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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not pay this back

57 replies

moneyquestion22 · 30/05/2023 16:46

very outing but whatever. i am really quite upset by this.
family member bought tickets to a big event a few hours away as a gift. i am broke - 2 under 2 and currently on mat leave (smp) i have a 0 hour contract and have been told there’s probably no hours to go back to so god knows what my life looks like in july onward. family member knows this. regardless the event is something i absolutely love and know she spent a lot on tickets for so i said ok screw it i’ll find a way to slot it into the budget since the main ticket was a gift.

booked coach for a fiver, and found a cheap hotel. family member then last minute got all funny about the coach and how we’d be late etc etc (we wouldn’t) and how it made it less fun. i didn’t want to argue so agreed we’d change journey there to a train. 30 quid extra out of pocket.

got there and had a great time but then the public transport was insane and blocked off for ages on the way back to the hotel. checked uber and it said it would be a tenner so i said ok let’s just split it i can work with that. by the time we’d walked to somewhere the uber could access we checked again and it said £30. family member started arguing with me saying we should have stayed at the train stop and just waited. we had a huge falling out last year so i didn’t want to risk arguing and just said ok split the taxi whatever. by the time she booked it it went to £40. i said actually no i can’t afford/justify that let’s leave it so we went to nearby bar to warm up before planning to walk back to the train stop. family member booked the taxi anyway and basically just said it’s here get in.

said to me on the way home remember to transfer the taxi money. then texted me earlier saying send me £20. i haven’t replied because i am actually quite upset. this is a close family member who is well aware that her one wage (not including her husbands) is almost double my entire household income and she has no kids or nursery fees etc to worry about. i panic when the formula tub starts to get low. i literally don’t have £20 to my name i genuinely have £1.04 in my bank right now and my mat pay stops next month.

i just don’t even know what to say i just feel hurt that she has no idea how big a deal £20 is in my position. i went to the event with intentions to budget and now i’m £30 down from the train and she wants £20 for a taxi i agreed to cancel. wibu to just ignore her.

OP posts:
Original poster
moneyquestion22 · 30/05/2023 18:47

thanks everyone. i actually feel so nervous to talk to her about it for some reason. thing is she mentioned multiple times about how ‘broke’ she is and in the same breath said she can afford a 9k car in cash and has savings for a mortgage. she’s one of those who doesn’t count savings as real money and i really just don’t actually think she gets it which i find so frustrating.

OP posts:
Itsanotherhreatday · 30/05/2023 18:49

Nobody should buy gifts that then require extra funds to use - it’s hardly a gift?

if you were my sister I wouldn’t have mentioned it.

I also have savings I don’t see as real money - helps separate the finds - bit I’m not a dick.

Original poster
moneyquestion22 · 30/05/2023 18:50

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 30/05/2023 18:41

Your sister is being an idiot. If it were me I’d write this off. The only time I wouldn’t (and I don’t lend my DB money) is if happened again and again and I was expected not to be paid back.

Siblings get very strange about money and what’s owed to them and paid ourt (my SIL and her DB but that’s to do with a flat they both own yet he’s hardly paid anything towards).

exactly. dh’s sister owes him hundreds from before i met him so literally like 5 years ago and he’s wrote it off because he knows she can’t afford it. i just find her so unforgiving and zero empathy considering she is the first person to spout up about mental health and works in that field but doesn’t somehow link the massive connection between mental health issues and financial issues. like she can’t see how a £20 taxi can be a huge emotional drain on someone all i can think right now is that’s 2 tubs of formula for my child

OP posts:
TellKingTutIWantMyMummy · 30/05/2023 18:53

Send her a screenshot of your bank account and say you physically can’t right now.

LaMaG · 30/05/2023 18:56

TellKingTutIWantMyMummy · 30/05/2023 18:53

Send her a screenshot of your bank account and say you physically can’t right now.

I was literally going to say the same thing!

Hollyppp · 30/05/2023 18:57

Dacadactyl · 30/05/2023 18:08

@moneyquestion22 I thought as much about it being your older sister.

Look, if you think she might get angry with you over it, just ring her up, say "I don't want to fall out with you over the money, but things are really tight for us at the minute with me being on SMP. I'm embarrassed to have to tell you this but I didn't want you to know the ins and outs of our situation. Id really appreciate it if you could cover the cab for me because I really had carefully budgeted for the night out and told you at the time i coudlnt afford it."

Don't let her bully you or make you feel bad. And if she still comes back asking for the money, she's a bullshitter and not on half as much as she makes out. What sort of well off sister (after finding out her sibling is struggling for money) badgers her for 20 quid?!

This

LaMaG · 30/05/2023 19:01

There are 2 types of "broke" people, those who actually do not have money and those that no longer have it cos they spent it all on themselves already. My sis claims she is 'broke" at the end of the month but she eats out 4 times a week.

I think be honest about your current situation and how desperate things are. Maybe remind her that you had said you couldn't afford the taxi and could she wait a few weeks for it. Then when you have 3 or 4 to spare pay her back over the months, if she has any decency she will write it off.

I think she is BVU and I feel really bad for the tight spot you are in. And ignore the nasty comments upthread, you are doing your best and it won't always be so hard xx

peacelemon · 30/05/2023 19:04

You should have not got in the taxi and got the train

peacelemon · 30/05/2023 19:04

Can you not just say look I'm going to have to owe you as I have zero money?

mondaytosunday · 30/05/2023 19:10

Some gift.
She booked the taxi after you told her you couldn't afford it so she should pay.
Next time though work out things better and don't go if you can't afford to.

Bournetilly · 30/05/2023 19:11

Explain to her how bad things are and that you can hardly afford formula and nappies for your child. If she doesn’t understand that she’s a horrible person.

AhNowTed · 30/05/2023 19:11

Hi OP

Suggest the following....

Hi sis

I’m sorry but I don’t have £20 right now.

I have literally £1.04 in my bank account to last me till XXXX.

My maternity pay stops next month, and unfortunately I have no other money.

I appreciate I could have refused the taxi, but I had planned and budgeted for cheaper transport.

I am happy to pay you back over time, but £20 is a huge amount to me right now, and I just don’t have it in one go.

.............

Words to that effect OP.

RunningFromInsanity · 30/05/2023 19:13

I’m probably going to sound crass here but it’s not my intention, just clumsily trying to put this across. I was just incredible fortunate to be that ignorant.

Your sister, like me, might have no idea what ‘broke’ actually means. Before MN it never occurred to me that people might only have £1 in their bank account.
For me, I start worrying about ‘not having’ money when it gets down to triple figures, and then I would say I ‘can’t afford’ £20 here and there.
If you told me you literally didn’t have £20 in your account I would be mortified I even asked and would definitely write it off and be more aware of expenditures on future days out.

Cc1998 · 30/05/2023 19:15

so i said ok screw it i’ll find a way to slot it into the budget

You shouldn't have gone if you can't afford it. You answered your own question, you should find a way to pay your share. You should have said no thank you if you couldn't.

YoSof · 30/05/2023 19:24

Cc1998 · 30/05/2023 19:15

so i said ok screw it i’ll find a way to slot it into the budget

You shouldn't have gone if you can't afford it. You answered your own question, you should find a way to pay your share. You should have said no thank you if you couldn't.

Find a way how exactly? How do you magic up money? The OP budgeted for what was originally agreed and could have afforded that but her sister changed the plans.

Its hard enough living with fuck all, should the OP have really declined one night out as a gift?

I really, really hate when people thing that those who are struggling financially should have no enjoyment in life at all, or are told to just “find the money”.

Cc1998 · 30/05/2023 19:34

YoSof · 30/05/2023 19:24

Find a way how exactly? How do you magic up money? The OP budgeted for what was originally agreed and could have afforded that but her sister changed the plans.

Its hard enough living with fuck all, should the OP have really declined one night out as a gift?

I really, really hate when people thing that those who are struggling financially should have no enjoyment in life at all, or are told to just “find the money”.

Show quote history

I was quoting the OP who originally said they would find the money. I'm not sure how OP planned to do that.

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 30/05/2023 19:39

Pay it back in dribs and drabs as you can.

Never go anywhere with him/her again.

Go lc and look after yourself your kids and your finances

YoSof · 30/05/2023 20:06

Cc1998 · 30/05/2023 19:34

I was quoting the OP who originally said they would find the money. I'm not sure how OP planned to do that.

Show quote history

Sorry, my mistake.

Having been on the receiving end of “just find the money” comments before it makes me quite angry!

Sprinkles211 · 30/05/2023 20:07

I'm really sorry op but if you panic when the baby formula starts to get low you really can't afford the trip at all and shouldn't of gone. I've been where you are it's not fun you will find your way out but for now you really need to not spend the pennies and buy some extra formula xx

Cc1998 · 30/05/2023 20:44

YoSof · 30/05/2023 20:06

Sorry, my mistake.

Having been on the receiving end of “just find the money” comments before it makes me quite angry!

Show quote history

I get that x

Dressydress · 30/05/2023 20:52

I think she's incredibly mean and if it was me I wouldn't be asking you for the £20! But as she isn't very nice and she's asking I would say I can't at the moment however I will pay you back next month or whenever as I wouldn't want her using that against me!

2bazookas · 30/05/2023 21:21

i just feel hurt that she has no idea how big a deal £20 is in my position. i went to the event with intentions to budget and now i’m £30 down from the train and she wants £20 for a taxi i agreed to cancel. wibu to just ignore her.

Of course you don't just ignore her; she was generous, and trying to give you a fun and rare night out.

You need to tell her "£20 is a really big deal to me; we just cannot afford leisure spends like that. I will pay you back but it's going to be small and regular payments. I will try to make it £1 per week. "

IDontWantToBeAPie · 31/05/2023 15:22

Honestly I'd just say 'we didn't agree to the taxi. I said I couldn't afford it. I currently have £1.84 in my bank.'

IDontWantToBeAPie · 31/05/2023 15:23

HairyKitty · 30/05/2023 16:53

The problem is that whatever you said you then got in and benefitted from the ride so you have to pay. I think you are probably equally as annoyed with yourself as with her

No she doesn't. She didn't agree to it. The other woman said fuck it and wanted the taxi not to wait so she sucks up the payment for HER veto decisions

fUNNYfACE36 · 31/05/2023 15:29

You agreed to split the taxi when it was £30 , so you need to at least give her £15 straightaway

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