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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say DD doesn't have to go?

52 replies

SmellsLikeTeenSpirits · 29/05/2023 14:22

DHs best mates birthday in a couple of weeks. It's a big birthday and he has arranged for a gang of us to stay in a big house a few hours drive away for 2 nights. They have 3 DSs, we have one DD and one DS. Of the other children that will be present 7 are boys and one is a girl who knows them all really well.

Our DS gets on really well with friends boys. Our DD, who is 15, tends to get left out whenever we meet up. She doesn't want to go and has asked to stay at her friends house at home instead (there's a birthday party she's been invited to as well.)

I'm pretty fine with this as have observed her being quite peripheral the last few times we've met up - even though she's a good joiner-inner. But I talked to my DH about it last night and he was properly not fine with it and has basically said she should come as his friend will be really upset if we don't go and she should be made to do things as a family as she is still a kid.

We ended up having an argument about it :( I kind of see his point - but he won't hang out with her whilst we're there. Neither will his mates. They'll all be off in the sea. The boys will all run off and do young lad stuff and DD will spend 48 hours trying to join in and ultimately staring at her phone.

Opinions?

OP posts:

pigsDOfly · 29/05/2023 14:43

I very much doubt his friends will give a toss one way or the other if your DD isn't there. It's just your DH wanting it to look like his DD wants to be there.

Poor kid. Why on earth would she want to be with a load of kids who she won't have anything in common with. It'll be absolutely rotten for her and she'll feel completely isolated the whole time she's there; very painful for a 15 year old.

Let him sulk but let her stay with her friend and go to the party she'll actually enjoy.

She's not a small child, she wants to spend time with her own friends not people of her dad's choosing.

He's being selfish and is more worried about how his friends see him than about your DD's happiness.

NowItsLikeSnowAtTheBeach · 29/05/2023 15:10

She's 15. Your husband is being selfish and ridiculous to try to insist she come.

Tell him she's staying home as you've arranged OR you will stay home with her. That should shut him up.

willWillSmithsmith · 29/05/2023 15:12

Well OP 99% of people here think you are the one talking sense. Stick to your guns and insist your dd can stay at her friend’s. Is your dh often a dick?

madnessitellyou · 29/05/2023 15:12

My parents stopped me doing all sorts of things with friends that age and forced all manner of events/activities I really didn't want to do on me. It was relentless and carried on until I went away to uni aged 18. Even then they still tried it on.

Eventually my friends stopped asking and I do recall feeling rather lonely and left out for parts of my teenaged years. Caused entirely by the control exerted on me by my parents.

I'm in my 40s now and this still annoys me. I'm very determined my own dc will be able to spend some of their free time doing what they'd like to.

chaosmaker · 29/05/2023 15:13

You are going though, it's just your daughter that wants to stay with her friend and go to a party that wouldn't be going. Why is he being such a knob about it?

WhatTheHeckyPeck · 29/05/2023 15:14

WallaceinAnderland · 29/05/2023 14:31

'But I talked to my DH about it last night and he was properly not fine with it and has basically said she should come as his friend will be really upset if we don't go and she should be made to do things as a family as she is still a kid.'

What did your DH mean about the underlined bit?

My immediate thought was that the friend was hoping to have an evening away from the DC's and that DD would be babysitting., so her not coming would put paid to that plan....just my opinion though.

PumpkinPie2016 · 29/05/2023 15:25

YANBU - I'd let her go to her friends (providing friends parents are OK with it). It sounds like she has made an effort in the past and just doesn't have much in common with the other kids/teens who will be there.

I could see your DH's point if it was something like Grandad's special birthday but it's his friend's party.

In all honesty, is the friend, presumably a grown man, really going to be that upset if a 15 year old girl goes to her mates party instead of his? I doubt it - he'd have probably done the same at that age!

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 29/05/2023 15:32

Why are men such cunts?

TeaParty4Me · 29/05/2023 15:41

I would just let her go to her friends.

I do get what DH is saying that she is still a child and doesn’t get to dictate what she does and that it would be rude to pull out if the invitation has airways been accepted.
But she’s not going to have a very good time and her presence isn’t going to make any difference.

CorvusPurpureus · 29/05/2023 15:43

'Ok dear. You & DS go & have a fantastic lads' weekend. DD & I will stay at home. Then she can go to her mate's party & I can have a lovely chilled couple of days.

Well, tell your mate we've both got covid or food poisoning or grade 8 violin exams then. Actually, I don't care what you tell him.'

I can't imagine his friend will give a shit, honestly - this is all DH wanting to play the Neanderthal paterfamilias, with his womenfolk nicely falling into line. You need to put THAT notion firmly to bed...

whynotwhatknot · 29/05/2023 15:45

Why would his adult mate be upset of your dd doesnt go how does it affect him

shes 15 by then id stopped going away with my parents stayed with my grandad

billy1966 · 29/05/2023 15:48

madnessitellyou · 29/05/2023 15:12

Eventually my friends stopped asking and I do recall feeling rather lonely and left out for parts of my teenaged years. Caused entirely by the control exerted on me by my parents.

I'm in my 40s now and this still annoys me. I'm very determined my own dc will be able to spend some of their free time doing what they'd like to.

I had a friend like you at school.

Lovely girl, but her parents were relentless in controlling her time.

She was a really great student, but they still never left her alone.

She was forced to do piano too, till grade 8.

Never allowed out to the normal discos etc.

They got their way until she got her A levels.

She was offered a place at a top university but much to enormous surprise, had quietly applied to the Civil service and was offered a place.

She moved out of home immediately.
She never touched the piano and was ver LC for years.

She was the talk of the place as she truly was an exceptional student, as were her 3 younger siblings.

Her parents were beyond mortified as it was met with disbelief that she would reject the offer that had been made to her.

I lost touch with her years ago but I remember a conversation about her in my 20's when we felt she had really shot herself in the foot, because she just wanted to get away from their control of her.

Precipice · 29/05/2023 15:49

His friend might have a mild preference for his friend's family to all be there - in the sense of ~ it's nice to have all of you here, you're family friends, I've known DD all her life and it's nice to see her occasionally and see how she's getting on ~ but he's not exactly going to be heartbroken that your DD isn't there.

From what it sounds, nobody there makes much time for DD when she is there, so they can't complain that they're going to be massively affected by her absence.

PuttingDownRoots · 29/05/2023 15:53

If the friends have any common sense they will understand why she would prefer a friends party.

TrippinEdBalls · 29/05/2023 15:54

Is she supposed to be sharing a room with the other girl? I'm a bit torn - I think it would have been reasonable for her to never agree to go, but it's a couple of weeks away so if accommodation has been booked in expectation of a certain number of people etc then I'm not sure it is ok for DD to decide now that actually she's got a better offer.

FictionalCharacter · 29/05/2023 16:01

Tinkerbyebye · 29/05/2023 14:36

I would just have another conversation telling your dh what you say here, that she is left out at all times, including by him as he is off with his mates. If he wants her to remember him as someone who forced her to go somewhere where she was not made welcome by others, including her father, then he is going to right way about it

then I would let her go to her friends and I wouldn’t hold back on why if your dh friends mention it

This. And as for
I talked to my DH about it last night and he was properly not fine with it and has basically said she should come as his friend will be really upset if we don't go
he’s talking nonsense. His friend, an adult man, will be upset if your daughter doesn’t go? Your not-so-“D” H is just annoyed because he wants to make everyone do what HE wants.
Of course your daughter should go to her own friend’s birthday party. Grown up birthday boy will not be the slightest bit concerned whether she’s there or not, and your husband will have to get over himself.
They don’t sound like a very nice family if they allow your daughter to be left out.

Spicypeanuts · 29/05/2023 16:01

She's tried to make a go of it on previous trips and it hasn't worked. As she's 15 I think it's fine she goes to her friend's. Frankly I'm surprised the other adults expect her to be there.

FictionalCharacter · 29/05/2023 16:04

I can't imagine his friend will give a shit, honestly - this is all DH wanting to play the Neanderthal paterfamilias, with his womenfolk nicely falling into line
Nail on head, @CorvusPurpureus !

Catchasingmewithspiders · 29/05/2023 16:06

Tbh if I thought a grown man was going to be really upset if a teenage girl didn't stay over at a house party that would make me more inclined to leave the DD at her own friend's house not less.

neverenoughchelseaboots · 29/05/2023 16:07

Who gets upset that their mate’s 15 year old kid doesn’t come along?

determinedtomakethiswork · 29/05/2023 16:12

He wants a young girl to do something she doesn't want to do in order to keep his friend happy? That's what it boils down to. Tell her she can stay with her friend.

allthewoes · 29/05/2023 16:56

She should stay with her friends. She's not 7 and is quite capable of making this decision.

Given that there's a party involved as well, I'm sure they won't bat an eyelid about a 15 yr old choosing to go to her own friend's party rather than her dad's mate's. Stick up for your dd!

HeiXiong · 29/05/2023 17:11

Why would your husband’s friend be upset you were t bringing a teen girl to his birthday?

if your DH insists she comes ‘as a family’ what family activities is he planning to keep her engaged and entertained through the weekend?

InSpainTheRain · 29/05/2023 17:20

YANBU for saying she can go to stay at a friends. If DH is insisting then I'd ask how he is going to make sure she is included and tell him what you've observed in the past.

itsgettingweird · 29/05/2023 17:20

At her age - and on the basis there isn't anyone for her to hang out with there - I'd let her stay with her friend.

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