Am I really selfish for not spending free time with others?

[Tjit]

Hi everyone

This has been playing on my mind a lot recently, I am somewhat of an introvert but don't mind spending time with people one on one occasionally

I have a full time job, married with 2 school aged children and feel like I am just about coping! During the week I am in survival mode then at weekends, I feel like I am in a pit stop at the Grand Prix just doing tasks such as cooking, cleaning, laundry etc just to enable us function during the week again!

My AIBU is that I dread invites from others, not necessarily my children's friends for the odd birthday party or whatever but from other people in my wider family or friendship group who always seem to want to come to my house to hang out, want us to meet up at theirs in a far location hours from home, seem to celebrate every child's birthday with a party or summer BBQ which I am invited to etc etc

My DH is also an introvert and is as exhausted as me as he mainly does the school run etc, so mostly I go to these events with the children alone if feeling suitably guilty as he has no problem saying he is not going as he prefers to stay in and spend his free time watching tv, in the garden or whatever

Although it's easy to say 'well just say you can't come' I am tired of feeling like I am letting people down. I have personally kept my occasions minimal, enjoy quiet birthday celebrations at home with my kids where we give them gifts, have a nice dinner, sing happy birthday and cut a cake etc so don't feel the need to have people over constantly

During the half term I have turned down some invites to just spend time quietly at home as my oldest has some exams when they return next week, this has kept cost low and allowed kids daily lie ins etc though a relative did want us to help with some childcare of his

I almost feel like I just want to be left alone with my nuclear family until the kids are much older to get through this time but at the same time feel I am alienating others and know that people consider me to be selfish in my immediate and wider family because of this

I don't mind spending an hour on the phone having a quality conversation but it seems others constantly want to 'meet up' whereas when we do I find that the effort and cost of transportation etc is more than the quality of the interaction eg I may be physically with a relative but they are constantly interrupted by their young children, (or I am by mine which is totally understandable) and despite it taking me hours to get there and paying out loads we end up with maybe 20mins of quality conversation

My DM is also one to constantly want all the grandkids together which is nice of course but sometimes I think this is for her own benefit of taking pics to show a united family rather than it being for the children's particular benefit as they are all different ages etc

I reflect back to my own childhood and felt that we would have benefited more from adult interaction and monitoring rather than spending so much time with cousins etc. I am spending this week looking at my kids behaviours, interactions, teaching them skills such as cooking and baking but always feel that I should be with others and that I am just selfish

TBH that's pretty unusual and quite unhealthy.

Having any kind of quality relationship depends on some physical contact. There's no "obsession" with meeting up as you put it. However well online works, you can't have meaningful relationships and build those with people without some contact.

I understand that introverts find socialising more difficult and tend to limit themselves when it comes to large social events. That makes perfect sense.

But seeking to totally eliminate any social contact is not healthy and not viable. If you do this you will literally lose your entire network and you leave yourself very very vulnerable if you don't have any kind of network outside your immediate family.

Have you ever sought counselling for this? Because your approach sounds pretty pathological. Do you have children? If you do I would really recommend getting some help with this as this is not a great way to live.

This is how I feel..... as though I am spread too thinly already

DH and I are both introverts, but I love spending time with my side of the extended family and we do day trips, holidays and meet ups fairly regularly considering we live hours apart (maybe four times a year).
DH is a lot less keen. If it was up to him we would never see his brother. As it is we see him maybe once or twice a year, when the pressure becomes so great he feels he can’t say no. I don’t enjoy the visits either, feels very forced. I do resent the day it takes away from ‘core’ family time to do these visits, which nobody really enjoys. We do it though, for the sake of the kids having a relationship with their uncle.

@Thepeopleversuswork
I realise I came across a bit weird! No, I don’t avoid them, I just don’t particularly like them, sometimes dread them. In fact I’m off out for my sister’s birthday tonight, she only lives three doors away! We have a great relationship as do our kids. It’s just a few of us to the pub, I’m happy with that. I never said I totally eliminate contact, just feel some people do feel the need to meet in person more than others.

I do think you can catch up perfectly well on the phone though, and I was trying to make a point that the particular relative of mine who presumably wants the social contact at my house as it’s ‘healthy’ didn’t actually bother to contact me at all in covid!

I work too so have a great network of friends there, I would just not particularly feel the need to meet up much. Guess it’s me!

I think most people saying they would rather have time with just DH and DC end up cutting their nose off to spite their face when the kids grow up. Then it's just relying on a DH for everything which is unhealthy. A friend did this, she had a baby and created her own impenetrable nuclear family. The children are now teens and she split from her DH. She is now po-faced that she never gets invited to things and everyone's moved on when she essentially cut contact for 14 years 😬.

You might find like minded people on MN though OP....on a previous thread there was a poster going hysterical that her friend wanted to celebrate OPs birthday, and do something nice for her, when she just wanted a "small cake with DH and DS". Some people really do make their world too small and then stand gawping when people aren't ready to welcome them back with open arms

I get it OP and also Newbie198 I have a friend who needs a lot more contact than I do and until lockdowns I actually always put those needs before my own without realising.

Lockdown was a revelation for us as a family that we thrived so much more on less contact and socialising, we all need a lot of downtime in this house to function well so now I'm not shy about refusing invitations.

I definitely would be limiting meet ups that take up whole days/weekends to once every 2 months or so or whatever you feel comfortable with. You don't have to be on a hamster wheel of constant socialising to have a supportive network and I'm not saying never meet up. But if people drop you because you are less available (not never available) then they're not the type to be a supportive circle anyway imo.

You sound burnt out OP. And I think this is impacting on your judgement here perhaps? Burnout is real amongst us mums (& some dads too) so my suggestion would be to work on that rather than cutting contact with people. You’d then feel in a better place come the weekend and have more bandwidth to have a social life. Just my musings!

I ration everyone a bit @Tjit

I made a planner with all the birthdays and likely occasions on it, then picked one a month to attend, plus a bit more often for low key stuff in the school sumner holidays.

Then went back over them and checked they are evenly distributed between everyone and we've seen each group for something somewhere.

And I combine it with being pretty responsive on Facebook, WhatsApp and text.

As children get older they have their own stuff, I'm not dragging them to things they don't want to go to every blessed weekend because mummy was popular at University.

I've started to realise meeting up with friends has to be approached as yet another job op. Because there will come a point where you will value the interaction, it won't be interrupted by kids and you will have closer relationships for the work you have put in. If you drop the ball on them all now, there will be a big friendshaped gap when your life gets quieter.

Maybe block yourself out a break @Tjit?

Give yourself June off from social obligations then go from there

There are some friends/relatives who always feel like a chore, and others that I love to spend time with! I think you need more of the latter

You are free to interact with whoever you wish... or not.
Just know that people aren't going to be waiting around until your kids reach an age when they spend less time with you and you can be bothered with friends again.

No you're not being selfish, they are being selfish for expecting you to do what they want.