Signed off work

[misssunshine4040]

AIBU to ask to be signed off work from a job where my role is critical to the running of business and I've only be at 6 months?
I have had the year from hell including having to move myself and kids into temp accommodation to escape domestic violence, moving into new rented property and some other personal issues that have been very stressful to cope with.
I have suffered panic attacks and I over eat to the point I have put on 3 stone.
I am constantly fatigued, drained and have joint pain.
My work take a dim view of those off for me mental health reasons and they have always been managed out and I'm worried my card will be marked.
My role is vital and my team are short staffed as is it and although this is the businesses issue not mine, I feel so guilty about the thought of leaving them a mess.

Have you checked your policy? You may not have a lot of paid sickness with only 6 months service, so that’s another consideration.

Is reducing your hours slightly an option or do you think they'd resent that? Could you afford to?Otherwise just keep focussed on that summer holiday (only a few more weeks?) and look for other jobs. I think resentment is just going to build if you don't. I know if it were me I'd start resenting my employers/colleagues for their unsympathetic views, because it's so unnecessary. When you work somewhere supportive it makes all the difference, and makes you a better, more committed employee for it.

Even working somewhere like ASDA or Tesco where they are family friendly, might be a better option while you're going through all of this. These types of experiences can really take their toll, especially after the event. When everyone thinks you should be okay now, because you out of the situation, that's when your brain starts to process what's happened and you need time and space to do that. You sound like you're doing amazingly well tbh

Is it a two day a week role? If so how do they cover other days? How old are your dc?

Bit the post isn’t about the DM & move. The home circumstances are irrelevant to an employer & rightly so in the long term

@Makemyday99 They're entirely relevant to her circumstances for needing time off work.

But her employer doesn’t have to care about that, it’s irrelevant to the running of the business & why staff are signed off is neither here nor there to most employers. I have employees & their personal circumstances are irrelevant to me

work Has been your one stable try in use it as an escape
the problem with having time off is everything can come crashing down when you stand still if that makes sense

@Riapia actually I think it was a perfectly reasonable question.

If the OP took, say two weeks off, to sort out personal admin, rest, see her GP and could foresee that would be beneficial to a full return to her duties.

An indeterminate amount of leave with no attempt to manage these issues would be pointless to Op and her employer,

OP, I can speak from experience when I sympathise, but ultimately, you do have some hard decisions to make. They'll be worse if you don't have a job. Please seek professional help and also speak to your employer. They won't want to let you go, and will likely support you if they can see you're also seeking help.

And that's the kind of attitude would make me leave your workplace for somewhere employees are valued. I've managed that in my last 2 roles and been promoted twice, alongside dealing with the most fuck awful circumstances and shit beyond my control, that most people have the fortune to avoid.

@Basilthymerosemary I don't mean I have just general tiredness from life duties etc. I mean I am burnt out and in fight or flight mode 24/7.
I have been through quite a lot of trauma and
I think that the effects are having a toll now the crisis has passed if your like.

I work full time not 2 days a week.

Yes I fully understand that my personal life is not my employer's concern and that I have to be present to do my job.
I think if I asked for "adjustments" it would put more pressure on them and cost them money so it's not in their interests from a business sense.
My child is infant school age and the other is a teenager for those who asked

I just need to get on with it. I don't know how to do self care, make time for myself and heal etc when I'm permanently exhausted and in auto pilot.
I think it will just take time.

Ok so you enjoy your job, this is a plus. I think if you can just keep plodding through each day until summer holidays. Is there anyone at all who could watch your little one at the weekend? So you can go for a walk and grab a bit of time to yourself?

Try and make the rest of day to day living as simple as you can. If you iron - just do the essentials. Batch cook a load of lasagne and Chilli so you can just reheat dinner. Little things like 2 in 1 shampoo to make hair washing a bit quicker.

It would also cost them time and money to replace you OP, or to have you off on sick leave for a longer period of time. Be gentle with yourself. Are you having any counselling? Exhaustion can come through carrying around so much of the stress/unprocessed feelings in your head - you need somewhere to offload it.

Yeah I have a massive load to carry and no family nearby at all.
I am currently on a waiting list for counselling which is 9 months at the moment

Have you been open with your employer about how you are feeling? I would hope that they would discuss with you what they could do to help you stay in work. Doesn’t need to be permanent adjustments things in the short term to prevent you from going off sick.
you’re on a waiting list for counselling- they should see this as a positive that you have been proactive in getting support- it’s unfortunate that the waiting lists are so long and out of your control. Not everyone can afford to go private.
is any of the stress work related? Whether it is or not they should be referring you to occupational health for professional medical advice on how best they can support you. Any work related stress they should be doing a stress risk assessment with you (look on the health and safety executive website)

Do you have an Employee Assistance Plan? A lot of employers have one - you could fast-track your way to some private counselling for free.

That's loads to carry, and I'm sorry to hear it's such a long wait for counselling. I'm sure there will be helplines you could call, even the Samaritans, on those days when it all feels too much. Can you write? That often can be an effective outlet, just helps to stop it all rattling around in your head.

Lower your expectations during this time and don't beat yourself up for resting in your downtime. You're very right things will improve with time. Probably quicker if you were allowed the time to do the work needed to heal.

I honestly don't know what society expects from people sometimes. If you're off sick, you're a scrounger, but if you work you can't expect any support, or time to heal properly, so recovery is longer. That can't be good for productivity. It's an evil system we live in, where it's a lottery to get an employer that can actually support their staff to the benefit of both.

Thank you that's exactly how I feel. All the talking in the world isn't going to change anything if I have no time to process it.
I feel like I'm on a hamster wheel that keeps spinning and I'm terrified of falling off.
No one is harder on me than me and I would rather just keep pushing on than be thought of as weak or a scrounger.

It's all just too much sometimes

That's what's so underappreciated. It's hard bloody work healing from crap like this, and it takes time to work through it! It's exhausting. And all you get from some sections of society is told you're lazy. People who take the piss and cheat the system have so much to answer for. But you're not one of those and there are employers out there who would be proud to support someone like you, knowing you'll give back tenfold once you're through it. Your whole future is ahead of you, you've got rid of the problem, you just need time to work through this last bit. And you will.

Do you feel like you can get through til the summer? Does that feel at least like a bit of light at the end of the tunnel?

I know you say you have bills but I do wonder if there's anything you can cut back on temporarily to afford to take the time you need. Even credit card/going overdrawn isn't the worst thing in the world, if you know it's temporary and you can increase your earnings again.

I think it really depends on your manager how supportive they'd be given that you're not out due to work related stress compared to personal circumstances. Would they view bereavement etc as grounds to manage someone out for example. If you were going to do anything I'd probably explore flexible working or an adjustment in hours etc first to see if that's possible and if it helps great. I'd also start looking elsewhere because of you're permanent but they'd drop you like a rock when life happens then you've no job security there really.

I know you say all your leave is booked to cover the holidays, but I would seriously contemplate using some childcare in the summer, or taking unpaid leave, even just a day here and there so you could perhaps take a day a week for a short time now? Or even half a day. And use that as time for you/self care - doing therapeutic things that will help recharge your soul. Get your GP onboard and apply for universal credit if you need to.

I have childcare booked to work over summer, the leave I have booked is to cover the dates the after school holiday club doesn't run.
I have been trying to take a day here and there but it doesn't do much in the long term. I usually just sleep most of it and catch up with life admin

Can you reduce your hours from ft to 24 and use universal credits to backfill the loss in income? This would at least give you the space to heal and potentially your employer could take on someone else to pick up the hours in a job share?

Some companies h (mine does) has leave allowances for those escaping domestic violence. Maybe look into that? I would probably disclose my personal situation to my employer they may be understanding.