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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Children's bedroom dilemma

34 replies

lemoncheesecakemaker · 30/05/2023 08:11

I have five children. The eldest two are at uni.
my DD1 will probably be home for a couple of months in the summer and maybe a week at Xmas. DS1 has a job at his uni town so only pops home for the odd night (except at Xmas then maybe a few nights). Neither have been home since Easter.

So far, their rooms are as they left them.
DS2 is 15 and has his own room. I then have DD2 and DS3 who currently share. This is getting to the point where they need their own space (10/11) desperately. Room is currently partitioned but still one room.

The only solution I have is to do my eldest son's room up as a spare room that could be used by either uni child and give DD2 my DD1'sroom.
DS1 would be fine with this and in fact it was his idea but not sure DD1 will be happy. At all.
I just feel so guilty. The only time this won't work is at Xmas when they both want to be at home.

No other sharing options would work due to personalities of the children - eldest boys used to share - didn't work!

My children will always have a home here and they know that. If they had to move home, I would make that work somehow but at the moment neither has any intention of staying here for any length of time so I know I need to prioritise the children who live here. Just can't shift the guilt.

So, after a lot of waffle I guess I'm saying AIBU to move them out of their rooms and repurpose the rooms?

YABU - they should have a room until they move out permanently
YANBU -need to prioritise the children in the house

OP posts:

Original poster

lemoncheesecakemaker · 30/05/2023 11:20

Mydusa · 30/05/2023 10:52

Can you involve your older two more in the solution? With 5 of them it's not going to be news that they can't hang onto their own rooms solo forever, but they might take a lot better to a solution that they have come up with. Even if it's not as good as yours.

I would present the problem to them and brainstorm some options. You may well end up with this solution, but you'll get way more buy in if they are included in the decision making. For example they might want the shared room to be "theirs" with their own sides, even if they are sharing.

Also, not having been home since Easter is not really a measure of them having moved out. At least one of them may still feel it's important to have a base at home. My husband's parents turned his room into a guest room when he was in first year and he was really upset. Uni students haven't really moved out, a place in halls or a shared house where the tendency ends in June isn't really a home.

This is why I'm struggling with it as I don't feel that they have really moved out and want them to know they can always come home. DS2 now has a job that will keep him away from
home more and he won't be home for any length of time for the foreseeable.
DD1 reluctantly comes home in the holidays but also often stays with grandparents as they are really close. At her age I was always off visiting friends in uni holidays or away working so I have no issue at all with them coming home just for short amounts of time or for longer periods as long as they're happy, I'm happy.
I have a plan now though that I'm happy with thanks to all these replies.

OP posts:

Equalitea · 30/05/2023 15:52

At Christmas would one not have a room/bed? Who would they share with if that’s the case? You say they’d always have a home there but they may not feel that way without a room?

I think for me it would depend on intentions after uni. Eg whilst at uni, working and studying so rarely home for 3 years but plan to return home and to their room once finished uni, I would leave things as they are no. If however they had no intention of coming home after uni then I would change the room but only after discussing with them and if they understood/accepted!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/05/2023 16:00

I think it would work as you set out as long as DS1’s room is properly turned into a spare room, ie redecorated quite neutrally and his stuff removed to wherever DD1’s stuff is going (or both sets of “stuff” put away in cupboards etc in the spare room), otherwise it will seem like preferential treatment to ds1 over dd1.

If ds2 is moving out, does that also change things a bit?

And make it clear to dd1 that if she and da1 are both there it doesn’t give him first dibs on spare room in anyway.

Hankunamatata · 30/05/2023 16:08

I'd seperate both younger dc and set up each of their rooms with spare bed with storage which is designated older siblings storage - so they have a place to come home to iykwim. Then have spare room as a spare room. No favourites, each has a space to come home to and store their stuff but first home can claim spare room to sleep in

MargaretThursday · 30/05/2023 16:13

I'd say give ds1's toom to ds2, but if ds1 comes back he shares with ds1 and leave dd1's room for her. If she's home for a couple of months in the summer, and may need to be studying over that time, then I think it's fair enough she keeps the room for the time being.

MargaretThursday · 30/05/2023 16:14

MargaretThursday · 30/05/2023 16:13

Sorry ds3 not ds2 in the above.

It's a bit unfair on dd2 who is home for a couple of months currently if she's put in the position of guest like ds1 who is home occasionally for a night or so.

gettingtherhymewrong · 30/05/2023 16:16

I'm one of 4, and my bedroom was immediately given to a younger sibling when I left for uni. I shared with my sister in the holidays. It was fine.

StampOnTheGround · 30/05/2023 16:21

I definitely think you have to prioritising the kids who are living at home. I would maybe suggest your DD1 basically has DS1's room if she stays more and is more bothered.

One thing to be wary of is I did know quite a few that moved home again for a bit after to uni, so it may be worth checking what their plans are!

peacelemon · 30/05/2023 16:23

You need to prioritise the kids at home. I had a similar question re my stepchildren and was told ideally not until they've left uni. But needs must I'm afraid.

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