Is DD in a bizarre controlling relationship?

[Returntoearth]

I am close to my DD21 she still lives at home. She has some mild additional needs that affected her as a child but she has a job, car, friends etc, she’s independent. Now my DC are adults I am more of a relaxed parent who likes to give them trust and respect. I ask them to tell me their vague plans or whereabouts so I know they are ok, but I do trust DD she’s sensible. Like they don’t have wild parties when I’m not home or anything. My house is also open to their friends or partners.

I am worried about her and am trying to be supportive so not to alienate her.

For background DD sees her dad a lot but he is not a very good dad, we separated when she was little as he is controlling and he doesn’t treat his DC very well. He’s not emotionally available and he has high expectations of the DC and they don’t like to do anything that doesn’t please him. I left him because I was very young and vulnerable but I realised he was not a good man but he’s just a good enough dad (the basics - present in their lives). DD always wanted a RS with him so I facilitated it whilst working on her self esteem to try to not let history repeat itself. I feel like I’ve failed.

DD is in a LTR with someone her own age she has known for many years - so both adults. Ive struggled to warm to him, but he’s welcome at our house and I do try to get to know him. His parents are apparently so bizarrely controlling that I can see how badly it affects my DD. They control when he sees DD, all his money, time, car, whereabouts so she ends up driving him around everywhere and all they can do is see each other for a couple of hours now and then. DD and her BF argue about his parents constantly. She is unhappy with the situation but won’t give up on him because she thinks it’s not his fault - but to see him, she has to check with his MUM. He also has a curfew before it gets dark.

They also crash all their free time so any date event DD arranges with her BF, the parents invite themselves along, and even sometimes have forced DD into doing something completely different that they want to do!

DD is allowed to stay at their house (not same room) but isn’t a big fan of them obviously, so she’s always trying to get her BF to go do things, like dinner and cinema but his mum will decide if he's allowed to go!

When she gets upset with him, DD told me he responds to her to tell her that it’s a ‘respect thing’ and DD has to talk to his parents about it if it’s bothering her! If I express any frustration when DD confides in me she gets really upset about it.

IMO it is absolutely ridiculous and I don’t know why either of them are putting up with this nonsense but she is young and this is her first real relationship. AIBU? I feel sorry for the BF having these loony parents but this has all the hallmarks of future PIL from hell doesn’t it?

Have you met his parents? It feels as though there's information missing eg the bf has additional needs or physical health issues that you're unaware of.

@BonnieBobbin
yes I’ve met them. English is not their 1st language but they do not originate from a cultural background of religion or beliefs (European country not far away from U.K.) as I have asked DD about this, they are not religious and they don’t live with larger extended family or practice this way of living in their extended family who are all living in different places around the U.K. and Europe. The BF does not have any additional needs he is a grown adult man now. DD has known him since she was a young teen I’ve met him countless times and DD has known him a long time.

I believe the DM has severe anxiety perhaps and this is the most likely explanation

A partner should add something to your life. In your DD's case, I wonder if he makes her feel more competent and able to manage? If she is usually on the receiving end of 'care' she may often feel at a disadvantage, and it can be a novelty to be able to help someone else.

While this situation sounds batshit, I don't think there's that much you can do other than be a sounding board and ask a few neutral questions that make her think about the situation.

I'd also stress to her that many relationships fail as we get older. It doesn't make either a bad person just that we don't want the same things in life we did as teenagers. I.e you are not saying there's anything wrong with him but that if she is no longer happy or it isn't moving where she would like it to, then she doesn't have to stay.

She will surely get fed up of it at some point.

This is an interesting view point actually. DD does like to be needed by others - towards me she is still quite young and immature but to the outside world she is strong and independent. I know she isn’t always really that confident but only I get to see that side of her as she feels comfortable with only me.

DD has always been quite emotionally reliant on me (as part of her additional needs) and perhaps I have modelled to her that it feels nice and secure to have that support so she is re-enacting it with her BF - she is being the ‘mum’ support figure to him? But he already has a mum so he has 2 women fighting over him!

Poor lad. How does he feel about it? Does she share that with you?

What are their plans? In that situation I'd be tempted to encourage them to bugger off for a year travelling together (presuming they are truly happy as a couple aside from his mad parents) to rip the umbilical cord for good.

When you say you struggled to warm to him, is he just very reserved? I could understand that given his situation.

I wouldn't worry about PIL yet. She's 21. Odds are this relationship won't go the distance. Just statistically.

Invite them all around to lunch and encourage the dc to bugger off out on their own. Gift them a weekend away without the dp at the time and take about how exciting it will be for them on their own. Talk about the future, what living together might look like, be really bubbly about it all.

If the dp say anything, call them out on their batshittery. Ask them why they feel like that.

Not sure how you’d go about it, but encourage Dd to see that it isn’t her job to fix him, or rescue him. Does she have other friends? Maybe subtly getting her to see how healthy family relationships work. And that her contraception is in place, last thing she needs is an additional tie to this family.

I think dd needs to understand that she doesn’t need to fix men. It’s not her job to help him, if he doesn’t want to be helped.
at 21 relationships should be adding positive things to your life only. Though it’s a lesson women much older than her have struggled to learn!!

I think I’d just be curious about how does she see her future with this man who won’t move out and who’s mum decides everything? Does she want to get married or have children? Would she want to move in with her partner? What about future holidays even.

it seems like dd is doing a lot of bending and compromising, and worrying about his needs, and he’s not really doing much to help her? He won’t even make sure she’s eaten dinner
How does she feel about that? Does that seem fair?
does that in any way mirror her relationship with her dad?

Some parents are controlling and abusive. That is the reality. And they abuse sons as well as daughters. This is all he knows as a family. It doesn't sound like he has ever lived anywhere else under any other conditions. This is his family and his normal. Until you have a different experience to compare to, it is hard for some people to know how messed up and abusive their family is. He has likely always been controlled, he knows nothing else.

At some point, he will likely get away from it, but it can be hard to leave an abusive relationship you were born into it, especially when respect and family bonds and guilt are at play.

Your DD needs to realize this could go on for years yet. He will have to leave on his own timeline and that could be a long time from now. If she decides to say with him, she needs to accept this is his reality and therefore her reality. It isn't up to her to change people.

All interesting points, thank you.

I struggle to warm to him for a few reasons. Firstly and most importantly I don’t think he values DD the way I think someone should value their partner, especially as I think she goes out of her way for him and it’s not reciprocated. Like with the dinner or letting his parents crash their dates

I think it’s perhaps that his family does not seem to approve of mine either and this makes a strange kind of forced politeness atmosphere. DD also does want me to be on my ‘best behaviour’ around him and has got upset with me if there is anything that might even possibly make him feel uncomfortable so she’s constantly monitoring everything and hyper vigilant about who is doing or saying what around him to create some kind of perfect atmosphere. I really feel uncomfortable with this - in my own home. DD seems stressed when he is around that he might leave. She will run around making everything tidy and perfect. I am not doing anything in particular or out of the ordinary to cause a problem, but she has said me cleaning cooking or talking can be too loud and disturbing. She changes into someone else when she’s with him, nothing like the real DD and she wants me also to be a perfect bland version of myself too.

He is polite but doesn’t chat much at all and we have awkward bland conversations. Also he lets DD down sometimes on agreements and I am the one who has to see her upset

I feel that relationships when you're young should bring you joy. I still remember how I felt with my first boyfriend all those years ago

That isn't the case here.