To think AIBU Is 50% full of opinionated nasty people

[Bilbo1237]

Ever get the impression people just love to tell your wrong it a really horrible way.
you post on here and have to accept people with think differently to you but the amount of comments I see that are just quite nasty in the way they say it.
no need in my opion, you can say what you think but no need to be quite so aggressive.

Yep!

Well, I think this is where Mn having a large number of posters who struggle with friendships, regard the school run as torture, see 'cliques' and 'exclusions' and 'drama' everywhere, never answer the door, come home from work and get straight into their pyjamas because they never leave the house again etc etc becomes evident.

I do value the unvarnished opinions of Mn from time to time (and it was certainly a very helpful source of pregnancy and birth information when I first joined when I was pregnant), but I think that some of the 'norms' on here about friendships in particular don't reflect ordinarily healthy give and take human relationships.

You ask for an option on one particular thing and they question your whole family dynamic

Oh, I love that. The ‘one particular thing’ is rarely a stand alone issue but is usually part of a much wider dynamic. It’s fascinating to watch a really insightful forensic examination of the back issues by posters who don’t feel any need to pussyfoot around like your friends and family or a professional would.

Everyone on Mumsnet has an opinion. Including yourself OP.

You do need a thick skin for AIBU. I take it you've had a thread and it hasn't gone the way you wanted. That happens a lot

The whole point of grammar is to aid comprehension though

So did you not understand my point?

I do wonder if these people are serious and if they actually have normal relationships with other people.

I don't think some do tbh.

What I find weird is a) when posters ask for advice and then tell everyone why they're wrong, and b)when posters ask for factual information on an issue that's not in AIBU and get a whole heap of judgment and yabus.

It's absolutely true that a poster will come on with a single issue like asking whether it's unreasonable for her partner not to do any night wakings with their baby, and a few well-placed questions uncover a whole dynamic of exploitation and inequality that the OP has never even considered.

I totally agree!

I like AIBU because I like hearing different perspectives that challenge my thinking and it's a good place to hear loads of different views, from the extreme to the moderate.

However, I dont like it when posters all start to pile in and gang up on the OP, or another poster. Also not a fan of when a poster v forcefully disagrees with you to the point that because you are not of the same opinion as them they start getting very personal - comments like 'I feel sorry for your kid having you as a parent' or 'its scary that you do the job you do', or 'You must just be crazy' or 'Are you completely thick?'. There just isn't need for it. I also don't like when people swear at you - eg. 'At least I'm not f!'king deluded like you' or something similar.

Not sure what it says about social media or society that we can't just disagree and hold different opinions without resorting to bullying and nastiness or forcing our own views on others. I get that some topics hit a nerve with people and the opposing view can feel incredibly threatening, but I do think sometimes people posting forget there is a human on the other end of their abuse. I doubt if people were meeting in real life there would be such evident nastiness. I hope not anyway

I like to have my thoughts challenged, because I’m open to the fact I could be wrong or open to the fact there is a opinion I haven’t considered before.
but the flip side is I’m not very confident, and I would say a lot of people who post are the same it’s why we are after validation for our opinion. That doesn’t mean we should get it but it means be kind in the way you express an opinion.

During lockdown, people with freedom passes were not allowed to use tfl transport before 9.30 am. This took away their right to be used 24 hours. Since lockdown this has not been revoked. Do tfl think that people with a freedom pass never need to travel before that, whatever the reason?

Within my main group of friends if someone asks for an opinion, we generally give it - warts and all. That's how I see AIBU. There are some genuinely unpleasant people, but most people seem to be just stating their opinion. Just because their opinion differs from mine, does not make it wrong. I've also seen plenty of people apologise if pulled up for various things.

However, I think an awful lot of people seem to think that someone disagreeing with them or not dressing the opinion up in sugar coated words makes the person unpleasant.

I think this is a shame that they can't take the opportunity to broaden their horizons. The very many posts where a long standing friend has (for example) said one slightly unpleasant thing or cancelled an arrangement at the last minute and the poster instantly decides to cut them out suggest that there are a lot of people without much understanding that people are not perfect all the time.

Oops! Posted here in error. Please be kind.

I did start a thread on AIBU once and got lots of really lovely replies. I seem to remember there was only one dickish one.

Quite often people will call out the odd arsey comment. I think the issue is the straw man thing, when a poster reads something into the OP that isn't actually there, then loads of replies lay into the poster because of that. I hate that.

What do you mean by "be kind" though?

"you stupid ignorant cretin, what an utterly mindless thing to think" = clearly unpleasant (and purely a personal attack, not justifying why they think that in any way)

"No, that's totally wrong. You've completely forgotten to factor in x point and y point and as soon as you include those, then what you've stated doesn't make any sense" - a lot of people seem to think that's unpleasant. I would see it as stating and justifying a contradictory opinion opinion.

89% of statistics are made up on the spot, and it's 'you're' not 'your', OP. It is what it is, though. You always get a mixture of complete arses and perfectly nice people anywhere. I think there's value in being very honest.

Yes, I agree, OP. Sometimes it seems like a higher proportion!

When threads like this appear, you usually also get a few rude responses of the 'tough luck - if you don't like the heat, get out of the kitchen' variety. These people completely miss the point. They don't get the difference between honest advice and downright rudeness and agression.

I agree with pps who suggest this is an outlet for pent-up spite. I imagine these nasty people as keyboard warriors who we would all pity if we could see them, waiting like trap-door spiders for an OP to bash, deflate, kick when they're down etc. In real life they are probably put-upon and meek.

Recently there've been some posts where OPs have been concerned or upset that a friend doesn't value them as much as they value the person. Honest advice might be on the lines of 'It sounds as though the relationship is s bit imbalanced and that this person doesn't see your relationship in the same light. Best to back off a bit and see what happens.' But without fail you get 'They're just not into you. Are you usually this needy?' 'Are you always a mug?' etc etc. They know very well they're not being helpful and get a pathetic kick at the thought of hurting someone.

Also - someone sneered at a poster recently with the 'are you 13? Leave the school playground behind!' But I think the truth is that we are ALWAYS in the school playground, however old we get, and the bullies are still out there!

I think this is a shame that they can't take the opportunity to broaden their horizons

Wow.

I mean, I never assume I know the truth in this instance. Obviously some posters think their mean (dressed up as robust) comments are actually really helpful.

I've seen plenty of comments that are not agreeing with the OP, but are written in a careful, thoughtful way. That's what we should be doing really. Noone cares if you pride yourself on your 'directness', it's usually just rude. (That's the general 'you', not actually you personally)

@redskylight different of opinion is fine,that’s what you come on here for but comments like “ I’d hate to have you as a parent “ or “ are you stupid” is not acceptable in my opinion

I can see both sides, I think when you post to a forum asking for opinions then you have to be open to listening to opinions good and bad, whether you agree with them or not. there is a lot of posters who get offended when people don't give them the answer they want to hear.

However, there are people that add fuel to the fire and say things like "is your husband always a misogynistic dick?" 🤣 which isn't helpful at all and a huge assumption to make based on a tiny portion of someone's life they are telling us about. And people that say "dump him!" Over again, a tiny portion of someone's life, as if people are that fickle and would leave their husbands/partners/break up their families that easily.

Only 50? At least 50 are goady made up problems anyway

I agree with you. Those are just personal attacks.

But I do think there are a lot of posters that think "difference of opinion" = rude. (I've met people like this in real life as well, which makes sense as MN is obviously composed of RL people!)

As soon as you disagree with what they are saying they get defensive and accuse you of attacking them. I think some people are perhaps not used to dissent in everyday life (which again is probably normal as people tend to surround themselves with those of similar views).

Ofcourse on an anonymous forum people won't bite their tongue the same way they do in real life.

An advanced search shows you've created a couple of threads moaning your adult DC don't contact you enough, describing yourself as a stay at home mumsy mum, another moaning they don't buy you presents ect then today a thread moaning your DS asked to stay in the family home whilst your on holiday. Posters will build a picture of you from this.

I think people get offended over comments such as 'your dh sounds like a misogynistic dick!' not because the poster has magically got to the heart of the problem, but because its almost certainly not true and the OP knows its now going to go down that road rather than be more nuanced and helpful.

I know in the past, years ago, I posted something about dh and got a gazillion LTB type replies. Of course, it was something actually fairly petty in the scheme of a 30 year relationship and we are still married now, happily!

Ooh. Now that's nasty, IMO