Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for being fuming with ex?

41 replies

Ontheperiphery79 · 30/05/2023 20:19

This weekend, my ex was visiting our DC and wanted to take both to see some family members.

Our DC are ND (both on waiting list for Autism Assessment.

One DC absolutely fine to go, the other flatly refused and I could see her getting visibly stressed with his arsenal of manipulation to get her to comply, including telling her she could go in the front of the car 🤬 (for context, they're 5yr old twins).

I butted in and said she didn't have to go. I've explained to him countless times that she's not being lazy or obstinate. Her sensory processing differences can make her vomit (such as the wrong 'smell' or 'noise'), which happens without fail when she is in his car (no-one else's car has this effect upon her, funnily enough).

Anyway, he wouldn't let it drop and DC started sobbing in a pre-meltdown fashion and I picked her up and took her to my bedroom.

He followed, yelling at me that a 5 year old child needs to do what they are told, whatever "condition" (and he waved his hand in a dismissive manner) they have and I'm setting them up to fail in life, by giving into them (especially her, apparently). He ended by saying that anything that is wrong with them is my fault.

Upshot was that he took the other DC for the day, and I asked him to leave after more having a go at me when they got back.
WIBU? Should I have forced my Autistic child to have gone to see her family with her father?

I don't think I use their Autism as an excuse to let them opt out of things/do what they want, but maybe I am without realising?!

I'm left feeling confused and hurt, as felt bullied by him, which is not a new experience, but to be told I'm a bad parent? It's a kick in the teeth.

Hope this makes sense, as I'm also ND (Autistic/ADHD) and cam struggle to get my point across.

OP posts:
CastleTurrets · 30/05/2023 20:30

Irrespective of who is right and wrong you need to have a word with him when he is calm and receptive (away from the children) about what is/is not appropriate behaviour around your children. The fact that they are possibly ND makes it all the worse as they can struggle even more than NT children with emotionally charged situations.

I'd also recommend speaking to him about what it is like to be NT and work together on strategies. Irrespective of the fact your relationship together didn't work out you both need to work together as a team for what is best for your children.

Original poster
Ontheperiphery79 · 30/05/2023 20:43

@CastleTurrets both are definitely ND and I've honestly tried since they were toddlers to speak to him about what things they struggle with as individuals and why this is etc, as well as what has and hasn't worked for me in supporting them, but he just shuts down.

He was great with the girls when they were babies and younger toddlers (I left him when they were 4 months old, but he has seen them regularly since), but I think he has found it harder as they have got older, as they have started to develop their own 'voices'.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 30/05/2023 20:46

You say he was visiting them, do they not have regular contact with him at his own place?

Original poster
Ontheperiphery79 · 30/05/2023 20:58

@AnneLovesGilbert nope. He lives the other side of the country and has a one bed flat; a male friend has been staying there on and off for several months. Not an environment suitable for my DC.
Since my ex moved away 4 years ago, I've been letting him stay at my home (and trying to keep out of the way whilst he is around) just to ensure my DC see him as regularly as possible.

OP posts:
MayBeeJuneSoon · 30/05/2023 21:02

Start dropping them off somewhere....arrange to swap in a local park maybe, or cafe

You will need a good relationship with him and so will they

Looking to the future, you will need this break

Original poster
Ontheperiphery79 · 30/05/2023 21:45

@MayBeeJuneSoon he lives the other side of the country.

I have done my hardest to maintain amicable relations, and have never done anything other than to promote positive, regular contact, including letting him stay at my home.

OP posts:
MayBeeJuneSoon · 30/05/2023 21:47

Yes that's fine but you can still drop at a park rather than home where there is the option to retreat to a bedroom

Same as school, tell them goodbye and walk off

Original poster
Ontheperiphery79 · 30/05/2023 21:50

@AnneLovesGilbert not quite as simple as that with neurodivergent children.

OP posts:
underneaththeash · 30/05/2023 21:52

No, I think you should have passed her over to your ex and let him sort the issue out.

MayBeeJuneSoon · 30/05/2023 21:55

Me too

Original poster
Ontheperiphery79 · 30/05/2023 22:01

@underneaththeash and @MayBeeJuneSoon had I done so, she would have gone into meltdown and, had he got her in the car, her sensory processing issues would have resulted in her vomiting, thus exacerbating her already significant distress.

OP posts:
EasterBreak · 30/05/2023 22:10

I think yabu op and made the situation worse unfortunately. You seem to just be making excuses. Can understand dads frustration here. (My child has diognosed autism and adhd in case you say I don't understand)

Nanny0gg · 30/05/2023 22:20

Ontheperiphery79 · 30/05/2023 21:45

@MayBeeJuneSoon he lives the other side of the country.

I have done my hardest to maintain amicable relations, and have never done anything other than to promote positive, regular contact, including letting him stay at my home.

Then he can get an ABnB

Your home needs to be a safe space for you and your children. It isn't with him in it

Original poster
Ontheperiphery79 · 30/05/2023 22:26

@EasterBreak I wouldn't presume to tell anyone they don't understand.

If, as a parent you'd make your AuDHD child do something that you know will make them puke and meltdown, then that's your choice, but it's not something I'd do to my child.

If that's making excuses, then it's making excuses; I would have more than happily encouraged her/made her go, were it not for the fact that she was sobbing so much (this, in a child who struggles to know how she is feeling and whom I have worked really hard with ( as has her teacher) to help her articulate her needs and preferences, rather than masking/fawning/suffering in silence)).

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 30/05/2023 22:29

underneaththeash · 30/05/2023 21:52

No, I think you should have passed her over to your ex and let him sort the issue out.

This.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 30/05/2023 22:37

If a child doesnt want to go with a non resident parent to the point of meltdown and vomiting and that parent appears dismissive of their likely additional needs, then no I wouldn't have made her go. It doesnt sound to me to be in the best interests of the child if that's how they interact together.

candlesflamesandbrooms · 30/05/2023 22:38

Look I have asd so I can bit a bit blunt.

But I actually think you made this into a bigger thing. A court would also not be pleased you aren't handing over the children at the allocated time.

5 years old doesn't have a independent voice of their own as they can be easily influenced...

I think you got this wrong here op and it's to the detriment of your kids. Sadly.

FictionalCharacter · 30/05/2023 22:41

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 30/05/2023 22:37

If a child doesnt want to go with a non resident parent to the point of meltdown and vomiting and that parent appears dismissive of their likely additional needs, then no I wouldn't have made her go. It doesnt sound to me to be in the best interests of the child if that's how they interact together.

I agree, and he was out of order to follow you around in your own home yelling at you in front of the kids. That isn’t going to make them feel happy about seeing him.

Pallisers · 30/05/2023 22:41

I can see why you wouldn't just hand over your child, OP, but the thing is that your ex will never grasp what is really going on with his children until he has to deal with it. If at the point the ex was making plans to visit family, you simply left to go to the shops, he'd have been left dealing with your dd's distress at getting into the car. Maybe he'd have listened to her or maybe he'd have forced her and maybe cleaning up vomit from his car would teach him once and for all that he needs to listen when she tells him she is distressed.

I completely understand why you intervened and I also think you are protecting your ex as much as your children - he is not understanding what it is to rear these particular children because you are running interference for him. Just stop. When he is in your house (and I strongly urge you to rethink that), then go out, let him at it, don't be there being the real parent. Let him see what it is like.

millymollymoomoo · 30/05/2023 22:46

Not sure why you posted
yabu but refuse to even acknowledge
in which case why post when you don’t want answers

Original poster
Ontheperiphery79 · 30/05/2023 22:49

@candlesflamesandbrooms I'm Autistic, so I, too, can be very blunt.

As there is no court order in place, nor have we ever been through family court, that particular point is hardly pertinent.

My ex was staying at my home; he was trying to manipulate my child into going, totally disregarding her wants and needs.

So, no, I was not going to let her be bullied by a father who refuses to acknowledge her Neurodivergency and doesn't even try to meet her where she is at (rather than where he wants her to be).

I don't actually see it as particularly good parenting to model to my child that she has to comply/bend to the will of an adult, to the detriment of her emotional and physical well-being.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ontheperiphery79 · 30/05/2023 22:55

@millymollymoomoo I've read everyone's replies and it's been good to hear what others think, but I guess I'm still processing things (I, like my DC, have sensory processing issues).

So, just because I'm not suddenly having an epiphany, doesn't mean I'm not at least considering people's responses.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ontheperiphery79 · 30/05/2023 23:09

@Pallisers before he moved his mate in, our DC had been to stay with him, having built it up gradually.

I'm trying to take on board what people are saying, but I guess my lived reality of my ex is that he used to steam-roller me into getting his own way and, no, I'm not prepared to let either of my children be subjected to that.

I've never stood in his way of seeing the girls, and for 4 years I've let him swan in and out of my home, just because I knew our DC wouldn't see him with the degree of regularity that they have.

I spoke to him earlier and just said he's welcome to visit whenever, but not staying at my home again, and I have said that I will bring the girls over to where he lives over the Summer.

I've also spoken to his family who live in my area, and we're going to get together, so they have the chance to see both DC.

OP posts:
candlesflamesandbrooms · 30/05/2023 23:20

Ontheperiphery79 · 30/05/2023 22:49

@candlesflamesandbrooms I'm Autistic, so I, too, can be very blunt.

As there is no court order in place, nor have we ever been through family court, that particular point is hardly pertinent.

My ex was staying at my home; he was trying to manipulate my child into going, totally disregarding her wants and needs.

So, no, I was not going to let her be bullied by a father who refuses to acknowledge her Neurodivergency and doesn't even try to meet her where she is at (rather than where he wants her to be).

I don't actually see it as particularly good parenting to model to my child that she has to comply/bend to the will of an adult, to the detriment of her emotional and physical well-being.

It's pertinent because if you don't get on some type of page with him re contact he can take you to court and this type of thing would be frowned upon and you won't look good. Ffs people are trying to help you

My toddler who is also ND had a meltdown once because I wouldn't let her put a fork into a plug socket. So much so she vomited. So I do get it but that doesn't mean you let them put the fork in the plug socket. It's about handling the emotions not avoiding the emotions at all costs.

And if she's sick in his car well he's gonna have to learn some coping mechanisms to help her through.

Meanwhile how do you expect your ex to have quality time when it's only allowed at your house. Of course she's gonna meltdown if that's where contacts only ever been with dad ?

You have asked for opinions and you are being a bit hostile and everyone's actually being quite nice. If you take this type approach (with random mn strangers) I can see how you had a ding dong with your ex.

I suspect this has more to do with how you feel with your ex than actually how the kids feel with your ex. And I think if your a good mum you will reflect on that with honest eyes.

Original poster
Ontheperiphery79 · 30/05/2023 23:53

@candlesflamesandbrooms, if I'm coming across as hostile, such is not my intention, but I've been told I have a somewhat stiff writing style.

Contact hasn't always been solely at mine. It's only been since his mate moved into his 1 bed flat and some other issues I can't detail, because they are too outing (in relation to his lifestyle choices and the DC he shares with his first wife)).

He has ample quality time with our DC on the weekends he visits, as I make myself scarce and leave them to it. I just happened to be in for a few mins yesterday. Were the set-up at his flat to be child friendly/appropriate, then I wouldn't hesitate to take our DC over there and leave them with him

I've bent over backwards to promote/facilitate contact and I think I've been one hell of a lot more accommodating than a lot of people would have been over the years, considering the circumstances.

I guess I don't feel I was being unreasonable; I wasn't sure how I felt when I started this thread.

OP posts: