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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this was too much?

47 replies

ellie09 · 30/05/2023 08:33

Hi everyone!

So my boyfriend sent me a voice note at around 2:30am on Saturday. He isn't a great sleeper so I won't generally get these until the next morning.

Anyway, I listened in the morning and I am a bit puzzled as to why someone would go to these lengths?

Maybe I'm just not asking kind as I think I am.

He heard a couple of girls outside his block of flats in the bushes and thought nothing of it until 15 minutes had passed so he recognized one as his neighbour (who he hasn't spoken to until then). He went outside to see what was going on.

They were both really drunk and apparently looking for the keys to the flat but the other girl was saying they had left the keys in a house 10 miles away. There was a guy with them too (I assume maybe a friend?!) He had offered them to stay at his but my boyfriend at this time apparently became concerned and told him to go away seeing as he was drunk?

He then said he would take them both to get the keys. They got the keys. They then returned and I thought this would be the end of the story but the girl then invited him into her flat and ordered him a takeaway as a means to say thank you, and he got to see her dog etc etc.

AIBU to think that helping them out is perfectly OK, but to then accept and invite into someone's house knowing they are really drunk so they can buy you a takeaway is a bit odd? Like she could have just said thanks and ordered it to his flat? I assume he would have stayed long enough for it to deliver etc.

I also said to him he needs to be careful - to be going in as a man on his own to a drunk girls flat he doesn't particularly know, he could be accused of anything.

I don't know, I think he did this to seem like a hero but I think in reality once she got her keys, he should have called it a night.

OP posts:

Lkgcsr · 30/05/2023 11:19

Little bit odd; not really sure why he’d want to go into the flat of someone he doesn’t know who is really drunk although sometimes I end up doing silly things without really thinking it through or sometimes out of sheet awkwardness. She was probably ordering herself something too so he didn’t know how to say that he would wait separately

Lkgcsr · 30/05/2023 11:19

But also surely what he did was actually quite nice as a lot of people just wouldn’t have put themselves out to help.

Original poster

ellie09 · 30/05/2023 11:24

Lkgcsr · 30/05/2023 11:19

At that time of the night, I probably would have politely declined and went to bed. That's just me though, as I don't particularly enjoy the company of drunk people when I am sober lol

OP posts:

Original poster

ellie09 · 30/05/2023 11:25

Lkgcsr · 30/05/2023 11:19

But also surely what he did was actually quite nice as a lot of people just wouldn’t have put themselves out to help.

I agree, it is nice. I agree that helping them retrieve the keys was probably the best thing to do and I would do this also if I was in that position and could do so

OP posts:

thecatsthecats · 30/05/2023 11:26

ellie09 · 30/05/2023 09:33

Just to clarify. I don't think it is odd that he helped, as I would help anyone that I could ask well.

Would I accept an invite afterwards into their home for a chat and takeaway in the early hours of the morning though? I don't even think I would with a friend, especially if they were drunk. I would probably just make sure they got into their home safely.

I would also be keen to know how many men would feel comfortable if this was their girlfriend doing this?

Or maybe I am just not asking sociable and nice as I would like to think.. Who knows lol

He has left me late night voice notes twice before. Once when he was drunk after a night out and the second time was on his birthday when I was away on holiday telling me he missed me

My husband used to be a terror for bringing randoms home. It wasn't a dirty secret - I was in the flat (being woken up!) by his new best friends.

Examples include the new young work colleague playing fifa, and playing wingman for one of our female friends by bringing the guy she pulled's friend back to ours when she wanted to use their hotel room plus another female mate of ours.

I personally don't see this as suspicious. He'd definitely hang around to have a chat with someone buying a takeaway, not puritanically shift off to eat his share alone.

In fact, I remember a group of us almost doing the same thing when we had to help a rando who was so off his face he couldn't get the key in the door, except he fell asleep before we could sort it.

Testina · 30/05/2023 11:31

ellie09 · 30/05/2023 09:35

I should note too, that they were apparently so drunk,the police dropped them home.

The police don’t act as drunk person free taxi in my town. And if they were so concerned about their ability to get home, why wouldn’t they wait and see them actually go into the house? All 3 of them?
Sounds like bullshit.

SparklyBlackKitten · 30/05/2023 11:42

I actually just realised that when people lie... they give loads and loads of details.

So tbh... I dont think he is ill
He is trying to avoid you as he knows he is guilty... of something...

Original poster

ellie09 · 30/05/2023 11:49

SparklyBlackKitten · 30/05/2023 11:42

I actually just realised that when people lie... they give loads and loads of details.

So tbh... I dont think he is ill
He is trying to avoid you as he knows he is guilty... of something...

Yeah it seemed quite detailed. Although, he is autistic so he has a habit of talking with a lot of detail anyhow.

In normal circumstances I would be suspicious of the illness but my child had the bug first, he then gave the bug to me and I was on the tail end of recovering when I had spent time with my boyfriend, so it is probably possible he caught it from me, or got some food poisoning from the takeaway he mauled lol

We will see if I end up going to his flat on Friday night. As I would assume if something happened, he wouldn't want me near his flat until he leaves in case I am "seen" by the neighbour. If there starts being hesitance around me going up there, it may be time to start asking him some questions

OP posts:

peacelemon · 30/05/2023 12:12

Irritateandunreasonable · 30/05/2023 08:44

He sent you a really long voice note at 2.30am? My first thought is he’s feeling guilty.

Really odd imo.

Same

peacelemon · 30/05/2023 12:13

RunningFromInsanity · 30/05/2023 11:10

Something else happened in that flat and he has left the voice note to cover himself.

Yup

Divorcedalongtime · 30/05/2023 12:14

ellie09 · 30/05/2023 10:10

I have known of two men who have been falsely accused of sexual assault and proven to be innocent in a court of law. It does happen.

On the flip side, many would advise a girl to be careful of entering a house of a male they don't particularly know well, so I just apply the same standards to men as well.

Unfortunately, this is what the world has come to.

You know mist rape trials do not end up in a judgement against the alleged rapist right?! That does NOT mean a rape didn’t happen.

Original poster

ellie09 · 30/05/2023 12:33

Divorcedalongtime · 30/05/2023 12:14

You know mist rape trials do not end up in a judgement against the alleged rapist right?! That does NOT mean a rape didn’t happen.

Show quote history

As a sexual assault victim myself, I am aware of how under reported they are and low conviction rates. Also aware that a not guilty doesn't equal innocence, however the two I had known, the women admitted they lied and were subsequently charged themselves..

OP posts:

Sux2buthen · 30/05/2023 12:34

Shoxfordian · 30/05/2023 08:44

Yabu for your penultimate paragraph - do you think women habitually just accuse men of sexual assault? Your misogyny is showing

To be honest I've known several women do this unfortunately.

Daisydu · 30/05/2023 12:38

He’s lying. He’s definitely lying.

CoreyTaylorsSoggyTshirt · 30/05/2023 12:40

ellie09 · 30/05/2023 12:33

Show quote history

You personally know two men who have been accused of SA, had enough evidence that it got taken to court, they were found not guilty, then the two separate woman both admitted they lied and got charged?

The odds of it happening once are vanishingly rare, but twice, its almost unbelievable.

KarmaStar · 30/05/2023 12:40

This is all smoke and mirrors.
You either trust him or you dont.
If you do,take down the post.
by winding yourself up reading replies of complete strangers who don't know either of you you could make a wrong decision.

Equalitea · 30/05/2023 16:35

I don’t know why your bf stepped in when they had a male friend with them? Did the girls say they needed rescuing from him? Why did he take it upon himself to send the friend away and then go all out for these drunk girls to get their keys? I’m curious what qualifies him to distinguish that the guy that was the girls wasn’t a friend suitable to be around? Are all drunk males rapists? Yet he as a practical stranger was safe as he was presumably sober?

I don’t know why he’d go in and have a takeaway with two drunk girls. Drunk people can be so annoying when you’re sober, never mind at that time in the morning!

What was the takeaway? Did he defo not pay?

It all sounds a bit strange to me!

Irritateandunreasonable · 30/05/2023 16:39

CoreyTaylorsSoggyTshirt · 30/05/2023 12:40

The odds of it happening once are vanishingly rare, but twice, its almost unbelievable.

Show quote history

Yes my first thought when I read that was… ‘I doubt that’

Postbox87 · 30/05/2023 19:48

Nothing wrong with him helping these girls obviously. However, I would not be happy with my other half going to a drunk girls flat for takeaway in the early hours. I don't think you're being unreasonable. Nothing to do with being jealous or controlling, it just doesn't sit right.

Whatkindofuckeryisthis · 30/05/2023 19:59

This is the weirdest thing ever!
If my husband did this, I’d think ok.. overly nice of him to drive the two drunk girls back to get the keys but given the horrible things you hear about, he was being kind and maybe wanting to get them away from the other drunk bloke. However, the buying the take away… who would want a take away at 2 in the morning if they weren’t battered which your partner wasn’t? Also, I agree.. going into a drunk strangers house whilst you are fully sober, is just odd whether you’re male or female!

I expect he’s done something he shouldn’t and drunkenly confessed it to you hence the weird timing of the voice note!

CrazyHedgehogLover · 30/05/2023 20:02

Naaa this is weird IMO, fine to help out but even then I’d of just tried calling her a taxi or something or asked if someone she knows could pick her up.. this is weird.
again, if the previous posters who say there fine with this, if this was there husband/partner it would be a completely different ball game.

easy to accuse Op of being jealous when none them are in the same position.
your partner should have 1)ordered her a taxi to assure she got home safely instead of taking her home OR walked her home if completely necessary and then gone.
2) should have seen if she could phone a family member or someone she knows to pick her up..

her ordering a takeaway and him going into her flat/house is not great😳 there’s other ways he could have handled it tbh! No wonder your slightly annoyed I would be to!

JudgeRudy · 30/05/2023 20:25

Whilst it doesn't sound like a frequent occurance it doesn't seem particularly odd behaivor really. I could see myself doing something like this. I mean, its his neighbour. They've probably greeted each other before.
I'm unsure why he messaged you in the middle of the night though...unless he was seeing if you were up and fancied a chow main.
If someone was exceedingly drunk (so l worried for their safety) I don't know if I'd want to he in their company but if he was up and peckish, yeah why not.
This has bothered you enough to post on MN. What's your concern?

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