To think trauma from childhood can take years to show up?

[Unabletocatchup]

I just think it's interesting that there tends to be an assumption if somebody is "ok" with difficult or frightening life events as a child or teen, that they're completely fine and have moved on.

But really, the extent of damage from trauma can gradually become apparent as the person tries to make their way through adult life.

This is what happened for me and I've seen it in others. Does this resonate with anyone else?

I completely agree. I hear judges say this about children, that Scottish dentist case springs to mind. It is utterly ridiculous because you can only really deal with childhood trauma in safe relationships and if the trauma is caused by childhood relationships then suppressing the trauma is the safest option.

Erm yeah that’s kind of how trauma works. The vast majority of people will only see the impact in adulthood

This is like asking ‘AIBU to think cats are animals’

I hear judges say this about children, that Scottish dentist case springs to mind

Which case was that?

For me it hit me big time when my kids were teens, I hate the word 'triggered' because it seems to be overused these days but it really was like a switch flipped. I had a very emotionally abusive childhood and was convinced that I was fine until then, I think my children needing emotional support(the way teens do) just kind of brought home to me that I never had that or anything close and it brought a lot of fears that I wouldn't be able to provide it for them because I had no template of what healthy normal parent/child relationships were supposed to look like. I was a mess for quite a while. On reflection now after a lot of counseling, I have realised that my whole life was actually shaped around my abusive childhood but I didn't really connect the dots before then.

the adults in my life seem to work on the theory that “children adapt” “children are resilient”. and trauma doesn’t impact them in the same way.

I am fairly sure I have some sort of attachment disorder now, in addition to other issues.

but all I got as a child was this expectation that I’d get over it and bounce back as if nothing happened. So that’s what I did, or appeared to. Never spoken about it, never had treatment or therapy.

I think that sometimes time and distance throws things up, and also age or going through milestones makes you re-evaluate things that you didn't question much as a child or teen.

Some people are immediately affect and it has lasting effects, but others it burns away slowly.

I am trying to help a friend atm who has clearly had something awful happen to her and she has addiction issues, behaviour issues, depression/anxiety, the works. I’ve known her since she was a small child and I don’t know of anything that I would deem truly horrific, but either I don’t know about something or she has really internalised her dad leaving. It’s so awful. I really hope she gets better, and realises she can have a wonderful life (and I get my friend back)

I don't think it is, actually.

But thanks for scoffing.

It definitely can have a profound affect later on in life, both physically and mentally.

https://www.thescottishsun.co.uk/news/scottish-news/3814728/christopher-daniel-student-judge-dental-dumbarton-sheriff-sexual-assault/

He was actually a dental student and it was the sheriff who basically decided the 6 year old girl was fine and dandy now so nothing to see here.

Yes, I agree.

I also think it is a major defence mechanism to try to convince yourself you're fine, it wasn't really that bad, it didn't affect you as you're so mature and tough blah blah...

I remember telling myself (as a child) that I wasn't really a child, but an adult because I was so mature emotionally and not like other kids. So it didn't matter if I had to deal with X or Y.

It struck me recently how sad that was. Of course I wasn't emotionally mature.

@chesseybread not everyone understands trauma, so I don't think it's an unreasonable AIBU.

@Unabletocatchup I don't think I realised just how traumatised I was until about 3 years ago (my DC are 5) and how detached I was from everything and everyone.

It is so apparent to me now, I feel stupid for thinking I was so very self-aware before that time.

I wish I was the person I am now when my DC came into this world 5.5 years ago, as I unwittingly passed trauma onto them, as I just simply didn't know how to be a solo parent and I tried my best, but it wasn't good enough.

I will always carry that guilt and shame and I am responsible for any damage I've caused to others in my life, but I've also try to remember that the things done to me as a child were not okay and I did not deserve the things that happened to me.

💚

Lots of info online about impact in adulthood and on future health (both directly and as a result of making choices to engage in unsafe behaviours that then impact on health).

The phrase to search for is ACEs - Adverse Childhood Experiences.

Yes, PTSD can take years to develop or you can have it and not realise for years. For years I’ve always known that my biological donor tried to hurt my mum very seriously and I thought I had been told about it but at 30 years old I’ve just found out that no one ever told me that I was there and in my mums arms. I’ve got PTSD now that I’ve realised after all these years that he tried to seriously hurt me as well. Now that I’ve got my own child I can’t fathom how he could have done that to me.

@Justchooseone trauma comes in many forms and isn’t always an obviously awful event - it can be things like undiagnosed SEN which causes a series of mini traumas.

I’m really sorry to hear about your friend. It’s a heartbreaking thing to see play out. Are they open to professional support? Most addiction services are trauma informed these days.

Yes, ACEs are a good starting point but I feel they're not comprehensive enough. Though obviously a decent therapist will validate other kinds of traumas not on the ACE list.

Yes I know someone whose sister died when she was very little. She was very sad about it but grew up, was very successful, no issues other than grief for the loss of her sister. When her marriage broke down it triggered something and she ended up with ptsd relating to the sister's death, including flashbacks of having seen her body.

Due to being isolated and being made the family scapegoat I feel there is a sheet of glass between me and others . I feel I'm on the outside looking in . I've become very self contained and self reliant in adulthood . Don't trust or need others . I get very anxious if I feel I'm trapped in some way .

Definitely.

Our baby suddenly died last year, both myself and my husband have been receiving counselling since our son's death.

My husband lost his mum when he was young and never received support from family members, anyone really. All of his past trauma and grief from his mum's death has been resurfacing over the past few months because it was never accepted or embraced at the time, and has clearly been triggered by our sons death.

Definitely = in agreement that trauma can definitely take years to show up, sorry if that wasn't too clear.

So sorry for your loss@RaspberryBlossom, and for your husband also losing his mum at a young age.

Of course it shapes the person that you grow into. This is why the 'I was beaten to with an inch of my life daily and I turned out just fine' types are alarming. They literally lack empathy, are totally emotionally shut down and think that's just normal

Undoubtedly. My dad died very suddenly when I was 9, I suppressed and buried all the emotions for 30-odd years and it's only just hitting me now. I'm crying every day, having weird jolting flashbacks to my childhood, feeling sick, anxious and so so sad all the time. Just starting therapy and it's very hard.

Thank you 💛