To ask for strategies/help calling out for lazy dh

[Takemyhandwreckmyplans]

Dh has really fucked me off this morning. There's not much of a marriage left, we're in this in-between state of clinging on hoping to get back what we had and one of us being too afraid to end it. We do generally get on OK as friends but I've ended up with an extra child not a partner.

We have 2 young dc, stressful lives outside of parenting Inc work and our own parents health. It's hard.

I have 100% of the mental load, I'm the only one with any motivation to do things around the house.

Anytime I call him out he turns it on me and makes me out to be a nag

I need some one liners or strategies or just anything advice to keep me sane please. I know ltb is the ultimate solution but its something that'll take a few years to achieve.

He makes me out to be a nag and mocks me when I ask him to do things. I only have to ask because he doesn't 'see' what needs done. And even when I point it out, it can sometimes take weeks for the task to be done. I hate this being turned on me and him making me the problem.

One liners are not the answer. Sit down calmly together and agree on who does what, then stick to it.

Find a "speech" that reflects how you feel and say it on repeat each time he fucks up, for example, he's said he'd take the bins out but doesn't; you look at the bins, look at him and say:

"Every time you don't do a job you've said you would do, or that a responsible grown adult would notice needs doing and just do it (for example put out these overflowing bins) it makes me love and respect you a little bit less."

When he doesn't do the washing up properly:

"Every time you don't do a job you've said you would do, or that a responsible grown adult would notice needs doing and just do it (for example wash up properly) it makes me love and respect you a little bit less."

If he calls you a nag, tell him "I'm not nagging, I'm telling you how you make me feel and how you are killing our marriage."

Why do you care that he thinks you're a nag?

You know he's only saying it to get you to shut up. You know it's not true. If wasn't treating you like shit you wouldn't have to pull him up on it. Pointing out his failing is not nagging

So why do you care?

And how can you possibly bring yourself to do anything for him?

He doesn't care about you or what you think so stop caring about him and what he thinks

Stop enabling his behaviour

You aren't going to change him, and your attempts will only ever end in arguments, because he is demonstrating over and over that he has no respect for how you want to live, and he is happy to be the third child in the relationship.

The best way to deal with this is to accept that this is what you are choosing every day, for the reasons that mean you don't intend to leave for 3 years. This also reminds you that you can make a different choice if you want to.

But the option of him changing simply isn't on the table.

You can come out with as many one-liners you like, none of them will work.

You will waste many more years living with his gaslighting causing you stress, your mental health will be shot to pieces and your DH won't give a monkeys because he is getting the external validation he needs in his job.

I'd find a way to leave him now.

Mocking you is showing absolute contempt and there’s no coming back from that.

laziness and total lack of motivation to do anything that he doesn't enjoy or benefits him directly.

He does have a tough job in the emergency services and often tells me he is praised for his efficiency and dedication. Attributes I see nothing of at home.

ADHD can present very much like this - but of no use to you unless he also thinks so and is interested in learning more about it.

ADHD explains the initial behaviour. I know because that's me.

It doesn't explain the mockery and misogyny. Which is the actual issue.

If you could possibly bear to stop doing everything and let it all fall about your ears. Perhaps he might notice..

I think you need to try and talk to him one more time about this. Maybe not as a come back line to the accusation of nagging but just a conversation. You can tell him you’ve been thinking about the cycle you feel you are in where he doesn’t do what you’d expect, he says you are nagging, you don’t want to nag, you are sure he doesn’t want to feel you to nag him so you need a proper chat. Then you lay out what the mental load is, everything you do, everything you see that wants doing and you can’t get to right away. You might have to concede that certain wants have to be a bit deprioritised but in general stand your ground on a discussion of what a clean well functioning household should look like and ask how you can achieve that as a team without one of you feeling like you are shouldering the burden and without any nagging.

Yes, agreed that's not on. But (most generous interpretation hat for a moment) ADHD can also cause impulsivity and emotional dysregulation. He might be genuinely unable to do what is expected, which then leads to getting annoyed by all the constant reminders genuinely feeling like "I was going to do that later" - I know I can feel a bit like this. No, I don't mock my DH, but I'm in a different place with understanding my issues and we're in a different point of our relationship dealing with the ADHD. I could definitely see how that kind of reaction could come out if someone isn't really aware of what's under the surface and tends to blurt out the first emotional response that comes to mind. It's like a teenager reacting to being asked to do their chores, huffing and puffing and "Stop going on at me!!". If someone has an impairment in the brain regions that would normally make adults grow out of this behaviour then it's not something you'd necessarily realise you were doing, or not realise the effect on your partner. Not everyone is in the same place with something like ADHD. It might not feel to him like there is a problem (and if that's the case, that's why I said it isn't really much help).

And, although misogyny is not something you want in a relationship it is endemic in our culture. There are endless tropes about nagging wives, overly-perfectionistic wives and poor, long-suffering husbands. Unhelpfully, because it lends a kind of legitimacy to such complaints, and means that men may not question their own reactions when this dynamic is playing out.

I know that MGI isn't really helpful or useful in relationships a lot of the time because it can lead people (especially women) to keep overlooking or excusing things that really are part of a larger pattern and need to be viewed more critically. But in this case, OP says they are friends. That's not normally something that is said in threads where the relationship is outright toxic. I don't know why because honestly I'd normally be totally on the LTB side (I even was earlier in the thread, so don't even know what's different here). But that just stuck out to me and felt sad.

I think my gut is just saying either talk and try and hear what each other are saying, or quietly withdraw. I don't know if the withdrawing strategy is emotionally healthy if dragged out for years, but if you're not going to leave then don't make it worse by coming up with some kind of retort. IMO that's more likely to just inflame everything and actively make it toxic.

Are you still having sex with him OP? If yes, stop, immediately! You said you have 2 young children, are they of an age where they can share a bedroom assuming that you don't have a spare? If so, then put them in together, and move into the spare bedroom. If this isn't possible, then could you sleep on a sofa bed maybe, anything so that you don't have to share a bedroom with him. Of course if you're feeling really brave, and he's unlikely to physically attack you, then you could of course move his stuff out of your joint bedroom, and put a lock on the bedroom door, so that he has to sleep on the sofa. When he asks why you've done this, just tell him that he's made it clear by his actions that he doesn't care about you, or how you feel, and so you've decided to live separate lives, until one of you can afford to leave. This will either focus his mind on what needs to be done around the house in order to win you back, or bring it home to him that you've really had enough, and maybe then he'll decide he may as well leave. Just my thoughts, although I very much doubt you'll do it, as I get the vibe that you don't really want to break up with him, you just want him to behave like an adult and participate in family life. However, that's not going to happen, but maybe you still need time for it to sink in??

Tell him to fuck off.
I was my husband's maid for years. Never again. Fuck that

Sorry, you had sex with this man on at least two separate occasions?

Just stop doing see stuff

I am now doing the bare minimum cleaning,cooking etc because it's absolutely thankless.

I now only please myself.

Here we go again, ADHD!!! Competent at work!!

Having a laugh

I'm 10 years ahead of you OP, and I am sorry to say it is unlikely he will change. I've tried everything, nothing had worked. I've given up now and accepted this is my life. Fortunately dc are getting older and so help out whenever I ask them too.

He isn't a police officer by any chance?

It's common for people with ADHD to work in emergency services or similar, because the external structure compensates for the executive function deficits and because adrenaline as produced in any high-pressure situation fits into the same receptors as the neurotransmitters which are deficient in ADHD, which allow for increased functioning. Those things aren't in place in a standard home environment.

Obviously, nobody can diagnose anything based on a three sentence explanation on a forum post, it was just a thought to consider, and a further explanation/elaboration of why it might be relevant even though logically it would seem like if somebody has a biological disorder it would have the same effect in all settings. That can be a misconception based on the disorder and the specific settings.