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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this was too much?

47 replies

ellie09 · 30/05/2023 08:33

Hi everyone!

So my boyfriend sent me a voice note at around 2:30am on Saturday. He isn't a great sleeper so I won't generally get these until the next morning.

Anyway, I listened in the morning and I am a bit puzzled as to why someone would go to these lengths?

Maybe I'm just not asking kind as I think I am.

He heard a couple of girls outside his block of flats in the bushes and thought nothing of it until 15 minutes had passed so he recognized one as his neighbour (who he hasn't spoken to until then). He went outside to see what was going on.

They were both really drunk and apparently looking for the keys to the flat but the other girl was saying they had left the keys in a house 10 miles away. There was a guy with them too (I assume maybe a friend?!) He had offered them to stay at his but my boyfriend at this time apparently became concerned and told him to go away seeing as he was drunk?

He then said he would take them both to get the keys. They got the keys. They then returned and I thought this would be the end of the story but the girl then invited him into her flat and ordered him a takeaway as a means to say thank you, and he got to see her dog etc etc.

AIBU to think that helping them out is perfectly OK, but to then accept and invite into someone's house knowing they are really drunk so they can buy you a takeaway is a bit odd? Like she could have just said thanks and ordered it to his flat? I assume he would have stayed long enough for it to deliver etc.

I also said to him he needs to be careful - to be going in as a man on his own to a drunk girls flat he doesn't particularly know, he could be accused of anything.

I don't know, I think he did this to seem like a hero but I think in reality once she got her keys, he should have called it a night.

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 30/05/2023 08:34

YANBU.

Helping them was the right thing to do, going into the house & having a takeaway is really odd behaviour.

OldEvilOwl · 30/05/2023 08:42

I don't think its that big a deal. You sound a bit jealous to be honest -do you trust him?

Irritateandunreasonable · 30/05/2023 08:44

He sent you a really long voice note at 2.30am? My first thought is he’s feeling guilty.

Really odd imo.

Shoxfordian · 30/05/2023 08:44

Yabu for your penultimate paragraph - do you think women habitually just accuse men of sexual assault? Your misogyny is showing

Divorcedalongtime · 30/05/2023 08:46

Jealousy is going to ruin yojr relationship of tire not careful. You can’t co girl and dictate what your partner does.

Testina · 30/05/2023 08:48

Shoxfordian · 30/05/2023 08:44

Yabu for your penultimate paragraph - do you think women habitually just accuse men of sexual assault? Your misogyny is showing

Yeah this.
Also thanks to misogyny he doesn’t have to worry anyway.
He could have raped her and the prosecution rates let alone conviction are so low he’d get away with it anyway.

riversoflondon · 30/05/2023 08:49

I would also be questioning why he felt the need to tell you all that in a voice note at 2.30am. The only reason coming to mind is guilt...

But, does he often send voice notes when he can't sleep? If it's habitual for him to do that, it may not be so weird.

EggInANest · 30/05/2023 08:59

How old is he?

Having an impromptu social event in the middle of the night is the sort of thing I would have done when I lived alone in my flat in my 20s. Spontaneous, social, seemingly no need for sleep etc.

How long have you been together? Does he usually relate the events of his day and night in voice notes? Have you met the neighbour?

SparklyBlackKitten · 30/05/2023 09:08

Be honest

"I also said to him he needs to be careful - to be going in as a man on his own to a drunk girls flat he doesn't particularly know, he could be accused of anything."

This is bs

You are jealous he went with these girls and then went home with one of them and had food at her house (meaning he spend about 2 hours in total with her)

Which is fair enough considering he was staying in her flat and having take away late at night when she was drunk....

She must have been nice to look at otherwise he wouldn't have stayed.

Mmm
I am not sure what to think

The fact he left a message straight away makes me think he has something to confess...

Thequeenofwishfulthinking · 30/05/2023 09:14

This could be innocent and he just wanted to give you the heads up by leaving the voice note. In my experience men don’t feel guilty about cheating. I don’t think he would leave the voice note out of guilt. I can see this situation happening irl. I would put it aside for now and be vigilant. Watch out for mentionitis (sic) of this girl in the next few days/weeks to come xxx

IamnotSethRogan · 30/05/2023 09:22

Oh god stop over thinking it. If it's normal for him to leave you voice notes in the night then it's not a guilt thing, it's more of a "this weird series of events happened to me so I'm going to tell my girl friend"

It is a bit of an odd/funny situation and I wouldn't make a big deal out of it.

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 30/05/2023 09:24

A mutual friend saw him out with 2 girls.
And going back to their flat... Not to see a bloody ddog..
He is covering his tracks...

AtrociousCircumstance · 30/05/2023 09:27

Yeah that’s a long message covering his tracks I think. Very suss.

Original poster
ellie09 · 30/05/2023 09:33

Just to clarify. I don't think it is odd that he helped, as I would help anyone that I could ask well.

Would I accept an invite afterwards into their home for a chat and takeaway in the early hours of the morning though? I don't even think I would with a friend, especially if they were drunk. I would probably just make sure they got into their home safely.

I would also be keen to know how many men would feel comfortable if this was their girlfriend doing this?

Or maybe I am just not asking sociable and nice as I would like to think.. Who knows lol

He has left me late night voice notes twice before. Once when he was drunk after a night out and the second time was on his birthday when I was away on holiday telling me he missed me

OP posts:
Original poster
ellie09 · 30/05/2023 09:35

I should note too, that they were apparently so drunk,the police dropped them home.

OP posts:
Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 30/05/2023 09:37

Police as alibis? Interesting..

Sissynova · 30/05/2023 09:43

I also said to him he needs to be careful - to be going in as a man on his own to a drunk girls flat he doesn't particularly know, he could be accused of anything.

Odd and pretty sexist leap.
Most women don't 'accuse' men of things they haven't done.
Weird long post and ultimately you've drawn a very random conclusion.

Original poster
ellie09 · 30/05/2023 10:10

I have known of two men who have been falsely accused of sexual assault and proven to be innocent in a court of law. It does happen.

On the flip side, many would advise a girl to be careful of entering a house of a male they don't particularly know well, so I just apply the same standards to men as well.

Unfortunately, this is what the world has come to.

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 30/05/2023 10:20

The police dropped two women and a man back because they were so drunk but didn't wait to see that they got into their home safely? And then he suddenly fancied the takeaway they offered him? I'd be wondering if he's telling you porky pies!

Irritateandunreasonable · 30/05/2023 10:23

ellie09 · 30/05/2023 10:10

I have known of two men who have been falsely accused of sexual assault and proven to be innocent in a court of law. It does happen.

On the flip side, many would advise a girl to be careful of entering a house of a male they don't particularly know well, so I just apply the same standards to men as well.

Unfortunately, this is what the world has come to.

Courts of law don’t prove innocence. You are found ‘guilty’ or ‘not guilty’. You are not found ‘innocent’.

A man being found not guilty in absolutely no way means a female has lied, it means there has not been sufficient evidence put forward by the crown to prove guilt beyond a reasonable doubt - overwhelming hard to do in cases like this.

CoreyTaylorsSoggyTshirt · 30/05/2023 10:29

ellie09 · 30/05/2023 10:10

I have known of two men who have been falsely accused of sexual assault and proven to be innocent in a court of law. It does happen.

On the flip side, many would advise a girl to be careful of entering a house of a male they don't particularly know well, so I just apply the same standards to men as well.

Unfortunately, this is what the world has come to.

Proven innocent?

You mean found not guilty, which, unfortunately happens in the majority of SA cases.

They have more to fear from your boyfriend than he does from them.

It sounds like he's a liar with a guilty conscience anyway so you have far more to worry about than mean drunk women making up lies about your boyfriend assaulting them when they get him a takeaway.

On the flip side rape and SA are depressingly common, women lying about being raped, on the otherhand, pretty rare, so not really comparable at all.

Original poster
ellie09 · 30/05/2023 10:39

rainbowstardrops · 30/05/2023 10:20

The police dropped two women and a man back because they were so drunk but didn't wait to see that they got into their home safely? And then he suddenly fancied the takeaway they offered him? I'd be wondering if he's telling you porky pies!

Going by what he said:

Two girls (one lived there, the other was a friend) got dropped home super drunk. He didn't see them dropped off by the police but they told him this. The gate into the complex is broken so they were able to get to the outside door without their keys.
In a drunk state, one of the girls thought they dropped the keys into the bushes. The other was insisting they were left at the house party they were at.
They called one of their "friends" who arrived and was a drunk male who has trying to get them back to his house. My boyfriend apparently didn't feel comfortable letting them so insisted he drive them to get the keys instead.

(All grand so far to me, I think anyone decent may do this)

Anyhow, arrive back after 1am, just the one girl who lived there came back and was grateful so said she wanted to buy him a takeaway to say thank you. She invited him inside her place and ordered it. I assume he stayed until it arrived and then ate at hers which would take another hour at least.

He's back in his flat for 2:30am which is when I receive the voice note.

I am in no way saying I think he cheated but I just don't think this is typical behaviour when in a relationship, maybe as I said for a friend that you know, but not for a neighbour you've barely spoken to before.

I put some feelers out to see what he would think about me going to his this weekend instead of mine (we have spent the last few at mine and he only has a month of his lease left before he is leaving) and he says it sounds good so long as we both feel better by then (I had a bug which I then passed on to him as he became ill on Sunday morning)

OP posts:
Heartofglass12345 · 30/05/2023 11:06

I think it's weird that he left you a voice note at that time of the morning to tell you. I don't think it's weird that he went back to theirs though, like pp said it's the sort of thing I would've done in my 20's. I went to magaluf when I was engaged and slept in someone else's apartment for a while whilst my friends were otherwise engaged with their friends. Left my bag there and they brought it back the next day. Nothing else happened though.
If you don't trust him that's a different story. Have you spoken to him today?

RunningFromInsanity · 30/05/2023 11:10

Something else happened in that flat and he has left the voice note to cover himself.

Sandylanes69 · 30/05/2023 11:14

ellie09 · 30/05/2023 10:10

I have known of two men who have been falsely accused of sexual assault and proven to be innocent in a court of law. It does happen.

On the flip side, many would advise a girl to be careful of entering a house of a male they don't particularly know well, so I just apply the same standards to men as well.

Unfortunately, this is what the world has come to.

No one is "proven innocent" unless the accuser admits to fabricating the story. Not being found guilty is not proof that nothing happened.