Am I really selfish for not spending free time with others?

[Tjit]

Hi everyone

This has been playing on my mind a lot recently, I am somewhat of an introvert but don't mind spending time with people one on one occasionally

I have a full time job, married with 2 school aged children and feel like I am just about coping! During the week I am in survival mode then at weekends, I feel like I am in a pit stop at the Grand Prix just doing tasks such as cooking, cleaning, laundry etc just to enable us function during the week again!

My AIBU is that I dread invites from others, not necessarily my children's friends for the odd birthday party or whatever but from other people in my wider family or friendship group who always seem to want to come to my house to hang out, want us to meet up at theirs in a far location hours from home, seem to celebrate every child's birthday with a party or summer BBQ which I am invited to etc etc

My DH is also an introvert and is as exhausted as me as he mainly does the school run etc, so mostly I go to these events with the children alone if feeling suitably guilty as he has no problem saying he is not going as he prefers to stay in and spend his free time watching tv, in the garden or whatever

Although it's easy to say 'well just say you can't come' I am tired of feeling like I am letting people down. I have personally kept my occasions minimal, enjoy quiet birthday celebrations at home with my kids where we give them gifts, have a nice dinner, sing happy birthday and cut a cake etc so don't feel the need to have people over constantly

During the half term I have turned down some invites to just spend time quietly at home as my oldest has some exams when they return next week, this has kept cost low and allowed kids daily lie ins etc though a relative did want us to help with some childcare of his

I almost feel like I just want to be left alone with my nuclear family until the kids are much older to get through this time but at the same time feel I am alienating others and know that people consider me to be selfish in my immediate and wider family because of this

I don't mind spending an hour on the phone having a quality conversation but it seems others constantly want to 'meet up' whereas when we do I find that the effort and cost of transportation etc is more than the quality of the interaction eg I may be physically with a relative but they are constantly interrupted by their young children, (or I am by mine which is totally understandable) and despite it taking me hours to get there and paying out loads we end up with maybe 20mins of quality conversation

My DM is also one to constantly want all the grandkids together which is nice of course but sometimes I think this is for her own benefit of taking pics to show a united family rather than it being for the children's particular benefit as they are all different ages etc

I reflect back to my own childhood and felt that we would have benefited more from adult interaction and monitoring rather than spending so much time with cousins etc. I am spending this week looking at my kids behaviours, interactions, teaching them skills such as cooking and baking but always feel that I should be with others and that I am just selfish

What are your children's thoughts on it? Are they missing time with wider family? I had a Mother who wouldn't mix and feel like I missed out. Wouldn't your Mum have them without you there?

I don't 5hink you should feel guilty at all. How frequently does your mum want everyone together? Once a month or so would be lovely but any more would drive me bonkers, and I love my family and am pretty extrovert. I need alone time too, so do the kids.

Do you value your friends and wider family? You can choose not to spend time with them, but don't expect them to be there when your kids are older. What if something awful happened to your DH or he left (yes it might be unlikely, but speaking hypothetically) wouldn't you want people there to turn to for support? I think it's quite sad you see other people as a hindrance – I also need time alone to recharge after socialising but I couldn't live in isolation. My parents rarely socialised when I was a kid and looking back I think I really missed out and struggled with my own friendships until I was an adult. They now have very boring lives and very few friends.

I dont think you're alienating others, you're alienating yourself. But that's ok if that's your choice to do so. You'd be better being honest with people when you're invited somewhere and you don't want to go. They'd probably stop inviting you but that's what you want anyway.

How do your kids feel about this? I wouldn't want my kids missing out if they wanted to go places, I'd push through if it was for them.

If meetups involve considerable time and effort (as people don't live close) I think it's fine to ration them - maybe say you'll do one a month, or every six weeks or 2 months, or whatever.

Unfortunately if you make no effort at all, you may find people don't want to meet you any more, when you get to a point in your life where you're happy to do that again (although it sounds like you're mitigating that by talking to them on the phone).

My experience of family get togethers is that they were most numerous when the children were small and petered out once the children got past about age 10 and the happily playing stage (obviously your family may differ!). So it's probably worth prioritising those (that doesn't mean going to all of them).

Interesting that you made a comment about not minding invites from the children's friends to birthday parties etc. Is this purely a time/distance thing (i.e. they are close and don't take too long!)? If it isn't, it's worth thinking about whether you prioritise your children's friendships over your own.

Surely a mix is best?
It's nice that people want to meet up and spend time with you. I think that expecting "quality conversation" when you've got lots of kids around is a bit ambitious- what's wrong with just a light catch up and a few laughs?

If you didn't spend any time at all with anyone apart from your immediate nuclear family everyone else won't be in any immediate hurry to either offer favours if you need them or to re-engage in the friendship once you deign to reconnect in ten years! You have to put a bare minimum of effort in even if for a fee years its just quick catch ups while handing out lollies rather than in depth conversation..

But equally so there's no need to go out every single day. Try and do more big catch ups with multiple people so you can have say 1 day out with friends and kids, 1 with family and then 5 days at home alone. Rather than lots of little meet ups.

Your mum wanting to have all the family together is perfectly normal - it doesn't always have to be about what is right for the kids- you,their siblings and their grandparents will be there so it hardly matters if their cousins aren't exactly the same age as them!

I understand how you feel as I was in your position myself when the DC were very young. I felt like my baby was treated like a doll and everyone was clambering for our time with visits, expectations and calls constantly and I just didn’t want to see them. I hated it. I eventually pulled back, people carried on pushing, so I pulled back further. I became ‘selfish’ with my time.
I wish I hadn’t now. Life has become lonely, I feel isolated and there isn’t really anyone to turn to in times of crisis without feeling enormous guilt or anyone to share news with other than DH. We were invited to everything, now we hardly get invited anywhere, I wouldn’t recommend it. As much as I hated all of my time being sucked up, I hate the isolation more. Though I really didn’t think I would. I longed for it to be just me, DH and DC. Now it is, I regret it so much. Be careful what you wish for.

Sorry but I think you sound a bit miserable and this will surely impact on your children?
if you refuse invites then people will stop inviting them to their houses and to parties etc. if you like family, surely you want to spend time with them?
I think it’s fine for you and DH to be introverted but don’t force your children into the same lifestyle.
for what it’s worth, I have 3 children and a full time job and I’m sociable. We have a lovely life and the kids have a lovely time with other families and our wider family. I also spend time with them one on one doing baking etc. it doesn’t need to be an either/or?
of course my personality is different to yours but what I’m saying is, it isn’t just because you’re busy with life that you want to stay inside and refuse invitations..

I think for the sake of your children you and your husband need to be more social.

I think you should be careful what you wish for.

If you choose not to put the effort in now, don't be surprised when people stop inviting you anywhere and you end up with nobody.

I'd also be very very wary of shrinking your world to just your husband and kids. One day your kids will be grown and you'll find yourself with nothing.

YANBU, family pressure to integrate and constantly socialise is one reason we live very far away.
I don't feel guilty about it though.

We do occasionally meet with wider family as I say which the kids do enjoy but they are happy with whatever, they enjoy the time together but when we are apart rarely ask to meet with them if you see what I mean?

For me it's not about 'not valuing' hence why I love a proper catch up on the phone regularly, I guess it's more the meeting up especially when we live several hours apart

I think I am at a stage where I do prioritise the children's friendships over my own to an extent, this May be because the parties are local take a couple of hours etc compared to something that takes up the whole day

Wow this is so interesting, and has given me lots to think about, it's not that I don't want to socialise per se but rather than I wish I could pause the meet ups for a while without offending people and then resume when things feel less chaotic

I think the fact my DH doesn't really socialise either is also impacting as there is no one to 'encourage' me to go out

How strenuous is the school run that it gives your DH an excuse to do what he wants on the weekends?!

It's that on top of work and general life admin, kid's activities etc he is happy to relax at home but will drive us to parties etc when required

it's not that I don't want to socialise per se but rather than I wish I could pause the meet ups for a while without offending people and then resume when things feel less chaotic

The problem is that this isn't really how relationships work.

But I don't think it's selfish, if you don't want to meet people, don't. They also have just as busy lives as you, probably more so, it's not as if they will be begging you to meet them.

I don't think it is selfish at all. It is your family life and there is no point in burning yourself out trying to attend everything. Perhaps limit things to one wider family event and one 'friend' event per month. Block out periods of time as family/your own quiet time. Once people get used to it, they will adapt.

It’s not selfish, you can do what you want, but you really can’t expect to put friends and family on hold until you decide it’s more convenient for you. They will likely stop inviting you and be reluctant to make the effort later on.

I think decide what feels manageable e.g. a social event every other weekend, or once every 3 weeks, and stick to that. When you decline an invitation, if you like the person asking, give an alternative future date or suggestion for a telephone catch up instead.

Is there a back story as to why your friends and family live hours away?

Have you moved away from everyone? If so, would you cope better if you had friends closer by (aside from people you meet through DC)

I limit myself and rarely go out for lunch/dinner more than once a week as I find it overwhelming and get peopled out and really exhausted.

I think there is definitely a balance to be had.

I understand feeling very overwhelmed, craving a bit of alone time and feeling resentful that your life is being dictated by the needs of other people. It's absolutely fine to know what your boundaries are and to be able to say no to preserve your own quality of life.

But you do need to remember as well that relationships require investment. They are living things and you can't drop them and then expect to pick them up years down the line. I think there's a particular risk for women with young families who (understandably) feel the need to retreat into their nuclear family for a while and then come out the other side friendless or face the breakdown of a marriage on their own because they've prioritised their family at the expense of everything else.

It is really important to have people in your life who are not your partner or children. You never know what will happen to your nuclear family and in any case it's really important to have different perspectives. It's also not great for children to grow up feeling shut off from the world and that socialising outside the family is something to be avoided.

So while I think you don't have to say yes to everything and you're well within your rights to carve out some time, don't be too quick to shut the door on people. Sometimes finding time for a drink with a friend which you can't really face will turn into something really life-affirming and you will look back and be really grateful you did it.

I totally get you OP. In the week it's work/school/kids clubs/dinners/tidy up as you go.

At the weekend I have dinners/weekly food shop/laundry/tidy up/chores like either wash my car or do garden or in case of this weekend tidy the garage/see elderly parents/spend time with DC & DH PLUS my own friend's requests for nights/days out/dinners/weekends away/go to events AND I want alone time to just enjoy being at home and doing nothing.

How the hell does everyone fit it all in ?

I totally get you. I know I sound miserable but I just don’t get the need to actually meet up in person.

Like you, I care about my loved ones and happily take the time to phone and catch up, or FaceTime or whatever. But why the obsession with meeting up? I have a relative who insists on ‘dropping in’ unannounced and I hate it. If that person really wanted to see me and ask how I am, they could phone. Interestingly during covid, when that person couldn’t pop in, I never heard from them!

I am an introvert, and realise I’m probably in the minority, but I dread these events. It’s even more pointless when there’s loads of people as you don’t actually have a quiet, meaningful conversation with anyone really.