To think that “waiting until they ask” isn’t always the best approach to sex education.

[MyTruthIsOut]

I have a son who is in Year 4 (9 years old) and we had a letter come home from the school last week to say that after the half term the curriculum will include puberty, menstruation and sex education.

My son has never asked me where babies come from, or how they are made, or how they get into mother’s tummy etc….he’s shown zero interest. I have on occasions over the last year or so tried to encourage gentle conversation to try and spark his imagination but he’s not been remotely interested.

He knows about periods as he sees me manage mine and he knows about breasts being for breastfeeding, but that’s the end of his knowledge. He’s simply never asked me about anything.

I know there is a general sense of not having “the talk” with children until they initiate it and start asking questions rather than force the discussion upon them, but I really don’t want my son to go back to school after half term and have this taught to him by his teacher when I would much rather teach him about it myself.

My sister thinks I will just embarrass him if I start talking to him about puberty, sex and pregnancy etc, but I don’t see how it will be any less embarrassing than having to talk about it at school with his teacher and in front of all his friends. I really don’t want him being the clueless one in the class when it comes to something so important.

My husband is on the fence as to how much I say I.e how much detail to go in to. I think he’d rather the teacher deal with it.

I’m really close to my son and we talk lots about many things and he’s always asking me questions about meaningful topics (except babies obviously) so I want to have these talks with him too.

I don’t want to just give him a book and send him off on his way and let the teacher have the ‘awkward’ discussions (as my sister described it).

How has everyone else dealt with this?

I feel it’s too soon. The other parents won’t thank you when little Timmy tells everyone all about sex. The actual sex part isn’t taught until year 6.

Mine were taught what they needed to know age appropriately in school then could ask questions at home. First sessions were science really, the emotional stuff came later when they were more mature. None of their friends knew anything either, teachers know his to teach this better than I.

The first question dd asked on the subject was "Lucy's mummy has a baby in her tummy but they don't want another baby so they're not going to keep it, how did it get in there if they didn't want it and what will they do with it?". In the car on the way home from Brownies. So that was fun.

Opted for "casually telling them little things every so often from an early age" with my younger two!

DS did ask the questions, which I've always answered in what I felt was age appropriate for him.

He's 10 now, year 5. I'm thinking we need to stay talking to him about puberty. He's not having any of it. Will not talk about it, gets annoyed if I bring it up because it's boring (ie not Minecraft), won't have anything to do with books so getting a book would be pointless.

Not attending school atm and we're waiting for an assessment for ASD.

It's always the car, I use that if I have something important I need to talk about with DD now. I think because we're in close confines but can't actually look at each other it makes the car a 'safe place' to have discussions she would otherwise avoid.

Thanks everyone for your tips and the sharing of your own experiences.

I’ve got to go into work this morning and then I’m going to do some work with him this afternoon once I’m back.

My aim is so start off slow and take his lead to see how the conversation unravels.

I’m a nurse so talking about bodies and their functions are quite normal to me so hopefully I will talk to him openly and matter-of-factly to make sure he doesn’t feel uncomfortable.

A previous poster said that parents need to be careful talking about this topic as other parents might not like it if adult information (as some may perceive it to be) spreads like wildfire throughout the classroom, but surely the fear of other people’s reactions can’t dictate how we educate our children at home?

We have always used correct terminology in our house so my son has always referred to his penis as a penis. However, at the start of his current academic year (Year 4) he came home from school one day and told me that he’d “hurt his wily” which surprised me as he’d never used that term before. I asked him why he’d used the word willy and he said that when he’d told his teacher, he had used the word penis and she’d told him that penis was a “grown up word” and it’s not okay to use it and said he should refer to it as a willy instead.

I was honestly gobsmacked!

I spoke to the teacher and explained that in our house we have always used correct terminology as I see no point in pretending otherwise….an arm is an arm, a leg is a leg and a penis is a penis etc and therefore I would appreciate it if she didn’t tell my son he can’t use the correct words for his body parts. It was a nice enough conversation as I really like his teacher but ultimately the outcome was that although she understood my point, she said that if other children started saying the word “penis” then there was a chance that other parents who felt it wasn’t age-appropriate would make complaints about the school, be it her specifically or the teaching environment.

It’s sad but I could definitely imagine it happening.

There is no issue with correct terminology and whilst I agree with you educating your child as you see fit, children can’t comprehend what you’re saying the same way adults do and they mix up what they’re saying.

so your clear and scientific explanation of sex will become something different.

for example, my dd came home one day and said she knows what sex is and proudly proclaimed it was when a man and a woman put their privates together to make a baby.

another child in the same convo said it was when a man puts his penis in a vagina and moves it about a bit.

your son at that young age absolutely will cause all sorts of dramas. I don’t believe it’s age appropriate, you’ll gross him out and quite frankly, does he care for the nitty gritty?

there is a reason the educators in our world wait to teach this until later on, let’s assume they’re the experts here.

I would ignore the whole “what about other parents” thing. That’s something school
has to deal with, and I appreciate it’s tricky. But it shouldn’t stop you making a judgement about what is right for your child, and doing that.

I feel the same way about basic biology as I do about Father Christmas. If other parents want to lie to their child or refrain from telling them things, that’s their decision. It’s not my job to maintain that lie, and avoid bursting their DC’s bubble.

I’m not going to do it deliberately, as that would be rude and unnecessary. And I’ll ask my DC to not share information and explain why. But I won’t let their parenting approach change mine.

Both my DS asked when they were 3/4 so I told them about eggs from the mum and seeds from the dad joining in the mum's tummy. They were happy with that. Then they asked around 5/6 what their bits were for and what did girls have, so I told them the correct terms and that they'd need theirs for making a baby. That's all DS 7 knows now. DS 12 knew the whole thing at around year 4, same as your son. You don't have to tell DC everything at once.

OMG the child is 9, not 3.

They’re y4. Actual sex act discussions don’t happen until y6.

My daughter starting asking questions around age 7/8 and I was honest in an age appropriate way, always using the correct terminology.

I bought her a book when she turned 9 that was focused on periods/hormones/puberty/body changes but did lightly touch on sex and how babies are made. I told her she could read it at her own pace and always feel able to ask me questions.

If she'd got to age 9/year 4 and hadn't mentioned it to me at-all I would definitely be having a conversation about what to expect in PSHE and warn her of the type of content to expect.

Shrouding it in secrecy isn't the answer, especially in this day and age where there is so much available online and we can't control everything they access.

It should be age appropriate obviously but informing children helps protect them from sexual abuse. Many times children who are abused have no idea what is happening to them, just that it hurts and they feel bad. My best mate was a psychologist and she told me this when my child was just a baby. She also said to reinforce it should be because people love and care about each other so no pressure on either side.

Well we just finished the first leg of his learning and it went really well.

I gave him a proper teaching session with hand drawn pictures with labels and everything as we are both visual learners. My son can take in and understand information much easier if he’s got something to look at that matches the words he’s hearing.

He was initially a bit reluctant to get onto the topic and seemed a little bit embarrassed but then his mindset completely changed and he absorbed everything I was saying and wouldn’t stop asking me lots of questions. One question lead to another and another and I kept it factual, informative and delivered my answers at a level that matches my son’s maturity and his ability to understand more complex topics.

We covered:

1. The typical ages that children go through puberty and how long it lasts
2. Testosterone and Oestrogen. The outward bodily changes that occur as boys/girls change into men/women.
3. Changes that occur within the body that are part of puberty (production of breast tissue and egg and sperm production).
4. The womb, vagina, ovaries and cervix.
5. The cycle of menstruation.
6. What Sex is (ie the man puts his erect penis into the woman’s vagina to release the sperm).
7. How the egg is fertilised.
8. The 9 month process of pregnancy (some gentle talk about miscarriage too as he saw me go through one).
9. The process of labour (vaginal and c/s).

Obviously I didn’t use a lot of those actual terms and kept it quite simplistic but at least now I know he has a good base knowledge that we can continue to build on as he gets older. Some of the words I used he said he’d heard them before at school but that he didn’t know what it meant (vagina was one example he gave) so it shows that the children are talking about this between themselves so I’m now really glad I’ve given him well rounded and factual information as opposed to him just listening to the Chinese whispers that get passed around the classroom.

He was absolutely brilliant and by the end of it he wasn’t embarrassed at all. He was so interested and engaged and I was amazed at how simple it was to talk to him about it. He was so grown up about it all.

I told him that we had other things we would need to talk about over the coming days but that I was very proud of how well he’d listened and I said that he could ask me anything about sex and/or making babies whenever he wanted to.

Thanks for all your previous ideas tips…I especially like the one about letting him watch some videos. When I was trying to get pregnant I watched some really lovey videos about how fertilisation occurs and how the egg turns into a baby and I think he’d really like watching that. I also like the idea of showing him a video of a water birth as they are generally really nice and peaceful to watch.

So I’m glad the initial conversation was had and I’m really happy with how comfortable it was and how interested he became.

Now it’s just a case of waiting for the ongoing inquisitive questions to begin 😂

Absolutely fantastic work, OP. This world needs more parents like you.

Help! I'm in a similar boat with DD Y5. In the letter, it says they will be hearing the words ejaculation, erection, wet dreams and intercourse. I am a bit horrified, I don't see why a 10 year old needs to know about this? I guess they learn about sex in Y5 rather than 6. Wet dreams are about sexual pleasure, which IMO has no place around 9/10 year olds. Can someone talk me down? I'm gonna have to have a mortifying conversation with her before the end of half term 😨

When I was talking with my son I didn’t use the word pleasure but I did put the message across that as well ad
making babies sex also feels nice.

I explained that as humans, most of us do things because we enjoy doing them, I.e we seek a personal gratification from an act. Also, my son loves having his back stroked and I said that in the same way that sensation feels nice to a child, the sensation of sex feels nice for adults.

I said that evolution makes sex enjoyable otherwise people wouldn’t do it, and if people didn’t do it then there would be no babies and so the human race would end.

In terms of wet dreams, I wouldn’t go down the route of pleasure as technically the child is asleep when it’s happening, it’s not like they’re masturbating and causing it to happen. Just say that it happens subconsciously and is as natural as yawning, or sneezing (things you have no control over), and that it’s just part of the process of the body changing from being a boys body to a man’s body. I would say that the penis is just learning how to behave like a man’s penis (i.e in order to make babies) as opposed to it just being used for weeing out of.

Wet dreams are totally normal, and will be happening to some kids from around the age of 10.

It's important these kids know what's happening with their bodies, and why.

It's not mortifying to teach your kid about sex, it's one of the basics of parenting.

Op has given some really good, constructive updates on how to go about the conversations. Your dd will take her cues from you, if you're mortified and embarrassed she will be too, and you won't have an open line of communication with you, which is essential as they grow up.

If you give them good solid basics like OP, then everything else follows on and nothing is a surprise.

@Harringtonperle all the things you mention may be happening to your 10yo at any time. Can you imagine how scary it could be if you wake up having had a wet dream but don't know what it is?

Do they really need to know this at 9 years old ?? Protect their innocence for heavens sake.

@Livinginanotherworld ah, the 'protect their innocence' argument... 🙄

Knowing these things protects children. It gives them the vocabulary to report it if someone touches them in a way that is sexually predatory. It gives them the vocabulary to talk about what is happening to their bodies - see my comment above about wet dreams in 10 year olds (it happens). It is not at all unusual for girls of 9 to start their periods either - would you rather they were 'innocent' (and terrified) when that happened to them?

There's a reason why countries which start sex education early and in an age appropriate way have lower rates of teenage pregnancy, lower abortion rates and a higher age of first intercourse. Knowledge is power.

The innocence I was talking about was a 9 year child knowing about orgasms and pornography, not about the mechanics of periods and reproduction, imo it’s too much too soon.

I don't think anyone has suggested teaching a 9 year old about orgasms and porn.

Though as, what half, of all year 6 have seen porn a conversation with a 9 year old sadly is probably a sensible course of action.

@Livinginanotherworld sadly it's all too likely that at 10, some boys will already have been exposed to porn. Talking about it when they are still young is going to be the best way to instil realistic ideas around sex, relationships and body image.

A wet dream involves orgasm. Mentioning that it is normal to experience pleasant sensations will take the fear out of it. Also there is nothing wrong with saying that having sex should be pleasant for both people involved.