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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Children's bedroom dilemma

34 replies

lemoncheesecakemaker · 30/05/2023 08:11

I have five children. The eldest two are at uni.
my DD1 will probably be home for a couple of months in the summer and maybe a week at Xmas. DS1 has a job at his uni town so only pops home for the odd night (except at Xmas then maybe a few nights). Neither have been home since Easter.

So far, their rooms are as they left them.
DS2 is 15 and has his own room. I then have DD2 and DS3 who currently share. This is getting to the point where they need their own space (10/11) desperately. Room is currently partitioned but still one room.

The only solution I have is to do my eldest son's room up as a spare room that could be used by either uni child and give DD2 my DD1'sroom.
DS1 would be fine with this and in fact it was his idea but not sure DD1 will be happy. At all.
I just feel so guilty. The only time this won't work is at Xmas when they both want to be at home.

No other sharing options would work due to personalities of the children - eldest boys used to share - didn't work!

My children will always have a home here and they know that. If they had to move home, I would make that work somehow but at the moment neither has any intention of staying here for any length of time so I know I need to prioritise the children who live here. Just can't shift the guilt.

So, after a lot of waffle I guess I'm saying AIBU to move them out of their rooms and repurpose the rooms?

YABU - they should have a room until they move out permanently
YANBU -need to prioritise the children in the house

OP posts:
Aprilx · 30/05/2023 08:14

Yes the younger children need a room now. The spare room idea sounds good.

Playdoughcaterpillar · 30/05/2023 08:15

Why not give DS2 DS1's room since DS1 sounds like he is there the least? Then you can leave DD1 room untouched

StaySpicy · 30/05/2023 08:16

Prioritise the ones at home definitely! But you say DS1 is fine with you giving DD2 her sister's room - of course he is, his room will stay exactly the same! You need to speak to your eldest daughter about this and come to an agreement.

Although I will say if DD1 is more likely to come home for lengthier stays then she should keep her room and DS1 should give up his room. Tbh, I would make one room DD2's and then make the other room a generic guest room. That way, neither of your eldest children is the only one without their own room still at home.

Nevermind31 · 30/05/2023 08:17

as soon as I left for uni I swapped rooms with younger sibling as I had a much bigger room. Not fair to have rooms sitting empty for a couple of weeks during Christmas

PerryMenno · 30/05/2023 08:19

Playdoughcaterpillar · 30/05/2023 08:15

Why not give DS2 DS1's room since DS1 sounds like he is there the least? Then you can leave DD1 room untouched

It needs to be fair to both children.

1 given up + 1 turned into a spare is fairer.

SleepingStandingUp · 30/05/2023 08:19

So you have a room, dd1 has a room, ds1 has a room, they're both at Uni. Ds2 has his own room. Dd2 and ds3 share a partitioned room.

So in theory they each have their own "space"

So could you move dd1 and ds1 into the partitioned room is they have full privacy just not much space?

Could dd1 and Dd2 share with a bunk bed so she has a bed in a larger room but Dd2 gets more space?

How long til they leave Uni?

You say DS suggested oy but you don't think DD would like it. You need to talk to her about her youngest sisters need for privacy and ask her her suggestion then

Meeting · 30/05/2023 08:21

This is a very normal thing to do OP.

HAF1119 · 30/05/2023 08:22

I'd move both the younger ones who share into the 2 Uni goers rooms, then leave the other partitioned and the uni goers can use them and they still have a 'space' between them if both there

quoteoutofcontext · 30/05/2023 08:24

Of course the children who live there should have their own rooms. I agree with changing both rooms so that one is a generic guest room. Used mostly by your DD1 as she is home more often but also for DS1 when home at different times from her. On the very rare occasion they are both home eg Christmas, could you design DS3s new room with a trundle bed set up so DS1 could share? OR if it offers sufficient privacy for 2 adults then swap it all round so the partitioned room is the spare?

SoupDragon · 30/05/2023 08:27

Can't you move DD2 into DS1's room and then DS1 can share with DS3 when he comes home? Or move DS2 into the shared room and DS3 into DS2's room with DS2 having to share when DS1 comes home as they are closer in age.

SoupDragon · 30/05/2023 08:28

You say you aren't sure whether DD1 would be happy - have you actually talked them through the problems and proposed plans?

Original poster
lemoncheesecakemaker · 30/05/2023 08:29

Playdoughcaterpillar · 30/05/2023 08:15

Why not give DS2 DS1's room since DS1 sounds like he is there the least? Then you can leave DD1 room untouched

His room is downstairs so not ideal for the youngest two as it can be quite noisy in the mornings. Didn't bother DS1 as he can sleep through anything 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
lemoncheesecakemaker · 30/05/2023 08:31

StaySpicy · 30/05/2023 08:16

Prioritise the ones at home definitely! But you say DS1 is fine with you giving DD2 her sister's room - of course he is, his room will stay exactly the same! You need to speak to your eldest daughter about this and come to an agreement.

Although I will say if DD1 is more likely to come home for lengthier stays then she should keep her room and DS1 should give up his room. Tbh, I would make one room DD2's and then make the other room a generic guest room. That way, neither of your eldest children is the only one without their own room still at home.

Sorry I wasn't clear. DS1 is fine with giving up his room but sadly his room doesn't work for the youngest too so would also mean DD1 giving up her room. I also think by them both using the 'spare' room either one can come and stay. If only one gives up their room
then there will be problems if the other comes home.

OP posts:
bibbityboppityboo · 30/05/2023 08:32

Your room swap ideas sound fine!

My mum did the same when I moved out, my sister swapped into my (much nicer) room. When I came home, I had to use the spare. Then when the next sibling went to uni their room got turned into a crafts room (more contentious 😂) but at Christmas we just made it work. To be honest mid uni we started not coming home for every Christmas so that wasn't really an issue and now (late 20s/30s) we don't all get together at Christmas anyway.

Original poster
lemoncheesecakemaker · 30/05/2023 08:34

bibbityboppityboo · 30/05/2023 08:32

Your room swap ideas sound fine!

My mum did the same when I moved out, my sister swapped into my (much nicer) room. When I came home, I had to use the spare. Then when the next sibling went to uni their room got turned into a crafts room (more contentious 😂) but at Christmas we just made it work. To be honest mid uni we started not coming home for every Christmas so that wasn't really an issue and now (late 20s/30s) we don't all get together at Christmas anyway.

Thank you. This made me feel better.
I would love a craft room ❤️😂
When I moved out of home, my mum had to get lodgers in and it was never a problem. I'm probably over analysing this.

OP posts:
Original poster
lemoncheesecakemaker · 30/05/2023 08:40

Thank you all. I feel
better already. My DD1 hasn't been spoken to yet as she is very quick to call out 'favourites' and is notoriously difficult to talk to about things like this. She has spent many years being cross with me for even existing 😂😂 so will need to tread carefully as I do want her to come home and visit. I broached it with DS1 as he is much more laid back and can see the bigger picture.
I do think though that a visit to uni needs to happen and a chat about options x
Thank you all x

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 30/05/2023 08:44

Can there be some flexibility about this?
DS3 used to move straight into DS1's room the minute DS1 was out the door. He'd then treat it as his room until DS3 came home, at which point he'd go back into his own room, which was the boxroom. We didn't bother moving clothes around, and DS3 would do homework wherever he felt like it, most often in the living room because he liked company!
These days, with laptops and Kindles and mobiles, there's not much in the way of equipment to move, and at 10/11 your youngest 2 are probably not playing with toys much.
The only issue was me doing an extra clean and changing sheets etc to make sure the room was nice for when DS1 came back, with DS3 helping.
DS3 knew not to use DS1's stuff without permission and they were both fine with this.
Could you do something similar? Or talk to them all and see what their suggestions are.

DelphiniumBlue · 30/05/2023 08:49

His room is downstairs so not ideal for the youngest two as it can be quite noisy in the mornings. Didn't bother DS1 as he can sleep through anything 😂

Can you explain this a bit more? Noisy from what?
I think I might put DD1 downstairs if your issue that you want the younger two upstairs, then DD2 in DD1s room, and then DS2 has the other room to himself until DS1 comes home and they then share.

PuttingDownRoots · 30/05/2023 08:49

Have you tried either of the younger 2 in DS1s room?

It sounds like your elder DD still sees your house as home, whereas your eldest DS doesn't. So while she needs to understand that her sibling also needs space, she does still need space a bit longer.

Maybe keep her room for this summer holiday, by next summer she may feel differently

SparklyBlackKitten · 30/05/2023 09:03

Prioritise your kids living under your roof 24/7 obviously 😆

How is that even up for debate?!

Selttan · 30/05/2023 10:03

I think what you propose is fine.

Perhaps if you can wait till after DD1 has been home this summer and then change it.

If she's home again for a couple of months she can put out decorations in the 'spare' to make it feel more like hers while she's there.

AluckyEllie · 30/05/2023 10:30

If your DD1 has an issue with it’s she’s being a bit of a brat. She got to grow up not sharing a room with siblings so how is it ‘favouritism’ for that room to be given away so children that have shared get their own. Speak to her about it and then do it, she’s a grown adult. She may not even have a problem with it!

TopHatWonderer · 30/05/2023 10:40

How would Ds2 aged 15 feel about moving into Ds1's room downstairs? Could he sleep through anything? That addresses the morning noise issue.

I do believe DD1 should keep her room at this point as she should be home over summer. When does her term end though? Ds is already home. Also why only a week for Christmas? She must get more holiday from uni than that.

I would lay it out for DD1 to understand her room is only being used by her maybe 9 weeks out of 52 so why should she keep her room as it is? Totally unfair on the other residents in the house. That in future it might mean a room swap. Plant the seed.

MichelleScarn · 30/05/2023 10:40

Dd1 wangs on about favourites when she's always had a room of her own while not even living there and her brother and sister are sharing a room at 10 and 11?
Agree uni dc have the partioned room, other dc get own.
Dd1 and ds1 can't even use the different sex argument to not share!!

Mydusa · 30/05/2023 10:52

Can you involve your older two more in the solution? With 5 of them it's not going to be news that they can't hang onto their own rooms solo forever, but they might take a lot better to a solution that they have come up with. Even if it's not as good as yours.

I would present the problem to them and brainstorm some options. You may well end up with this solution, but you'll get way more buy in if they are included in the decision making. For example they might want the shared room to be "theirs" with their own sides, even if they are sharing.

Also, not having been home since Easter is not really a measure of them having moved out. At least one of them may still feel it's important to have a base at home. My husband's parents turned his room into a guest room when he was in first year and he was really upset. Uni students haven't really moved out, a place in halls or a shared house where the tendency ends in June isn't really a home.