To want to move?

[Trixie239]

Long story, so please bear with. I had a horrible upbringing in my home town, my last name is still well known there, due to badly behaved family members. I got out as soon as I could and moved away to university. Fast forward 13 years and DP gets a fantastic job offer - but the job is in my hometown. I agree to move back on the condition that we leave the second his contract is up - its a 2 year contract. We move. Children settle into schools, dp into work. I try to get work and have various horrible experiences due to family notoriety before I quit and return to study - this was done with a view to then have more work opportunities when we move . Then covid hit. Due to the lockdown we were unable to move. Now I have finished study and am desperate to move. I have no friends here, no work available, and I just hate it overall - even a trip to the shops triggers awful memories. However, DP and the children are well settled now, and do not want to move. They are all happy and have friends. DP says I need to get over it and move on. The cost of living crisis isn't helping either, it is very reasonably price where we live, and we would have to take on debt to move.

AIBU to put my wants before my families?The thought of spending the rest of my life here is making me miserable.

Did you not make friends on your course?

YANBU, it sounds horrible and your DP is being unfair not seeing it from your point of view. I come from a small village and know how gossipy and cliquey these places can be.

However, the situation with housing expensive and children settled is clearly not ideal. If you do need to stay put for a while, can you find ways to cope? Find a remote job or one in a different town nearby? Same with activities and socializing for you? Is there anyone at all in your town you could be friends with? How did your DP make friends?

If I was in your position I would move. Being happy with where you are is important and so is feeling good about yourself. From what you describe it’s like you’ll never break away from your past or the feeling of pre-judgment from local people. That’s a lot to have to live with when by moving life could be so much simpler.
Families movie all of the time with work and in most cases the disruption to young children is temporary- it’s not like you’re going to be moving them every few years.

Lots of people don’t want to live in their hometown for good reason. I didn’t. Mine felt very claustrophobic to me, because I felt like even when I was older and no matter how I had changed personally, family and old friends always see you as the person you were. I loved taking a clean break to establish my life on my terms.
Your family will be just fine. If you want to move, move.

Your area is so isolated and insular that your identity is forever tarnished to a point where you can not secure any employment because all employers know you are mud.

But there are employers that employee from all around the UK....
So there must be new people in the area who came as adults thus having no connection to the gossip.

And if they are gossiped with you're saying every single adult in that area has bought into it and shunned you and you're small children.

@Scarfweather claustrophobic is exactly how I feel. My life is lovely as long as it's within my home and garden. Outside of that, it's very triggering.

I need to discuss this with dp and get some sort of exit plan in place.

Sorry you feel like this OP, sounds distressing and I can imagine it's a daily struggle. Is there no option to move slightly further away to make the break but close enough so that the DC and DH can stay in current jobs/schools but with just a little extra travelling? I can imagine you're on Rightmove etc a lot already but other than moving just to the edge or out of town I can't think of another solution that would help all of you. Best wishes for whatever you decide x

Could you move say 10 miles away? That way children in secondary school could commute back (is a bus available?) or at least still see their friends, and DH wouldn’t need to change jobs. I don’t blame you at all, but if they’re all happy I think you need a compromise. I’d move towns, not wholesale regions.

How teeny tiny is this community that also has great financial job prospects for your dh and great secondary schools?

@GiveupHQ you seem to be taking this personally, do you know me irl? I've never said it was a teeny tiny town. But people talk. It only takes one person to remember and the gossip starts. And I have bad memories associated with the place. The whole area is just depressing.

For those not taking it personally, has anyone any useful tips on how to not be triggered by childhood memories? Even driving past a playground reminds me of awful things.

@VestaTilley We could move to a village on the outskirts, but the dc's will need constant lifts in to town, especially as they get older. It's impossible to avoid all trigger spots. I usually try to look for the positives, but I'm finding that harder and harder the more my dp and dc's settle in.

I get it. I live somewhere like that and hate it. It's damaged my health irrevocably.

I'd go for an outside village. Then make sure the eldest learns to drive as soon as they're able. There will be some buses hopefully.

You matter too.

@Stabee thank you for your understanding. If you don't mind me asking, how did it damage your health?

I developed fibromyalgia from extreme stress.

Some suggestions: could you move to a village and accept the lifts for the DC as a trade off, change your surname to DPs, look in to getting some therapy for the triggers and your trauma?

I do sympathise, I grew up in a village of 500 people and university allowed me to escape. I wouldn’t move back (but I would move ten miles away to also lovely towns and villages where nobody knows me).

OP this is no way for you to live and will really damage your MH long term. You've obviously given it your best shot and also put your family's needs above your own but it's clearly an issue that isn't going to go away for you, so I think you're going to need to be more proactive and assertive - get an exit plan underway, as you suggest. Obviously it's not ideal if your kids are going to need lifts, but moving to a village on the outskirts seems like a really sensible compromise and one your DH should seriously consider. It seems the best option for giving you a better quality of life.

Agree with PP about trying some therapy to cope with the triggers. Hope things get better for you.

This is totally unnecessary.

OP, have you had any kind of therapy?

Are your family members still around the area?