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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask my partner to consider euthanasia for his cat?

56 replies

Olive5252 · 31/05/2023 17:24

Said cat is a 15 year old female house cat.
We saw a vet in November of last year for her chronic diarrhea. After £100s spent on tests, they came back clear. We tried pastes and food and worming tablets.
I had to really push for my partner to make the appointment, because she is his.

Fast forward 7 months. Our cat still has chronic accidents on a nearly hourly basis. She leaks when she sleeps and our carpet is covered in stains. She is skin and bone despite being fed four times per day and she no longer cleans herself so we're having to. She doesnt play or run or do anything other than sleep, poo, and eat. She has four trays and is never more than 5 feet away from a tray.

This has taken a toll on me, im not going to lie. My days have been taken over by cleaning up poo, and I feel my partner is just willing to let her go on until she passes.
He thinks she is just old and that this is normal, but I'm thinking it surely cannot be?
I don't know how to bring up euthanasia without sounding callous, but to me, she has no quality of life.

Would I be speaking out of turn by asking this?

OP posts:
IfYouDontLikeTheAnswerDontAskTheQuestion · 31/05/2023 18:00

The poor thing! She's got an utterly miserable existence. The vet doesn't sound much use if they've been unable to find out what's wrong. Please tell me that the cat hasn't been like that for the past 6 months!

Cat owner of 43 years

DaydreamBongospirit · 31/05/2023 18:00

Please don't do what @Mommasgotabrandnewbag has suggested. That would be incredibly unkind to your partner. One of my cats just disappeared 18 months ago and I still get upset that I don't know where he is.

I think a visit to the vets where they can spell out that the poor cat is suffering is probably your best call. Sometimes we can't see what's right in front of our face (or don't want to accept it). I don't think people intend to be cruel but are a bit blinded by love. Coming from a professional, it might actually sink in that its time to do the kindest thing.

Thelazygardener · 31/05/2023 19:03

I can totally empathise, I am in an almost identical situation but our is a dog. He’s almost 18. DH has had him from a pup and we’ve been together 7 years. We lost the other half of the terrier duo 2 years ago, she became poorly quickly and and was a cut and dry case of needing to be PTS. We have 2 other much younger dogs.

This old boy has gotten thin, is pretty much blind and deaf and sleeps most of the day. Accidents frequently in the house although not incontinent….just hit and miss, he’s been much better in the warm weather with the back door open all day. If it was down to me I’d have had him PTS at least 3 months ago.

I do bring it up quite often with him but it’s difficult to say without coming across as saying ‘Kill your dog’. I really need it to be his decision and his is a case of burying his head in the sand and focussing only on the good days and disregarding the bad. It really doesn’t help we are expecting DC1 in less than 2 months so i feel extra mean and trying hard not to make it sound like an ultimatum whenever I bring it up.

Dog is due his vaccines in a few weeks and I have insisted DP comes along (I usually take all our dogs to the vets and majority of care as I work for myself from home). DH needs to hear it from the vet first hand I think that the dog is suffering and is not ok to go on. I won’t be sugar coating his condition to the vet in any way.

Could you recommend a visit together to the vet for a health check and speak quite frankly whilst you are there about the cat’s condition? Hopefully they will give an honest answer and not just appease. However it happens though I think it has to be open and honest, not that I’m suggesting you would but definitely do not do what one poster has suggested in ‘making the cat disappear’. It would eat me up if I did something like that.

I hope it gets resolved quickly (both our situations!) it’s an awful predicament to be in I know. Sorry I don’t have better advice…

Done2much · 31/05/2023 19:23

Mommasgotabrandnewbag · 31/05/2023 17:47

Is she an outdoors cat?

I'd take her to the vet one day and tell him she went out and hasn't come back.

Mommasgotabrandnewbag: you can't be serious

Fruitjellies · 31/05/2023 19:34

I thought it was going to be one of those threads about a partners pet but no, OP you are absolutely right here.

Your partner should be taking the cat to vets regularly to get to the bottom of it including hyperthyroidism tests and veterinary diets.

It is cruel to leave the cat suffering. Not only would I encourage a final vet visit but I could be in a relationship with such a cruel, callous, ignorant and selfish person

Teaslurpershutup · 31/05/2023 19:55

Cats hate being dirty. Be kinder to have her put to sleep. Hard for your dp after having her for so long but still the more caring thing to do.

Mommasgotabrandnewbag · 31/05/2023 21:17

Done2much · 31/05/2023 19:23

Mommasgotabrandnewbag: you can't be serious

Show quote history

Why wouldn't I be serious? The animal is suffering badly and he won't do anything about it.

Instead of having a row and it taking weeks for him to come round, just get it over with. Poor thing.

Mardiarse · 31/05/2023 21:29

@Mommasgotabrandnewbag
Do you not think that DH would spend a fair bit of time out looking for the his cat, after the op made it disappear - Facebook posts, posters in neighbourhood etc.
It’s such a shitty cruel thing to do to someone.

Mommasgotabrandnewbag · 31/05/2023 21:37

Mardiarse · 31/05/2023 21:29

@Mommasgotabrandnewbag
Do you not think that DH would spend a fair bit of time out looking for the his cat, after the op made it disappear - Facebook posts, posters in neighbourhood etc.
It’s such a shitty cruel thing to do to someone.

Maybe I just think differently. I don't get overly emotionally attached to animals and if one of mine were suffering I wouldn't think twice about dealing with it.

Lillygolightly · 31/05/2023 21:44

I had to put my 19 year old cat to sleep recently, I loved her very much and she had been my best little furry buddy for all that time.

I had to spend quite a while convincing DH that it was the right thing to do, he was of the mind that as she was still eating and coming for cuddles that she was ok. She wasn’t ok though, she’d been having toilet issues for a while, used to cry while or after pooping in random corners of the house, she was losing her balance and I suspect her vision had deteriorated too, I could just see that she wasn’t having a good time. I really had to impress on him just how much cats hide their pain and that we were unlikely to ever know just how much pain she was in but that I was certain she was in pain and that I would rather her go peacefully than hang on to her until the bitter end. It took a while but he eventually agreed, and to be honest if it had just been up to me I would have taken her much sooner. Letting her go was very hard, but it was what was best for her.

I miss her terribly and could never think of replacing her, she was the perfect cat!

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 31/05/2023 21:59

Poor cat , she really sounds ill and unhappy .

Cats really don;t like making a mess of themselves and really hate being physically cleaned .

It is time .
The word “euthanasia” itself comes from the Greek words “eu” (good) and “thanatos” (death) - whi wouldn't choose that for a beloved pet?

Original poster
Olive5252 · 31/05/2023 22:04

Thank you for every single comment. It was terrifying for me to post this because I feel we've let her down, but you've given me confidence to speak up.
I've had a deep discussion with my partner where I voiced my concerns and told him that she cannot speak for herself and so I feel like I had to.
We both cried and I understand that she was at one point his only companion and he wants to keep a hold of her for as long as he can.
I asked him did he think she was enjoying any aspect of life and he replied that he supposed not.
He has time off next week and has promised to book an appointment and I will hold him to it.

OP posts:
romdowa · 31/05/2023 22:07

Mardiarse · 31/05/2023 21:29

@Mommasgotabrandnewbag
Do you not think that DH would spend a fair bit of time out looking for the his cat, after the op made it disappear - Facebook posts, posters in neighbourhood etc.
It’s such a shitty cruel thing to do to someone.

It's shitty and cruel to let the cat shit itself to death. No way could I stand by and watch an animal suffer that way .

Heartsnrainbows · 31/05/2023 22:08

Cats are obsessively clean animals and for her to be incontinent and not cleaning herself she must be desperately unwell. It's cruel to leave her suffering. I wouldn't want to live like that.

Original poster
Olive5252 · 31/05/2023 22:12

This. This is exactly the case here. If she were my pet and I'd loved her longer than half my life, then I'd have struggles too, but at least then I would feel like it is my decision to make.
We have spoken and I have told him that becausei am looking from the outside, I can see more clearly that whilst she is eating and drinking, that doesn't mean she is OK.

Thank you ever so much for your reply. I wish you and family and beloved dog peace in the hardest moments.

OP posts:
Mardiarse · 31/05/2023 22:14

It's shitty and cruel to let the cat shit itself to death. No way could I stand by and watch an animal suffer that way .

Well you do that by clearly communicating with your partner, not taking the cowardly option and sneaking the pet to be euthanised and pretending it's disappeared.

2bazookas · 31/05/2023 22:16

Stop cleaning up. Tell DH it's his catshit, his job.

Give it a week and he'll be making that vet appointment himself.

ToBeOrNotToBee · 31/05/2023 22:28

Take her to the vet and tell him after the event.

Spin a yarn that she was too sick to come home if you have to but just don't let her suffer anymore.

caringcarer · 31/05/2023 22:34

I think I'd issue him an ultimatum if you won't take your cat to the vet I will, and if the vet recommended PTS I'd be sorry you were not there to hold her whilst it happened but I'd hold her for you. My 17 year old son who had his cat from a kitten and loved him beyond reason knew when his cat got very ill and the vet told him he could do no more for him but give him pain killers, knew what he had to do. He brought him home and spent the rest of the weekend hand feeding him little bits of tuna and cuddling him but took him back to the vet on Monday morning and held him whilst he was PTS. Your partner is a selfish and cruel man.

Nanny0gg · 31/05/2023 22:37

Olive5252 · 31/05/2023 17:24

Said cat is a 15 year old female house cat.
We saw a vet in November of last year for her chronic diarrhea. After £100s spent on tests, they came back clear. We tried pastes and food and worming tablets.
I had to really push for my partner to make the appointment, because she is his.

Fast forward 7 months. Our cat still has chronic accidents on a nearly hourly basis. She leaks when she sleeps and our carpet is covered in stains. She is skin and bone despite being fed four times per day and she no longer cleans herself so we're having to. She doesnt play or run or do anything other than sleep, poo, and eat. She has four trays and is never more than 5 feet away from a tray.

This has taken a toll on me, im not going to lie. My days have been taken over by cleaning up poo, and I feel my partner is just willing to let her go on until she passes.
He thinks she is just old and that this is normal, but I'm thinking it surely cannot be?
I don't know how to bring up euthanasia without sounding callous, but to me, she has no quality of life.

Would I be speaking out of turn by asking this?

Awful.

Absolutely it needs to be done. It's horrible but cats are clean animals, she'll be in distress.

HateMyselfToo · 31/05/2023 22:38

NotYetButSoon · 31/05/2023 17:59

Take her to the vet with your DP "to see if they can do any more for her."

This.
You're coming from a caring place rather than a 'get rid of her' place.
Sad, but sounds like its would be the kindest thing and a good vet will help him come to this decision himself.

Prescottdanni123 · 31/05/2023 22:52

I lost my childhood dog after 17 years. I was lucky in the sense that I didn't have to watch a slow decline, she took very ill very suddenly one night as can happen with very old animals. I took her to the out of hours vet who did some tests and then just said "I'm sorry. Her organs are shutting down". She was my best friend, sometimes my only friend. She was a source of comfort through the deaths of 3 grandparents. Everyone who knew me knew that she was my little shadow. After all that she had done for me over 17 years, the happiness she'd brought, I knew the best and kindest thing I could do got her in return in that moment was give her one last kiss and let her go.

Starcatty · 31/05/2023 23:25

I’ve read your update and I agree. Whilst it’s heartbreaking to lose a pet that has been with us for so long letting them go without suffering is the kindest thing we can do for them.

AnonyMenOhPee · 31/05/2023 23:44

Well done for having that conversation op that can’t have been easy for you - you’re doing the best thing for the cat

Done2much · 01/06/2023 13:16

Mommasgotabrandnewbag · 31/05/2023 21:17

Why wouldn't I be serious? The animal is suffering badly and he won't do anything about it.

Instead of having a row and it taking weeks for him to come round, just get it over with. Poor thing.

Show quote history

then you've never had this happen to you. bad enough to lose a cat but to never know its fate is excruciating. far better that OP has had an HONEST exchange with her dp and an appointment with the vet will follow