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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask for strategies/help calling out for lazy dh

44 replies

Takemyhandwreckmyplans · 29/05/2023 12:09

Dh has really fucked me off this morning. There's not much of a marriage left, we're in this in-between state of clinging on hoping to get back what we had and one of us being too afraid to end it. We do generally get on OK as friends but I've ended up with an extra child not a partner.

We have 2 young dc, stressful lives outside of parenting Inc work and our own parents health. It's hard.

I have 100% of the mental load, I'm the only one with any motivation to do things around the house.

Anytime I call him out he turns it on me and makes me out to be a nag

I need some one liners or strategies or just anything advice to keep me sane please. I know ltb is the ultimate solution but its something that'll take a few years to achieve.

He makes me out to be a nag and mocks me when I ask him to do things. I only have to ask because he doesn't 'see' what needs done. And even when I point it out, it can sometimes take weeks for the task to be done. I hate this being turned on me and him making me the problem.

OP posts:
Wildspace · 29/05/2023 12:18

I think you’re going to get lots of posts around why it will have to be years until you can ltb. Can you explain more?

jackstini · 29/05/2023 12:22

Make a big list of everything that needs to be done and ask him to pick half the tasks

If he does them, you won't nag - deal

You know that won't happen, but then it's his fault!

How soon could you kick him out - it doesn't need to be you who leaves...

Chamomileteaplease · 29/05/2023 12:23

I am sure this thread will help you.

What was he like before you had kids? ie is this a change to before?

Did you do everything whilst on maternity leave and he was happy to get used to it?

Have you tried the writing everything down thing and going through as to who can do what? It also points out fairness.

Have you talked about equal leisure time?

Do you throw things at him in the moment or have you ever had a really serious chat about it?

Does he have any friends who are equal partners in their homes who you can show as an example of a decent human being?!

LimeCheesecake · 29/05/2023 12:24

One liners “you always call me a nag when I point out you aren’t pulling your weight.” “Yep, nagging again be abuse you’ve failed again to do anything. I’m not even expecting 50% from you, I’d settle for 10% but you are too lazy for that.” “Are you actually capable of doing anything without nagging or are you really that pathetic?”

but yep, leave him or put up with it- people only change when they want to. He has no reason to want to.

TheStrangestTimes · 29/05/2023 12:27

Stop doing anything for him - so doing his laundry and cooking him any food can stop straightaway. Don't wash up for him, either. Get separate bins. Think of as much as you can whereby you can lower the load for yourself by stopping as much free work you provide him with. Don't hoover or tidy the lounge until he's done it next.

When he mentions what's going on... Well it's simple isn't it. You've heard him loud and clear, and so you're not nagging him anymore.

Hope you can leave sooner rather than later, OP. He's misogynistic - it's a very, very common issue.

TheStrangestTimes · 29/05/2023 12:31

Also, if he's not happy with his up until now fully functioning domestic human appliance no longer working to full capacity, he can fuck off, can't he.

Stand your ground, OP.

cannaecookrisotto · 29/05/2023 12:35

Stop doing his washing, let his socks, gruds and clothes build up until he has to wash them himself.

Stop cooking and tidying up after him.

Stop doing ANYTHING for him.

When he asks what you're playing at, ask him why he is nagging you.

Then anytime he brings it up, call him a nag.

BertieBotts · 29/05/2023 12:36

Please do not waste years trying random other strategies Confused you'll just erode your sanity and MH even more than it already is.

Grey rock or treating him as a lodger are probably the only sustainable solutions, but I can't imagine that either arguing, some kind of weird mind tricks you're hoping to play on him or grey rock would be ideal for DC to live with.

What are the barriers to leaving tomorrow? Why will it take years?

Original poster
Takemyhandwreckmyplans · 29/05/2023 12:38

Can't leave or hoping to keep it together for 3 more years. Combination of a dc with sen, finances and finishing education.

Part of me hopes we can fix it, we used to be good before kids. Or at least I was happy to do things because there wasn't much else drawing on me and the time I have. Today is totally different and this isn't a life. I feel alone most of the time.

I think it's part misogyny but mostly laziness and total lack of motivation to do anything that he doesn't enjoy or benefits him directly.

He does have a tough job in the emergency services and often tells me he is praised for his efficiency and dedication. Attributes I see nothing of at home.

OP posts:
SkyandSurf · 29/05/2023 12:38

If he doesn't care enough to be doing it for all this time then there's no clever combination of words you can come up with that will change that.

I'd stop doing things for him. Move forward with separation.

Original poster
Takemyhandwreckmyplans · 29/05/2023 12:43

I've tried not doing his washing etc but honestly he doesn't care. He will allow his side of the bed to build up with dirty socks and boxers and only when he runs out will he wash them. I don't want to live in a dirty house.

He'll do dishes but they're still covered in bits of food or sauce etc when he's finished. Which ultimately makes my job harder because then I have to fill the sink again, put the dishes back in, wash them, dry them and put them away. Whereas if I do them I just wash them and dry them and I know they're done. I

f I ask him to redo them, then I'm nagging and nothings ever good enough for me.

If he doesn't step up and we go our own ways, honestly I don't think I'd want to live with another man again. I'm only early 30s but this is so exhausting.

OP posts:
Original poster
Takemyhandwreckmyplans · 29/05/2023 12:45

Perhaps comebacks to his accusations of nagging is more of what I meant. I find it hard to counter his accusations of nagging, it does descend into that but only after sometimes weeks/months of asking

OP posts:
cannaecookrisotto · 29/05/2023 12:51

Tell him that you're not nagging, you just don't want to share a house with a fucking tramp.

captivate · 29/05/2023 12:57

There is no such thing as nagging. Accusations of "nagging" are just a convenient way to dismiss your partner and shift the responsibility for something on to the "nagger" and away from the "naggee".

He is a grown adult. He chose to have children. You are not his mother.

If he chooses to let his side of the bed build up then let him. I hear what you are saying about wanting a clean house, but he is communicating in his lack of action that a clean house is not something he wants, so focus on keeping your areas clean. Let his go.

Stop cooking for him. Wash only your and the DCs clothes and dishes. Stop considering him in the shopping or in other aspects of daily life. If he can't contribute to the household then he doesn't get to be considered a part of it.

As for putting off leaving....every month you put up with this man child is a month of your life wasted. There are ways around every situation that you are currently choosing to see as reasons not to leave yet.

If you are waiting in the hope he will change...suddenly have an epiphany and treat you properly....he is not going to.

towriteyoumustlive · 29/05/2023 12:58

I also live with a manchild. His mum was a SAHM and he seems to expect the same from me as well as me working 40 hours a week term time.

Last time I asked him to help more e.g. do lunch/dinner at weekends he said he didn't think about it because HE wasn't hungry at the time.

Some men just can't see beyond their own needs.

I now cook what I want, I take the kids out to do stuff in the holidays etc...

Today (back holiday) DH has been in his man cave (garage) all day watching TV.

cyncope · 29/05/2023 12:59

There's no come back, because he doesn't care what you think or feel.

All her wants is to not be bothered with chores and for you to do them.

You could come up with the cleverest, zingiest come back ever, it wouldn't suddenly make him respect you.

Toomanylosthours · 29/05/2023 12:59

Honestly, OP. Comebacks will just lead to more negativity and bitterness, with you both looking playing one upmanship games and point scoring against each other.

Is there a compromise? Can you get a dishwasher to avoid the dishes issues? Separate washing bin with one his side of the bed? It seems your standards of home and housework are significantly different. You've picked up the weight previously, and he clearly doesn't understand why you can't continue. Break it down. Get a piece of paper and write down everything you do for him, the children, the housework, and yourself in a day in separate columns. Included self care such as a shower, etc. Then hand it to him and tell him you understand he is tired after working, that you're not nagging, and ask him to consider the list and add his items. Sometimes men need visuals to understand

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 29/05/2023 13:11

You are wanting him to come up to your level, when perhaps you need to either accept a lower standard or realise you are incompatible, assuming that you won't do it yourself. If his side of the bed is really messy what matters more that he is living with you or that part of the bed is messy? If you don't like how he washes up can he cook instead? You need to approach it on the basis that lots of things you can't change about him, so you can't make him want to do the washing twice a week, you can only change your reaction to it.

PickAChew · 29/05/2023 13:19

There are no comebacks that will change him but telling him to grow up would be pretty satisfying. Also point out to him, if he crows about how wonderful he is at work, that either their standards are low or he is being selectively incompetent and reserving that incompetence for the people he is supposed to love.

P1ckledonionz · 29/05/2023 13:33

I think it's part misogyny but mostly laziness and total lack of motivation to do anything that he doesn't enjoy or benefits him directly.

Why does this explanation sound like a case of complete misogyny to me? Not a rhetorical question... can someone please explain?

SadSandwich · 29/05/2023 13:41

Write down everything that you do in a week - everything including the forms fr school, the play date arrangements, the washing loads - write it ALL down.

Then send him a letter expressing how you feel along with a copy of what you have done in the last week.

How he responds will tell him everything you need to know as to whether to plan to stay or leave.

I’m sorry your exhausted and it’s really important that you don’t accept this as your life. Throw this back to his corner - he changes or you will change the situation.

All best.

SadSandwich · 29/05/2023 13:42

Will tell YOU everything -typo-

FelicityFeatherstone · 29/05/2023 13:46

'Look, you stupid pathetic misogynist twat. Learn to wash a fucking plate you massive child or fuck off out my sight.'

I'd try that one.

But honestly, I would be looking at ways that would avoid wasting more of my life with him

Firefly86 · 29/05/2023 13:48

I'm always saying to my kids, it's not nagging, if you did it the first time I asked, I wouldn't have to

Also... Do it right or do it twice.

Itcouldbeworsethanitis · 29/05/2023 13:52

Honestly, I’d go the opposite way and be silent. I’d not ask him to do anything anymore and just ignore him. I’d get on with things as best as I could and who knows, maybe he’ll notice you’re off his back and realise it’s because you no longer respect him as a partner. Either way no more stressing over his part in the home, he’s already opted out so now you’re free to focus on yourself. It no longer becomes about what he’s not doing, and you now focus on looking out for yourself and your child. Then plan your exit in 3 years time as you’ve stated. If he changes great, but if not you’re ready.