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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to move?

40 replies

Trixie239 · 31/05/2023 03:59

Long story, so please bear with. I had a horrible upbringing in my home town, my last name is still well known there, due to badly behaved family members. I got out as soon as I could and moved away to university. Fast forward 13 years and DP gets a fantastic job offer - but the job is in my hometown. I agree to move back on the condition that we leave the second his contract is up - its a 2 year contract. We move. Children settle into schools, dp into work. I try to get work and have various horrible experiences due to family notoriety before I quit and return to study - this was done with a view to then have more work opportunities when we move . Then covid hit. Due to the lockdown we were unable to move. Now I have finished study and am desperate to move. I have no friends here, no work available, and I just hate it overall - even a trip to the shops triggers awful memories. However, DP and the children are well settled now, and do not want to move. They are all happy and have friends. DP says I need to get over it and move on. The cost of living crisis isn't helping either, it is very reasonably price where we live, and we would have to take on debt to move.

AIBU to put my wants before my families?The thought of spending the rest of my life here is making me miserable.

OP posts:
Original poster
Trixie239 · 31/05/2023 05:53

I wake at 4am and just dread what the future holds. My dc are so happy and settled here, I can't see them ever wanting to move. But I hate it.

OP posts:
TooManyMeetings · 31/05/2023 05:56

Argh you should never have agreed to go there. These time-limited moves never end as wanted. I think your husband should be more considerate to your genuine reasons for wanting to leave. Move asap. And well done for breaking free from your upbringing.

Would seeing a therapist help in any case, to deal with your trauma?

MintJulia · 31/05/2023 06:09

To be fair, after 13 years and you having changed your name (I assume), I don't imagine too many people will know you or care. There is such a skills shortage that no sane HR department would turn down the potential of a good skilled employee. And if your children are happy, they clearly aren't being picked on for being part of 'that' family.

However, if you aren't happy and don't feel comfortable, then something has to change.

I think I'd run through my week and change every link to former life. Change where you shop, where you socialise, your gym/sports club etc. Treat yourself and move up the quality tree a step. Look for jobs that are a short commute but maybe the next town over.

And enjoy the satisfaction of knowing all those people who commented were wrong, that you are not defined by your family. If you are calmly getting on with living a better life the fact they may have known you decades ago in a different set of circumstances will soon be old news. 🙂

orangegato · 31/05/2023 06:12

Your name is easily changed if you married your DP or just changed it. Maybe a remote job too?

GiveupHQ · 31/05/2023 06:30

I can’t fathom why you’d move somewhere with school aged children with a 2 year ceiling on the move. Seems very disruptive

GiveupHQ · 31/05/2023 06:31

What have you done to try to carve out a life or have you just been existing and counting down the minutes until the 2 year expiry?

Original poster
Trixie239 · 31/05/2023 09:09

@TooManyMeetings in DP's defense, and mine too, we didn't forsee covid or the resulting cost of living crisis. And it was a fantastic move for his career and our family finances. It seemed worth the short term misery. And it has been good - we are now debt free and have a lovely house with a massive garden for the dc's. To move would mean a smaller house and more debt. I can understand why he doesn't want to move..

@GiveupHQ The dc were younger (obviously) so a school change wasn't a huge deal, but now they're coming up to secondary school and I feel like it's the final nail in the coffin.

As for trying to make a go of it, I've tried, truly I have. Sometimes I think it will be ok, but then I'm reminded of who I am/was. It's a horrible feeling everytime.

OP posts:
Imogensmumma · 31/05/2023 09:15

Can you get out and volunteer in the community, therefore show you are different than your upbringing.

I agree with other pp’s it was never going to work as a temporary move so you need to own that. Show the town/village you are different. Maybe also some counselling might be worth it as I wouldn’t remember who the terrible families were when I grew up so it might be playing on your mind. Unless your last name is Venables in which change your name yesterday

GiveupHQ · 31/05/2023 09:17

but concerning your dh is happy to live somewhere his partner seems so profoundly unhappy in

SunLightButMoonlightIsBest · 31/05/2023 09:30

Do you ever see the family members who caused the problems? I have estranged family and live in my home town and my life has completely paused because I’m terrified of running into them. Is that the issue? Or are you worried what other people are saying or thinking because of the family link? Are these family members still living in your home town?
If I moved away I wouldn’t even consider moving back, you really shouldn’t have agreed to move if it’s as bad as you say it is. You can’t turn back the clock, but you need to let your partner know how bad it’s making you feel and remind him of the agreement that it was only meant to be temporary.

Original poster
Trixie239 · 31/05/2023 09:34

@Imogensmumma I really have tried. One example, I was watching my dc at a sports practice and one of the parents said hello to me. I recognized him instantly as being a childhood friend of one of my siblings. I smiled, said hello back, made pleasant small talk and hoped he didn't recognize me. Later I saw him watching me from the otherside of the field, then after the practice, as we were walking the dc to our cars, I said "bye, see you next week". And he said stiffly "I've just realized where I know you from", and walked away. Nothing else was said, but after that none of the other parents spoke to me and my dc was edged out of game time. We quit that particular sport and found another. Since then, similar has occurred, but the dc's have not been ostracized, just me.

@GiveupHQ I try to look on the bright side - we have a lovely home, the dc are happy and settled, dp has a great job and financially we are ok which is pretty important, especially in the current climate. A move would change all of that.

OP posts:
Imogensmumma · 31/05/2023 09:38

Sounds like a horrible place to live by your new update and very insular. Can you and your DH compromise and move another village or town over?

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 31/05/2023 09:41

💙

EmpressSoleil · 31/05/2023 09:42

I understand. For various reasons I would never want to return to my home town either.

I think you have 2 options based on how desperate you feel. One is to make your DP really listen to you and take on board how you feel. With a strong reminder that you only agreed as it was meant to be temporary. If you are going to move you need to do it sooner rather than later as you don’t want the DC settled in secondary. They may not like it, but they will adapt. Having a depressed mum for the rest of their childhood wouldn’t be good for them either.

Or you ride it out for a few more years while they finish school and you might be able to downsize then anyway. But there is the risk the rest of the family won’t agree even then.

It’s all very well for your DP to say “get over it”. He has a job and friends. You don’t. So he’s actually being quite selfish. If his only concern was for your DC that would be one thing, but he likes his life and seemingly doesn’t give a shit how you feel. That is selfish.

parietal · 31/05/2023 09:49

if you want to tackle the ostracism, would it be better to take a head-on approach. you've gone for the option of hoping people don't connect you to bad-relatives, but as soon as they do then everything goes wrong.

what if you were up-front about the bad-relatives and make it absolutely clear that you consider them unacceptable. So tell people - yes, my cousin/brother is person X but I have cut all ties and want nothing to do with them.

would that allow you to make more positive connections?

Or if you are going to move, move asap before your kids start secondary. moving at primary age is relatively easy but moving at secondary is not.

GiveupHQ · 31/05/2023 09:51

I think the key is you have school aged children but no work or friends and you’re plain bored!

GiveupHQ · 31/05/2023 09:51

How do you spend your days?

GiveupHQ · 31/05/2023 09:53

And he said stiffly "I've just realized where I know you from", and walked away. Nothing else was said, but after that none of the other parents spoke to me and my dc was edged out of game time.

I am afraid Op - I don’t believe this happened. I believe you see shadows where there are none

Shinyandnew1 · 31/05/2023 09:55

I recognized him instantly as being a childhood friend of one of my siblings.

So he was actively a friend of your sibling but you were just unfortunate enough to be born into the family?

Why did he stop talking to you-what did he think you had done?

GiveupHQ · 31/05/2023 09:55

You last lived there 13 years agp

and you’re saying this man behaved like this?

GiveupHQ · 31/05/2023 09:56

Shinyandnew1 · 31/05/2023 09:55

I recognized him instantly as being a childhood friend of one of my siblings.

So he was actively a friend of your sibling but you were just unfortunate enough to be born into the family?

Why did he stop talking to you-what did he think you had done?

And all these other families ostracising the OP AND apparently their children

Original poster
Trixie239 · 31/05/2023 10:08

@GiveupHQ you are being goady and unkind. This may be outing, but I testified against a family member. They were acquitted. I'm assuming he thinks I'm a liar. I am not. If I am seeing shadows where there are none - how do I stop?

OP posts:
GiveupHQ · 31/05/2023 10:11

You seriously think that children didn’t pass the ball to your child because that man recognised you and told other parents, and they then… called over the children and told them not to pass to your child?

Shinyandnew1 · 31/05/2023 10:14

Trixie239 · 31/05/2023 10:08

@GiveupHQ you are being goady and unkind. This may be outing, but I testified against a family member. They were acquitted. I'm assuming he thinks I'm a liar. I am not. If I am seeing shadows where there are none - how do I stop?

So your family had some dodgy members, you stood up against them and testified in court but the friends of your family members-such as this man-think you were lying, so don’t like you?

Is this man still friends with your family members?

Hankunamatata · 31/05/2023 10:14

Tbh iv never made parent friends from school or kids activities.

Are you looking jobs further away. Perhaps something a good commute, like an hour will give you fresh start in work.