Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say DD doesn't have to go?

52 replies

SmellsLikeTeenSpirits · 29/05/2023 14:22

DHs best mates birthday in a couple of weeks. It's a big birthday and he has arranged for a gang of us to stay in a big house a few hours drive away for 2 nights. They have 3 DSs, we have one DD and one DS. Of the other children that will be present 7 are boys and one is a girl who knows them all really well.

Our DS gets on really well with friends boys. Our DD, who is 15, tends to get left out whenever we meet up. She doesn't want to go and has asked to stay at her friends house at home instead (there's a birthday party she's been invited to as well.)

I'm pretty fine with this as have observed her being quite peripheral the last few times we've met up - even though she's a good joiner-inner. But I talked to my DH about it last night and he was properly not fine with it and has basically said she should come as his friend will be really upset if we don't go and she should be made to do things as a family as she is still a kid.

We ended up having an argument about it :( I kind of see his point - but he won't hang out with her whilst we're there. Neither will his mates. They'll all be off in the sea. The boys will all run off and do young lad stuff and DD will spend 48 hours trying to join in and ultimately staring at her phone.

Opinions?

OP posts:
TheMousePipes · 29/05/2023 14:23

I’d let her stay at her friends. It’s a double whammy otherwise - she won’t just be having a shit weekend, she’ll be missing a party she would enjoy.

Lovingitallnow · 29/05/2023 14:25

I'd say if he wants to be a family then great, he can supervise her, make sure she's entertained and included and involved and make that his focus whilst a he's away. If he wants her to come let him take that responsibility.

HoldingTheDoor · 29/05/2023 14:25

YANBU. It sounds like it's going to be pretty miserable for her and he has no right to complain if as you say, that he won't even try to spend time with your DD.

AtrociousCircumstance · 29/05/2023 14:25

Let her stay with her friends and let your DH sulk if he wants. He’s not thinking about his daughter at all. He’s thinking about himself, his mates, and appearances.

Let her go to her friend’s.

bananaboats · 29/05/2023 14:26

I'd let her go to her friends too. She's old enough to make that decision at 15.

billy1966 · 29/05/2023 14:26

Absolutely no way I would force your DD to go.

Your husband is a tit to be so insensitive towards your daughter.

Tell him to grow up, putting his friend 🙄ahead of his child, particularly as he won't be around.

Watch that, it's not good that he is so dismissive of her.

Fiddlerdragon · 29/05/2023 14:27

If you knew he was going to make the effort to make her feel included then I’d encourage her to go. It sounds like he doesn’t really give a shit about her though. Who honestly is happy to leave their teenage daughter in such an awkward and uncomfortable situation? He sounds like an unthoughtful teenager himself, not an actual father. I’d let her go to her friends where she actually wants to go and knows she will have a good time.

SeaToSki · 29/05/2023 14:28

If DH wants DD to continue to join in on family holidays as she gets to 17,18,19 then he needs to make sure she is enjoying her family holidays aged 15,16. Otherwise as soon as she is old enough she will vote with her feet

Ponderingwindow · 29/05/2023 14:28

She is well past the age that the children of her parents friends are her playmates.

MakesMeFeelSad · 29/05/2023 14:29

I'd let her stay with her friend, she isn't going to enjoy the weekend away and it doesn't sound like your dh would be spending any time with her

Hankunamatata · 29/05/2023 14:29

How old is the other girl that's going?

ICalledYouLastNightFromGlasgow · 29/05/2023 14:29

She should be allowed to stay with her friend. She should celebrate your DH's friend but not her own friend?! It's duff being a teenager and having to be with other teens who are not your tribe for a whole weekend.

Fiddlerdragon · 29/05/2023 14:30

Lovingitallnow · 29/05/2023 14:25

I'd say if he wants to be a family then great, he can supervise her, make sure she's entertained and included and involved and make that his focus whilst a he's away. If he wants her to come let him take that responsibility.

The fact that he needs to be told to not be nasty to his daughter and make her feel unwanted all weekend points to the likely fact that he’s not going to care a bit about what the op asks him to do.

olympicsrock · 29/05/2023 14:30

How old is the other girl?

edwinbear · 29/05/2023 14:30

It sounds like she’s really tried hard to fit in with this group at previous get togethers, but as a teen girl, with a big group of teen boys, they simply don’t have much in common. And she’d miss a party she really wants to go to. I’d let her stay and go to the party. It doesn’t sound like she will be ‘missed’ as such it’s just your DH wanting to keep up appearances which is a it selfish.

RedToothBrush · 29/05/2023 14:30

Your DH can easily say that she had a prior arrangement that was really important to her so you said she could go. Any friend worth their sat won't be offended by a 15 year old teenager having made alternative plans.

Your DH is the problem here, not the friend.

WallaceinAnderland · 29/05/2023 14:31

'But I talked to my DH about it last night and he was properly not fine with it and has basically said she should come as his friend will be really upset if we don't go and she should be made to do things as a family as she is still a kid.'

What did your DH mean about the underlined bit?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 29/05/2023 14:31

Agree with PP. If he is going to spend time with her and make sure she is included and they do some stuff that she likes then that's ok that he really wants her there. If he is going to go off doing his own thing with his mates and just wants her there for appearances then he is being a massive hypocrite worrying about what his friends think but not caring about her letting her friends down about a party.
Honestly surely most other grown ups there would prefer if a teen wasnt there if the teen would change the dynamic and clearly rather be elsewhere

Catchasingmewithspiders · 29/05/2023 14:32

Your DH wants her to go to his friends birthday instead of her own friends birthday, even though she wont have a good time?

That's incredibly selfish.

whiteroseredrose · 29/05/2023 14:33

I'd let your DD stay at her friend's house and go to her party.

It's your DH's friends there not hers.

CuntingSheep · 29/05/2023 14:35

Oh goodness, your husband is being very unreasonable. It's not as if your DD is trying to miss Granny's 80th birthday or something. The birthday of one of her dad's friends is a complete non-event. Her own friend's birthday is far more of an event for her.

SamW98 · 29/05/2023 14:35

YANBU. I was made to do stuff like this as a teenager by my parents who were very big on family and friends gatherings and I hated every minute.
I would never make my son spend time with people who he wasn’t happy to be around.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 29/05/2023 14:35

Definitely allow her to stay with her friend. Even if her dad was to be involved with her it’s pretty boring for a 15 year old to have to come somewhere where she knows she’ll be bored and left out.

A compromise could be if there’s a meal out or something with your friends then your DD comes along, maybe with a friend of hers. Could she bring a friend for next time?

I had similar with my DM and her best friends in summer who all organised a huge birthday picnic with their kids and partners and all the kids including me and DB brought friends or boyfriends/girlfriends. Otherwise I’d have been bored to tears and though I was friendly and a similar age to 2 of the kids I didn’t see them enough that they were proper friends.

Tinkerbyebye · 29/05/2023 14:36

I would just have another conversation telling your dh what you say here, that she is left out at all times, including by him as he is off with his mates. If he wants her to remember him as someone who forced her to go somewhere where she was not made welcome by others, including her father, then he is going to right way about it

then I would let her go to her friends and I wouldn’t hold back on why if your dh friends mention it

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 29/05/2023 14:37

Just seen it’s her friend’s birthday, well of course she’d want to spend time with her then just as your DH wants yo spend time with his friend on his friend’s birthday.

Swipe left for the next trending thread