovely adult children and grandchildren but can you really make a decision in your 30s based on how you might or might not feel 30 / 40 years later? I know I did the right thing at the time, I never felt a moments envy when seeing friends with their young children (I am not a child hater by any means, the children we know ere / are lovely, I just never felt the desire to nurture my own). Even if I had the foresight to look ahead to what life might be (if I am lucky enough to still be alive) in my 60s, 70s, 80s, I don't think I could have forced myself down a road that did not feel right for me even if there might be huge benefits to that decision way in the future.

I often see comments here about how many older people have children scattered across the world or who never visit them. That is not my experience at all so I never took this viewpoint into account. In my family, I have numerous aunts, uncles, cousins and for the most part the adult children are very much still involved with their parents, I include my sister and I in that. Out of 14 grandchildren in the family only 1 moved away and that was to the UK (I am in Ireland) so perhaps I will feel sad when I see my cousins with their children and grandchildren however we do have quite a lot of family gatherings so they will 9I hope) remain part of mine and DH's lives.

There are many reasons to have or not have children but you don't have to stop going away or eating out if you do have them. We do both with our dc all the time.
My kids have been to 14 countries and all over the UK and we're not mumsnet crazy high earners.
We wouldn't have gone to many places if it wasn't because of the kids interests. For example, One dc wanted to see puffins so we had an amazing week in an area I would never have considered.
Going travelling, having days out and seeing the world through their eyes has been one of the best things about having dc.

@Muhwanda , in that case, unless you aren't having sex, you are now trying for a baby. Just own that. "Fate" (or, rather, biology) doesn't give a shit about how this works out; biology'll get you pregnant unless one or both of you aren't fertile because that's what it does.

My GPs were always very diligent about ensuring my Mirena was up to date until I hit 50. In hindsight I think they will have seen all the things that can go wrong more frequently when you're an older mother - the women having to TFMR, the women with severely handicapped children whose fathers have buggered off and left them to it, the women with PTSD after a horrific birth. Even women who died.

Of course I know plenty of women who had healthy kids in their 40s. I also know of a stillbirth at 7 months and a full term stillbirth and these were beyond heartbreaking for those women. I suspect the GPs didn't want me sleepwalking into one of those situations.

Tragedy can happen at any age, though. I think it's more likely they think you definitely don't want a kid and they want to protect you from needing to deal with ending a pregnancy.

Re younger models, I don't think having a kid is something to show for your life. It's the ultimate selfless act, right?

Fundamentally your DH is right: you will be fine either way. You can't take every single path in life. You just make it work.

On some level I had a kid because I didn't want to not have one. He is my favourite person in the world, funniest person I've ever met and I love it. However I know I am parenting on "easy mode" - he sleeps OK, eats OK, is a pretty easy kid to look after, likes a lot of the same things as me, doesn't kick off much, etc. And even so, I earn 1/3 of what I earned before him, house is a tip, I haven't left the UK for years.