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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is DD in a bizarre controlling relationship?

39 replies

Returntoearth · 30/05/2023 15:01

I am close to my DD21 she still lives at home. She has some mild additional needs that affected her as a child but she has a job, car, friends etc, she’s independent. Now my DC are adults I am more of a relaxed parent who likes to give them trust and respect. I ask them to tell me their vague plans or whereabouts so I know they are ok, but I do trust DD she’s sensible. Like they don’t have wild parties when I’m not home or anything. My house is also open to their friends or partners.

I am worried about her and am trying to be supportive so not to alienate her.

For background DD sees her dad a lot but he is not a very good dad, we separated when she was little as he is controlling and he doesn’t treat his DC very well. He’s not emotionally available and he has high expectations of the DC and they don’t like to do anything that doesn’t please him. I left him because I was very young and vulnerable but I realised he was not a good man but he’s just a good enough dad (the basics - present in their lives). DD always wanted a RS with him so I facilitated it whilst working on her self esteem to try to not let history repeat itself. I feel like I’ve failed.

DD is in a LTR with someone her own age she has known for many years - so both adults. Ive struggled to warm to him, but he’s welcome at our house and I do try to get to know him. His parents are apparently so bizarrely controlling that I can see how badly it affects my DD. They control when he sees DD, all his money, time, car, whereabouts so she ends up driving him around everywhere and all they can do is see each other for a couple of hours now and then. DD and her BF argue about his parents constantly. She is unhappy with the situation but won’t give up on him because she thinks it’s not his fault - but to see him, she has to check with his MUM. He also has a curfew before it gets dark.

They also crash all their free time so any date event DD arranges with her BF, the parents invite themselves along, and even sometimes have forced DD into doing something completely different that they want to do!

DD is allowed to stay at their house (not same room) but isn’t a big fan of them obviously, so she’s always trying to get her BF to go do things, like dinner and cinema but his mum will decide if he's allowed to go!

When she gets upset with him, DD told me he responds to her to tell her that it’s a ‘respect thing’ and DD has to talk to his parents about it if it’s bothering her! If I express any frustration when DD confides in me she gets really upset about it.

IMO it is absolutely ridiculous and I don’t know why either of them are putting up with this nonsense but she is young and this is her first real relationship. AIBU? I feel sorry for the BF having these loony parents but this has all the hallmarks of future PIL from hell doesn’t it?

OP posts:

Bananalanacake · 30/05/2023 15:05

Sounds suffocating and not normal. Does he have the money to move out and live in a flat share or as a lodger. I would not suggest they live together as it's too early but he needs to move out.

BeverlyHa · 30/05/2023 15:07

Definitely a young man ( is he above 18 ), should not have a life like that.

Weatherwife · 30/05/2023 15:08

They sound… intense. The respect thing is bizarre. Does the bf have any additional needs as well?

SummerInSun · 30/05/2023 15:09

Unless you accidentally mistyped their ages and they are 12 not 21, this is so far outside the norm that I'd say the parents are abusing the son. He needs a mountain of therapy and to get out of their house.

CannotDoThisAnymore · 30/05/2023 15:09

Very odd especially for a young adult. Unless they have additional needs, parents need to step back

Weddingpuzzle · 30/05/2023 15:10

YANBU. Google narcissism and flying monkeys. Work out who is the one in actual control (my money is on the bf Mum being the main person, the dad the enabler and the BF a flying monkey but I don't know enough obviously).

Start conversations with your DD about this subject with 'I am curious about x, y and z and how that actually feels to you?' and 'I wonder if you think x, y and z is normal and what you think isn't normal about it' and slowly build on the teachings you have done with your DD about her father - try help her make the link.

Hopefully once she has her lightbulb moment that there are healthy, functioning interpersonal relationships to be had out there she will make her own decisions to protect herself. You can only do this from the sidelines but hearing a healthy perspective when you are in a toxic situation really does help - it's the drip, drip effect that works.

Redshoeblueshoe · 30/05/2023 15:15

This is not normal

Spellcheck · 30/05/2023 15:15

Like Weddingpuzzle said above - try and get her to work it out for herself by asking certain questions. A very good piece of advice there to ask her how it makes her feel. Does she think this is normal?
She’s so lucky to have you to help her.

OhComeOnFFS · 30/05/2023 15:15

Her boyfriend obviously has a very unhealthy and weird family.

Does your daughter accept her dad was controlling? Could you talk to her about your time with him and discuss the controlling things he did? Then you could say how easy it is for someone who's been in a controlling relationship to move onto another controlling relationship because it feels familiar and that someone is in charge of things?

Ellie450 · 30/05/2023 15:18

Is there a cultural issue on his side that you’ve neglected to mention?

Velvian · 30/05/2023 15:26

Do you think that it is to the extent of being financial abuse and coercive control? If it is that bad, I would possibly think about reporting to police or to Adult Social Services as a concern for a vulnerable adult.

Original poster

Returntoearth · 30/05/2023 16:15

I am happy to answer no he doesn’t have any needs. Sometimes I think he doesn’t mind as it means he can get out of things and blame his parents so I am wary of fully committing to him being in a terrible situation, it’s possible it’s not always true? I just can’t understand why he tolerates it the way he does otherwise. He does not stand up to them and just says he accepts it. He will try to talk to his parents sometimes apparently when DD gets upset (usually when they make plans and the parents force him to change them) but from what I know his mother has severe anxiety about him and they also expect he is just fully dedicated to his birth family so they want him to spend all his time there out of choice. They think that’s what family is about. I’m not sure it’s cultural. He has no intention of moving out.

DD is so much more aware of coercive control now she’s older, it just upsets her to face it to be honest. She doesn’t like to think badly of people. I know she knows it’s not right though. So this evening he had plans with her and his mum has forced him to cancel them so I am going to take her out instead.

OP posts:

Equalitea · 30/05/2023 16:25

Is there a culture difference between DD and her partner?

SparklyBlackKitten · 30/05/2023 16:43

why the hell is your daughter staying with this guy

Surely this guy has special needs or he has a low IQ or is being abused at home more than superficial...

This is batshit

Who are these pp's saying maybe its cultural?!?!Wtf. Just because some cultures have certain traditions doesn't mean they can't be batshit regardless 😅

But tbh. This is something that your dd needs to sort out
I can't under she says with this dude when she can clearly see there is no future with him

Chocolatelabradorsarethebest · 30/05/2023 16:51

Having been in a controlling relationship yourself, I'd have thought you'd have had a bit more empathy with the poor lad and wouldn't say things like 'I just can’t understand why he tolerates it the way he does otherwise. He does not stand up to them and just says he accepts it.' How would you have felt if people thought that of you?

CannotDoThisAnymore · 30/05/2023 16:54

Hes going to have to recognise this himself and stand up to his parents. Sad situation. I feel sorry for him. His mum needs to let go. Hes an adult now. They might worry about him but jeez. I dread to think what his mum might say if they ever get time together alone to do IT.

LakeTiticaca · 30/05/2023 17:06

Without sounding harsh I think your daughter should think long and hard about continuing this relationship. It doesn't bode well for the long term, if his parents control his every move, in the event of them getting married (if the parents actually allow it) would youe daughter be under their control as well? Sounds to me like a she would be signing up to a lifetime of controlling PIL

dapsnotplimsolls · 30/05/2023 17:17

It'll only change when he moves out. If he's not prepared to do that, then he has to put up with it.

Createausername1970 · 30/05/2023 17:29

It is worrying for you that your DD is in this relationship. I have a friend who has a DD who has moved in with BF and is in a similar situation - told how many times she can have a bath during the week etc.

My friend and I have discussed this and both came to the conclusion that her DD has to make the move to leave the relationship and come home, my friend can't force her, despite her DD being obviously unhappy. If there is any fall out, my friend will be blamed and possibly damage relationship with DD. So my friend stays in contact with DD, and offers sympathy and/or some straight talking home truths as appropriate, but doesn't pressure her into leaving.

So my suggestion is to keep the lines of communication open with your DD, be honest when something sounds ludicrous, but don't overly critical - these could become in-laws and its hard to un-say some things - and try to get her to make the decision herself to walk away from this relationship/situation.

BlameItOnTheGoose · 30/05/2023 17:39

If your DD is coming to you for help/advice, I would probably try nudging her away from the relationship.

She is never going to fix these people and she is way too young - and life is too short - to be dragged down by this sort of manipulative behaviour.

Knowing when to end a relationship is an important adult skill!

InsomniacVampire · 30/05/2023 20:27

Does he have special needs and his parents control him because they are scared he cannot be independent?

pompypomppomp · 30/05/2023 22:26

Sounds almost similiar to an ex, who's from a certain culture, where this is common. It's toxic as hell, I can't understand how this whole culture has taken on this dynamic. It makes no one happy.

pompypomppomp · 30/05/2023 22:29

And btw, she will end up being equally as controlled by his parents the longer this goes on. They will likely guilt trip her emotionally and with extravagant gifts. It will make her miserable. So sorry your daughter is in this position.

2bazookas · 30/05/2023 22:54

Does BF have special needs? Are you aware of any reason the parents are hugely protective/worried?

Original poster

Returntoearth · 31/05/2023 11:19

@Chocolatelabradorsarethebest I think I was saying this in the context of that I get the impression that he can also use his parents as an easy cop out of seeing DD, especially when it’s him coming to her. Then they all can coerce her into going round to his house. She’s working all day then going there they don’t even offer her any dinner. Sometimes he hasn’t even been at work. She sits there till 9pm then comes home. Not even BF offers or gets her anything. He also won’t eat at our house if I make food and he often will leave when I get home. I took them out for dinner once with our family and he was stressy and fussy the whole time and it makes DD stressy. I think he might be quite settled in how things are

OP posts:

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