To think that “waiting until they ask” isn’t always the best approach to sex education.

[MyTruthIsOut]

I have a son who is in Year 4 (9 years old) and we had a letter come home from the school last week to say that after the half term the curriculum will include puberty, menstruation and sex education.

My son has never asked me where babies come from, or how they are made, or how they get into mother’s tummy etc….he’s shown zero interest. I have on occasions over the last year or so tried to encourage gentle conversation to try and spark his imagination but he’s not been remotely interested.

He knows about periods as he sees me manage mine and he knows about breasts being for breastfeeding, but that’s the end of his knowledge. He’s simply never asked me about anything.

I know there is a general sense of not having “the talk” with children until they initiate it and start asking questions rather than force the discussion upon them, but I really don’t want my son to go back to school after half term and have this taught to him by his teacher when I would much rather teach him about it myself.

My sister thinks I will just embarrass him if I start talking to him about puberty, sex and pregnancy etc, but I don’t see how it will be any less embarrassing than having to talk about it at school with his teacher and in front of all his friends. I really don’t want him being the clueless one in the class when it comes to something so important.

My husband is on the fence as to how much I say I.e how much detail to go in to. I think he’d rather the teacher deal with it.

I’m really close to my son and we talk lots about many things and he’s always asking me questions about meaningful topics (except babies obviously) so I want to have these talks with him too.

I don’t want to just give him a book and send him off on his way and let the teacher have the ‘awkward’ discussions (as my sister described it).

How has everyone else dealt with this?

My son was the same so we got a few books and read them together. Sex is a funny word is great, very matter of fact and inclusive. Where do babies come from is also good and worked at that age. It’s so much better for them to have the basics from you.

I would start asap. I started when mine were tiny (nothing explicit of course) and I’ve kept it up relentlessly.
it’s super important to get these messages across.
very important to get boys to understand how much porn and sex in general is aimed at them and how girls do not generally orgasm from penetration.

read the books boys and sex and girls and sex , much more information in those.

Adding that by secondary school a lot do the kids have been exposed to porn, so you need something to counteract that.

If he's going to be discussing it at school that could be an opportunity for him to ask questions, for you to find out what's being taught and add/amend as you feel is necessary. Unfortunately it really is necessary to start this early - some of his female classmates will be having periods already. You sound sensible and you'll get this right.

either talk to him this week or allow school to educate the class. If you remove him from the lesson he will only wonder why and all his mates will tell him what they saw/heard. Its no biggie . Dont make it into an issue.

My eldest was like your DS; didn't want to know.
DS2 was the opposite asked lots of questions and I bought a Dorling Kindersley book. I later learned DS1 had borrowed his DB's book.
DS2 is a trained Midwife!

Mine were the same - we got books and read them together too. The Body Book by Claire Rayner is an old one but still brilliant.

Tbh I'd have a conversation with him about it before returning to school. I only have dd's so it's different but I started these conversations from a very early age. My youngest started her period at 9 so thank goodness I had. I think it's good for them to know it's not embarrassing to talk about it at any age. I had a friend at school that even at the beginning of secondary school had no idea where babies came from as her parents never talked to her about it and they stopped her from going to any sex ed lessons.

Yanbu. If I waited for my dc's to ask about anything they still wouldn't know much. (They're teens now).

I started letting them know how babies were made and born from reception year onwards. The same way they learnt about their bodies, the weather, animals etc.

DD is in yr 4 and at the same point in PSHE as your son.

At the beginning of this school year I got her the book linked below, which she has read through several times and I've explained how babies are made in simple terms. She thinks the idea of periods and sex are revolting which I think is about right for her age but she has enough of a grasp of the concept to not be shocked in class.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Growing-Up-Girls-Everything-Need/dp/0702310964/ref=sr11_1?crid=2H9Q6VXFM7CUS&keywords=growing+up+for+girls&qid=1685392205&sprefix=Growing%2Caps%2C124&sr=8-1

My kids have always known where babies come from- I’m a midwife so this is discussed really matter of factly in my house. Don’t be awkward or embarrassed; bodies and sex are normal and natural. I read ‘it’s not the stork’ to mine when they were little, and we have a couple of children’s books on home birth with illustrations of babies being born. My DD2 (year 5) is currently having sex education; her teacher told me that some of the kids were crying in the class because they didn’t want to know about it, which I think is really sad and quite worrying. Kids shouldn’t be afraid to learn how their bodies work.

There's a boy version of the book too https://www.amazon.co.uk/Growing-Up-Boys-Everything-Need/dp/0702310972/ref=sr112sspa?crid=2H9Q6VXFM7CUS&keywords=growing+up+for+girls&qid=1685392205&sprefix=Growing%2Caps%2C124&sr=8-2-spons&sppcsd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9hdGY&psc=1

If it's like the girls one then it will have a small section about the other sex so boys have a brief understanding of what happens to girls and vice versa. I liked this range because it's written by someone who is/was a school nurse so knows how to address things in an age appropriate way. It's simple and it's clear.

I think the "wait until they ask" thing is a bit strange, tbh. We don't wait until kids ask to tell them about dinosaurs, or planets or numbers or how digestion or volcanoes or rain or elephants or cooking works. We just wait until the moment they show the vaguest bit of interest in something vaguely related to the subject and then tell them some interesting things about it.

They did ask questions when they were really small. And I'm embarrassingly frank about it all. Teens know oh so much so they don't need to ask. Besides at your age you don't do it anymore.

I teach Primary 5 so roughly the same stage but in Scotland. I’d say that generally speaking 3/4 of my class are absolutely clueless (and actually a bit mortified!) by the whole thing. You can generally tell which children have older siblings though!

I had one in my class cry over a cartoon illustration of a vulva… she calmed down a bit though and said at the end she was “just a bit shocked”

Personally I told mine about sex when they were really little, with the help of books so the wording was child appropriate and I had a guide to follow. I think giving the information very young, like before age 6ish is almost easier because they haven’t got the same level of embarrassment about it as when they get older.

Only issue with telling them young befor they’re embarrassed is they then come out with corkers like- “how long does it take for the seed to come out then” when you’re in the middle of shopping or something.

I would just get some books. Have the conversation with him, but also let him know the books are there if he wants to read them himself to find out more. There are some fab books out there. I’d got for some that use accurate language and are direct.

When my daughter was little we watch a video of a baby being born on YouTube. Of course I checked first that it wasn’t horrific . It was nice for her to watch and actually see. I did choose a particularly nice calm water birth though.

Whilst I totally understand yours and your husband’s concerns you are honestly overthinking this. I teach this module to this age group and we’ve had so much training on it. We teach the absolute basics of periods and how babies are created. We don’t discuss sex- just that males have sperm and women have eggs which together create a baby. Don’t worry about your child looking clueless or getting embarrassed; there’s such a range of prior knowledge and it should be a safe space where being embarrassed is fine, they soon get over it and learn what they need to. My kids knew the very basics before they were taught but my son still found it hilarious and awkward learning about it at school.

I've never waited until asked.

I've just been giving age appropriate information since they have been about 4.

They have always known I'll answer anything they do ask, just because I've been so open about it, and they are very open about asking things, even if it takes me a second to get over the shock first I answer truthfully.

Over the years we have made cushions into vaginas to put tampons in, put condoms on cucumbers, had many discussions about various words they have heard. Discussed birth control, abortions, consent, pornography.... everything you can think of probably, we even did the freedom programme.

My sons and daughters have both had the same education so understand both sexes well too.

Imo it's really better to be proactive, what they don't hear from you they will hear misinformation about in the playground.

It doesn't have to be all the details at once.

You can start with younger children talking about the seed coming from the man & the egg coming from the woman, then gradually bring in that the seed comes out of the penis/testes etc. If you talk about the different body parts first (eg that vagina leads to uterus where babies grow) its not a big leap to the mechanics if sexual intercourse in reproduction.

Sexual pleasure/orgasm is different & to me thats something you discuss a little later than the reproduction part, as imho you need more emotional maturity to consider it. It goes along a bit with puberty, self discovery, starting to feel some attraction to others yourself etc.

Thank you for starting this thread op.

My dd is 4 and I haven't discussed much with her yet apart from 'A tiny seed goes into a tiny egg then it grows and grows in mummy's tummy to make a baby'. My own sex ed when I was a kid was very much left to the school... I don't think I ever talked about it with my parents, which may have led to some of my issues later on.

Excellent advice coming in on this thread. I think simple terms is good. I can't imagine that your ds's school is going to jump into the deep end having not mentioned anything much to the children yet. Surely it'll be simple terms at first too?

Also as a pp said at y4 it will be really basic & focussed on reproduction & menstruation. When I was a girl only the girls were taken off separately to talk about periods, I hope boys are better informed about this now.

@CoreyTaylorsSoggyTshirt how does one make cushions into a vagina??!!

Well I tried glue dots, and then elastic bands, neither of which worked.

2 couch cushions squeezed into a pillow case and a bit of imagination did though 🤣

I'm sure there are easier ways to demonstrate the workings of a tampon, but it did the job and let them practise as much as they wanted.