To think trauma from childhood can take years to show up?

[Unabletocatchup]

I just think it's interesting that there tends to be an assumption if somebody is "ok" with difficult or frightening life events as a child or teen, that they're completely fine and have moved on.

But really, the extent of damage from trauma can gradually become apparent as the person tries to make their way through adult life.

This is what happened for me and I've seen it in others. Does this resonate with anyone else?

I was sexually assaulted in my teens. I did not realise that I had been traumatised till my 40's. I met and got involved with the wrong men and had no boundaries as I was not used to them myself. It took meeting a respectful man years after being single and 'working' on myself and a healthy relationship to make me realise what a trauma I had been through. It really can take years for people to realise how badly they have been traumatised. I think in my case I pushed it to one side in my mind but it was clearly always at the back of my mind playing on it.

@Tortiemiaw
I agree it stays with you throughout your life, just different stages. I’m in my 50’s and have had lots of therapy. Currently dreading my mum dying because of the next level shit it will throw up.

That's interesting - when my mum died was when I finally could stand back and start to face it.

I also feel that I simply buried stuff as a child as a lot of it was emotional abuse and simply my needs were not met as a child and was left thinking some of it was my fault - I began suffering from PTSD in my twenties after another incident made me unravel

I'm adopted and one of the things that bothers me most now is that there is a small period of my life I know nothing about. I am in contact with my birth mother so have the narrative until she handed me over but there is a 3 week gap before my parents got me. I have no idea where I was, who fed me, who minded me. The older I get the more that gap bothers me.

Could have written this, except my trigger was pregnancy

I had a massively traumatic childhood.

I felt absolutely fine about it until my kids started reaching ages that things happened to me.

These things can definitely take time.

Occasionally something tiny has triggered a massive reaction in me when I felt as though I sailed through the original trauma too.

Yes, but eg in my case DF an alcoholic - somehow everyone assumed the DCs were fine possibly because they didn't mention it. But of course their lives are scarred by it.
Likewise in divorce - the DCs don't often seem to be given an opportunity to talk honestly about their feelings.
Or an abusive parent - to the other parent - the adults get wrapped up in their own problems - kids left to get on with it.

Also you are busy getting on with life school, uni, job, then suddenly once the DCs are less of a responsibility you find you have time to think. And then can suffer the consequences.

Sounds exactly like my situation but it was my mum who died when I was 9, didn’t really cry about it until 15/20 years later. The gravity of what we went through has finally hit me and I cry looking at my kids and imagine them losing me.

I agree with both of these posts. I was adopted when I was v young but fostered beforehand. I was also in ICU for weeks as a baby without anyone.

People under estimate the depth of the 'wound' that adoptees are left with, even if they were adopted as a baby.

I think this is both rude and untrue - it’s extremely common for children to show signs of trauma.

Yes. I've only been able to see the reality of my childhood very recently, and how it affects me, now I have a daughter of my own.
A panic attack I had as an adult suddenly made sense to me the other day when I suddenly remembered something that had happened regularly as a child, I'd just shut it away.
Worst thing is, my abuser is proud of it, because I turned out "so well". Only I'm not ok on the inside. Funny how mine are turning out lovely without all that shit, I feel sick at even the thought of treating them the way I was treated.

I agree. Clearly children can experience trauma and display that to others whilst children, but often it comes out later instead or in addition. My experience, death of a sibling when young, was that I “bounced back” and actually don’t disagree with that. But when you revisit the experience through adolescent and adult eyes it takes a whole new form. You’re also able to see yourself as a child and feel for her. It does come back in waves now I’m a parent and think about my children being the same age as I was then etc.

Absolutely.

My poor maternal grandmother was an only child. Her mother died in a freak snowstorm when my granny was a young woman, having left my granny’s house. My granny had begged her to stay the night as it wasn’t safe, but she tried to make her way home.

The postman broke the news to my grandmother the following morning, in the most callous and insensitive way.

That poor woman suffered serious mental health problems her whole life - various different diagnoses and a cocktail of drugs to manage them. She also had multiple children close together (as was usual in Ireland at the time) and probably suffered PND among other things. The early trauma will have definitely been a huge factor.

Hell, I don’t have any particularly childhood trauma, but I suffered severe PND and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

I also witnessed an extremely traumatic event when I was a small child and my mum says, when asked about it shortly afterwards, I had blocked the entire thing out. Couldn’t remember a thing.

I’m the other way- I really don’t want to die and miss out on a single second of their lives, or have them struggle without me.

I am dreading my mum dying because I don’t think I will care. I don’t think I have those emotions any more. I read about other people heartbroken over their parents deaths and I can’t imagine feeling like that. Even if I do I don’t know how to show it and will likely put on my practical face and sort out all the logistics.

it’s really common for big life events we face in adulthood (marriage, death, pregnancy, breakups etc) to trigger trauma and past experiences from our childhood that have yet to be dealt with. In past generations, the majority didn’t get help for issues that arose from historical abuse, so it’s great that this is becoming more recognised and acknowledged.

Yes, definitely.
I had a very emotionally abusive and neglectful childhood resulting in CPTSD through my late teens and a lot of my 20s. I had no idea why I suffered from depression, high alertness, low self esteem and a propensity to be attracted to men who were unavailable.
I was ok through my 30s and most of my 40s but then CPTSD struck again. My son was going through some horrible mental health issues and it triggered everything I'd been through as a kid and teenager.
Funny and awful what life throws at you.

When my father died it was an amorphous pain, for who I wanted him to have been, for the childhood I didn’t have, a crater opened in front of me. I hope I’m more prepared for when my mother dies. I haven’t spoken to her in years but doubt I’ll regret it when she dies

I was diagnosed with complex PTSD from repeated childhood trauma and domestic violence directed towards me as a small child when I was 58.
The psychiatrist said I would have had this all my life from a young age and cited a lot of the things I'd told her as proof of that.
She just said I was exceptionally strong and made the best life for myself when I left home very young but the damage was done a very long time ago and I'd never be cured, it would just be under control which it is with medication.
I've been having hallucinations and hearing voices from a young age and had dissaociative episodes where I would be unresponsive for hours on end but just never knew what my diagnosis was until fairly recently.
It hasn't stopped me from buying a home or having a career and a child but I am unable to have relationships with men. I don't trust them. I am also not very good socially and try and avoid people as much as possible although I do have friends.
DS is the shining light in my life.

Not only is this totally insensitive, but it’s also not correct.

if that was the case, there wouldn’t be schools for children who’ve experienced trauma, ‘trauma informed schools’ status would be unnecessary and there wouldn’t be child therapists. Both my adopted children have a diagnosis of developmental trauma - they are under ten so far from adults.

My childhood was pretty crappy. I’m in 40s with quite bad trauma for it and some bits missing in my mind as my mind can’t deal with the memories

I’m so sorry for your experience. Mine was similar when my daughter turned 9, I realised that since her age I had coped alone with the sexual abuse I experienced from my brother. When my parents found out about the abuse when I was an adult they manipulated a carpet sweep under the rug.

My father said really, really creepy things about abuse in general that makes me think he had behaved the same as my brother in the past.

My extended family swept it all under the rug and in adulthood I developed PTSD from the whole experience.

My family had other problems growing up I realised, my parents were cold and emotionally unavailable and critical, deeply controlling and shaming too, my mother is extremely emotionally manipulative. It all hit me like a tonne of bricks.

@Fiddlededeefiddlededoh I’m so sorry you went through this. Your parents let you down massively. I’m not surprised you have PTSD. I hope you have someone looking out for you and providing support.

I’m taking my abuser to court this month after waiting for nearly 3 years for a court date. My mum hasn’t asked me once if I’m okay. She knew I was being abused at the time and did nothing to stop it. It reopens old wounds.